Hi, Nivea-- I'm an adult SD also, and have dealt with many of the same things you have, especially the flippant dismissal of the past and then making me the scapegoat for bringing up how it had an effect on me; feeling so outnumbered and minimized; the pain of feeling like Dad doesn't see it (but I think in all these cases somewhere deep down he does... whether he does anything about it or admits he sees it is something else...). The way your situation was worse than mine is the amount of chores you shouldered at such an early age, like a true Cinderella (I wasn't expected to do all those chores til this last summer when I stayed with my dad & his GF because he now has cancer; she gave me corrections on the way I changed *her* cats' litterbox and actually said to me: "you're here to take the workload off me"). And of course you had to deal with that day in day out and I only visited a few times a year. Not trying to compare, because pain is pain; my point is that I can relate. From my perspective of having gone through similar stuff, it does sound at this point like your Dad is still open to listening to you. (Mine has several times come close to "shooting the messenger" and kicking me out of his life, even recently, with cancer, and completely invalidating my pain.) I think it is worth trying to write a letter. Even if he never sees it, even if it is to work out how you will phrase things talking to him in person. If you're like me you have such a swirl of conflicting emotions (you're so hurt but you still need your dad; you're angry at him for being a bystander but you wonder if he felt "trapped", etc.) and fear that once you open your mouth a bunch of uncontrollable, nonsensical rage will come out. So definitely writing out your thoughts and feelings can't but help you clarify and get centered and strong. There is always a temptation in these situations to psychologically write the other parties off, erase them from your mind, etc. Believe me, I've been tempted, and I still struggle to make the regular calls to my dad that I feel I need to make because he needs them as a cancer patient. And the cancer has really caused me to realize that I can't just completely shut the door, no matter how much all this has hurt (the feeling of being so invalidated and GF forcing him to choose, and him choosing to keep me away to make her happy). Even though he has actually said: "I've already said my goodbyes to you", "I won't subject my wife [they just got married in October after 18 yrs, for insurance purposes or something] to your complaints..." Even with all this hurt and rejection, I can't completely shut the door, and I myself didn't know that until cancer came along and kind of forced the issue for me. This is, I guess, why I am so about families doing everything in their power to stay connected and try to reach understandings, and why my heart is going out so much to others in similar situations lately... I have basically found two things the most therapeutic in dealing with these things that have no easy answers and which you will likely never be able to fully escape: -Trying my best to continue the unconditional love a family should give, even if it is not given. I'm actually not religious at all, but this strikes me as something many religious folks might relate to... a form of forgiveness and invincible love. The way I see it, it's a can't-lose situation: giving love which hopefully helps my Dad, and also giving myself the peace of mind that at least *I* have tried my best to do the right thing, so that at least I know that I have found a way to learn unconditional love and support and that this particular family dynamic has not taken that away from me. -Helping others. Helping my dad with many things throughout this disease, trying to help other families at risk of rupturing, feeling like I can try to prevent others from the same problems, offering the perspective of my experience hopefully as "preventative"... No, we can't take on the responsibility of trying to "fix the world" (besides, that would be arrogant)... but things like making a vow to be the most loving supportive mom you can be to re-write the past and try to erase its negativity from the future... The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to continue what it sounds like you've been doing: refusing to let the past drag you and your child down, pouring the energy into building a rewarding life for yourself and your child and friends, etc. If you decide to share your letter with your dad (either it or sentiments from it in conversation), share your hurt honestly but be sure to at least give him a way he can try to atone or help you. He needs to feel like there is something he can do to make it right (even if its impossible for him to do so fully), he needs to feel like you can at least forgive him. Not that he should "get off easy" or feel like a half-a$$ flippant apology "covers it". Tell him all you need for him is to understand and not try to minimize your hurt, and that if he can truly do that, he has helped already to heal a lot of the damage. None of you can go back in time and give you back the full carefree childhood you should have had. But he also needs to know that the situation isn't damaged beyond repair if he's going to feel brave enough to give you the validation and acknowledgement you need.

As a mom, I understand your wife's feelings. I have two sons ~ 20 & 23. The 23 left at 18 because he didn't like my rules, he came back several times because he couldn't loaf in any one place very long... but when I allowed him to come back, he ALWAYS had conditions! Had to find a job... spend his day looking, not sleeping all day. He had to do chores... more chores if he wasn't working because he had more time. He had to pay $50 a week. and he had to follow our house rules.. no staying up all night watching movies or playing video games, clean up after yourself, and he could only fix himself meals when we were preparing our meals. (He was welcome to eat what we were having but if he didn't like it, he could fix himself something else... but he could only do so when I was making dinner~ not after all the dinner dishes were done & kitchen was clean, because even though he had to clean up after himself, he is not very good at it so we'd end up having to do it over.) Consequently, my son CHOSE to not stay with me very long.. usually a few weeks & he'd find someone's couch. That's why he came back several times. We stuck to our conditions and he kept coming back, hoping we'd let him slide. He eventually joined the military and has matured a lot in the last two years. But, I am also going through it with my 20 year old son... having to stay firm & consistent with the rules. If they don't like it, they are "adult" age and can go do something else. You should not feel like a prisoner in your own home & suspect your wife agrees but it's her son & she doesn't want to turn him away, but maybe is conflicted because she remembers how bad it was when he was there before... I feel for her. Oh yeah, if he is leaving Dad's because he doesn't like the rules or being told what to do, does he think it will be different in your home? I think this is one time you & your wife should get together with Dad & stepmom to have the same rules/expectations in both houses.

I have a few questions for the adult stepchildren regarding a situation we're having. I'm sorry this is so long but I wanted to give you as much info as possible. My DH is the most gentle & considerate man I've ever met and is deeply wounded that this situation has only worsened since we've married. Maybe you can help us. Please bear with me.... My SD is estranged from DH after continually lying to him throughout her life and not following through with behavioral promises she made. DH says she was always a pathological liar and is a manipulator and he cannot trust her. She manipulates by "crying, lying & playing victim" to gain sympathy. I have personally witnessed her throwing a 3-year old's tantrum at the age of 21 - throwing herself on the floor and faking loud boo-hoos upon slamming her bedroom door when she was told there would be consequences to her latest lie. Her younger brother continually falls for this - DH used to when she was younger. He would end up comforting her when she would start to whimper & cry. He felt sorry for her at the time b/c she was young. DH made several counseling appointments for her when she was living with him. She would go once or twice and then stop. She went on depression meds a few different times and then would stop. When she was unpset with DH, she would hang up on him, one time telling him "F...Y.., Dad!" She never apologized for any of the hang-ups nor for cursing at her father. He has been at wits' end trying to get her to help herself but she refuses to do so - it seems she would rather manipulate to get her way rather than take any responsibility for her emotional health. This is not an adolescent child or a young teenage girl - this is a married woman with a child. Her husband has become her protector and when she "cries, lies & plays victim" he comes to her rescue to defend her. She even went so far as to lie to him early in their marriage, telling him that she had attempted suicide when she was young. DH had to be the one to tell her hubby that this event never happened. Her hubby was appalled and asked DH "Why didn't you tell me this before I married her?" DH's response was: "I'm really sorry....I guess I was hoping she wouldn't do this to you". Over the past several months, she has begun to systematically destroy SS's relationship with his father. It appears she is succeeding b/c SS has begun acting cold & rude towards DH. SS lives on his own in another town and DH only speaks with him every few weeks. Recently, SS has made comments in SD's favor trying to get DH to feel sorry for her, hoping to excuse her behavior. DH calmly replied that she needs to get herself some professional help. No one need suffer with depression indefinitely anymore. There is help for those who want it. SD continually shut DH out whenever he tried to find out what problems she was dealing with. We know there are no drugs or alcohol involved - this has been a life-long pattern with her. To add to the mix, DH says that SD was always jealous of SS's close relationship with him and we're wondering if she has used a guilt tactic over the years (to her advantage) whereby causing SS to feel guilty that he & DH have a good relationship. This may be why he so readily feels sorry for her - out of guilt. He is not particularly close with her since they've both moved on into their own lives. Her mother was a workaholic who did not partner with DH in disciplining SD about her continual lies - DH says she was not present when he would talk to SD about the lying and when the mother was informed, she did not think it was that big of a problem. The mother had an affair when the children were in their late teens and the marriage dissolved. I met DH two years after the divorce. The mother married her lover four months before we married and then began to show up at places where DH & I were (coincidentally?). She also did this when DH went out on his first date with another woman before me - SD had told her where the couple were going to be. She came by their table and flaunted her lover, acting surprised that DH was there. QUESTIONS: 1) Would it be beneficial for DH to broach the subject of his estrangement with SS23? 2) If so, what would be a good way in which to broach this subject? 3) If SS says he doesn't want to "get involved", should DH tell him he suspects that it's too late for that by the way he is treating DH and ask that SS give DH a chance to explain his truth about the situation? 4) Or, should DH leave SS23 alone and trust that he will mature one day and realize that his sister is not trustworthy and manipulates people for her own benefit? Thank you so much for advice!!

Kathleen. I know how you feel and how you think your bf must be so ignorant not to see your point and how hurt your are by his attitude and his son's attitude. My DH's children once invited their father for an outing and not a word was said of me joining them. I was hurt! Really hurt! I had never done that to them. I always made sur if their father went out with one, i would go with the other. Otherwise, we always did things all together. When the stepdaughter got older, she invited her father to go to a movie with her. Dear Husband saw nothing wrong with being invited alone. I thought, when she'll come and get her father, she will realize by my behaviour that i am hurt. IWell, to make a long story short, they finally never went out. However, the whole situation did bother me alot so i know how you feel towards your bf and his son. Today, if it had to happen again, i wouldn't care. I understand that DH's children might want to be alone with their father and that it has nothing to do with me. It's not with the children that i need to maintain a relationship, it's with hubby. So, although i know how upset you are with bf right now, perhaps it would be a good idea not to pack so quickly. Put yourself in his situation. It seems like divorced father's live with an indescribable amount of ''guiltiness towards their children'' and because they will do anything in the world not to rock the boat with them, they will act like your bf is acting now. You have been with this man for eight years. You have invested a lot of time in this relationship. Do you really, really, want to give all this energy you have devoted to this relationship, because your bf's son is ignorant towards you? Let him be! Ignore him. Disengage. Be good to yourself. Don't let him ruin your life. Keep posting.