Can a full-time stepmom disengage?
lonepiper
16 years ago
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sweeby
16 years agocawfecup
16 years agoRelated Discussions
can mom and stepmom ever get along!?
Comments (29)Dear BioMom, if you think that sending $57 dollars a month, phoning twice a week, sending occasional care packages and contacting the teachers from time to time means parenting an 11 years old and if you really think that $ 300 a month for a child are too much because "I spend that much on my family of 4 people in the house now and that includes diapers and baby wipes! And we dont buy clothing every single month for our children, clothes in our house last a while!" (clothes on 11 year old last a season, maybe, boys at that age outgrow pants, shoes every 3-6 months) and you really believe that "I mean only the rich can spend that kind of money on One child! Dad has to keep a roof over his and his new wifes and two childrens heads anyways, just because Im not his wife anymore shouldnt mean i have to help pay his rent, food and extra's,should it? and what else is there to spend on children, I mean come on ..I pay 50% of all his medical, sports, toys, personal hygene stuff,I buy schoold supply stuff, etc."(out of the $ 57 you send every month ?).......you really live in fairyland and frankly I am not surprised that when after you chose to relinquish the custody of your child, the judge decided not once but thrice to leave your son in what is clearly a loving and stable household and not to subject him to further disruption just because you have put in your mind that now, after remarrying, moving to another state etc..you can now stand up to your parenting role.. And I think the stpmom rightly resents the fact that while she's doing the REAL job of parenting, you still feel entitled to special consideration because you are the biological mother. Well in the real world it is not so: if you up and leave a 5 year old child and somebody else I raises him (everyday, not twice a week by the phone and during the summer vacation), she justly feel she has more rights than you. You write: "I only had one child with this man, what was I supposed to stay unmarried, have no more children and spend the rest of my life, staying close to this man making sure I help with all his bills?", you know that's exactly what the "wicked, cruel, bitter, full of hatred" stepmom did find in her heart to do, staying close to this man, helping him to pay his bills and raising his son, she did exactly what you could not find in your heart to do. Nobody forced you to eave your child. You chose, and everybody, your child, his father and the stepmom had to learn and to adapt to your choice. It is abot time you do it too. And let me tell about money, this woman has put her actions (and her money or her family's money, that she could otherwise spend) where her heart is, toward your son, while you evidently have chosen to do otherwise, till now. And the idea that as this biomom has now her own children so she should just "let you have yours" is completely wrong, children are not property of the parents to leave or take back on a whim but members of the family, to be cared and respected. If you really want to rebuild your relationship with the your son's father and stepmom, you should start to behave like a responsible, dependable person, financially too so they could start to trust you instead of just criticizing and belittle them and the good job they are doing while you are otherwise occupied....See MoreSuccessful Disengaging
Comments (2)I believe in the principle of NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION: if I have to do the work, I have the right to decide about it, otherwise I can not be held responsible for it. This is true in any relationship, public, professional, private or parental. I nipped in the bud the chores'problems because I simply prevented it, having seen a number of stepmothers having to juggle two full time jobs, without any thanks for it. When my SS came to living with us, given my husband'schedule,I did know I was at risk to became the enforcer of the rules so I sit dow with my husband and said: I work and you work, and a third person in the household (especially if he's a teenager) means more housework to do. My time is worthy just like yours, so let's discuss how to distribute this additional load.If your son has to help with the housework, you will be responsible for enforcing this rule, if you prefer to have him concentrating on his studies, you can pay after your pocket for a maid coming and doing this additional work. My husband as he's out all the day and did not want to being constantly on the phone checking on hs son, decided to pay somebody else to do the jobs his son is not doing. So a maid is coming twice a week and does all the "heavy jobs", floors, vacuming, deep cleaning the bathrooms and the such, better done when nobody is home, and I do only the everyday little jobs, while my husband and my SS are responsible for household and food shopping: my husband for the big week groceries, he has the car, and my SS for the milk etc..He tried to "forget" about it but he found himself without milk for HIS breakfast next morning and he has never forgotten since! (i had breakfast in a cafthat day !) By the way, I do only the "general" housecleeaning: the common areas, or bedrooms, our pets, the garden etc..my SS and my husband are responsible for my stepson room (the first two monts they "forgot" to cleaning it, I "resisted" and in the end they had to paid the maid for 4 additional hours! out of my husband and SS pockets! from then on the room receives regular maintenance) and SS laundry, trasportation: I try always to be kind and helpful in a pinch but I did take care to not get responsible for anything as I work too. About general cluttering, "forgotten" items, I take note (with a bit of practice you develop a kind of selective blindness) just of items belonging to to my husband or to me, everything else is left to lie where it fall or if it is in a common area (kitchen, living room entrance) is swept in conveniently placed box (I purchase three square wicker basket that double as additional sits) or left it at the mercy of the dogs: after the first costly sneaker got chewed (and my husband spending a Saturday afternoon shopping for a new pair) things got differents in a hurry. In other words: put your stepson in the BEST condition to fend for himself, notify your husband that you have done your job and that's it, the results are THEIR responsability.If he has to take a medication at a certain hour and he forgets about him, purchase him a 6 dollars' little pill box with an alarm, and ask your husband to put the pill in it and leave it on your SS bedstand, then the next morning, if your SS decides to not to take it, is his choice, and he will have to discuss it with your husband. If you and your husband decide to not go the maid's way, and your SS is to be assigned chores, make theses chores directly related to HIS and your husband's quality of life (cleaning his room, separating, doing and collecting his and your husband laundry, preparing his bag and his breakfast for next morning, cleaning the garage or your husband study etc..) so THEY will bear the consequencesof their (in)actions. This I think is the key: growing up is having to live with the consequences of what you chose to do or not to do. This is true for for your SS but also for your husband. If you can be really consistent (and I know it is hard) it really works and it will not only help your SS to develop skills that will be useful for the rest of your life but make your husband to realize the kind of job is parenting instead of delegating it to you....See MoreHELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
Comments (31)Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family....See Morei don't want to be the evil stepmom
Comments (57)I understand your situation so well. My boyfriend is ultra touchy about his 5 year old too so I know what it feels like to be in a no win situation. And I've often felt like an intrusion myself. My boyfriend can shout very ugly insults to me as well when it comes to his child. I also understand your disappointment about possibly not having children with your husband. I never considered myself maternal, but I fell so madly for my boyfriend that I actually thought one day it would be great to have a child of our own, but that possbility is very small. He's crazy about his son, but his arrival was not planned and I don't think my boyfriend wants to do it again. There are so many negatives to staying in a situation like that for me that I'm considering cutting my loses as hard as it will be. For you, since you are married and in way deeper than I am (at least legally), I would try counselling. Dealing with three children that are not your own, I can only imagine how overwhelming that is. If your husband won't go with you, then go for yourself. But try to do it with your husband because sometimes people are so clouded by what means so much to them (your husband's children) that they can't see what they're doing until a 3rd party points it out. I know it easier said than done because my boyfriend flat out told me he won't do counselling. It really broke my heart. He's extremely cold at times and it's sad. But even if your husband won't go, you still probably need to go for your own sanity....See Morekkny
16 years agokkny
16 years agolonepiper
16 years agosieryn
16 years agokkny
16 years agokkny
16 years agolonepiper
16 years ago
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lonepiperOriginal Author