adult stepchildren manipulating
16 years ago
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- 16 years ago
- 16 years ago
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Adult Stepchildren
Comments (9)We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with. The SD cant stand that fact and has used it as a reason to not come to our house. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. She has used that to say that we have chosen our dogs over the safety of their children because I refuse to part ways with my dogs. We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough - they have insisted we get them new homes! for someone that may have come to visit 3 times a year, it was not a reasonable request. If they lived with me and my dogs were causing health concerns, it would be totally different. This battle has gone on for 1 1/2 year and now we dont do any holiday or family get togethers at our house at all - so imagine me hauling food and presents for 20+ people over to someone elses house to accomdate Christmas. I don't have any thoughts or advice about the rest of the post, but I do have thoughts/advice about this part. I have asthma myself and I know many people with asthma. It's very possible you may be underestimating the seriousness of this issue for your husband's grandchildren. Your stepdaughter is not handling this the way I would, if I were in her shoes (at least that's what I think). If I were your stepdaughter, I would not insist or even ask that you get rid of the dogs. But I would not be visiting your home, probably ever, if it caused my children to have asthma attacks. Even if the attacks were just sometimes. I would kindly and pleasantly let you know that was the issue, then it would be up to you and your husband to decide whether to keep the dogs or not. I would not be attending family/holiday get-togethers at your home, and I would very much expect that you and your husband would be not only willing but also understanding enough to haul your presents and food to someone else's home without complaint in order to prevent my children from having an asthma attack. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. Exactly. They have asthma attacks from dogs (sometimes) but also from other things. Asthma is probably a constant battle for them. There are so many places their children have to go that cause problems for them, why would you insist that they come to your home when you could visit them instead? We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough No, putting the dogs outside is not good enough. Please, please for the sake of your relationship with your husband and his family, educate yourself about asthma. Here is some information about pet dander and asthma from the web site about.com: In fact, it is dander or the proteins in skin flakes, urine, feces, saliva and hair that trigger your asthma symptoms. Removing your pet from the home and avoiding contact with the pet is the most effective way to decrease exposure to animal dander. A "trial removal" is not recommended as it may take as many as 20 weeks following removal for allergen levels to fall to levels similar to those of homes without pets. If you do remove the pet from the home, make sure you thoroughly clean all bedding products, floors, carpets and other surfaces where dander may collect. If pet removal is going to produce depression, crying and gnashing of teeth for you or your child, making the pet an "outside only" animal is a partial solution, but will not fully decrease your exposure to animal dander If you and your husband insist on keeping the dogs and that your grandchildren visit you, then you probably ARE choosing the dogs over your husband's grandchildren's safety. . We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with It's very possible your husband didn't know himself what a huge issue this would be. Many, many people, like yourself, think simply putting the dogs outside is good enough. However, now you both know that it is a problem, and it's up to the two of you to decide how to deal with this problem. I don't think your stepdaughter should insist that you give up the dogs. However, if you were my stepmother I would be very, very, very, very, very angry if I had told you what a problem this causes and you continued to dismiss it. Very angry. Really, really, really angry. I'd be angry and I certainly, absolutely would think you were not the life's companion for my father I hoped he'd have. I just want him to stand up to his ASD and tell her that I am here to stay, deal with it, accept it, and quit being so petty over stuff. Your husband's grandchildren have asthma that is sometimes triggered by pet dander. They are his grandchildren, they SHOULD be there to stay, you should deal with it and accept it and do what you can to minimize the impact of your pets on your grandchildren's health. I can certainly understand why you'd rather have your beloved pets with you every day rather than get rid of them over someone who only visits 3 times a year. However, you are minimizing and dismissing valid health concerns your step daughter has. As her children's mother, it's her responsibility to advocate for their health in a situation like yours. She is not being petty, she is being a responsible mother. I hope this helps you to see the other side of the issue. I hope you and your husband can find some resolution to this issue. The only other thing I would add is that sometimes certain things will cause problems for me and other times those same things won't. It's not like cat dander (one of the things I'm allergic to) will always cause problems for me. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But if my threshold is low (and I don't always know when that will be), then cat dander causes a problem for me, ranging in severity. So please don't be dismissive of the issue if your husband's grandchildren don't always have asthma attacks due to the dogs. Even if the problem is intermittent, it's still an issue. That's not your stepdaughter being petty, it's the reality of her children's life. She MUST deal with that on behalf of her children, she has no choice. But YOU do have a choice. Good luck whatever you decide....See MoreSetting limits on gifts for adult step-children
Comments (27)I am probably going to get a boo or hiss but I am not sure why a sane ex-wife couldn't attend her ex-husbands funeral. Remember at one time there was enough love to marry and create a family. I think there may be much more to the Kasem story then we are privy to. I am sure I am not the only one who is on both sides of the wife thing. Now that my children are adults and my ex's SK's are adults finances are really getting diverted. At least with child support my kids were getting some thing. My ex is the main bread winner in his home. She stopped working as soon as she could. My children raised by me are very independent and financially secure. Her children are not. They are now "helping" hers out. I know if my ex dies before her my children will not see a Penny. Do not get me wrong, I expect her to live off their accumulated funds but I suspect my kids will be out of the will and all the money go to her children. I fortunately, do not have any of those issues with my SK. It was not so years ago though. The issue was not with SK but mom not having enough money and backing out of things all the time. I for one love that my SK is an adult and I love the time we spend together. Once a parent though always a parent and there will always be reasons for interaction....See MoreIf I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
Comments (16)Hi Dana, I had to work yesterday, so didn't have time to reply to your first response. First, it's important to understand that my stepmother is mentally ill. Her illness, which I believe to be a combination of borderline personality disorder and paranoid personality disorder, makes her a very difficult person to deal with. The only reservation we ever had was that she was already married when she met my father, and then pushed my dad to get married right away. We were concerned things were going too fast. She was antagonistic to my youngest sister right off, mostly because that is the sister who is very much like mom. I later found out that my SM started watching the family videotapes almost immediately after moving into Dad's house. She didn't watch them with anyone else, but by herself. We found out because a family acquaintance came over to the house unexpectedly and discovered her doing that. My stepmother's response? "I want to see what's so great about this other woman." Still, I do believe she feels threatened by us, although we've never threatened their marriage. According to my dad, he started regretting his hasty decision to marry within a month or two of their wedding. She decided the only reason he could have come to that decision was because we were urging him to dump her. I would NEVER presume to do that. I don't offer marital advice to anyone and could not imagine intruding in my dad's marriage in that way. All of my sisters feel the same. (Side note: One sister tells me that's the reason she confides in me about fights she and her husband have had ... because I always point out his good qualities and the things she loves about him, rather than take her side and bash him.) My dad says it's only been in the past year that he has realized how much she's lied about. We've been accused of saying and doing things that never happened. Turns out, she was telling dad that we were calling when he was gone and cursing her out. She also told him that his brother borrowed $1,000 from her and never paid her back. Untrue. For a while, I've wondered if she knows the difference between fact and fiction. My sense is that she makes up those incidents, knowing at the time that they're fictional, but after she's told the story a couple of times, the event becomes real to her. As for apologizing, I have done so, over and over again. Dad says she absolutely will not forgive -- that once she feels someone has wronged her, she hates that person forever. He also says she will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong....See MoreStepchildren's mother a 'professional' manipulator!
Comments (22)After reading the new answers to my question, I can see how it can come off that I am obsessed with the BM. Actually, I posted that post on a day when I was very fed up with a whole bunch of things. Things said and done that seemed to keep pointing back to the point-of-origin being the BM. Basically, I agree with some of the things you all have posted and some are rather off base. It is a matter of me 'picking the meat and leaving the bones' in your posts. I do thank you all for your input. It has given me food for thought. As I see it right now, I am at a place (due to NEW things that have happened) where I have to decide if I am going to be a part of my Step-childrens lives. We know for a FACT that their BM is behind the scenes manipulating things, and we can only hope and pray that the children will come to realize this. Our decision is how to deal with it - we can't control them or the BM, so we have to decide what WE will do. What boundaries to set, and how far to go. Thanks for your input. Seeker...See More- 16 years ago
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