Adult Stepchild Manipulating?

17 years ago

I desperately need some advice on how to handle a situation I am now suffering through.

My DH & I have been married 8 years. Second marriage for both. I have 2 adult children (33 & 31) from first marriage and he has 3 adult children (22, 24 & 25).

We all got along well initially and I actually started to love his children. They were here every weekend for visitation and frequently spent the weekends with us when they were teens. I did all that I could to make them understand they were a part of our family and I would NEVER take their Father away from them. In fact, one of the reasons I fell in love with DH was his dedication to his children and support of them, both financially & emotionally.

About 2 years ago, DH's oldest, a son, got married. He married a horrible, lying, sneaky deceitful young woman. We found out about many of her lies prior to the wedding and DH tried to gently let his son know before he made a mistake. To make a long story short, kids do what they want and he married her anyway. 1 year later, they divorced.

Now, during the time leading up to the wedding, his soon to be wife did many hurtful things and told many nasty lies. The day of the wedding was the last straw. We were approached by a friend who wanted to know why DH didn't attend his son's stag? No one had even invited him. That broke my DH heart. At that point, dinner was over and he said "Let's go". He wanted to leave.

Well, DH oldest daughter got vicious over this. She didn't talk to her Father for several months. She now blames me for this and has started making bizarre accusations.

She wrote me a letter and blamed me for her parents having a "dysfunctional divorce" (they were divorced 10 years when I met him),she stated that I missed her prom when in fact I was there to see her off and I rented the limo for her myself, and accused me of being the reason we left the wedding along with many other nasty statements.

DH called her and explained everything. He corrected her on every false statement she made. He went to her home, sat down with her and went over everything again. She refuses to accept things the way they really are and only wants to believe her perception of thing.

Fast forward to present. I am now the wicked SM and she is turning her siblings against me as well. I've had it. I'm bitter over being blamed for things I did not do and quite frankly, I feel like she is trying to manipulate her Father into choosing between me & them.

I have tried so hard to understand psychologically what might be causing this and I've tried for 2 years to be diplomatic. I've reached the point where the door is now closed. I do not want her in my life. On the other hand, it is my DH child and I don't want their relationship damaged.

Please, if anyone can shed any insight on how to best handle this, I would greatly appreciate it.

Featured Answer

colleen777

17 years ago

As a stepmother of adult stepchildren you are in a very precarious position. These adults very often see that you have no rights at all, and in fact you OWE them. So while it might be ok for mom to question your choice in a partner it most definitely is not ok for a stepmom to do that.

There is a lot of dysfunction that existed in this family long before you came along and you are a very convenient scapegoat. Regardless it would have happened during some other family crisis.

Counselling might help, but that is only as good as people will open up and be honest about their interior thinking.
In the meantime look after yourself, don't ever expect that a nice big blended family will occur, and stay as far away as you possibly can. Dad is going to have to deal with this one.

Skip trying to get the truth out. Nobody cares except for you.

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Comments (9)

sweeby
17 years ago
Frankly, I think the "Blame the Step" game is the rule rather than the exception. If Daddy does something that makes us angry, it must be StepMom's fault! If Mommy lets us down, it's because StepDad made her! If your spouse annoys you, it's because of their selfish, spoiled kids. And most often, those kids are only spoiled and selfish because of the Ex.

That kind of emotional knee-jerk is just easier to deal with than the complex concept that our loved ones aren't perfect. It's immature thinking -- but it happens. All the time. (Meaning often, not without exception.)

There's not a whole lot you can do about it except not take it personally and know that it's just your role as a StepParent that's being blamed. If the situation comes up where you're confronted with a ridiculous accusation, I'd just agree and add that you're also the one who single-handedly caused global warming, who put the hole in the ozone layer, and who started the war in Iraq. Gas prices are your fault; you raised taxes, and you made sure Johnny couldn't read. Then smile graciously, throw in a hug or kiss if at all possible, and either change the subject or walk away.
ashley1979
17 years ago
Sweeby is right on the money with this one. People think it's easier to blame the other person than to look inside themselves and think they may be the cause. Chances are if grown children are acting the way they are, they were allowed to do it before.

Hopefully your hubby will keep standing up for you and eventually things will even out.
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marge727
17 years ago
Just remember Its not about you. This young lady has her own problems and by the way so does the son. Whatever led him to marry the wicked witch of the west anyhow?
Be pleasant, don't get into a row with anybody --nobody wins them. There is no Darling Stepmother award to be won.
finedreams
17 years ago
agree, when I hear of such unreasonable behavior of adult kids, I know it is about them, not you. they are clearly messed up.
colleen777
17 years ago
This is a very complicated story. From what you have written it looks as though the problems began when you found out about "the many lies this deceitful young woman had told" and then had dad gently try to discourage SS from marrying her. Who found out about the young woman, you or dad? How did you find out? Of course SS would have told his fiance about this talk with dad, which wouldn't have endeared her to you very much.

It seems to me that you are being blamed for the failure of that marriage, and that the kids see you as a meddling stepmother who should have minded her own business. Don't ever underestimate the connectedness of siblings. They can fight like cats and dogs but you must never interfere or support one side or the other.

Rightly or wrongly you are being punished for SS's failed marriage. As for solutions to this dilemma, can't think of one. SS may feel that you ruined his marriage, so he is going to ruin yours.
tkubi7
Original Author
17 years ago
Thank you everyone for your kind and honest replies. I truly don't think I'm being blamed for the failed marriage. I think I'm being blamed for Dad wanting to leave the wedding after dinner, which opened a whole can of worms and the rest of the stuff just fell out of the can. I feel the oldest SD that initiated this whole thing has some unresolved issues and is projecting her anger and animosity onto me.

I am taking everyone's advice and putting this completely on DH to handle. I'm going to try not to let it get to me either. After much reading, I have realized that I am not responsible for their feelings or actions. Only my own. Thanks again.
grandklk
17 years ago
My husband and I have had a great deal of experience with an adult daughter who is manipulating. The person behind this, of course, is the ex-wife. We have found it helpful to "kill them with kindness." The issues have deminished when they realize that it doesn't get a rise out of us. It is important that my husband and I talk about the issues that come up to make sure that we are both prepared for what comes up next.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
Be sure that you & your husband have protected each other legally;
get an attorney to draw wills & whatever documents needed to appoint each one of you as the other's conservator/power of attorney/whatever.

If he has a bad stroke & can't make decisions for himself, you need to be able to take care of him without crazy, spiteful people interfering, & if, Gawd forbid, he were to get hit by a bus & die, you don't want to have to fight them over his estate (they'll insist that what's yours is theirs too).

I wish you the best.

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