adult stepchildren manipulating
ann1960
15 years ago
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serenity_now_2007
15 years agosylviatexas1
15 years agoRelated Discussions
Upsetting situation with adult stepchildren
Comments (9)Why would you plan social events after working two 15hr shifts? Why not leave the get-togethers for times when you are up to socializing? By over extending yourself, you may have sent the 'message' (without meaning to) that you're not interested and/or flat out dislike family events. While you're dead tired and in dire need of personal relaxing, they're seeing a lady who is half a sleep in the chair and one that seemed bothered and antisocial towards what should be a fun event. These ladies are adults. They have homes of their own. They can invite Dad and you over occassionally and host events (they do the work) and you have the option of accepting invite or declining due to heavy work schedule. When you do the inviting and hosting, plan it on weekends that actually will be relaxing and enjoyable to you. I actually think a different home is a reasonable suggestion by your partner. The ladies childhood home? The oldest is 30. These ladies naturally view you as the outsider in this long held house. If partner is finacially able to sell his home and desires to set up a new environment, let him. New house, new start. Partner and you are planning on beginning a future as man and wife...do you really want to start it in a house where you're the outsider. Go house hunting. Let husband gather up the items in his present home that he no longer needs and/or the two of you plan on using. Give the items of personal maaning to the ladies and sell the rest. New home, new beginnings. Leave the sentimental strings behind you. 'The Meeting' was a bad idea. Too confrontational. And remember, respect goes two ways. These are not children, they're adults. They desire as much respect as adult children of your partner and you do the respect due you as partner's new mate. Don't blame them their father took so many phone calls his business suffered. He's an adult. He can pick up the phone once and announce 'not a good time'. Instead he chose to take all the calls...don't excuse his role in the issue. At 40 I'm going to assume you have held your own home until recently when you moved in with your partner. Do you still own it? You might consider spending time in your past home while your partner makes some serious decisions. Not a choice of 'you or them', but a workable solution as to how to blend all his ladies into his life. He needs to sit his daughters down and they (Dad/daughters) are the ones who should have been having that 'meeting'. He needs to come to an understanding with his daughters. He does not need their permission to select a partner. He does not need to be available to them 24/7 (he and they are all adults now). He loves them and he loves you...nothing you do is going to change his love for them and nothing they do (hissy fits and turning in keys) is going to change his love for you. And yes, my mother had a SO for 22yrs. She never married him, kept all assests and financials apart, and she kept her own home. She never gave up her house and basically spent time in both houses. My mother's SO's daughter went out of her way to be controling and a grown up spoiled hateful brat. My mother chose not to be controled by this daughter, nor to let this daughter control mom's relationship with SO....See MoreAdult Stepchild Manipulating?
Comments (9)Frankly, I think the "Blame the Step" game is the rule rather than the exception. If Daddy does something that makes us angry, it must be StepMom's fault! If Mommy lets us down, it's because StepDad made her! If your spouse annoys you, it's because of their selfish, spoiled kids. And most often, those kids are only spoiled and selfish because of the Ex. That kind of emotional knee-jerk is just easier to deal with than the complex concept that our loved ones aren't perfect. It's immature thinking -- but it happens. All the time. (Meaning often, not without exception.) There's not a whole lot you can do about it except not take it personally and know that it's just your role as a StepParent that's being blamed. If the situation comes up where you're confronted with a ridiculous accusation, I'd just agree and add that you're also the one who single-handedly caused global warming, who put the hole in the ozone layer, and who started the war in Iraq. Gas prices are your fault; you raised taxes, and you made sure Johnny couldn't read. Then smile graciously, throw in a hug or kiss if at all possible, and either change the subject or walk away....See MoreRelationship with Adult Stepchildren
Comments (43)I encourage my DH to spend times alone with his kids. I've been brought up to realize that not everyone should be included. Like my own son. I love him but i dont want him stuck to my hip! I like my alone time and i like time with my husband. Other times i just want time with the gals. So i think on that end i would agree with some posters that your Dh should spend time with his girls. What i do also understand is why your Dh wont cause it makes him uncomfortable with her physically touching him like that. This is not normal and rubbing and flopping in her daddy's lap at her age is cause for concern. So your DH refuses the ' date' because he sees it as an encouragement for thsi odd behaviour and i agree with him to refuse. But he should refuse explaining exactly why because of his discomfort not because you are excluded. ANd i do not like the way your SD blunted said you are exclude. Because she obviously has issues with you and she could have used different words such as ' Dad ,i'ld like some time alone just the two of us ifyou dont mind. And maybe another time we can all go out but i need some one on one advice and time from you as my father. ' And yes, my husband is exactly like yours most of the time. He is aloof with his own brothers and sisters. Which i'm not used because i'm close with my family and do not mind if they drop by. He does. He likes his alone time with me only.WHich drives me nuts cause i do not like anyone stuck to my hip. I think balance in everything is healthy. Too much of anything is not. Whether it be a person, a computer, a drink, food tect..etc... In the end. If your husband is not comfortable in going out with his daughters whether you have been invited or not, its his perogative to say no. Its just too bad that you are the scapegoat when he does decline. Or words it in such a way the way he did. Your DH defines himself with you. and there is nothing wrong with that. Just like my husband. If i'mnot invited, he tells people to take a hike. I'm proud of him for it but sad at the same time because he should define himself alone not just with me. I guess its to each their own. And how they want to live. You cannot force anyone to phone people whetther its their own family or friends. I used to remind my husband, phone your kids, but now i dont....i should not be his mother. I'm his wife and itshis responsibility to phone his kids. If he doesn't , then its not my fault. Its his and his kids know it. ANyways..we're on vacation! And we're off to the mall to putts around on a rainy icky day! Chin up, dont worry about yoru SD. Let your husband handle it. Even if he doesn't handle it perfectly, its stillhis call in the end....See MoreIf I could tell mothers of adult stepchildren anything, Part 2
Comments (16)Hi Dana, I had to work yesterday, so didn't have time to reply to your first response. First, it's important to understand that my stepmother is mentally ill. Her illness, which I believe to be a combination of borderline personality disorder and paranoid personality disorder, makes her a very difficult person to deal with. The only reservation we ever had was that she was already married when she met my father, and then pushed my dad to get married right away. We were concerned things were going too fast. She was antagonistic to my youngest sister right off, mostly because that is the sister who is very much like mom. I later found out that my SM started watching the family videotapes almost immediately after moving into Dad's house. She didn't watch them with anyone else, but by herself. We found out because a family acquaintance came over to the house unexpectedly and discovered her doing that. My stepmother's response? "I want to see what's so great about this other woman." Still, I do believe she feels threatened by us, although we've never threatened their marriage. According to my dad, he started regretting his hasty decision to marry within a month or two of their wedding. She decided the only reason he could have come to that decision was because we were urging him to dump her. I would NEVER presume to do that. I don't offer marital advice to anyone and could not imagine intruding in my dad's marriage in that way. All of my sisters feel the same. (Side note: One sister tells me that's the reason she confides in me about fights she and her husband have had ... because I always point out his good qualities and the things she loves about him, rather than take her side and bash him.) My dad says it's only been in the past year that he has realized how much she's lied about. We've been accused of saying and doing things that never happened. Turns out, she was telling dad that we were calling when he was gone and cursing her out. She also told him that his brother borrowed $1,000 from her and never paid her back. Untrue. For a while, I've wondered if she knows the difference between fact and fiction. My sense is that she makes up those incidents, knowing at the time that they're fictional, but after she's told the story a couple of times, the event becomes real to her. As for apologizing, I have done so, over and over again. Dad says she absolutely will not forgive -- that once she feels someone has wronged her, she hates that person forever. He also says she will NEVER admit she's done anything wrong....See Morefinedreams
15 years agosilversword
15 years agojune0000
15 years agosylviatexas1
15 years ago
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