that is ridiculous... Mom doesnt want to help... but dad should not allow step mom to help .... that is just the most ludacris thing I have ever heard

I dont know about other states, but in CA if both parents are found to be responsible adults, then bd calls the shots when the child is with him and bm calls the shots when the child is with her. This includes who can pick the child up from school, ferry the child to various events, or watch the child in the absence of the bio-parent.

And my aupair picks my child up from school. Doesnt make her a mother. And as TOS said, if neighbor picks up child, doesnt make her a mother either. And anyone can go to open school events.

Same in IA, accept in our situation BM isn't allowed to call the shots when the children visit.

"but legally a SM is not a parent "

Ah so next time my husband is out on business and my skids have a headache I'll say I'm not allowed to do anything for you accept make you sit here and suffer until I can get a written letter from your father authorizing me to give you tylenol.... pleaaase...

Step Mothers are not glorified babysitters, sorry.

I never said that you are threatened by someone being a better mother than you obviously you dont think that. It seems that bio moms feel threatened that their children may actually love another woman in a motherly way. Its interesting that you would automatically assume that calls into question your parenting skills. I personally believe that it is possible for a child to have a wonderful mother and step mother and love them each separately and uniquely.

It is completely ridiculous of you to assume that this dad is delegating his parental rights to step mom because he is lazy or just doesnt want to deal with being a dad and so step mom does it. Talk about presumptuous! We dont know what type of work this dad does that makes it easier for SM to handle setting up appointments for the kids. And yes, there are careers that make it difficult to get away to make a phone call or take a break.

Seriously, equating a drivers license to parental rights? Reaching a bit????

"And yes, there are careers that make it difficult to get away to make a phone call or take a break."

That is true. That is why I chose the career I have, and why it is inappropriate for a parent to choose a career as, say, a Navy SEAL. There are lots of careers I could have chosen that would have made it very difficult for me to parent but in which I would have made more money.

kkny is correct, and I think her analogy is a good one. It is wrong to delegate parenting to someone else.

I can choose to let the school or camp nurse give my child a tylenol. That does not make her a mother.

mom_of_4,

I do attend events that are important, including scholastic awards and school productions. In our family, team sports do not qualify. If the kids enjoy them, fine. If they don't, equally fine. They are just a game. I don't watch them play monopoly with each other either (though I sometimes do play that with them).

No one said,TOS, that you dont go to those things for your children ... My point is that BM does not do it for her children even though it is VERY important to them... and that she doesnt show up for half of the scholastic, school, etc etc events either... BIG DIFFERENCE ((and yes it is a game, but one they love and put a great deal of effort into and want their mom there and especially for children such as my oldest who do not do well in school sports is something he can do very well in and feel very proud of))

Also, not that I have to justify anything to anyone, but for your information... Our jobs were chosen because they support our childrens best interest. His job allows him to go into work at 7:00 am and get off at 330 ... which allows me to take the kids to school in the morning and then get to work at 9:00 then I take my lunch break at 245 to pick up the kids and start homework in the car... then I drop them off with him at 330 and go back to work... he takes the kids home and works on homework until I get home and then I finish homework... he gets the boys ready for football I get the girls a snack and then we go to practice... I leave a few minutes early get dinner started and the girls showered and then he and the boys come home and we all eat dinner and then we get the kids to bed... then we get up in the morning and start all over again... My job since it is a non profit has glorious benefits that are inexpensive for the kids healthcare and also gives me huge amount of PTO time for all of the emergencies that comes with having kids and so on.... His job gives us the hours we need to not have daycare and also allows him to take saturedays off to be at the football games and such.

So yes, we did make the best career decisions to benefit our childrens and our lives... We could be making more money but that is why I am finishing school in the spring...

And BTW no one is asking for any thankyous... I am asking for people to not complain if they dont want to do it themselves....

Exactly what is the current argument? Everyone has a different situation and circumstance. "Across the board" does NOT apply to anyone on this forum as no two are exactly alike. TOS's ex-husband's wife is NOT a "mother" figure in her children's lives, however, MOM of 4 IS the mother figure in her stepchildren's lives. KKNY, you will be the ONLY mother in your daugther's life, however, I AM considered a "parental figure" to my stepdaugthers. What is so hard to understand??? Every situation is unique.

Also, I am tired of hearing "...you knew he had children when you became involved." I found the below excerpt on the internet (the link is below).

"When someone complains about how bad their husband is, why don't we say: Didn't you know your husband when you married him? It wasn't an arranged marriage, was it? When someone complains about how difficult their teenager is, why don't we say: Hmmmm. You knew he would grow up into a teenager when you decided to have him didn't you? You weren't ignorant of biology, were you? You understood that sex can lead to teenagers didn't you? When someone complains about their boss why don't we say: You had an interview before you took the job, didn't you? You met him, right, you investigated the company? I could go on and on here but I think you get it. We don't say these things to people when they tell us their problems with their boss or kids or husbands BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HELP --- BECAUSE IT JUST DISCOUNTS THEM AND MAKES THEM FEEL STUPID. IT BASICALLY SAYS "YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW YOU SLEEP IN IT." IF THIS KIND OF ADVICE SEEMS HELPFUL TO ANYONE PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND."

http://www.babycrowd.com/forums/divorced_family/You_Knew_He_Had_Kids_When_You_Married_Him/

(hand slowly rising)

Yea I dont agree with everything you quoted I think reminding people that they knew these things going in, and knew these things were not going to change, will hopefully help them to stop complaining, change what they can, and accept what they cannot change.

In college, I worked for an intervention hot line. We were trained to give helpful advice. We were told that we were not there for people who didnt want help and only wanted to complain. They got 3 calls if they had not followed through on any of the suggestions, they were cut off.

If you find the work place not compatible, you can quit. Sadly, many folks "quit" their marriages just as easily hence the divorce rate. The divorce rate among blended families is higher than first marriages. I do want folks contemplating a second marriage where children are involved to know this and understand what they are getting into. Love WILL NOT concur all and these children do not need yet another divorce and unhappy parents in their lives

just saying... :-)

I agree with Jeri on this. What is the alternative - telling them that they are right to feel put upon, and deserve better than irritating teenagers and an uncooperative husband?

I don't complain, at least not too often, about things I was prepared for when I had six kids, like many years of interrupted sleep. I was not, however, prepared for my H to desert his family - even in retrospect.

Six Kids??? Glup And your husband bailed??? That is sooooo wrong for sooooo many reasons How old were the kids when this happened???

Yes, I think OP's situation pales in comparison to TOS. And I think this board, comprised of SMs who never had affair with a married man, who provide only mothering to stepchildren, is incredibly statistically unlikely. But I guess it could happen.

Jeri,

The youngest was 3, and the oldest was in college.

It's rather scary when I can't determine which upsets me more some days . . . the issues surrounding our blended family or the postings I read on here.

First up - KKNY. What were you trying to say in your last post? That the vast majority or SM's on this are "home wrecking", "boundary overstepping" women? Please tell me I read that wrong.

MO4, sieryn and starr, I respect and relate to your postings. I too am the main motherer (I just made that word up) and my DH has custody. I am in that role for two reasons: BM only likes to mother when it is fun or fits her need to look like mom of the year, and because I loved my SD enough to attempt to fill the void her BM leaves. What I take from some posters is that if a BM is willingly absent, the SM should just "respect boundaries" and allow the skid to be *motherless* for lack of a better word. No mother is better than a stepmother, right?

My being the "main motherer" does not mean BD/DH is any less of a father. It means that we made a decision that we were a family. We are raising his SD and our two DS's TOGETHER. There is no your kid/our kids. I treat my SD no differently and do no less than I would for my children. For example, if there were 3 soccer games on a Saturday and my DH had to be out of town (and no, I'm not overjoyed to sit in the rain and watch them, but because they are important to my children there I sit and cheer) I don't go to my DS's games and tell my SD she's out of luck if her BM won't take her.

To those posters, I ask *you* to place yourself in the shoes of the skid in this correct blended family you are espousing. How would *you* feel if you were the child in a household where *you* were treated like a boarder by one of the two adults in it? How do *you* think *your* siblings would treat you once they figured out "mom" only participated in their lives, but not *yours*? If *you* couldn't depend on *your* BM, and couldn't come to *your* SM for anything because she would be overstepping her "boundaries"? Can you admit that maybe *you*, as the skid, would suffer so that BM held her exalted, though undeserved, place as MOM, and SM stayed within her "boundaries"? Can you consider the possibility that letting this woman, this horrible 2nd wife, care for their skid in a motherly way might just be good for the child? I didn't say good for the BM, or even good for the SM, but for the skid. There is no reason to deprive a child of love, support and care just because you did not give birth to them. Saying a child, or 6 for that matter, are better off with one parent then a parent and a STEPparent (oh, the horror!)is mind blowing. Again, how can more love be a bad thing?

Here is a question. What about adopted children? They have a MOM. That MOM chose not to be part of their child's life, and someone else was willing to fill that void. Are they "overstepping their boundaries" in doing so? Should all the children up for adoption today remain without a family, because no child should be parented by someone who does not have their DNA?

Just martha,

I didntsay the vast majority of SMs are homewreckers, I just think that representations on the board that SM never dated dad while he was still married or that mom isnt involved are statistical anomolies.

Adopted children are not the same as step. There, the mom has legally given up the rights. Yes, I think all adopted moms are moms (and they are in the eyes of the law).

I think it is presumptuous to call the children motherless when they DO have a mother, whether or not she is a great one. Only if she is completely out of the picture - dead, or hasn't been heard from in a long time - are the children motherless. Even in those circumstances, unless the stepmother is willing to make the commitment of adopting the children, she is NOT their mother.

My exH almost never comes to the children's activities, sees them at most 1.5 hours a week, and is certainly not a very involved father. I am sure that he would be both hurt and incensed if anyone claimed that they were fatherless.

Yes, I do believe my kids are better off in a single parent home than they would be with a stepfather. There is less potential for conflict, no concerns about different sets of rules, no stress from living with someone who most likely doesn't love you and may not even like you. The only potential benefits of having a stepfather would be economic and possibly logistical, as in having another taxi driver.

Definition of a stepparent....

Maid, cook, babysitter, taxi driver, homework helper,

Great now I know my role in their house.

When the real world is kicking them in the a$$ I can just say .... I am "just" the stepparent.

Even though I am an adult in the home ... if neither parent can do what is needed for whatever reason... I should just sit back and say not my kid, not my problem, who they become as adults will have no bearing on me.

I get it now. I should just go on about my business putting my children and my husband first and treat his children as if they didn't exist. I will not do anything extraordinary for them afterall they are not my kids what should I care who they become because it will not effect my life. They should be able to be independant individuals doing for themselves until a "parent" is around to "parent" them. Who am I to tell them any different.

Afterall I knew he had kids what was I thinking. I should have known their mother (who was not involved in their lives until I showed up) would make my life and theirs miserable to make herself happy.

So I guess my options are limited to ... leaving or letting go and doing nothing. Which is basically the same option.

TOS - I disagree with you on so many levels. I realize there is no point in debating with you and kkny as you are pretty bittered by your x husbands conduct, which you are entitled to be, but not all situations are that way. You need to stop ripping on women who make the effort to give children every opportunity for a loving home and support them emotionally and financially. There is no yours,mine and ours there is only ours in my household.

BTW - I carry all the boys (ours and my skids) on my insurance, because I have a better plan than my husbands and I don't consider that to be overstepping my boundaries, I consider that to be peace of mind if we ever end up in an emergency room. And what about taxes? We file jointly and claim all the boys as dependents, if things were so separated as you require should I not have to file separately because they aren't my deductions? Food for thought on how silly you are being.

"The only potential benefits of having a stepfather would be economic and possibly logistical, as in having another taxi driver."

disgusting....

Cawfe, I think how the world defines you isnt important. It is how you and your DH define you. If you are a SAHM, I think it is reasonable for Dad to ask you for help with the stepchildren. But if you dont then you should discuss.

Its ok for dad to ask me to help because I am a SAHM?

So is their mother... even though the kids are only there 2 days a week. (she's not working either)

I'll define it as a SAHWife! If I believed everything I read on here I am just his wife.... not in a parental role(to his children).

""The only potential benefits of having a stepfather would be economic and possibly logistical, as in having another taxi driver."

Hopefully you would agree that these would be really bad reasons for remarrying. Since I see NO benefits for the children other than these, I would not remarry while raising them.

Sieryn

You are entitled to file jointly because you are married. Filing joing allows both parties to claim deductions on one return. For example, if you owned a house in your name, and there was mortgage interest, that interest would be deductible on the joint return. It would not make the house belong to you and your husband jointly. As to what your insurance carrier allows, that is up to them. Again, you may be doing a favor for your husband, yes married people share, that does not make you a mom.

I think some of the frustation here is that just because XH gets remarried, and he may be in a partnership with new wife on a number of things, including taxes, finances, who pays for insurance, doesnt mean that SM is entitled to any parental rights. There may be situations, which I suspect are a very small percentage of step families, where the mom is virtually absent. But I really think this is a small group.

Hey Cawfe, I guess both of our crystal balls were broken when we decided to tie the knots with our respective husbands!! That's what we get for shopping at the discount stores...

"I agree with Jeri on this. What is the alternative - telling them that they are right to feel put upon, and deserve better than irritating teenagers and an uncooperative husband?"

Sometimes a sympathetic shoulder is nice. Sometimes it is really nice to know that you can go someplace and feel connected with other people who are going through the same things you may be going through. Sometimes it is really nice to know that you are not alone in the madness surrounding you. And in all of that, you find strength to move forward with hopefully a new perspective.

What sounds better if someone is having a difficult time:

"You knew he had kids and an ex-wife when you married him"

OR

"Yeah, I went through that too. You're not alone. This is what we did to try to make it easier."

I am not my step grandson's mother, she visits once or twice a year. I am his parent however. DH and I make all of his educational, medical, discipline, etc. decisions while he is with us during the school year. We, his formerly custodial grandmother, and his mother all agree that I have as much say as DH does in his upbringing because I spend the most time with him. We deduct him on our taxes, we are functionally his parents. He's never had any REAL parents before us.

You know its whacky ..... I know I am not nutz ... but his ex w ... makes me question my own sanity at times.

I am not perfect never claimed to be ... but anytime I have met someone like her I have cut all contact with them and had nothing to do with them.

I cannot do that in this situation she will be around till the kids are atleast 23 ... it may continue it may not.

This is my sanity break just to get it off my chest so I am not repeating myself to friends and family who are sick of listening to me .... they all agree with me and feel sympathetic but no one has a solution.

I feel helpless at times because the more I do for them the more she strikes me down .... so now I am in do nothing mode .... if I do not "have" to do it ... I DON"T.

Yes I tell the children I am not your mother I do not have to do anything for you ..... because I have heard enough that I am not your mother as they have told me repeatedly.

My SD is pissed because I will not buy her a halloween costume..... and have no plans on getting her one.... if her parents want to go get one for her they can ... not stopping them not reminding him not even mentioning it to him.... and when his daughter asks me I tell her to ask her parents I am not her parent.

I am sure I am giving them a sense of well=being and a loving relationship is being formed ... but this is what her mother wants her mother has entitled her and the other two to treat me like dirt and backs up their bad behavior. So their "parents" can deal with the questions and answers as their fathers wife I do not have to do anything for them.

"Yes, I do believe my kids are better off in a single parent home than they would be with a stepfather. There is less potential for conflict, no concerns about different sets of rules, no stress from living with someone who most likely doesn't love you and may not even like you. The only potential benefits of having a stepfather would be economic and possibly logistical, as in having another taxi driver."

Is this your opinion about YOUR situation? Or is it your opinion about ALL stepfamily situations?

"I think some of the frustation here is that just because XH gets remarried, and he may be in a partnership with new wife on a number of things, including taxes, finances, who pays for insurance, doesnt mean that SM is entitled to any parental rights."

So let me get this straight, the only entitled activity I'm allowed to have is the bill payer? Other than that I just ignore these people living in my home and direct everything to their father? Yeah, that really works.

The percentage of absent biomom's may be low, but it happens to be my situation, as well as several other ladies here.

I ask again, what is a mother? You keep going on and on about "that doesn't make someone a mother" but really what, in your opinion, makes someone a mother?

What is your point in being in this forum? You have no constructive advice to give the members here. There is a parenting forum here filled with "real" mothers. I mean really, there aren't many step families here who relate to your position so why not go and bestow your great advice on the real parents out there. Creating a single parent forum would be great since you two seem to have quite a bit of experience in that arena. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that you two could be a real strength to young single mothers out there. In step-parenting, you just dont have a clue what you are talking about. Your opinions are clouded by your own unfortunate situations and it shows in every one of your posts.

What Starr said!

ditto

I have often found your advice helpful in order to see differing view points, however, we're at a stalemate and it appears that you will never open your minds enough to see that our situations are quite different from yours and sometimes you have to adjust yourself and your own perceptions in order to offer a meaniful contribution to anothers situation.

I meant meaningful!!!!

a qoute I found:

"the commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes them a mother-which is as absurd as believing having a piano makes one a musician"

Sieryn,

No I dont think you are entitled to parental rights (like being at IEP conference). Whether you get hugs and smiles and other rewards is up to family -- not a legal issue.

http://www.berkeley.edu/news/berkeleyan/1998/0422/families.html

Interesting stuff.

MO4 - I love that!

kkny - my husband would disagree with you he would want me there as he did at the therapists meetings to be a participant in what is best for OUR children and his is the legal opinion that matters.

Rewards? Its not about rewards and that is an obscure term for parenting.

Who takes the kids off their taxes has is based on the separation agreement and has absolutely nothing to do with parenting. My exH (and his current wife, assuming they file jointly) get to take half of my children off their taxes, even though she sees them maybe once or twice a year at most, and my exH sees them for an hour or so once a week.

cawfecup said,

"Yes I tell the children I am not your mother I do not have to do anything for you."

Yet, from an earlier post, I got the impression that she was annoyed that I didn't consider her a mother. This doesn't seem consistent.

lonepiper,

I think children in general are better off in single parent families than they are in stepfamilies. I am sure there are exceptions, but I believe such exceptions are few.

I think there are a lot of fathers out there who are perfectly capable of parenting their children, yet as soon as they marry/live with a woman, they abdicate much of their responsibility to her. Consequently, the children end up receiving less parenting from their father than they would have had he remained single. This is true whether or not the father is the custodial parent.

Gotcha. May I ask why you wish to rub our noses in it then? Your distaste for stepmoms, stepdads and stepfamilies is obvious, so exactly how are you contributing to this forum? Do you have any helpful advice for me? For any of us? Are you deliberatly attempting to make us feel like dirt or does it come naturally? I have tried to be open to your postings and yet, when all is said and done, the only conclusion I can make of it all is that you want to make us feel bad and to hurt us in any way you can think of. Job well done. You've succeeded.

TOS, it warms my heart immensely to know that you have chosen to not remarry. It is uncommon to find men of your age without children and the thought of you becoming a step mother is, for lack of a nicer word, mind boggling! It is beyond comforting to know that someone like you has made the conscious decision to never become a step parent.

Kudos to you!!!

Sieryn,

If the mom doesnt want you at the therapsit meeting, I suggest there may be an issue.

Sieryn -- from that article

Presently, there is little support for intact stepfamilies. The stepparent is considered a legal stranger with no rights or obligations to the children he parents. A stepparent is not obliged to support his or her stepchildren, nor does he have any legal authority over them. A stepparent cannot, for instance, sign a field trip permission slip, or ask a doctor for a prescription for the children she helps parent.

Yes, the authors want change.

So let's bring it all back around. Here is what I see as the basic issue here debated by 1000 different examples. TOS, and KKNY to a lesser extent, are trying to say that SM's, as one sterotyped entity, are attempting to make a skids "theirs" and take the BM out of the picture totally by "overstepping their bounds" and acting in a parental way toward a child they did not give birth to. SM's, on the other hand, are beating their heads into walls trying to make you understand that we KNOW the skids have a BM. We are NOT trying to take that role. But, in many situations that role is left virtually empty by a BM that CHOOSES not to fill it.

Where is the harm in a SM stepping in to care for that child who would otherwise go without? I'm not talking legalities, which you tend to like to fall back on, but emotion. I'm saying that if SM's are selfless enough to give to a child that is not ours love and affection, how can you see that as wrong. If my SD WANTS me at conferences, games, meetings and such because she says (and I quote) that I am more of a real mom then her BM is, what should I say? Sorry, that is your BM's *right*, and though she chooses not to participate or care I can't because I didn't give birth to you? How can SM's taking on parental jobs for the benefit of the child be harmful?

"Yes, I do believe my kids are better off in a single parent home than they would be with a stepfather. There is less potential for conflict, no concerns about different sets of rules, no stress from living with someone who most likely doesn't love you and may not even like you."
You know TOS, this could only be the case if YOU were to allow this type of person into the household and their lives.

"the commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes them a mother-which is as absurd as believing having a piano makes one a musician"
MO4 - I couldn't agree more.

lonepiper,

I don't think anything I could say about the negatives of remarriage could compare to the thread on "Would you remarry again" from awhile back.

I think it is beneficial to encourage stepmothers to do what they can to encourage the fathers NOT to abdicate their parental responsibilities. Then everyone, the children, the father, the mother, and the stepmother, would be better off.

As I have said before, I am surprised by the apparent incompetence in the husbands as described by the wives on this forum. Even if they are skilled in their professions, they seem to be incapable of managing their own financial lives, negotiating with their ex-wives, or dealing with the school systems or their children's issues, whatever they may be. I find it hard to believe that this level of incompetence is typical of men in general. I know my exH can manage money just fine; he and I had few problems negotiating issues except when his current wife nixed agreements we had made; and he handles his role in IEP meetings very well. Yet he lets his current wife take over on far too many occasions.

Back in the 1800's and before, when it was not uncommon for women to die in childbirth, a lot of men remarried in order to have someone to take care of the children. I would hope that most custodial fathers do not marry primarily for that reason anymore, but I suspect that some do, and even among those who remarry for other reasons, many expect their new wives to take on that role.

"this could only be the case if YOU were to allow this type of person into the household and their lives."

What type of person are you referring to? Any stepparent is likely to have a different set of rules from what your children have grown up with; many of the stepparents on this board have admitted that they don't love their stepchildren and in a number of cases don't even like them; and conflict over stepfamily issues seems to be pretty much inevitable. It has little to do with what type of person the stepparent is (though obviously no one should marry someone who they know to be cruel), and only somewhat to do with the fact that they are not biologically related to the children. Mostly it is a function of the fact that they are not members of the family. The kids did not grow up with them. Although they may be compatible with the parent, they may not be compatible with the children. The children's habits, idiosyncrasies, and behaviors may be very different from what the stepparent is used to, and vice versa. The family "culture" is likely very different in many ways. That doesn't make the family culture wrong, or deserving of being changed.

"But, in many situations that role is left virtually empty by a BM that CHOOSES not to fill it."

I think if that is the case, the FATHER should fill that role.

It is possible to share a household with people outside your nuclear family without falling into the role of parent. Many people have cousins, brothers, au pairs, etc. living with them. These may be a source of stress for many reasons, but generally speaking the householders do not feel the need to parent them.

Please take a look at June0000's recent post on the "Hurt, tired, fed-up all over again" thread.

I think disengaging is the right thing to do - unrelated to whether your efforts are appreciated, but because it encourages the father to have a close relationship with the children when he has to take responsibility for maintaining that relationship.

I am sure it is not always easy to disengage. On one occasion, all the children forgot their father's birthday, and he was very upset with them. Apparently he never realized that the reason they had never forgotten before was because I had reminded them every year, and this particular year I had forgotten also. It is not really my responsibility to keep track of my exH's birthday, especially when the children are plenty old enough to read a calendar, but apparently my kids had come to depend on me to remind them.

So TOS, when in this next year my SD gets her period, she should go to her father, as uncomfortable as that may be for her, because her BM isn't involved and I am a substandard 2nd wife? Because if there can't be a BM there should be no one?

Additionally, the issues you believe will happen with a step parent could . . . . or could not. Wouldn't you take the time to discover what kind of step parent they would be before making them part of your family? Not everyone believes that to love a child you have to be biologically related. Perhaps some of us can give more of ourselves unselfishly than others.

Basically I just agree with Starr - you could never make it as a stepmom. Find a more appropriate forum for your self righteous bitterness.

Not annoyed I am not their mother or at you only one I am annoyed with is the BM .... but what I was trying to say is that I do for all the children in this house because they are children and cannot do for themselves ... but if I am reading this correctly (and according to her) I should only be doing for my own and letting him and his children fend for themselves.

And I keep hearing I am not the mom I don't have to do anything for them their parents can... so thats what I am doing .... hard to care for anyone with a knife in your back hurts to bend over and pick up toys or do laundry.

I don't want to sign IEP's or permission slips ... but I don't want to be told by a child my mother said you can't tell me what to do! ... asking a child to take a shower, clean their room take care of their bodies and their stuff .... I get told my mother said you can't tell me what to do ... so guess what I won't ... I don't care if your homework isn't done you haven't worn socks in a week I really could care less .... I am not your parent. So after hubby works 60 hours a week .... he can come home and do for his children. I am on strike!!! aka disengaged.

Because "someone" called DSS on hubby because his son didn't have shoes ...he can deal with it and his children and dss and the BM. Wouldn't it be lovely if the state removed the children because they didn't have shoes and gave custody to mom :)...... foster care with in a week.

I am in a horrible place right now ...... sick of teflon mom getting away with everything and dealing with the children she enables to berate and degrade me and any kind of relationship we might have because she is too scared to admit that she doesn't want them so she is trying to get me out of the picture too....soon she will get her wish.

I am giving it 30 days .... if the situation does not change I will walk away the same as she did. I am literally dwindling away haven't eaten anything substantial in days spend more hours per day crying than I am alert and pleasant.... medicating myself to ease my stress level I should be a full blown alcoholic within a few weeks considering a month ago I didn't drink. I have tried contacting several therapists 2 have called back but I missed the calls because I was out running around my sick child.... this house is too stressful for myself and my child the tension here has everyone on edge ... i love my husband i thought i loved his kids ..... but i do love myself and my son so I will not put us through this for very much longer..... if my situation does not change with in 30 days .... I have already made arrangements for my son to be out of the house when the younger ones are here.... (and he has only lived here for 7 weeks) he has been sick for going on 3 weeks now.... he cannot physically handle the stress in this house. He is mortified how they talk to me and treat me .... if I have to hear him say stop talking to my mom like that one more time I think I will lose my mind. His SM is transporting to and from school on those days.

So as a SAHW with out a job money or car of my own .... I am screwed sideways but my sanity is worth more than any of that. After 2 years I thought it would be over and done with by now .... she just won't give up.... he goes to court next monday if nothing is resolved or if no hope is in sight..... I will have 3 weeks to figure out what to do means getting a job and getting out living where ever....

cawfecup,

I am sorry to hear that you are so miserable. I don't think a father with 3 kids (am I remembering that number right?) should be working away from the house 60 hours a week - whether it is a stepfamily situation or not. That is too much time away from the children.

justmartha,

Yes, I think she should go to her father if she has questions about her period. I wouldn't have hesitated to ask my father if my mother hadn't been around, and I don't think fathers of girls should be embarrassed to discuss it.

"Wouldn't you take the time to discover what kind of step parent they would be before making them part of your family?"

I think a lot of posters here thought they knew what kind of people their spouses and stepchildren were before they married, and were disappointed to find out otherwise.

Cawfe

Prayers going out to you - I have felt just as hopeless at times. Do what is right for you & your son - I am hoping for the best for you

Cawfe, I just wanted to add my best wishes for you. Take care of yourself and your son.

Cawfe, please do not lose all hope. I totally understand how difficult it is to keep your sanity intact when you are living in a world of crazies, but you need to know that you have more strength than you realize. That doesn't necessarily mean strength to stick it out there, but strength to do what you have to do for you and your son. I hate to say pack it in and run, turning your back on your DH and skids. . . but perhaps it's not really turning your back when they have already turned theirs? You can only help those who want help.

We'll be thinking of you. Take care.