Usually people don't post if they aren't in a similar situation, etc... It's nothing personal towards you.

Ashley ... I tend to wait to see what the flow will be of each post.

My parents divorced when I was young but we were unique as my family nested. In the divorce the children got custody of the house and my parents moved in and out on a bi-weekly basis. They shared an apartment and a home with 5 children. My dad was more stict at certain things and my mother at others they balanced each other out so we didn't Idolize either parent.

But with my own kids they put their dad on a pedestal for a year or so after we split blamed me for everything he could get my kids to do things they refused to do for me like shower or clean their rooms ... he asked it was done I asked it was ignored. I think they were trying to be "good" for him thinking he would come back home if they were good ... about the same time he and I began to get along after the break up is when the kids stopped putting him on a pedestal ... they just did what they were supposed there was no more arguing or comparing homes. It became peaceful again in both homes.

With my SC ....(this will sound extremely biased but oh well its how I see it)

With my SC mom is a yeller, complainer and doesn't give up until she gets her way ... it doesn't matter what it is if she wants it done she will harrass who ever needs to do what she wants done until they do it. So my SC have been porgrammed just to do what she asks because they will never hear the end of it until its done. Does that make hubby and I lax in parenting? NO IMO but to us its not worth the argument with the kids we have to deal with so much other Bullspit from the kids spewing their mothers hatred toward us that we pick and choose our battles and draw the line when it comes to what goes on in our home.

For Ex.
Mom lets them sleep on the couch only 1 bedroom at her house so she lets the boys camp out in the living room.

We insist they sleep in their bedroom ... they complain we are being mean to them.

Mom gets their clothes ready for them we do not makes us mean.

I bake with them and include them in meal planning

Mom does not they complain they hate what they eat at her home ...

Just a difference in parenting kids will pick and choose what they like at each home and complain about what they don't like at each home.

My skids asked to live with DH after we got married. Actually, they called him last night to ask again (the oldest did, SD6). She's the only one that remembers when her parents lived together. According to her, she wants to live with both a mom and dad. Since I became her SM, she's been calling me mom or step-mama (don't worry, we are in the process of finding a special name for them to call me. BM got wind of them calling me Mom, and she flipped.) It seems like she just wants the stability of having two parents in the home. I don't know what goes on at BM's house other than what they tell us, so I won't go into that. It's probably just a phase. Either way, if they want to live with us and BM agrees, then that would be fine.

DH isn't a Disney Dad at all. He corrects behavior, has them do "chores" (cleaning up their toys before they can play), has a mandatory Reading Hour so that they can review their letters and words. Only SD6 is in school, so he has her go over her lessons from the week. He has a moderately strict schedule for them. It seems that they like that, though. The difference between the households (according to them) is that BM doesn't interact with them much. I think they crave affection, which they get from us.

I know they love their mom, but it's hard for them. They don't like how she acts when it comes to DH and I. They ask us why she is always so mean. I think if BM could put aside her own issues with the situation, she'd be more available to her kids, and they'd like being with her more. I think it's the atmosphere of our home that they prefer, a lot less negativity.

Ashley, don't you know by now to state absolutes??? Thats what draws them all in :)

Seriously, I know. My DD will say whenever I don't cater to her every whim (and she is pretty lucky to live with me vs. Dad, thats another post entirely, LOL) "I want to see Daaaaddddyyy."

I think it's pretty common for a child of divorce to claim they want to live with the other parent. The grass is always greener.

Well I can't say it has been very difficult for my BS to adjust because his dad lives so near. Sometimes I resent it when he asks for his father becuase his father doesnt ask for him nearly as much. Getting the two togather takes a great deal of dissapointments for my son in between. SO his dad will do extra fun things or buy him special things to make up for "lost time". Yes he wants to see his dad but he has to cry for him. BS is getting used to his inconsistancies he is only 5 and compares his dad to Jim Carrey in Liar Liar. right now my son doesnt have a choice of where to live, 1 hes too young, 2 his father isn't in a stable living situation. I wonder what it will be like when we dont live quite so near? This makes me realize more cleary that my problem isn't potential SMs but his dad.

I like this forum, but it doesnt take long to realize the hostilaty, I dont think ashley1979 was wrong to point that out.

kids usually behave better with those they are closer emotionally. your son is close to you so he allows himself to behave whatever with you. with other people not as much. DD was always exceptionally well behaved in school. however she would open a huge mouth at home.

DD had minor but very painful surgery this summer. she was suffering. All three of us I, X and SM were around her when she was recovering. She was polite (despite the pain)wiht SM, rather obnoxious with her dad and even more awful with me. She did apologized for her behavior later, but she said: mom I was in pain and who else could I be myself wiht if not my mom. hahah. Well it kind of made sense.

FD, I disagree with kids behavie better better with whom they are closer with? Did you mean worse?

I think its an individual thing per child. It depends on alot of details as well and how they will handle it.
I do agree aboutthe more well behaviour at the other parents house. It happens in our household. Kids are more well behaved here than at moms. Reason being is that here they visit, and they go into that mode. At home, they feel they can do whatever they want and they do take advantage of it. They even stated to me a few years ago 'w're going back home, we can do whatever we want'. Which means, they dont listen to their mom and mom screams at themfor homework etc..etc..
As kids we were all like this in some ways. i was better behaved at my aunts house then my parents. Its human nature .
And yes, some skids do change attitude when a newborn is int he pic. Mine did for a while but thank God my Dh would sit them down allthe time, a tell them the newborn doesn't change anything. He still loves them and they are all important to him. Unlike biomom who insisted on poisoning her children by saying daddy doesnt' love you anymore cause ofthe baby and new family. You would think she would care for her kids mental stability but nooooooooo...SD saw through her right away and toldher to muzzle it but poor SS took a while to realize but caught on after a few years. Its horrible.
Anways. Dotn worry about that. It also is age dependant eh? If she's a teen maybe mom is more easy going on her or she just likes it there and it has nothing to do with you. Dont' take it personally..i know its hard to say that and do it....

We had noticed that when the girls mother was still getting them every now and again she wouldn't tell them "No" at all. They got to do whatever they wanted when they were with her. They could stay up really late, eat candy and ice cream all day long, jump on the sofa...etc.
When they would come back to us they would have rules. They would do the whole "Well My Mama lets me do it..." routine over everything we said no to. They didn't understand that mom was a guilty parent who would only see them once every two weeks and didn't want to say no to anything even if it wasn't the responsible response. We would just asy "This isn't your mama's house and there are different rules here."

I think sometimes the NCP feels a little guilty about not seeing the child(ren) as much and hates to set rules or limits. They want the kid to have as much fun as possible in the short time they have them which unfortunatly makes the NCP look like the "fun" parent and the CP look like the Nazi. Thus the "I want to go live me Mom/Dad" statements. The kids don't relaize that if they did live with the other parent it would only be a matter of time before they too would start saying "No".

I always thought that since BM threatens a lot that FSD would want to be with us more. We don't use threats to get the kids to behave. I don't believe in that. Especially horrible and extreme ones like BM does. If I give DS an ultimatum, I fully intend on following through even though I generally don't have to. For instance, FSD has always had a bladder control issue. She hasn't had an issue in quite some time, but her last one was about 3 years ago. I suggested that she may have Overactive Bladder and there is medication for it. BM and SF says that it's just FSD waiting too long. Whatever the case is, they never took her to the doctor to find out for sure. She was at a Father/Daughter dance (that SF took to, but that's a different story). Well, SF dropped FSD off at our house afterward and sped off. Come to find out, SF was angry at FSD because she had one of these accidents at the dance (she ALMOST made it to the bathroom). FSD was already embarassed and so they left the dance. The next day BM calls FSD screaming at her on the phone saying stuff like "do you know how much you embarassed SF?" and "you're just so irresponsible!". Then she tells FSD that she must quit the organization she belonged to by writing a letter telling them that the reason she was quitting is because she pee'd her pants at the dance and doesn't want to be an embarassment to the organization. I felt so sorry for her. She was clearly mortified by the incident in the first place. Oh! And BM also said FSD had to pay her back for her dues (which are about $300). Talk about overkill! Well, BM never followed through and no one else ever even knew about what happened. But it always disturbed me that BM would go so far into putting fear into her own kid instead of being compassionate and understanding.

What's that symdrome that kids who are kidnapped sometimes get? It's where they stay with their captors even after they could've left because they feel sorry for them. I know it's extreme, but I wonder if FSD has a little bit of that. Maybe she is so afraid of her mom that she puts all her trust in her?

I have never understood the extreme attachment FSD has had with her mom. It's almost as though BM has mind control powers over her. It's funny because it's not like that with BM's other daughter. As a matter of fact, SF actually said that to FDH one day. He remarked at how opposite the two girls were and how the little one isn't afraid of everything like FSD is.

Ashely its called

"Stockholm Syndrome"

We think my SC suffer from this too.

Really? Does it have to involve physical abuse or is it mainly mind-control? I'm so curious about this. I wonder if the "love" aspect of a biological relationship makes the situation worse and therefore impossible to break.

In our situation its mostly a "mind thing" ...

Ex. if they have fun here she doesn't want to hear/know about it

But if they get punished or have to go to bed early ... she repsonds with attention "that's terrible" writes it down has them talk into tape recorders about how badly they are treated.

First words out of her mouth when she sees the children is... What did pseudo do/say to you...or what did daddy say or do to you?

Poor mommy can't pay her bills because she has to pay support

If she didn't have to pay support she could pay her bills.

Anything we say about mom is seen as an attack by us on mom.

Like ... mom didn't answer the phone SD screaming at hubby it was his fault she can't talk to her mom. I said if your mom doesn't answer the phone that's your mom's fault ... don't talk about my mom.

SD to me ... my mom says you need a psychiatrist!!! how come everyone your mom knows needs a psychiatrist maybe she is the one with the problems!!! my mom does not have problems!!!

Stockholm Syndrome IMO ... they sympathize with their tormentor. She can't do anything wrong and everything we do is wrong.

Ashley, I think if anything Stockholm Syndrome more likely with stepparent.

Pseudo - That's totally BM! She totally does all of that! I looked it up on the web and found this site http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/stockholm/index.html. It really helped me see that there are varying degrees of it. And BM exhibits all characteristics:

1. "The presence of a perceived threat to ones physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat"

Even though it's not an extreme case, I would consider the above story about the father/daughter dance to fall in line with this. FSD was hysterically bawling because she thought that her mom was really going to make her write that letter and humiliate her even more.

2. "The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim"

BM does this all the time. She is ALWAYS buying FSD things. But that's not the main example I have. When FSD was going to move and she was lying to us, BM told her to lie because, if she didn't, FDH would take them to court and there would be a huge battle over her. She made it seem like that by lying to FDH, BM would be "saving" her from the court battle. This later came out when FSD screamed at FDH "But I don't want to be like ----" (insert DS's name here). When FDH told me this, I wondered what she was talking about. He asked her and she said BM said that X and I "fought" in court a lot. How did BM know this? No one told her. But she was using it as an example of how the lying was really a "small favor" she was doing for FSD.

3. "Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser"

Well, this is a no-brainer. Since I have known FSD, BM has always represented SF as FSD's father. She rarely notified us of any school events. The only time she did was when she needed something from us like fundraiser money or to pay for something. We discovered what she was up to when we went to a carnival one day at FSD's school. We were walking around with her and saw her teacher. The teacher said "Who is this with you? Where is your mom and dad?" FSD looked really flushed and said "They're not here. This is my dad." Teacher said "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know ------'s parents were divorced". BM has always controlled FSD's perception and HATES it when she's told anything else. If she has to, she'll throw something false about DS into the mix to further "prove" to FSD that SHE is the only one that's right. Oh, and now she's moved FSD out to the place where she grew up where only HER family lives. So now there is no way that either FDH, myself, DS or even SF's family are nowhere around. The only perspective FSD gets now is the one BM wants portrayed.

4. "The perceived inability to escape the situation"

This one is so easy. Even when FSD was at our home, BM was allowed to make the rules, change the rules, hand down punishments or come get her at any time. FSD felt like she had no escape. Even if she wanted to live with us instead of moving away, she couldn't because her mom has her believing that she's not able to make that coice (even though she's plenty old enough to tell a court where she wants to live). She has no choice but to abide by the rules BM has set forth for her. We have told her that BM doesn't make the rules for our home, but she is so stubborn that she insists on doing whatever BM says. The instance I posted a while back about calling her at the last minute to take her over to babysit her little sister and then having FSD kick us out of the house is a perfect example of that. To FSD, she had no choice but to do what her mother said. And no amount of talking was going to change her mind. Because FSD was afraid of what BM would do if she didn't obey.

That is your opinion

Don't be ridiculous! People are abused all the time by people that supposedly love them. Ummm......how many stories do you hear about parents abusing their children?Check out the site and you'll see that anyone can be abused in any number of ways by anyone in their life. Perfect strangers or even parents.

"In teens and young adults, victims may be attracted to a controlling individual when they feel inexperienced, insecure, and overwhelmed by a change in their life situation. When parents are going through a divorce, a teen may attach to a controlling individual, feeling the controller may stabilize their life.........."

Were you saying that to me or to KKNY?

There are varying degrees of everything ... I promised myself on June 30th of this year to never be alone with SD for longer than 5 minutes ....

and if the children "attack" me using their mothers words and version of the truth .... I have every right to "defend" myself against lies.

For instance ... Why are you taking mommy to court for identity fraud ... I am not ... why is daddy he is not ... The District Attorney is.

FDH has made several statements over the years about FSD being "brainwashed". I just don't know how he should go about breaking it. For instance, FSD has a weight issue and it's turning unhealthy. I suggested mailing a book to her about nutrition and fitness for teenage girls. He said it's a great idea, but not to mail it; give it to her in person or she'll never see it. He said BM would just throw it away before FSD ever got to see it. That, to me, is above #3. She's limiting FSD's perspectives because she wants to be the only one to say what FSD eats and how she exercises.

Was meant for KKNY... she has a right to her opinion same as the rest of us do. :)

When I think of stockholm syndrome I think of Patty Hearst.

I have heard that most abused children cling to their abusers. They accuse others of whats being done to them.

I have seen it posted here a few times ... babies screaming out for the mother who burned them.

Ashley -- you wondered if the love aspect of a biological relationship makes is more likely -- I think the unquestioning love a mom makes is less likely. And I agree, I think of Patty Hearst -- whre we are talking about non-relatives.

One of my biggest worries with my SS10 is the absoluteness of what mom says.... in his eyes if mom said it must be true.

It doesn't matter the subject whether or not it true doesn't matter as long as mom said it It becomes fact!!!

My worry with him .... he misses the bus is walking down the road and some car pulls up and says hey "your mom sent me to get you" and he would blindly get in the car and think nothing of it.

One of my biggest worries with my SS10 is the absoluteness of what mom says.... in his eyes if mom said it must be true.

It doesn't matter the subject whether or not it true doesn't matter as long as mom said it It becomes fact!!!

My worry with him .... he misses the bus is walking down the road and some car pulls up and says hey "your mom sent me to get you" and he would blindly get in the car and think nothing of it.

"I think the unquestioning love a mom makes is less likely"

It's assumed that mom's love is unquestioning/unconditional. Not all mom's love children in that way, many put themselves before their children. The children want their parents' love and will believe or do anything to get it. They can be fiercely loyal to a parent that is too self centered or self involved to consider the child's feelings or needs. In the end, the child may realize the truth about their parent, but it's often too painful for a child to admit their parent did not love them in the way they hoped...

I think all the cases we hear of drowned/microwaved/missing presumed dead, trunk smells like a dead body children speaks to the obvious fact that not all mother's love is unquestioning/unconditional.

The reason such cases make the national news is precisely because they are, fortunately, extremely rare.

"The reason such cases make the national news is precisely because they are, fortunately, extremely rare."

No. They are not rare. They are just more SICK because the person commiting the crime is the childs mother. "Mother" holds a stigma of unconditional love and maternal intincts beyond any human understanding. When a a childs mother is the person to injure or kill a child it makes it TWICE AS SICK and everyone loves a horror story.

That's sick but if you have ever noticed the newspaper and six o'clock news is slammed packed with gory wrecks and killings because that is WHAT SALES. People say how horrible car wrecks are but then at the same time they can't stop starring at the carnage. Sadly no one cares about a seven year old scoring big at a soccer game or a school's fall festival they turn right to the story on the robbery that ended in three dead.

Google "child killed by mother" and see what pops up. It isn't rare...it's just really morbid and ironic.

google abuse by steprelationship and my guess is you get more, but in any event,its not really a good sample.

IMO, the abuse given to someone by someone they love is more of a breeding ground for Stockholm Syndrome than if it were complete strangers or maybe even a step-parent. See, when a step-parent comes into a child's life, they are naturally untrusting and suspicious, no matter what the age. Just ask anyone on this board. So they don't naturally sympathize with the SP at first. But, if the abuse is given by a natural parent, a child is more likely to believe they "deserve" it or try to see the good in the person. And children expect that a natural parent is going to love and take care of them and put their best interests at heart. And we all know that not all people who have kids should be parents (see license to breed thread). After thinking about it and talking about it with FDH, I would think that Stockholm Syndrome is MORE likely to occur in cases where there is a natural parent involved as opposed to steps. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen in any relationship.

Most likely, we don't see it going on all around us. Think about it......what man would EXPECT and anticipate the brainwashing of his own child by his wife? Not very many. If she hadn't divorced him, he would've never started seeing what was going on. As a matter of fact, in FDH's case, he never did and it HAD to have been going on long before they got divorced; maybe even since birth. When FSD was 5, BM was taking her to the park to meet up with her lover (or so the letter from the lover's wife said). FSD would LIE to FDH about where they were when they were out. He wasn't grilling her about it; he was just asking general questions as most parents would upon the return of their child from a day out. So, if a 5 y/o is lying, someone must've told her to do it. She would've never known that meeting up with mommy and a man that's not daddy was wrong. Another sign that she has Stockholm Syndrome is blaming me for her parents not being together. I came along almost 2 years after the divorce was final, 8 months after BM got re-married (which FSD was at the wedding and it was held in the backyard of the marital home), and 1 month after BM found out she was pregnant. But a year after I came in the picture, FSD made a comment about BM wishing she could be back with FDH. So FSD blames ME for her parents not being together. It's so irrational to me and you, but she's protecting her abuser.

"google abuse by steprelationship and my guess is you get more, but in any event,its not really a good sample."

AAAAHHHHH....but in how many cases are the children abused by the StepFATHER Vs. the StepMOTHER and does the biomother realize there is "strange behavior" afoot? It still falls on the responsibility of the PARENT to keep the child safe. There are cases where the mother KNOWS there is mental, emotional or even sexual abuse going on but chooses to ignore it or even plead with the child to "be nice" because mommy "loves her boyfriend" such in the case of Ursula Sunshine. (sad sad sad story)

That mother was not the actual ABUSER but was still convicted because sadly she knew the abuse was taking place. This happens ALOT as well and is just as disgusting. It is ulitimately the biological parents responsibility to make sure the partners they choose are safe for their children so even in Step abuse situations I still point the finger some what in the direction of the bio parent for having cruddy judgement and not realizing the danger. How many of these abusive step parents also abuse the spouse????? Warning signs anyone?

yes, i misspoke. Kids (and adults in fact) always behave worse with whoever they are closer to. It just makes sense. You'd never have the same argument you have with your Dh as you have with a colleague or a boss. You just don't censor yourself as much. same with kids.

Bio-parent sees its Step-parent see it going on with other bio-parent! ... what can we do to help the kids?

KKNY I know you think I am the worse SM in the world .... really don't care but I have adopted the attitude of not my kids I don't give a $hit how much their mother screws them up ... truly not my problem.... I have 2 of my own children to worry about and thats it.

I am going through the motions of counseling for all the kids maybe more eyes on my situation will help maybe it won't but again hubby and mom can not communicate about anything but she is sure to tell her children every thought that comes to her mind ... and guess what so am I. If she can do it why can't I? she has no remorse for anything she says to her children she takes them on a guilt trip every weekend.

SD cries now she doesn't want to go back with mommy mommy is mean to her always trying to "give her a pill" mommy only wants me to sleep, hates her school, has no friends, mommy is always leaving me with the babysitter or her boyfriend. What can hubby do? Mom has sole custody of SD she makes all decisions for SD.

Do we run to court for an EX-parte order same as mom did ... take her to the police station to file a complaint against mommy same as mom did ? do we take her into meet with the judge to ask him to keep her away from her mom? Like her mother did? Call DSS same as mom did? Tell her counselor how SD is treated and get her to back us up in court to prove it? Or do we let the child live with the lies she told to keep mom happy?

The last 2 weeks these are mom's complaints.

The boys had to wait at school for 20 minutes after they missed the bus.

SD forgot her coat at our house we are not responsible enough to keep track of SD and her things.

SS10 forgot to turn off his cell phone in school and when she decided to send him a text message in the middle of the day so he got in trouble and they took his phone away ... we left the phone at school until she went in to get it. We are denying her communication with her children. (we have a house phone, she calls hubbys phone constantly and SS13 has a phone)

The best one ... she called SS13's phone at 10:30PM and he answered!!! he should have been sleeping by then... well WTF are you calling him at 10:30????

Pseudo - You're not a bad stepmom. You've tried so hard, but have been pummelled every step of the way. I can't say that I wouldn't take the same approach as you if I were in your shoes. Truthfully, there's nothing you can do. The article I posted the link to had a lot of reallly good ways that people can help their family and friends they suspect are suffering abuse and may have Stockholm Syndrome. Doing to the "victim(s)" what the abuser does doesn't work. It only causes more abuse to the victim and, in return, more abuse towards you. You're on the right track, but you're in the "it's going to get worse before it gets better" phase.

I hope SD wasnt freezing. I think when kids have to go back and forth between homes, the adults should try to help with things.

Thanks Ashley I know we have a long road ahead of us ... kids won't be 18 for another 8 years ... was 11 years so things are looking up!!!

I keep saying the light at the end of the tunnel better not be a train but some days it is a train.

I don't know it was 70 degrees out ... guess she could have been "freezing".... I didn't ask ... considering I sent her to her mom with 3 "winter coats" the day before....

Maybe mom should stop sending her children here and to school with shorts on ... since they go there with pants come home in shorts .... gee should we go buy more pants or say hey wear home pants ... but mom says she bought them so they have to stay there!!! ok so if thats how she wants to play it whatever you come home in is what you wear the next time you go there.

Sad thats the only thing you picked so I guess the other things are ok?

as long as its mom doing it??

Common sense says that when you step outside when it's cold & you don't have your coat on... DUH!!! Who's fault is that? A baby or very small child might not think for themselves but a 9 year old KNOWS if they are cold and that a coat will keep them warm.

My SD9 had a minor foot surgery almost a month ago on a Thursday. She went to mom's on Friday & Saturday was running barefoot at a soccer game. Sunday, comes home & incision is full of dirt. Mom didn't even put a band aid on it. SD goes back to surgeon & has to have a larger section removed, leaving a large open wound. She has that done on a Monday. All week, DH & I soak her foot & bandage it per Dr's orders. Friday she goes to mom's & comes back Sunday with it not bandaged & full of dirt again. Yeah, I think BM is a moron. She knows about the surgeries & she brags about being a nursing student/EMT... blah blah blah. But, when SD comes home with dirty feet, it's HER that we lecture. Sure, DH can call BM and chew her out & he'll get the same response he always gets... she didn't 'allow' it & SD got in trouble for going barefoot. DH won't even bother anymore. SD is old enough to realize she's had to have TWO surgeries that hurt. They are HER feet. She has the ability to keep them covered. She is old enough to ask for a band aid. She has to take responsibility for HERSELF. DH could call BM on it if SD asked for band aid and BM said no.

It's one thing to help kids with things when they are going back & forth, but it doesn't teach them to be responsible for their things when they don't have to remember because they have someone else doing it for them. We're not talking about babies or little kids... 9-12 year olds.... not babies.

OK here's an afterthought....

SS10 only 13 months older than SD9 who forgot her coat at our house.... leaves his coat at school and the parent picking the child up doesn't say oh lets go back and get it or says oh it will be there monday .... and of course it isn't there on monday brand new coat mind you .... whose responsibility is it to acquire a new coat ???? the parent who neglected to retrieve it or the parent who bought it the first time around assuming they are different parents of course?

EEks I hope the kids doesn't freeze with out his coat!!!

OH wait its not a 9 yr olds issue to remember things but a 10 yr old should !!!

Why wouldn't the coat be there Monday? My youngest has left her coat behind what seems like hundreds of times - at school, on the bus, at the dojo - and but they have always been there when she remembered to retrieve them - sometimes a couple of weeks later.

Probably because a teacher sold it on eBay!

JNM - LMAO! I never thought to look for our coats on E-Bay!

I'm really not sure who should buy the coat. I've had this problem before. DS leaves coat at school and we never see it again. I don't know who takes them, but they've never showed up in the lost & found. I would say that the parent who failed to retrieve the coat.

Well its obviously ...(to quote mom) "your responsibility to buy him a new coat after all you have 'sole custody' of the boys"

She had the nerve to call hubby yesterday and ask him "when are you going to buy SS10 a new coat since he lost the other one" ... hubby said well you should be buying it since you couldn't be bothered going back to the school for it... then she said well its your responsibility blah blah blah... Then she sends him home in shorts and a t-shirt ... it was 40 degrees out ... so concerned about a coat couldn't bother to put pants on the kid.

Maybe I should call DSS!!! neglect!!! Oh I don't have to they are coming to visit today :)

talking about coats....DD lost her nice winter coat on a bus two days ago. She informed me about it yesterday on the phone...famous DD who travels abroad with no suitcase or purse and just a wallet and a passport in a back pocket.

two days ago it was too cold to ride a bike to college and work so she bought bus pass and wore long nice coat. it was too warm on a bus, so she took her coat off. when she got out at her stop she noticed it was rather cold outisde, it took her awhile to realize that her coat is missing, she already walked few blocks before she noticed. It was a very nice coat that i got for her last year as a gift. Com'n how does one lose a coat? You just have to know DD...the most absent minded person ever.

My guess is if coat is missing, it would likely be missing by time child went back. I dont suspect teachers, I suspect other kids. IMHO. News flash -- kids lose things.

Pseudo - DSS is coming today? What for?

FWIW, I most definitely think DH should tell DSS about BM sending kid in shorts and not going to get coat from school.

No $hit.... they lose things not a big deal ... I have already gone out and gotten him another coat ... but the point WAS.... poor SD forgot her at our house like she was never going to get it back and we got grief over it from mom but its ok if he loses it at school after all she doesn't have to supply anything for him .... your one sidedness shows in the same post about the same person ....

But you said when SD forgot her coat hope she doesn't freeze ... but SS loses his kids lose things.... so which is it???? they lose things and they freeze can't have it both ways!!!! its different because he lost his and she forgot hers its ok for him to freeze but not her because she lives with mom and he lives with dad???

So basically if mom does it ... its ok ... doesn't matter what it is ... as SM I am always wrong ... holier than thou bull$hit...

Seems you are pathological as well believing your own bull that mom's are always right ... good for you!!!

same as you putting your thoughts and ideas into your child's head that SM and Dads are no good .... a little stockholm syndrome going on the KK house.

poor mom I should feel bad afterall she is one living with out her precious babies my hubby must be the biggest jerk in the world ... poor BM... (throw ups relentlously)

Pseudo -- my comment was a narrow one, directed at the lost at school issue, yes I am sorry if any child goes without a needed coat.

"Stockholm Syndrome" at my house. HAHAHA. My X sees his DD for maybe one dinner a month, and one 2-3 day vacation every six months. He is welcome to see her anytime she wants.

Sorry ashley missed your post....

Mom called DSS back in July when I refused to let SD talk to her mom after she had already been on the phone with her for 4 hours.

When DSS came to our home they didn't find anything to really charge any of us with .... but they felt SD actions required some immediate intervention... so they came once in july once in aug and once in sept. to our home but they go weekly to mom's on either a wed or fri... to "meet with the children" because every monday and thurs mom would call and report us to DSS for something else .... she even took SD9 and SS10 to the police station to file a report against hubby because he let them go to their mothers instead of arguing with them ... she said he was just looking to get rid of them ... then she had them speak to the judge how "they were afraid to come home"

So DSS thinks SD is in danger.

The boys are in counseling mom met with their counselors last week ... I spoke with the counselor on tues (14th) and said ... well DSS had til friday (10th) to have services in place so I am guessing they are closing the case ... DSS called me an hour later to tell me they are keeping the case open and that the counselors filed against mom for emotional abuse of my SC.

DSS told us in Sept they had big plans ... for us ... including family therapy, daily visits from a parenting aide, a whole list of "things" and none of it had been put in place by the 10th that was the end date of the 45 day assessment.

Mom calls DSS one month before they have to go back to court this is the third time she has called but its the first time anything came of it ....

When I spoke with DSS they said the parenting aide wasn't going to work because that was only an 8-week assessment and our case is going to take longer than 8 weeks ....

If I hear one more person say for the sake of the children I am just going to explode!!!

OMG! I can't believe all of that is STILL going on!

Honestly, I can't believe you hang around for all of this. If it were me, I just might have moved myself out and filed for legal separation by now.

Not that I would WANT to be away from my husband, but you are taking a SERIOUS amount of abuse from both children and adults that you have no other connection to than a piece of paper. You live in a home and support a home that is hostile towards you. I'm not so sure I wouldn't have thrown up the white flag of surrender and told DH he needed to figure this out without me.

::puts on rose colored glasses::

I like to think it will all be worth it one day ... and I'll kick myself in the a$$ if I am not around when someone anyone besides me and hubby tell mom she is doing more harm to her children than she can ever realize.

I let most of the Bull$hit roll off my shoulders these days and just keep a log of everything ... I let DSS read them and the counselors read them and anyone else who wants to ...

I also don't let mom get to me I say things like "if your that concerned do something about it" ... so she does she calls DSS but they aren't doing anything either ... the counselors (I guess) told her the boys are having trouble dealing with all the emotional abuse...
she said well pseudo is doing blah blah blah and SS10's counselor told her pseudo is not the one he expresses his concerns about its you

BM retelling the story to the counselors of how oldest SD19 now was 8 yrs old and jumped out of the second floor window ... I guess she was trying to imply mental illness runs in the family explaining SD's odd behaviors... but she left out the part where SD ran across the street and called her aunt and said "come get me BM said she was going to kill me" ... and why she had to jump out the window???? oh because BM locked her in her room the door knob was turned around and locked from the hallway .... all this happend while hubby was at work.... he came home and removed the door knob completely ... so it couldn't happen again. She tried to say SD turned the doorknob around to "make it look like she locked her in there" SD is evil!!!