Well, my FDH is not his son's BF either, and ISN'T on the birth certificate (he met BM a few weeks after A__ was born) but he doesn't feel like he's not A__'s dad...

But, FDH has casually dated girls who have said things along the lines of "Well, after we get serious and have kids, you won't need A__ anymore" or "Why did you keep a kid who wasn't yours? Were you still in love with your ex?" or "That's stupid"... So BM's attitude, which seems awful to you and I, is NOT uncommon. It's still a terrible attitude to have, but I was surprised how many early-dating horror stories FDH has of awful women who couldn't accept someone else's child in his life.

If the test comes back that he's not her BF, I think he will still be required/allowed to "be her dad" because he is still on the birth certificate - especially since he knew before the birth that she was not likely his BC.
But, legally, he might be able to "sign-away" his parental rights if the pat test is negative, at which point he'd obviously lose parental rights.

I know that doesn't help much for the legal stuff... But I just wanted to share our experience with a child that isn't the BC of its dad.

My understanding is that in some states there is a time limit on contesting paternity. Even though DNA may be conclusive the theory is that the father allowed the child to depend on him being a father, and is stuck with it. I dont think is fair for the years when DNA first was available, but it has been out for so long now, I think it is fair to tell dads, listen you could have had the child tested years ago. Also, the longer the nominal dad waits, the harder it may be for the mom to trakc down the real dad.

PS my DD doesnt look like either of her parents. I know she is.

In CA, there was a temporary law that allowed to go back and change the 'legal' dad if he was declared the legal dad by default. In CA, if the parents are married & living as husband & wife at the time the child is born, husband is the legal father, regardless of paternity tests.

When I had my second son in 1989, I made the mistake of putting the name of my daughter's father on her birth certificate. (Short version of the long story is: His dad & I broke up before I found out I was pregnant. When I was several months along, my daughter's father said he wanted to marry me, take care of me & baby, etc. A few months later, being a parent was too much for him & he split, leaving me pregnant with my daughter) I tried to go back against the real dad when my son was 2 but my daughter's father had ignored a summons & had been declared the dad by default. Then, when my son was 15, CA passed a new law to allow guys to request a DNA test & throw out wrong 'default' judgments. I filed to get my wrong default judgment thrown out and the only reason I was allowed to do so is, my daughter's father left me when my son was still a baby. He never supported him, he never visited him and he never established a relationship with him. If he had, KKNY is right... the court would probably have decided it's in the child's best interest to leave it alone. The court in my case against the real dad, told him that he knew since our son was 2 that I claimed he was the real dad (he knew before that but the first legal notice was when my son was 2) & he could have asked for DNA back then. He could have had a relationship with my son if he had found out then. But, he used the default judgment to avoid his obligation all those years.

Beside the legal aspect of the situation, the emotional damage it would do to the child would be devastating. How could this guy have a child with someone that felt that way about the child he sees as his? I don't understand that. Hopefully, the court will refuse to order a paternity test. The sad part to me is that it probably won't stop there. She probably treats this child different if she doesn't come right out and tell her he's not her father. He really needs to stand up for his relationship with his daughter. Otherwise, he'll either subject his daughter to being treated like that or another break up. What a mess!!!

"PS my DD doesnt look like either of her parents. I know she is."

KKNY, I wasn't saying that is the only evidence. The fact that she looks nothing like her dad is only a small piece of the puzzle--really, it's more like evidence backing up what is already pretty much known.

Her mom got pregnant when her parents were separated. According to BOTH of them, they both knew there was not a possibility that R was her bio-dad.

The fact that she looks nothing like him only seems to cement what R is already *certain* of.

"she gets really irritated that he pays child support and they put up with drama from the ex, all for a child that isn't his--so she says. :(

I know they have had some knock-down fights about it and BM gets mad and then apparently last year, her hubby told her to never mention that again, that this IS his daughter, bio or not, and he doesn't want to hear it."

so she's eager to destroy a little girl's life to have more money available for herself...

Money or no money, this isn't any of her business;
she knew about the daughter when she met & married the father.

She needs to shut up & butt out, & if she won't do it voluntarily, he needs to sit her down, hold both of her hands, look her in the eyes, & firmly say something like,
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you this, & you aren't going to bring it up again.

You aren't going to destroy my relationship with my daughter,
you aren't going to use DNA to keep me from supporting her,
you aren't going to harass me about it ever again,
& you aren't going to mistreat her or be snide to her or give her a single dirty look.

This conversation is over."

my mother was conceived during my grandmother's and grandfather's marriage however her biological father is not my grandpa (too complicated of a story). My mom looks nothing like anybody. But so what? It does not make my grandfather any less her father. Why would any decent human being want to subject their children to DNA and finding stuff out. And how dare anybody destroy anyone's life just because they don't want to pay CS. How mean and ugly can some people be.

"Why would any decent human being want to subject their children to DNA and finding stuff out. And how dare anybody destroy anyone's life just because they don't want to pay CS. How mean and ugly can some people be"

That is what sickens me about it, too. This little girl is 11 years old, in 5th grade, and she is old enough to know what goes on around her.

So ALL this sh*t is going to hit the fan--with the paternity test, and court drama---and you better believe, at 11 years old, her mom and R aren't going to be able to protect her from it. She will know exactly what's going on and SHE is the one that will suffer. :( How awful. I can imagine her mother telling her that her dad doesn't want to be her dad, that he's trying to not be her dad, and who knows what else. All over $300 a month. DISGUSTING.

This is going to be so devastating to this poor little girl and I think it's really appalling.

What irks me is that BM (as in my SS's mom, not this little girl's mom) is complaining that they don't have the money to pay this child support....WELL...she and R were the ones that had ANOTHER baby...BM doesn't work and HAS NOT worked for pretty much 6 years, save for a month here or a month there. Her own aunt, who owns a health-care company, fired her once--but recently gave her a SECOND CHANCE and asked if she wanted to do med. coding part-time--flexible schedule.

She said NO. R's mother offered to watch the baby a couple days a week for BM to at least work 15 hrs or so and BM still said NO, she doesn't want to do it. (rolling my eyes.)

These are exactly the woman I can't stand - those that come into a relationship knowing there is a kid and then complain that kid makes it too expensive for dad to have another.
THEN GO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO MAKE BABIES WITH!

She is a shining example of how SM's get a bad rap. I second what Sylvia said about the talk, but then I think someone should hit her with the lamp afterward. I volunteer . . .

"How awful. I can imagine her mother telling her that her dad doesn't want to be her dad, that he's trying to not be her dad, and who knows what else. All over $300 a month. DISGUSTING."

I agree - bad stepmom.

But I also have to say that I would do almost anything to spare my child from the turmoil this is certainly going to cause - including relinquishing the $300 a month child support. It's not fair but I'd do it for my child...

"Any ideas what the court would legally do?"

It depends on the state, I believe. A friend of mine recently went through a divorce. He has two children with his now ex. After the second one was born he learned his wife had been cheating on him on and off for a long time (he found out she was cheating when he got a VD). It is possible the youngest child is not his. In fact, the youngest doesn't look like him, but does resemble the other guy (so I've been told by someone else). But it's not a clear cut thing since the other guy and the BM are the same ethnicity, so it's possible the child actually resembles the mother. Anyway...he was told by 2 lawyers to "speak now or forever hold your peace". If he wanted to contest paternity he had to do it before the award of child support (being done as part of the divorce). He consulted a doctor about the test but never followed through. He decided the child is "his" either way, and he just didn't want to know. He pays almost $3k in child support per month, so there was a lot at stake.

I think the little girl's situation is complicated. What if the situation was that she was conceived using a sperm donor, so her "dad" was not her biological father? I think most people believe children conceived using alternative methods (sperm donation, egg donation, even adoption) have a right to know. Doesn't this girl have a right to know who her bio father is? What if she found out some other way, wouldn't that be devastating?

For example, my mother was blood type O and dad is type A. Let's say I took high school science and then went to donate blood and learned I had blood type B...I'd know know one of my parents (most likely the father, let's face it) was not in fact my bio parent. I was actually at a party where people were talking about blood types and someone figured out something hinky was going on in their family. Everyone shut up real quick.

SD13 and SS11 look NOTHING like my DH. SS9 is cut straight out of my DH's butt. Identical. The sad part is that BM cheated on my DH numerous times throughout their marriage. He caught her no less than 5 times. Don't know why he stayed but that's none of my business. Anyway, SD13 and SS11 DO look like BM...and there is that chance that they are not biologically DH's given BM's promiscuity...but that does not make them any less his. DH was actually scared to death during that divorce and custody battle that BM was going to use the "they aren't really yours" argument. Knowing BM's past and the possibility that they aren't "technically" my DH's makes no difference to me. He has been there since the day they were born...He will always be there...and I will always stand by him in his fight to keep them in DH's sole custody. I can't even imagine what it would do to the kids OR DH to find out after 13 years that he isn't their "real" Dad. I don't even want to THINK about it all.

lovehadley, I hope that BM in your situation feels like Hell. Sadly, she probably does not.

Blood type isn't always a cast-iron indicator. With people who are chimeras, they can have two different types of DNA depending on where the sample is taken from. There was a court case not all that long ago where a mother was accused of not being the mother of her children, because their blood type was not compatible with hers or their fathers'. Eventually her third child (?) who was born with official witnesses and immediately tested, had the same blood type. The mother herself had one blood type but her eggs were "programmed" to produce children of a different blood type.

I stand corrected (I think, what the heck is a chimera? lol). But I guess my primary point is that secrets don't always stay secrets. Isn't this girl entitled to know the truth just like any adopted or artifically conceived child?

Chimeras are very very uncommon, and if suspected, can be tested for. They are certain individuals, who have two DNA types. They may come from where fraternal twins are conceived, and one dies in the womb.

Yes, she is crap because she is encouraging him to do all of this but I still (and always will) lay a whole heck of a lot more blame on the parent that allows this to happen. He is an even bigger piece of crap for doing this he has established himself as her dad (even if it turns out that he isnt 'blood') and for a hot minute stood up for this relationship and now he is letting someone else determine his relationship with his daughter and putting a grown adult (who knew what she was walking into) opinion's and feelings above that of a little girl. What a sorry pair!

How sad for this girl! I have a feeling that she will eventually hear the rumor that "dad" may not be her dad. Secrets like this have a way of sneaking out.....especially in this case with a stepmom who wishes the child was not in the picture!

I was thinking about the question of whether the girl is entitled to know about her biological background, like an adopted child or one who is artificially conceived.

Maybe she is... but this isn't the way she should have to find out and I don't think it's the right time, either. Requesting a paternity test for an older child sends a pretty powerful message-- it says, "I don't want you." And it says it at an age where the child is old enough to know what's going on and can hear that message loud and clear. Even if the man turns out to be the father (though that sounds unlikely in this case), the damage is still done.

If his wife had any decency, she would not be pushing for this. And if he had any decency, he would not go along with it. If they're falling short in their budget, they need to cut their expenses or one of them needs to find a way to earn the money. Particularly when the child support is $300 a month, for heaven's sake. That's less than 2 hours a day at the federal minimum wage.

Again, both the "father" and the stepmom are horrible people but there is another adult in this situation - the mother. If the whole issue boils down to paying the lousy $300 a month then why doesn't the mother say "hey, if the $300 is going to cause all this chaos and hurt for my child then don't pay it but please stay in the child's life because I'd rather give up the $ than be an accomplice to my child's pain."

lonepiper, that would be very NOBLE of the mother. But, have you considered that IF that worked... how many fathers that don't want to pay, would play 'emotional blackmail' with their children's mothers. All they need to do is convince the mom that they will emotionally harm the child if she doesn't back off.

Of course loving parents would rather give up $ than see their kids suffer, but bowing down to a father that threatens to hurt a child is a dangerous precedent to set. and SHE can't give up child support, she has no right to. Child support is the CHILD's right. The only way a court MIGHT vacate his obligation, is if he does prove he is not the biological father... however, the court may also hold him as the father simply because he's been a part of her life so long. There's no reason for the child to be told of court proceedings... it will be public record & she would have access when she is an adult, but there is no reason for her mother to discuss this with the child until it's resolved and then only really needs to discuss it if the father stops seeing the child. The child would obviously want to know why and truthfully, the mother created the situation.

I agree the father has held himself out as this child's father and should not be allowed to bow out now, but if the court allows it, then it is the mother's place to explain her actions to her child.