Frankly, I think the "Blame the Step" game is the rule rather than the exception. If Daddy does something that makes us angry, it must be StepMom's fault! If Mommy lets us down, it's because StepDad made her! If your spouse annoys you, it's because of their selfish, spoiled kids. And most often, those kids are only spoiled and selfish because of the Ex.

That kind of emotional knee-jerk is just easier to deal with than the complex concept that our loved ones aren't perfect. It's immature thinking -- but it happens. All the time. (Meaning often, not without exception.)

There's not a whole lot you can do about it except not take it personally and know that it's just your role as a StepParent that's being blamed. If the situation comes up where you're confronted with a ridiculous accusation, I'd just agree and add that you're also the one who single-handedly caused global warming, who put the hole in the ozone layer, and who started the war in Iraq. Gas prices are your fault; you raised taxes, and you made sure Johnny couldn't read. Then smile graciously, throw in a hug or kiss if at all possible, and either change the subject or walk away.

Sweeby is right on the money with this one. People think it's easier to blame the other person than to look inside themselves and think they may be the cause. Chances are if grown children are acting the way they are, they were allowed to do it before.

Hopefully your hubby will keep standing up for you and eventually things will even out.

Just remember Its not about you. This young lady has her own problems and by the way so does the son. Whatever led him to marry the wicked witch of the west anyhow?
Be pleasant, don't get into a row with anybody --nobody wins them. There is no Darling Stepmother award to be won.

agree, when I hear of such unreasonable behavior of adult kids, I know it is about them, not you. they are clearly messed up.

This is a very complicated story. From what you have written it looks as though the problems began when you found out about "the many lies this deceitful young woman had told" and then had dad gently try to discourage SS from marrying her. Who found out about the young woman, you or dad? How did you find out? Of course SS would have told his fiance about this talk with dad, which wouldn't have endeared her to you very much.

It seems to me that you are being blamed for the failure of that marriage, and that the kids see you as a meddling stepmother who should have minded her own business. Don't ever underestimate the connectedness of siblings. They can fight like cats and dogs but you must never interfere or support one side or the other.

Rightly or wrongly you are being punished for SS's failed marriage. As for solutions to this dilemma, can't think of one. SS may feel that you ruined his marriage, so he is going to ruin yours.

Thank you everyone for your kind and honest replies. I truly don't think I'm being blamed for the failed marriage. I think I'm being blamed for Dad wanting to leave the wedding after dinner, which opened a whole can of worms and the rest of the stuff just fell out of the can. I feel the oldest SD that initiated this whole thing has some unresolved issues and is projecting her anger and animosity onto me.

I am taking everyone's advice and putting this completely on DH to handle. I'm going to try not to let it get to me either. After much reading, I have realized that I am not responsible for their feelings or actions. Only my own. Thanks again.

My husband and I have had a great deal of experience with an adult daughter who is manipulating. The person behind this, of course, is the ex-wife. We have found it helpful to "kill them with kindness." The issues have deminished when they realize that it doesn't get a rise out of us. It is important that my husband and I talk about the issues that come up to make sure that we are both prepared for what comes up next.

Be sure that you & your husband have protected each other legally;
get an attorney to draw wills & whatever documents needed to appoint each one of you as the other's conservator/power of attorney/whatever.

If he has a bad stroke & can't make decisions for himself, you need to be able to take care of him without crazy, spiteful people interfering, & if, Gawd forbid, he were to get hit by a bus & die, you don't want to have to fight them over his estate (they'll insist that what's yours is theirs too).

I wish you the best.