Oh yes, it's possible for a mom to not love her daughter. I'm a 58 year old whose mom doesn't pick up the phone at all if she notices that the call is from me. My brothers don't have any issues getting through to her by phone. The last time I saw mom, she told me that all she wanted in her life was her 'boys'. It's not easy to do, but I've decided that the relationship is harmful to my well-being and that I am done with trying. Our relationship has been this way since I can remember.

I'm sorry to sound blunt and your situation may not be the same.

My folks live close by, and I see them at least a couple of times a month I talk to them most days. We have a very different family life that you do, however. Even the one who is least family/party/holiday/religion oriented hates to miss a family occasion--dislikes large gatherings, but really doesn't want to miss them.

You say you're the eldest, so there are siblings, right? Do they have a different relationship with your mother? Does she call them and come to their special days? If so, there's obviously a reason she's avoiding you, and it might be a good thing to get her to agree to meet on neutral ground and really hash out what it is, since you can't fix it if she doesn't tell you. There are some things that can't be fixed, though, like if she doesn't like your spouse. Generally, even when people are wroth with their adult children, they'll do anything for their grandchildren. Again, does she treat your kids differently from your nieces and nephews (if you have any)? Or friends' kids, godchildren, etc.?

If she's that way with everybody, it sounds like it's just the way she is. She started young so maybe she just wants to party now. How about your dad? If your mom is too busy, can you get your dad to come? Or can you take your kids and visit him? And let mom come if she cares to show up?

Other than trying to patch up hurts and resentments, if there are any on her side, there really isn't anything you can do. Don't stop inviting her, but don't count on her showing up. Get some substitute grandparents. Maybe you have an aunt and/or uncle who can sub, or some older friends who don't have local offspring, or there are some lonely elders in your congregation, or someone who doesn't get visitors at the old folks' home. You can't do it by halves. If you start treating people like family, you can't stop unless they do something egregious, which means you have to fetch them when they have to give up their licenses, visit them in the hospital, etc., just like real parents, but it could make you happier to have people who light up when they see you, and dote on your kids, and make them happier too.

The only other thing to do is let it go. You can't make people be the way you think they ought to be. Don't sugar coat it for the kids, but don't rag on her either. "Grandmother is busy living her own life. We like to be together on special days, but it's just not for her. I hope when you're grown, you know that I'll always be there for you, and I hope I'll be welcome in your life."

Meantime, love your children and have a very happy Mother's Day.

Do you think you have done anything to cause this?

I recently spoke to my mother's sister about it. She said it has always been this way with me and she has wondered about it a few times. She also told me their mother was the same with the eldest daughter. (My aunt is the eldest daughter).

My mother goes out of her way for my Dad's daughter. Who ironically enough has a mother who lives around the corner.

There are a total of 5 of us. My Dad (adopted her 4 children) has an older daughter who was in college and moved out when my parents got married.

My mom does a lot for my youngest sister also.

My brother doesn't have much of a relationship with her. And my other sister is an alcoholic so that is a strained relationship.

We all live out of state.

Truly I could not discuss this with her. She would get so upset. I did attempt to discuss when she couldn't come to my eldest 1st birthday party. Because my aunt was turning 50.

My mom is very supportive of her siblings children's life events. She won't miss a wedding, baby shower. There are 30 cousins in all. So that's a lot of life events. :)

So what can I do to not be saddened by this?

My kids are in their late 30s and early 40s. I love having them visit and call. One is shyer than the others, so he does not call often, but he is great when we get together. The others I hear from weekly. Two are about an hour away, and one of those is my daughter and my two little grandsons. I go up to help her about once a week, and we often pick up her brother to join us for lunch if he is available.

We still live in the house where they grew up and can accommodate overnight visits easily. Around holidays, they often spend the night as they did last night. Daughter will often bring the boys with her for an overnight, especially if they don't have school. However, as they get older and into more activities, those visits are less frequent. In the summer, they will visit a few times.

I had my kids in my 30s, and so feel I had grown up and done things before settling down as a SAHM. I don't regret any of the timing, and I often felt that generally I managed better than moms who were so young that they were still growing up when they had their babies.

Your mom was quite young when she started her family, and I bet the freedom to do as she wants now is very important to her.

There is no explaining how various moms nurture differently. I am sorry you are having trouble with it, but I wouldn't expect her to change. You would be happier, I think, if you did not expect so much of her these days and just enjoy her when she is willing to give you some of her time.

Forgive me for saying this, but your mother was herself a child when you were born, so it's likely at Day One you didn't have a mother who had a mature and thoughtful outlook toward you. Would it be reasonable to expect it would change over time? I don't know.

I've had a similar experience with one parent (who unfortunately outlived by 10 years the other one whom I was very close to) and also with a friend here and there. I'm male, I don't take it personally. My longer living parent had more personal choice baggage than I was willing to be polite about and had more emotional fleas than a stray dog. I just accepted that nothing would change and I was happier with no contact with that person, than with trying to accomplish the impossible. It was what it was, and I explained to my (nearly grown) kids that their grandparent had problems and they were welcome to decide on their own to deal with them or not, I chose not to. My relationship with my own kids is excellent, always has been, always will be. Like a marriage, it doesn't happen and stay that way without ongoing effort and attention.

Sorry, It sounds like you've made reasonable efforts to be communicative and accommodating, but that the desire and intent on the other side of the phone is not what you'd like to have. I think you should move on, mourn the loss now (but not for too long), and don't look back.

When I was 40 my parents lived out of town and my dad died when I was 43 and my parents would have been 65 at the time. After he passed away I had a very limited relationship with my mom and she would never pick up the phone to call me although I called her often Now that I am 62 and my mom is 86, she has moved back into town and now lives about 15 minutes away from me, I now know that she doesn't like me. How do I know? because she told me . I am just like my father according to her and while I see nothing wrong with that apparently she does. I suspect that she loves me in her own limited way but she doesn't like me.

I am the eldest of 5 and she has much different relationships with the others than she does with me. She laughs and has a chit-chat conversation with them but with me - no. Our conversations are always very short. My mother worked as a teacher and my siblings all work while I have been a SAHM for 25 years and she views that has a waste of time and as a sign of laziness and of living off of my husband. How do I know? because she told me.

Anyway I could go on and on because I too have wondered why she doesn't want to spend time with me and my family but will with the others. The thing that really ticks me off is that I am the one who keeps her life running smoothly and when she moved back into town I found her a place to live, found her a doctor, a bank, a hairdresser, etc.

I have just reconciled myself to this situation. It hurts and of that there is no doubt. You're still so young as I was when I realized what the situation was like between my mom and me. I wish I had words of comfort for you but I don't. I hope that it will get better for you and your mom but I can't promise that it will.

What I have come to realize is that I like me (that may sound narcissistic but it is important in this context) but I also know that my mother and I are so very different. We look at the world differently, we view people differently, we interpret the world and its issues differently and we always have done so. And in our case opposites do not attract. She has zero desire to get to know me as her daughter while she is very interested in her other children.

Thanks for bringing up this topic. On Mothers Day this has been rather cathartic. :)

So she's chosen two out of five children to pay attention to. How can that not be hurtful to the middle children? Still, whatever it is is something wrong with her. Perhaps it's easier for her to deal with people who aren't as close, the cousins, the stepsister, the baby. It sounds like she doesn't deal well with "real" emotions or discussions of them. Or maybe she really is just reclaiming her teenage years.

So, how do you cope? It's always going to hurt, but you can let it go. Make some rules. Example: Don't call until she's called you back unless you have something specific to say. Invite her (or dad, but including her) to all the events and don't expect her to come. If she shows up, welcome her, but don't exclaim over her being there. Just, "Hi! Nice to see you. Come on in. May I take your coat? What would you like to drink?" then ignore her until she talks to you. When she leaves, be polite, "Bye! Good to see you!" Speak if spoken to. Keep it light. If she makes a fuss, back off.

And next time there's an event, if she's a nice person, invite your stepsister's mother. And your aunt.

If your kids are past the cuddly stage, maybe get a small dog or some other pet that likes being petted. They can help relieve a lot of stress and give unconditional love. Let yourself get mad. And when you get mad, channel the energy into something useful like cleaning the house or dancing as if no one's watching. Let it all out.

Do something for yourself to shore up your support system and value yourself. If you can afford it, maybe a few hours every couple of weeks at a day spa. If not, maybe a weekly walk in the park or mall depending on the weather. Schedule a biweekly girls night out with your friends, or a standing date with your best friend for tea and sympathy. Take a class--online if you can't get away to real life one. Read a good book. Schedule date nights well in advance, and also get in some supplies so you can throw a date night together spur of the moment. Take your older relatives--the ones you like--out for lunch for some one on one time. Get a babysitting coop going with some friends if your kids are young so you can trade off and have those date nights.

Put your energy into being your best you. You're here. You have a lovely family all your own. Be your best for them and for yourself. Live well. Be well.

pillog, you're making a lot of "blow off steam" suggestions, doing any one of which might only serve to be a reminder to gwlake of the unsatisfactory relationship with her mother.

I think we all face "can't change this" situations and circumstances in our lives and have our own ways to deal with them. I don't think agonizing over them is healthy or advisable. When you accept the poo someone tries to throw at you or cover you with, you're letting them control the relationship. My longer living parent was into guilt, giving it and receiving it. It was frustrating for them to deal with me (I turned the tables) because I wouldn't play the game. It's like bullying, you can't be bullied unless you allow yourself to be a victim.

I cannot offer any suggestions or give any experiences that would help you. My parents died 34 days apart, and my 21st birthday was between their deaths. I will be 66 in three months, so I have lived much more of my life without my parents than with them. I have no children, as I was never able to carry a pregnancy to term.

Sometimes it is said that we become our parents as we age. I think the best one can do is deliberately break the chain if relationships were not happy, and for each of you who did not have a close or satisfying relationship with your own parents, try create frequent, loving relationships with your children and grandchildren, giving them the gift of what you never had.

My parents are both gone. They were divorced and my dad had another life. My mom loved the 4 of us in her own way. I can't remember her ever saying I love you but you felt it. She just didn't say the words. I have 2 sons of my own and several grand children. I hear or see one son who lives in our state almost daily. It drives me nuts. I hear from the other son about once a month. 3 of my grands live out of town. I did see 2 of my grand children on mothers day. They are lovely young adults. No cards were sent. I did receive a flowering plant from 2 of my grandchildren. That was fine with me. Like someone else said its a hallmark holiday.

Mary

I have to tell you, it could depend on the parent. I am who I am, treat them the same, but mom and I talk daily, and see each other at least once a week. She lives a county away. Dad lives in the same county, and we hardly talk at all. The last time we did his answer was "How should I know?". Not kidding at all.

He didn't want to see us growing up (my parents split when I was five, and he didn't even ask for any custody, or in their case any "visitation rights"), and I always thought he was just a quiet soul.... until he moved back here (he was in VA while we were in TN), and I saw just how much he interacted with his other kids. He tells me and my biological siblings how wonderful and spectacular the adopted kids' children are (ad nauseam!), never once complimenting our children! And our kids do just as many thing.

It could be the parent. But don't take it personally.

Thank you so much for all of thes responses. It has given me so much to think about.

It is funny because I am very aware....we are building a house and I know I have some desire to be "mommies" right now. This is a situation that has gone on for most of my life. There are times I am at peace with this. I actually did see a therapist about it after my oldest's 1st birthday. She said always keep it light with your mother. And to constantly praise everything she does. My mother loves to be told how amazing she is. The therapist also helped me realize no one can fill me up. Not a husband, not a mother, not children not friends. It's up to me to create happiness and to fulfill myself. My mother does have many talents.

I do think her age has so much to do with our situation. I also think her marriage to my Dad has a great deal to add to this. He loves to have her attention and his own family was never important to him.

My mother does send gifts for birthdays to my children and myself. She doesn't call to wish a happy birthday.

I have been extremely driven as a mother to do different for my own children. I was 28 when I had my first child. All of my children were planned.

Just an example of the weirdness..when we had after school activities my mother would not ever pick up my brother and I on time. She would pick us up on her schedule. Sometimes being 2 hours late. We were expected to do our homework and NEVER complain about it. She was a stay at home mother during this time. I can remember the principal coming out to leave and giving us quarters to call our Mother.

It was very evident that we were an inconvience to her Yet an extension of her Do not embarrass her, we needed to do the right thing. My brother and I were extremely great kids Never partied, no drugs, no sex and great grades.

My brother married a Japanese girl who is very nurturing and he is also very involved with his children.

As a mother, I get very panicked at the thought of being late for my children. Having them to school on time with lunch is a very important issue for me. As is being on time to get them. We do so many things as a family. Being a better mother is my drive in my life.

I am mature enough to realize she does indeed have different priorities than me. Just another note. I sent her a very expensive birthday present. I never heard from her. I called to ask if she received it. She said yes she called my younger sister to thank her. She said there was no card. There is no way my sister would have 1 thought to get this or 2 could afford this gift. My younger sister is the spitting image of her as a mother. She also treats her eldest daughter the same way as my mother treated me.

Family relationships are extremely interesting. I pray I will do better. Thank you for all the suggestions and comfort. I will nurture myself and nurture my family. And yes it is true. It has always been this way and it's immature of me to expect a change.

I watched my adult niece deal with an alienated mother for 15 years. It finally reached the breaking point last summer when my niece who had been seeing a therapist to help deal with these issues decided to sever the relationship. I spoke with her this weekend to wish her a Happy Mom's Day and she told me that she is at peace with her decision and that her home life is less stressful. My niece has 4 children and only lives 15 minutes from her mother. Yet her mother is totally focused on her other child and grandchildren who live several states away. It was a very painful situation.

The rejection you feel is sad and potentially harmful to your personal happiness. Have you thought of seeing a therapist who might help you deal with this? My niece found it beneficial.

It will hurt a lot less if you accept the fact that it is her loss not yours. Enjoy your family and move on.

gwlake, first I would like to state how sorry I am that your mother fails to see the value in YOU. Second, I would predict that things won't change. What can change, however, is the way you feel. I hope you can look at her as "damaged goods" and distance your feelings for self-preservation. Nothing wrong with you, and you have tried to mend the gap. There is some good information online about "narcissistic mothers" that may help you.

My parents are 81 and 83. I flew to BC last month to stay with them for a week. I wish I could go more often, but I only get so many vacation days a year. I do try to Skype with mom now and then, and we do talk on Facebook.

My children all live in the city here where I live. Only my youngest has a child. We see him a few times a week. I'm crazy in love with my grandson. He is the light of my life and I can't imagine not seeing him at least once a week. If my son and his girlfriend don't bring him here for a visit, we go to their place.

I'm huge on family. All of my relatives are in Europe. I didn't have that extended family that all my friends had growing up. I didn't have milk and cookies with my grandparents. I didn't play with my cousins. So I've made sure my kids have contact with their grandparents (they actually saw my parents who live 12 hours away more than their grandmother who lived 7 blocks away-her choice, not my kids- more), aunts, uncles and cousins as much as possible.

Oh, speaking of being hurt by parents: My son died on July 30th of 2013. My parents did not come to be with me or to go to his memorial service. But they did drive through the mountains to visit all their friends for a Dutch/Canadian re-union two weeks later. I was furious. They "surprised" us with their visit. I don't think I've ever been so hurt by them. When I needed them, they were not there for me. But they were there for their friends to have a party.

Parents hurt us. But we still love them.

I'm sorry that mothers have so much power to hurt us. I hope that you are able to reach a place where you are happy and content and can stop thinking about her so much.

As for mothers who ignore their daughters but dote on their sons, I expect they will be greatly disappointed when it comes time for them to be cared for when they are ill or very elderly. It's not always the case, but I have very rarely seen men cope well as a parent ages and needs their help. If there is a daughter around, even an estranged one, she is usually called on for care taking, guilted into it by the mother who ignored her. It's very unfair.

I am very sorry that your mother treats you this way. The only thing I can say is make the most out of your relationship with your children. And your aunt sounds reasonable, maybe take her into your life as a substitute.

You can't fix something that's beyond your control. Your posts indicate this has been going on your entire life. My suggestion is to keep in touch periodically, continue to invite her to events and let her attend whenever she can. Don't go out of your way to force the relationship; just let it be what it is. Personally, I wouldn't encourage her behavior by praising everything she does. You're feeding her in a negative manner. Stop trying to hard to have a closer/tighter/more meaningful relationship and let it be natural.

Focus your energies on you family and be the best mother you can be to your children. They need to learn from you and you need to make that a positive experience.

At this point in time you have to give up the hope that things could have or will be different. Remind yourself of that often and know that none of it was your doing. Rise over it as you don't want your children to see you as a victim. Acknowledge your pain and then go on in life to celebrate your own successes. You can't change how loved ones act or react but you can change your reaction to a neutral position, not caring to react as it's useless and seeing it as an action of your mother and not directly toward you but from her selfish point of view. Yes, she's selfish. Once you accept that and her as a flawed person (aren't we all in some little way or other) you'll let her actions roll off your back as you're like teflon now. You understand her flaw and it's not going to penetrate your armor. Once you shift your way of thinking you take away her ability to cause you pain. You understand her deficiencies and are thankful that you have the gift of life. I wish you well in your life and will say a prayer that you can lift this burden off yourself, forgive her and expect nothing. You can do it.

GWLake, Snidely characterized my suggestions as for "blowing off steam". That wasn't my intent. To clarify, what I meant was that it might help to channel your feelings when your mother is hurtful or you just miss the mothering you want, to doing something that will make you feel good about yourself. To allow yourself to get mad, but to use the anger productively so that you feel better in the end. Blowing off steam doesn't resolve anything. Exercising, cleaning up the house, getting one's nails done, etc., done with the vigor that comes from letting the negative energy out, allows you to disperse it and use what's left to create your own mother energy for yourself. No one else can make you happy. You can make yourself happy, however, if you work at it.

Maybe they can't make me happy, and maybe I allow my dad (according to snidely) to make me feel bad, but that doesn't mean it doesn't really hurt. I hear you gwlake. It's just not fair to be nice only to be hurt by someone who should be caring for you, nurturing you, and who should be on your side (even when no one else is!!!). That's the biggest kind of hurt there is. I don't think you should suck it up. Just in case I came across that way. You don't deserve the anger/disappointment/hurt, whatever you feel that she causes. She knows how to behave (she can with others), but doesn't. And for me, but he doesn't. You deserve better.

There *are* mothers who don't love their children, & one very special type is known as the very worst thing that can happen to a daughter, especially an oldest daughter.

Google "narcissistic personality disorder" & see if it sounds like you're reading about anybody you know.

I suspect that your therapist suggested complimenting your mother because she/he concluded that your mother is narcissist. I feel that it is really difficult to give up on a relationship that this so important, but as others have mentioned, your mother is not going to change at this point. Two possible choices are: 1) give up on a relationship with her altogether or 2) drastically lower your expectations. Maya Angelou's quote "When someone shows you who they are are, believe them, the first time." applies here.
Unfortunately, I know of what I speak.
I'm really sorry. You got cheated in the Mom department. I think you can find some solace in changing the pattern for your own kids. It will never be fair, it will never be right, but you can make sure it doesn't happen for the next generation.

Often it is very difficult in any relationship when one person wants more than the other. To answer your first question, my mother is very good about being present in her grand-children's lives. She goes above and beyond for sure. While we have a decent relationship, there have been many times there has been tension between us because if she had her way, she'd be visiting 24-7. With that said, I do appreciate all both my parents do, even if sometimes that kindness has enabled some of my siblings.
My father's mother is very much like your mother. She is not a good mother or grandmother. I never had that loving relationship with her. I can remember at 19 going to visit her for a weekend when I was off from University. I had to be the one to hug her goodbye. Some of my aunts aren't speaking to her at the moment because in the last few years she's blown off her family. My own father though has always put her on a pedestal and feels this need to still try to "please". Some people just don't know how to be nurturing. By the way my grandmother was 16 when she had my uncle and then had several more children all within a few years so I do think part of it was a lack of maturity and perhaps resentment.

We have no relationship at all with my husbands mother and step father. His father got angry with me one day about 12 years ago because I chose to stand up for my husband (how dare I not let him berate someone who I love). He held a grudge ever since and despite us trying 2 separate times years apart to make a relationship work, we always had to be the one to travel to visit, make the phone calls etc. So husband's mother hasn't even seen our kids since the youngest was quite young. It's sad really. By the way, she was also young when she had my husband. I think she had just turned 17. I'm not saying that all young mothers are neglectful, just that I think while many young women mature when they have kids, some stay mentally stuck at that adolescent age.

You are definitely not alone in your family issues. So many people have some sort of family drama. You are the one that has to choose if it's worth it to you to fight for it or not. Sometimes you have to put your own mental health on top of the list and walk away or step back a little.

This sounds to me as though there is something else going on with your mother, but that it has absolutely nothing to do with you *as a person*. She avoids you because of something you 'represent' to her -- probably something around her shame and anger about her teen pregnancy. She has evidently never come to terms with it or accepted it, and she avoids thinking about it by avoiding you. There may be other factors around this that you would never guess in a hundred years.

My DH could never please his mother. He was past 40 before all the pieces fell into place. shortly before her death in her eighties. DH learned he had been adopted as an infant by this late-to-marry couple, both well past forty -- over her strong objections. IMO his father was seeking a reprise of his own life via 'a son'. However, he died when DH was 10, leaving a will halving his widow's inheritance if she told DH he was adopted or remarried before DH was 18. (By which time she was old and crippled by RA.)

There were other 'shameful' details around this couple's marriage, in case these were not enough toxic secrets! None of them had anything to do with my DH *as a person*.

Sometimes I think DH only came into his own once the secrets were out. It didn't hurt that she was dead within a few months, but not before he was able to *confront* her.

I did Google mothers who are narrcistic. Wow!! I can see very many similarities. Especially the rage and everyone thinking how amazing she is. I do not think my mother is a liar. However, she is the master at turning things around on you. This article really hit home. Especially the part. No matter what happened the other person was right and you were wrong or did something or need to change your thinking.

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers/

Yes, I have been my mother's scapegoat. This past summer, we all went on a family vacation. It was my last night there. She blew up at me because the kitchen wasn't clean. I had been packing my stuff, I was without my husband and had to get beach toys, towels and all the crap together. At any rate my children and I had not been there to dirty the kitchen. My brothers wife has made a snack, but when I walked down the stairs my mother screamed and hollered at me. I just turned around and went back upstairs.

Anyway I see many things in this article.

I appreciate all the help. I am so sorry to know so many of you have experienced similar things. I could not imagine a grandmother not coming to the memorial. That is extremely mean.

I also understand the comments about channeling my emotions. I agree it is best not to stew on these emotions. But to concentrate on productive matters.