adult stepchildren manipulating

ann1960

18 years ago

my husband and i have been married 6 years and his daughter is 24 years old, married, 2 children under the age of 2, and she continually is trying to manipulate my husband and destroy our marriage. She used to call me mom before we got married - all of a sudden attitudes changed and I am the enemy. My husband is non-confrontational, so he does not defend me - she has told numerous lies about me, myfamily, my children, my husband's mother and sisters - but he will not confront her about it. she tells him mean and hurtful things one day then the next week she acts like everything is fine as long as i'm out of the picture. its destroying our marriage - and the past 3 years my husband apologizes for her but will do nothing about it. she keeps him in emotional blackmail mode and threatens not to allow him to see the grandkids. i'm at my wits end. the bad thing is, if he could hide his hurt - that would be one thing -but he gets angry with me, and my 2 children (18 year old and 12 year old) and takes it out on us - while refusing to be honest with his 2 adult children.

Featured Answer

end-of-rope

18 years ago

I have these same issues with my DH. He says I should kill them with kindness - I would just as soon not even look at them. DH is so scared to say anything to them - this is about the only thing we argue about.

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Comments (12)

serenity_now_2007
18 years ago
Obviously we're going to want more details about what all has gone down, what circumstances precipitated the most recent run-ins. But based only on what you just wrote, I will make 2 comments:

-Six years ago, approximately when you and your husband married, your SD would have been right around 18. If you look around this forum as well as other sources on stepfamilies, you will see that 18 is an intensely loaded age in stepfamilies, for everyone involved. It's often the time when the issues come to a head, and unfortunately can be the beginning of the end of a decent relationship between SP's and SK's. It's the age of 'legal adulthood', as well as the point at which the question of CS or continued support for college comes up. Often everyone in the stepfamily has a set of expectations for what happens when a stepkid turns 18 (including that stepkid), and often no one is fully prepared for the conflicts that arise then, which are many-fold. Though the parent's official marriage to a step-parent is a big adjustment, even after years of living together, my hunch is that the conflicts started more as a result of the issues raised by SD turning 18 than the marriage necessarily. If you think back on it, you might find this is true.

-I'm an adult stepdaughter, and I have had a difficult relationship with my stepmother. So I have that as a built-in bias that I bring toward any discussion about relations between SP's and SK's. But that said, I think it's completely unfair to threaten to deny access to the grandchildren. The only exception would be in a case where there is credible threat of *physical* harm to the child. I would even go so far as saying that potential *mental or emotional* harm is not really an excuse (except in extreme cases) because the child's parent should be teaching the child how to deflect negative influences from difficult people s/he will inevitably have to face in the world (most people don't even have to venture outside the family to find 'em, and we all have to deal with family). So even if your SD thinks you and/or your husband are difficult, without a legitimate and severe reason to fear actual harm she is being unreasonable to deny access to the grandkids.
sylviatexas1
18 years ago
"he does not defend me"

"he will not confront her about it"

"he gets angry with me, and my 2 children (18 year old and 12 year old) and takes it out on us"

You do not have a problem with this woman;
you have a problem with your husband.

*He* has a problem with her, & she's angry at him for "abandoning" her...

As long as you & your kids are there to be used as badminton birds, batted back & forth, *they don't have to sit down & hash out their issues*.

You can't do anything about his disfunctional, co-dependent relationship with his daughter (& if you could & did, you'd merely become part of the blackmail/enabling/messed-up system), but you can disengage & you can refuse to allow it to contaminate your life & the lives of your children.

In your boots, I *think* I'd tell him what was going to happen, & then I'd make it happen:

"Hubby, I'm through.
I'm not tolerating any more trash out of your daughter, & I'm not tolerating any more disrespect out of you.

"The very next time she bad-mouths me, I'm calling her on it, & if you don't defend me, your wife & partner, you can go to blazes.

"I'll find someone who'll treat me right, or I'll live in peaceful solitude, but neither my children nor I will be mistreated by both you & your daughter so that you two can deny that you're angry with each other."

"*Under no circumstances* are you *ever* to lash out at my kids.
They're off-limits.

"Take your frustration & anger out on the person who provokes it, or swallow it.

"My kids & I are not emotional punching bags, & I won't stand for the two of you making us into punching bags."

I'm so sorry, & I do wish you the best.
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We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with. The SD cant stand that fact and has used it as a reason to not come to our house. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. She has used that to say that we have chosen our dogs over the safety of their children because I refuse to part ways with my dogs. We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough - they have insisted we get them new homes! for someone that may have come to visit 3 times a year, it was not a reasonable request. If they lived with me and my dogs were causing health concerns, it would be totally different. This battle has gone on for 1 1/2 year and now we dont do any holiday or family get togethers at our house at all - so imagine me hauling food and presents for 20+ people over to someone elses house to accomdate Christmas. I don't have any thoughts or advice about the rest of the post, but I do have thoughts/advice about this part. I have asthma myself and I know many people with asthma. It's very possible you may be underestimating the seriousness of this issue for your husband's grandchildren. Your stepdaughter is not handling this the way I would, if I were in her shoes (at least that's what I think). If I were your stepdaughter, I would not insist or even ask that you get rid of the dogs. But I would not be visiting your home, probably ever, if it caused my children to have asthma attacks. Even if the attacks were just sometimes. I would kindly and pleasantly let you know that was the issue, then it would be up to you and your husband to decide whether to keep the dogs or not. I would not be attending family/holiday get-togethers at your home, and I would very much expect that you and your husband would be not only willing but also understanding enough to haul your presents and food to someone else's home without complaint in order to prevent my children from having an asthma attack. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. Exactly. They have asthma attacks from dogs (sometimes) but also from other things. Asthma is probably a constant battle for them. There are so many places their children have to go that cause problems for them, why would you insist that they come to your home when you could visit them instead? We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough No, putting the dogs outside is not good enough. Please, please for the sake of your relationship with your husband and his family, educate yourself about asthma. Here is some information about pet dander and asthma from the web site about.com: In fact, it is dander or the proteins in skin flakes, urine, feces, saliva and hair that trigger your asthma symptoms. Removing your pet from the home and avoiding contact with the pet is the most effective way to decrease exposure to animal dander. A "trial removal" is not recommended as it may take as many as 20 weeks following removal for allergen levels to fall to levels similar to those of homes without pets. If you do remove the pet from the home, make sure you thoroughly clean all bedding products, floors, carpets and other surfaces where dander may collect. If pet removal is going to produce depression, crying and gnashing of teeth for you or your child, making the pet an "outside only" animal is a partial solution, but will not fully decrease your exposure to animal dander If you and your husband insist on keeping the dogs and that your grandchildren visit you, then you probably ARE choosing the dogs over your husband's grandchildren's safety. . We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with It's very possible your husband didn't know himself what a huge issue this would be. Many, many people, like yourself, think simply putting the dogs outside is good enough. However, now you both know that it is a problem, and it's up to the two of you to decide how to deal with this problem. I don't think your stepdaughter should insist that you give up the dogs. However, if you were my stepmother I would be very, very, very, very, very angry if I had told you what a problem this causes and you continued to dismiss it. Very angry. Really, really, really angry. I'd be angry and I certainly, absolutely would think you were not the life's companion for my father I hoped he'd have. I just want him to stand up to his ASD and tell her that I am here to stay, deal with it, accept it, and quit being so petty over stuff. Your husband's grandchildren have asthma that is sometimes triggered by pet dander. They are his grandchildren, they SHOULD be there to stay, you should deal with it and accept it and do what you can to minimize the impact of your pets on your grandchildren's health. I can certainly understand why you'd rather have your beloved pets with you every day rather than get rid of them over someone who only visits 3 times a year. However, you are minimizing and dismissing valid health concerns your step daughter has. As her children's mother, it's her responsibility to advocate for their health in a situation like yours. She is not being petty, she is being a responsible mother. I hope this helps you to see the other side of the issue. I hope you and your husband can find some resolution to this issue. The only other thing I would add is that sometimes certain things will cause problems for me and other times those same things won't. It's not like cat dander (one of the things I'm allergic to) will always cause problems for me. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But if my threshold is low (and I don't always know when that will be), then cat dander causes a problem for me, ranging in severity. So please don't be dismissive of the issue if your husband's grandchildren don't always have asthma attacks due to the dogs. Even if the problem is intermittent, it's still an issue. That's not your stepdaughter being petty, it's the reality of her children's life. She MUST deal with that on behalf of her children, she has no choice. But YOU do have a choice. Good luck whatever you decide.
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Frankly, I think the "Blame the Step" game is the rule rather than the exception. If Daddy does something that makes us angry, it must be StepMom's fault! If Mommy lets us down, it's because StepDad made her! If your spouse annoys you, it's because of their selfish, spoiled kids. And most often, those kids are only spoiled and selfish because of the Ex. That kind of emotional knee-jerk is just easier to deal with than the complex concept that our loved ones aren't perfect. It's immature thinking -- but it happens. All the time. (Meaning often, not without exception.) There's not a whole lot you can do about it except not take it personally and know that it's just your role as a StepParent that's being blamed. If the situation comes up where you're confronted with a ridiculous accusation, I'd just agree and add that you're also the one who single-handedly caused global warming, who put the hole in the ozone layer, and who started the war in Iraq. Gas prices are your fault; you raised taxes, and you made sure Johnny couldn't read. Then smile graciously, throw in a hug or kiss if at all possible, and either change the subject or walk away.
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finedreams
18 years ago
agree with sylvia. this woman is 24 so there is no excuse to behave the way she does. for whatever reason biokids are expected to grow up and behave decently, while stepkids are allowed to stay rude teenagers until they are what? how old? 40?

and it is really husband's fault. he should set a boundary. i would not appreciate DD behaving this way towards her father and SM.

and I would not be surprised if SD behaves this way hoping you will leave and maybe she can get some money out of her dad, or what? inheritance issues again? why are some grown up people are rude and mean to their own family? and greedy? no excuse.
silversword
18 years ago
Serenity Now: "But that said, I think it's completely unfair to threaten to deny access to the grandchildren. The only exception would be in a case where there is credible threat of *physical* harm to the child. I would even go so far as saying that potential *mental or emotional* harm is not really an excuse (except in extreme cases) because the child's parent should be teaching the child how to deflect negative influences from difficult people s/he will inevitably have to face in the world (most people don't even have to venture outside the family to find 'em, and we all have to deal with family)."

SylviaTexas: "You do not have a problem with this woman;
you have a problem with your husband."

You ladies said it all. Very well put, and I can't add anything more to this except I'm sorry you're going through a rough time Ann. Stand your ground as kindly as you can.
june0000
18 years ago
Ann,

I agree with the others. I'm recently divorced and had two adult stepdaughters. The youngest is wonderful. The oldest, who is married with children, was very difficult.

It wasn't until I got divorced from their Dad that I found out the youngest daughter and biomom that the oldest daughter and her Dad never really got along.

As a stepmother, it does feel personal, particularly when something is said to hurt you or those you love. But it is more about him and her than it is about you.

I do agree this sort of a problem tends to have something to do with abandonment issues and it is something her Dad is going to have to handle with her. I'd stand firm on letting Dad resolve this problem. Do not let him take it out on you and your children.

Best wishes.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
well, of course he says you should kill them with kindness;
then he doesn't have to do anything.
HU-207180692
2 years ago
I am dealing with close to the same thing my husband will not stand up to his 19 year old daugter who is pregnant he never raised her and allows her to disrespect me and then gets angry at me when i ask him to deal with it i am now contiplating divorce because i dont know what wlse to do. she sends me text messages from diifferent phone numbers below is an example of just one of them and his response is you two just need to hash it out and not put me in the middle of your conflicts. mind you i under no circumstanses respond to these messages in fear of the hell i will have to pay or have i communicated with her in anyway.
colleenoz
2 years ago
I think divorce is a good idea unless you are prepared to put up with this situation continuing until one or the other of you dies. Your "husband" has made it clear that he will not back you and insist that his daughter be at least civil to you. Why would you stay with someone who doesn't have your back? Don't you think you deserve better?
HU-207180692
2 years ago
I do believe i deserve better and i told him that this morning and he let me know that i am crazy but thats okay he can think that i will no longer let him destroy me or let her destroy me its not easy and it hurts but i do know that it is for the best
colleenoz
2 years ago
So not only does he not have your back but he's happy to gaslight you? Run girl.
HU-207180692
2 years ago
Exactly i wish i could screen shot his messages becasuse there are days were i feel crazy but honestly i am at the end of my rope

adult stepchildren manipulating

end-of-rope

Comments (12)

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