I am confused - was the problem that he was still up at 11 or that he was washing clothes then? Is there a reason not to wash clothes at 11? My older kids and I do it all the time - last night it was 1 am.

Maybe it would help if just let the 12 year old get ready for school on his own, and if he doesn't eat breakfast or whatever, it's his problem. My 11 year old can toast waffles; my kids always eat lunch at school unless they want to make it themselves (which they rarely do); they shower at night. I wish I could say they lay their clothes out at night, but actually they don't. Even so, my little one can get up and out of here in under twenty minutes if necessary.

You don't see a problem with a 12 yo child washing clothes at 11 pm? So at midnight he throws them into the dryer? So what time should he go to sleep? His bedtime is 9 pm. So after 2 hours of being in bed he decided he needed to wash clothes.... and then call his mother at 11 pm to complain. And she thought we were wrong.

And yes the washer is adjacent to my bedroom wall and this will sound whacky but I cannot sleep if children are up.

So you are saying the 12 yo should just do whatever he wants whenever he wants? including washing clothes at 11pm?

Well, I can't imagine that it would be a lot of fun to get up after having been in bed for two hours to do laundry. I assume he remembered that he really wanted to wear whatever it was he was washing. My washing machine only takes half an hour, but, no, if this was a one time thing I wouldn't get upset if my child stayed up to wait to put them in the dryer - or, more likely, I would offer to put them in the dryer when I first got up in the morning.

I do think it will be a problem if you can't sleep when the children are up once they become teenagers. Doesn't your son stay up later than you? My teenagers stay up later than I do on weekends most of the time, and I rarely go to bed before midnight.

I understand your point Cawfe - enough sleep for a child on a school night is more important than what they decide they want to wear 2 hours after bedtime. At that age they are ready to learn they can't always get what they want, and if they didn't think to take care of it before bed then it just doesn't have to happen. Not to mention his poor planning would disrupt others in the family - rather selfish. Perhaps if you were treated with respect you could have been asked to run a load for him, but with the behavior you talk of I wouldn't have felt like it either.

Bigger problem is that child thinks it's okay to run to mommy and tattle when he doesn't get his way . . . and that mommy allows, if not encourages, this behavior. You can bet that if he had been with her and done that it would not have been okay, but because he was with you it was fine.
"Oh Bobby, you robbed a bank and Cawfe said you shouldn't have? I'll call your dad right now and tell him to have that wicked lady back off." Puhlez.

Why are no adults supervising laundry? If Dad is home by dinner, why cant he deal with laundery situation earlier?

I wouldn't get upset if MY CHILD stayed up to wait to put them in the dryer - or, more likely, I would offer to put them in the dryer when I first got up in the morning.

tos....he is not my child....

Yes he does stay up later but we have to monitor him .... he wakes the others up starts fights.... beats the dog up... and because I am the SAHW I took it upon myself to defend the other 2 and the dog.

He is still up now on the phone with mom again.... you would think mom would say hang up and go to sleep ... afterall it is almost midnight.

We were supervising laundry ... mom had bought him a pair of pants and because she said "make sure they come back here" he was washing them to wear to her house the next day when he went there.....it was 11 pm ... not 7.

I don't care if he does laundry but not at 11 pm. How do you "deal with laundry" when the kid took the pants off his floor to wash them at 11 PM ...

I am not their mother I do not have to clean their rooms... or pick up their laundry and when dad asks he outright refuses and calls mommy complaining daddy is being mean... by making him clean his room. and she tells the child to have me clean it since I am home all day and don't do anything.... that woman should just shut her face while she is ahead. So NO I do not clean their rooms. Febreeze is a wonderful thing!

At 12, I would have thought a parent would have been in the child's room, even if for only a few minutes, after work and would have said, pls pick up clothes etc. Also, if I knew DD was supposed to have something ready to go back to dad's I would keep my eyes out.

I assume that the mom is just temporarily out of work (you have posted before that she does work), and is somewhat stresses about now working, and is looking for other work.

I also think at 12, child may be contrasting mom who works with you who stays home, and beleive you should have more time for laundry, etc. I know my DD at 15 calls her Dad's GF his combination girlfriend/housekeeper.

And at 12 if he doesn't clean his room what do you do?

Mom only told the child to make sure the clothes go back there at 10 pm when he was on the phone with her... we have always done its your stuff take it back and forth didn't realize if we bought something for him it was ours and he couldn't take it to mom's.

So because mom has been out of work since june she is stressed so its ok for her to put her stress on her children.

If his laundry is not in the laundry room it does not get done end of story.... not going hunting for more work to do.

My own children washed their own clothes starting at age 12. Each got a laundry basket for their 12th birthday. But they did it at an appropriate time not at 11 PM.

Cawfe,

As in many other posts the two bio only moms decide to argue with you no matter how ridiculous they are being! I too find it completely unacceptable that the 12 year old waits till 11pm to decide to do laundry! I would have told my kids too bad...wear what is clean-if it was that important to you then you should have washed it earlier!

As for him calling his mom to tattle, that is awful! Your house your rules...he should not be able to call his mom and "tattle". And she has no say on what goes on at your house, so I would have told my dh to tell her it is not up for discussion!

One of my sd's wanted to play the tattle game. She would take so long to get ready in the morning and make everyone late, but the first thing she always did was put in earrings! Her father and I had told her a million times that after she is dressed,has eaten, has shoes on, brushed teeth, etc. THEN she could put earrings in if there was time. Again, we saw her putting earrings in while she was still in pj's and everyone else was dressed and eating already. So, I put my hands out and told her to give me her earrings. She SCREAMED at me and refused to give me her earrings. Her dad came in the room and then she handed over the earrings. So, I told her she was not getting them back for a long time and that she was grounded from wearing earrings until further notice. She cried. The next time her mom called she made sure to "tattle" about how mean I was.

After the phone call I refused to do anything for her the rest of the day. I made dinner and made everyone but her a plate and told her to make herself one. I reminded everyone to shower and do what they needed to do for bed, but did not say a word to her. I checked everyones homework, but did not look at hers. And did for everyone but her all night. When she finally said something I told her that I was mad that she "tattled" to her mom about me and that if she wants to complain about me I would give her a lot to complain about. I also let her know that there is nothing her mom can do to change the rules in our house.

She felt really bad about being such a brat and I never heard her "tattle" on my dh or I again.

I am sure that our 2 fave bio moms are going to say I am mean, but oh well! I got my point across.

"And at 12 if he doesn't clean his room what do you do?"

I close the door.

Mom2emall,

If my child wasnt fed, I would call DSS. Count on it.

Of course you should call DSS if your child is being starved.

She didn't say she didn't feed her, she told her to make her own plate, if I read that correctly.

"I made dinner and made everyone but her a plate and told her to make herself one"

she did eat-
i just did not bring her food to her at the table like usual (she is 11 and is capable of putting food from a pan onto a plate)

so KKNY...before you snap back you may want to make sure you read correctly!! I never said she did not eat! I do not withhold food as punishment!

Yes, call DSS quickly - she said she didn't feed the child. Or wait, did she just say she told the child dish up their own food and you are attempting to make it child abuse??
On top of THAT - the horror - a child expected to pick up their own bedroom!!! God forbid they show respect for their belongings and their home. Better to teach them just to shut the door and not take responsibility for it.

I think the punishment for calling her mom is way too excessive. Calling mom is not tattling. Punishment for communicating with mom -- yes I would call DSS.

I can see a lot of hatred for Stepchildren by the SM on this board, and I am sorry for their frustation. But as I say a million times, this board is informative -- but scary.

Cawfe, maybe you should suggest next time that his mother should wash the dirty clothes she wants brought back to her house... OR perhaps he should wash them at his mother's home rather than at 11 p.m. at your house. Laundry detergent is expensive - I'm sure she wouldn't mind sharing hers for the sake of her child!! Ugggh, I need to take my own advice though!!! My stepdaughters mother hasn't done laundry for them in years!!

My stepdaughters are awesomely responsible with everything but I still prefer them not to do their own laundry. They are teenage girls and clothes are EVERYTHING to them!! I don't want them to accidently ruin something so they bring it to me, I sort, wash and dry. They fold and deliver it to everyone's respective bedrooms. We all have a part of the process and hopefully they are learning to have pride in their contribution and a job well done.

Ok so close the door..... who does the laundry and what time??

Mom2emall ... how dare you take away her earrings... without consulting with mom first. I tell my SD all the time we are leaving in so many minutes you are going with what you have on... I don't care if its your underwear so if I were you I would get ready rather quickly. She moves :-) doesn't want to go to school in her undies. My SD "has to feed the dog" ... thats her routine she gets up feeds the dog and then gets ready ... I keep telling her to do it the other way. No what if I get dog food on me... she took it upon herself to feed the dog its not her "chore".

Yesterday was a fun day!!! at 11 am he was told to go get his clothes together to wash them a battle ensued.... called me the maid it was a lovely day.....(I am not the maid I am your fathers wife) so after 20 minutes of refusal father told him to go spend the day in his room and just look around at what a mess it is and if he wants to see daylight today he might want to clean it up and gather his clothes and wash them... I don't want to wash my clothes now ... well you either wash them at 11 am or spend everyday until they are done looking at them. If you can wash your clothes at 11 pm you can wash them at 11 am .... by 2 pm he had washed 2 loads of laundry his and his brothers dried and folded them and put them away. :-)

I have done the get your own plate thingie too.... and I have even thrown out whole plates of food after they complained one too many times ... why do I have to eat this crap!!! it tastes gross!!! you don't have to eat it ... now go to bed you won't have any energy if you don't eat good night. And I am so mean and horrible no dessert unless you eat everything on your plate!!! the horror! children called mom to "tattle" they didn't get dessert.

Mom complained she has no socks at her house so I filled a trash bags full of childrens socks .... let her fold them.

I noticed ..... I didn't get a response ... about her putting her stress on her kids that was ok ... but making him do laundry was because I resent him I am sure.

Teflon mom is in for a surprise on monday (court) the DSS worker is going in with hubby to suggest mom's visitation be reduced, terminated or supervised ... so even after a neglect allegation (because the children have no socks or shoes or clothes) against the father DSS is suggesting mom's right be hindered. :)

lonepiper.... They have also been told on a friday you cannot leave this house until your room is clean ... but mommy is coming on sunday ... I don't care if your room is not clean you will not go ... if she wants to get out of the car and help you thats fine but you will not leave here until it is clean. We do this atleast once a month. They do clean it ...

My definition of tattling .... is telling on someone for the purpose of getting them in trouble.

So My SC believe that "tattling" to mom how "mean" we are is going to make mommy do what? is mommy going to get on the phone with me and tell me I am wrong? I doubt it. She will tell hubby he is wrong but only to reinforce what a great mother she is and a horrible dad he is ... so her star shines again. The question I keep asking is if he is such a horrible dad why doesn't she take custody of her children? Then she won't have to complain about paying child support.

Your time or your money!!!

Cawfe, I am so sorry that some of your kids are being a major pain right now, and that it is mostly coming from BioMom. Sometimes you have to wonder what a BioMom is thinking when she encourages that sort of behavior in her child's other home.

We pay for everything for my stepsons, their BioMom does not pay child support (never has), and has expected to be reimbursed when she has bought things for the boys in the past. To me, it is mind-boggling.

Right now, my SS17 (the one who spent 6 months in rehab, basically using up 4 years of college tuition, and we pay for EVERYTHING) told his BioMom he is not happy about having to go to a community college for his first two years. DH and I both feel that son is not ready to be away at college as a freshman, with all the temptations that entails, plus rehab cost a boatload of money, and the cost to son of his choices is that he no longer has the opportunity to go away those first two years.

BioMom is also unhappy - she feels there is a "stigma" attached to community college, son is very bright, etc. She shared this with me over the phone the other day, and then told me she told son last weekend when she was here that maybe he could go away his sophomore year. The hysterical part is this: she does not pay for college, DH does! So I said to her, "Well, if you pay for son to go away his second year, dad really couldn't say, 'no,' could he?" She said, "Well, I don't have the money to pay for his tuition." I wanted to say, "Then why are you telling son he can go away his second year!?!" Instead, I said, "I guess that means son will be going to community college for two years, then."

It's so irritating, because now she has planted the seed with son that he will get to go away his second year, and when DH says no, guess who is the bad guy?

Its one thing to not have the means to do something for your child .... but as you said "plant the seed"... that if they ask the other parent for it their wish shall be granted.

We are in the phase of ... daddy pays for everything you NEED.... mommy and daddy should split everything you want 50% .... they keep asking mom for 1/2 the money for stuff and she is getting very frustrated. :-)

Funny thing about the "stigma" attached to community college.... there isn't a "stigma" attached to being in a rehab facility for 6 months??? I think that speaks volumes more than community college.

So in mom's world its ok he spent 6 months in rehab but poor thing has to go to community college...

I love the response well if you pay for it hubby can't stop him ... I will be using that one :)

Mommy said I can go to baseball camp next summer.... well if mommy's paying for it then I don't think dad will have a problem with you going to baseball camp for a month. (grinning)

Cawfe, what do you want? What will perserve your sense of self and self worth? I don't think you want to leave your husband but I don't think you can handle too much more without blowing. You are NOT insane. You are NOT crazy. You are NOT unreasonable. And you are NOT imagining the obsurdity of it all racing faster and faster around you. What do YOU NEED??

This will sound off the wall ... but as I said at the beginning of the post ... it was very therapuetic for me just to ramble on the other night about what a whack job their mother is.....

Yes I do feel like I am the insane,crazy and unreasonable one at times....because I don't see how she can't see what she is doing to her kids... it must be me if she thinks its ok to brainwash your children against their father.

That's why I have begun to refer to her as the "teflon mom"... nothing phases/sticks its everyone elses fault it has never been hers its all been someone elses.... even why she cheated on her husband "well he kept accusing me of doing it so I went out and cheated on him to prove him right".... ok if you say so....

What I need(ed) was to just spill my guts about all the emotions running through my head.... being a SAHW I do not have a social or work outlet other than things that involve the children. And I will not involve them in my emotional breakdowns they have enough stress picking up their the pieces of their mothers life ..... Until teflon mom is put in her place by someone other than myself and hubby I will not be at ease with my relationship with the children.

Calling DSS on hubby was the last straw for him ... he has finally said he is going to put his foot down and stand up for his children. He was under the impression that any contact with mom good or bad was in their best interest but now he sees that she will stop at nothing to make their lives miserable to gain her own happiness.....

It has been a week since DSS visited with the children ... they have not mentioned it. And we are "pretending" they haven't come here because on friday DSS called back and said ... someone called to complain nothing has been done and that if nothing is done they will go higher up the chain .... they sent a "senior investigator" to evaluate mom and dad. So we are guessing because we haven't mentioned it to the kids or mom she thinks nothing has been done yet.

DSS called today to find out what time and date we were going to back to court .... :-)

We have a 3 page complaint against mom ... guessing it will not be resolved monday... my problem is I want things done yesterday. And when it doesn't happen yesterday I get more and more frustrated. I set myself up for failure and then can't understand why it didn't go my way.

So now I am going with it will be resolved by February. Five months will be long enough for it to be resolved. (I hope)

Thanks for listening and letting me vent

And I really don't care what "certain posters" have to say .... unless you have more than one child and that/those children spend more time in someone else's house than theirs they cannot relate to anything in my life. I find it amusing they defend a BM not matter what!!

Here's a radical idea --
(I've no idea if it could actually work -- but it might open their eyes and make a subtle change at some deeper level.)

How about you and Hubby set his kids down, then you make the following anouncement: For ___ years, you've been trying to walk the fine line between making sure their needs are met and overstepping your bounds. And that it's not working. You've been working your butt off cooking, cleaning, chauffering, buying them this and that, helping with homework, school projects, social engagements, sporting activities,etc. Then the kids 'tattle' to BioMom and alternate between expecting you to do all the work and then demanding that you have no 'say' because you're not "their real mom." And that you're tired and frustrated and about ready to have a nervous breakdown and something's gotta change. But also that you love them and need them and can't imagine your life without them.

Then tell them that the time has come for each one of them to make a choice -- a very important personal choice. And that choice is to decide:

1) Whether to accept you as a full-fledged "parent", with all of the benefits that entails (continued cook, maid, shopping & chauffer service) -- but at the price of a full measure of respect and no more "You're not my mom!" crap, or

2) to decide to treat you like a "step parent" and rely on Dad and BioMom only for all of the core parent stuff. You will continue to put food on the table, take care of their basic needs (not wants - needs) and love them no matter what, but that you will no longer do all of the things a 'mother' is supposed to do.

Then tell them not to answer you right away, but to think about it for a few days, then let you know. Then give each kid a kiss and leave the room.

What do you think? Any possibilities?

Kids would call mom & say dad's wife said she's having a breakdown & we have to choose between you & her.

I think what sweeby said is a really good idea... albeit extreme but sometimes extreme is exactly what is needed...and this has been an extreme situation for a long time... something has to change

I would wait until after friday just so that you know exactly what the situation with bm is going to be from then on...

But, a family meeting is definately in order. And yes, maybe just maybe putting the decision in their hands might help... after all one of the reasons why I felt so strongly about having the kids involved in mine and DHs wedding and having it about a union of families is because so many things are out their hands...

I would definately re word things and leave out the breakdown (cause yeah it may come back to bite you) But tell them it's up to you... Things are not working the way they are now... We, as a family can not continue as we are we are hurting each other and ourselves ... I have done all I can do... Its up to you to each make this choice and do not choose lightly because this is important. It is not about choosing between me or bm ... it's about choosing how you want my role in your life and yours in mine to function. I will always love you and cherish you no matter what personal choice you decide... but we have to make a choice and we have to live with it. I would point out specifics of what would and would not be acceptable... and make them think for themselves... This means phrases like mom said I dont have to do what you said is no longer okay in this house etc etc and explain ... I think deep down you know that it is not okay to be saying those things and I wont accept it anymore... its part and parcel of the bargain.

I dont know something to that extent...

And Cawfe... hang in there... You have done wonderful things taking all that you have taken on and still maintaining...Do not let someone else effect who you are and how you feel... I know that is somtimes almost impossible to do ...believe me I know... but take care of you and take care of yours

Good points about the "nervous breakdown" and to clarify that it's "suplemental Mom" not "replacement Mom" --

But yeah, the whole point is for the kids to consciously make a choice that either validates you, or takes you officially off the hook.

I had the talk sweeby proposes once when my normally great SD was getting a little snitty, and it worked wonders. I took it one step farther though - I made a list of the things I do on a daily/weekly/monthly basis for her of a "mom" nature, everything from cooking to dropping her at a friends to coaching cheerleading to birthday parties, and everything in between. I then made a list of the things I would do as her dad's wife and gave them both to her with instructions to choose what role she wanted me to be in her life. The catch was I would treat her in the same (reverse) way.

It didn't take her long to make a choice (minutes)and it also opened her eyes to all the "mom" things her BM does not do.

A win-win, I say!

"Ok so close the door..... who does the laundry and what time??"

I assume this question was directed at me. My kids do almost all their own laundry, starting around 11 or 12 years old. What time? - whenever they want to. They don't typically get up after they have gone to bed to wash something (mostly they sleep like logs, especially at age 11 or 12), though my teenager occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night to put a load in the dryer when she has forgotten it. My kids don't mind going to bed, and they wouldn't get up to wash clothes for the fun of it anymore than you or I would.

I don't think it is a good idea to tell the kids that you won't allow them to visit the NCP if they don't clean up their rooms. I suspect that would be considered interfering with visitation by the court. I am sure my exH would not have been ok with that if I tried to do that (back when he allowed them to visit).

We actually never sat them down and set them "straight" like that but hubby and I have done the she doesn't have to do such and such for you.... but I think sitting them down all together all 5 that is.

I am a list maker :-) shocked I haven't made that list yet... of things a father's wife does and things a parent figure does.

In May, we did the sit the 12 yr old down... by himself he was 11 at the time... but we discussed what was expected of him and what he expected from me... we had a fairly decent summer only minor minor things. Problems started again when after hearing mom say all summer "take me to court" we did. So now the BS starts again she will play mother of the year.... calling nightly to speak to him not the other two could care less but the 12 yr old is her "buddy"... she has been told time and time again he is not your therapist stop talking to him and them about "your problems".

With the kids all about being "fair" we use the "it's not fair" to cawfe to expect her to do everything for you and not get any respect in return. I have said repeatedly ... if you want to talk to your father and mother "that way" and they don't stop you thats fine but I will not allow you to speak to me that way.... I have given the kids ammo against mom... when mom says stuff about me you tell her to call me and tell me herself if not I do not want to hear it from you.

So the 12 15 and 18 YO can wait till 11 pm to wash clothes? thats just nutz.

That may work and be acceptable in your home but here it is not.... he had 6 hours before bedtime to wash the clothes.

If mom had not called him at 10PM to tell him "make sure you bring the clothes back" he would not have washed his clothes. Why didn't she call him at 4 5 6 7 or 8 pm why wait till 10 pm to call him? an hour after his bedtime she knows his bedtime and still called. She called "his cell".

And you don't see a problem with that?

And as I have said before he doesn't sleep and he is not a quiet child while he is awake.... and will wake the others up he doesn't have to go to sleep at 9 will never happen.... but he must stay in bed "to let his body rest"....

I know I am not nutz but I do question my sanity at moments. My MIL offered to send me on vacation to give me a break.... So when I am at my witz end I'll plan a lowely vacation.

Maybe if someone would actually post what a mother is supposed to do for a child and what a stepparent is supposed to do for a child I would know my place in the world. Until then I will go with what I feel I have to and not have to do for the "people" who live in my home.

If it doesn't come to and end in the home ... where will it end is what I keep telling hubby ... is he going to tell a cop you're not my father you can't tell me what to do? will it stop them from telling a teacher the same thing? a friends mother? how children behave is a reflectioin on you like it or not. If your children behave ... people think good parenting. If your children are misbehaving ...people think bad parenting.

Hubby once said he thinks the children suffer from "stockholm syndrome"... protecting the tormentor. They worry about keeping her happy. My SD has said she lies to mommy about me and daddy because it makes mommy happy.

"Hubby once said he thinks the children suffer from "stockholm syndrome"... protecting the tormentor. They worry about keeping her happy. My SD has said she lies to mommy about me and daddy because it makes mommy happy. "

Bingo!
A parent who puts her own needs above those of her children (or 'his' - it's not just moms) can cause exactly that. The kids know that parent's love is conditional, so they play the game they have to play. Then the 'good' kids feel guilty about the unfair way they've portrayed the other parent and act out because of their guilt and confusion. And the remorseless kids start internalizing and may actually start believing the lies they've told. It's a horrible, nasty situation...

I hope the courts help you this time Cawfe --

Hubby has me making "flash cards" of facts but he doesn't want to come off full of vengence but he does want his point to be made with someone who can do something about it.

So we are writing stuff down that we are sure she will bring up... plus 2 years of notebook notations on things the kids have said and their behaviors. Good and bad.

But "stockholm syndrome" is one he doesn't want to mention. Thinks it will fall back on him. But I think it defines the exprerience perfectly. He thinks if he mentions it they will want to bring the kids in. And he doesn't want to do that at all... but also feels thats in her plan is to get the kids in court.

Just a really tough situation for the kids.... and "I" feel because they vent to me I have to put up with it. They can tell me all the things I am doing wrong because if they tell their parents it will hurt their parents feelings they don't care about hurting mine ... afterall I am not their parent.

Are you saying you wouldn't allow a 15 or 18 year old to wash laundry at 11? Why not?

"Are you saying you wouldn't allow a 15 or 18 year old to wash laundry at 11? Why not?"

They need their sleep! I'd let them start the washing machine (since ours is in a place where it wouldn't disturb anyone else), but they'd have to get up extra early and put them into the dryer themselves in the morning.

If the other parent insisted on getting a specific item back by a certain time, I'd send it -- dirty or not.

How can they if the 12 yo is washing his?

And in an emergency yeah they can ... but better planning on their part is needed.... but we have a new house rule.

New house rule after that incident with 12 yr old ...
No washing or drying clothes after 10 pm. :-)

if you have to be at work for 7 do you get up at 7:30 and get ready?

No you are prepared on time part of growing up is taking responsibility for your stuff and if that means interupting your social life to take care of your laundry then you do it.

Maybe I'm the oddball here but I do everyones laundry once a week (I will fold their clothes and put them on their beds and they hang them up) If anything is needed outside of 'laundry day' then TS, its dirty, wear something else.

As an aside, if you have a septic system it is better to spread out the laundry. Washing a whole family's laundry in one day can put too much of a burden on the leach field.

There are 18 year olds who are asleep before 11?

I cant even imagine getting all laundry done in one day. All I ask is that everyone else try to do laundry during the week, so I can have machines on weekend.

We just make it a practice to have SD 12 wash all her clothes before a weekend with her mom, and send all "mom" clothes back with her clean. This is built into her weekly calendar of chores and part of her allowance system.

On the flip side, clothes come back to us maybe half the time, if they do they are not clean, socks come back with out pairs, etc.

I guess respect and responsibility are subjective things . . .

TOS, when my 4 kids were each 18, their bedtime on school nights was 10:00. Staying up later than that or making any noise was forbidden except for special occasions. Doing laundry at 11:00 was definitely not allowed. Once, DD#2 had friends over for an overnight BD party. When they started vacuuming at 2:00 am, I quickly put a stop to it. Watch movies if you want, quietly, but not NOISE when 5 other people are trying to sleep including 2 toddlers.

well, look on the bright side at least your 12 year old knows how to do laundry....

My kids just recently learned how to fold their own laudry and put them IN the drawers... Before I finally put my foot down the kids has NO chores and NO household responsibilities

I finally had to step up and say that I absolutely was not going to spend every waking minute of every day attempting to clean up after 6 people. Kids will have chores and will pull their fair share of weight. And, no they do not get an allowance for it. I consider it part of being a family.

And BTW, there have been plenty of times for plenty of reasons that I have told the kids they cant call mom
-she is at work
-you are already supposed to be in bed
-my phone is almost dead

there are always acceptable times and reasons not to be allowed to talk on the phone to ANYONE.

I still think a mom is not an anyone. And I think the reason for the restriction is important. If it just to prevent whining, that is between the mom and the child. If it is to prevent mom from getting in trouble at work over petty items, that is different.

Even a dog can tell the difference between being kicked and being accidentally stumbled over. Intent matters.

If my 12 year old ss were washing clothes at 11, I would let it go if it were a one time thing. I would then make a point of asking at dinner if anyone had laundry to do , they should do it now, because the laundry is off limits after bedtime. Making an issue out of it perpetuates the stress that you and your ss are already experiencing between you.

As kids enter the teen years its more and more important to choose your battles wisely, and laundry on a one time basis at eleven isnt that big a deal in the larger picture. His yelling at you is a differnt story.....
If a 12 year old has a dirty room, I too would close the door. They grow out of it, right about the time they want their friends to hang out with them at the house in their room.

Kids play one set of parents against the other quite often in divorced homes. It sounds as if both you, and the stepmom, are caught up in it, blaming and suspecting each other. For some kids, the fact that mom calls dad to complain or dad calls mom to complain is a way of ensuring that their parents love them and a way of keeping the former family engaged, in a twisted sort of way. The boy is 12. Try to see it from his end.

It sounds as if you and stepson really butt heads a lot. No twelve year old should be yelling at any adult. But respect in that fashion is earned, you cant command it. You need to disengage, not focus on what you perceive are the errors of the mom, and learn to let your husband be the one in charge of his own kid. Your anger at the childs mother is palpable , even in your words. You dont have the right to be angry with her. She is the childs mother and is doing what she thinks is best for him.

If you cant handle the things the kid does, without rancour, and without blaming it on someone else, then let your husband be in charge, and learn to ignore it. Otherwise its going to eat you up