My heart goes out to you. I wish I could reach through this thread & give you one of those two arm hugs. I have learned bad things happen to good people & life is unfair. Life was unfair to you by taking your Mom. It is horrible what that woman did. I think you should write to your Dad though. Write everything down, everything that makes you angry, everything she did. Then I think you should get into counseling. Are you still depressed? What did you do to overcome the depression? I want you to move on from this & have a good life. I wouldn't shut your Dad out all together but I would definetly keep my distance. Although, if you feel you need to shut him out completely to heal at this time, do it. There are so many children that could benefit from your experiences, from your understanding. Do you have children? I bet you'd make a sensitive, loving Mom. Jealousy is an ugly thing. I saw a close friend treat her stepson horrible. I couldn't remain friends with her. It sickened me how unfair she was. I too found the military a good family experience. Goodluck & keep posting.

I know this will sound harsh, but I have watched my daughter in law blame every problem in her life on her dad. When he died she starting putting the blame on me. Her life is a mess, it will never get better. she's is miserable. Since you acknowledge you have a problem, fix it. You can go through the rest of your life blaming your problems on someone else or fix the problem.

My mother gave me some very good advice one day when I was complaining about my life. She said, "don't dwell on the problem, think of the good things in your life". She was right, from that day on I was a happier person.

oh my, sorry you had to have this in your life. I suggest you seek help in therapy and support groups. I doubt it would help if you write a letter, they had plenty of time to know how they mistreated you. I wouldn't end relationship with dad but I would keep my distance from them.

Thank you, Misti. I think I will write him a letter. Yes, I am a mother. My child is great and has gone a long ways to helping me heal. Yes, I've been through therapy for 10 years. I am not depressed anymore and for the most part, have a great life. I am very successful professionally, have a house paid for and could retire by 40.

jonesy,

I am curious; did you read my post?

I am not blaming my father and stepmom for anything. I refuse to be treated abusively anymore. There is a big difference between stating what is done in your childhood that has affected you as an adult and in sitting around doing nothing about it.

My post was a background to where my relationship with my father and stepmother stand in my life today.

I think you should write him a letter for yourself. I don't know if they will give you anymore understanding but writing is therapy & I think it would help you. Do they treat your child different than the other children? Also, I think you need to forgive them for you, not for them. I have heard to forgive someone try to look at their vulnerabilities. Like maybe the stepmother had been abused as a little girl by her mother or she obviously had some mental issues. It's worth a shot. When I had my daughter I still had some anger issues but as soon as she was born, it was over. I told myself I'm glad all the things happened to me because I know my daughter won't have to experience them. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive that ugly woman. It sounds like you have done well for yourself. Maybe you wouldn't have been that strong if you had been raised like her children.
I have a question for you. As the little girl, did you want your brother & sisters & you to be one big family unit or did you want it kind of more defined, like there's you & your Dad and then there's the new family. This is a question for me. Good luck to you!

Hi Misti,

I have often thought the same, if I wasn't raised that way..would I have been this successful at the age of 28? My therapist tells me that it is all me, and in spite of the way I was raised. I still have a hard time acknowledging my own accomplishments.

I have started on my letter. It will probably take me some time. I will post it to you to get your thoughts when I am done.

To answer your question, yes I wanted a big happy family. Before my father married my stepmother I called her Mom. I could not have been more excited when they married. I had a brother right away and a mom, what more could I have asked for? Her son that she brought into the marriage, is my brother. Definitely, my brother. He is actually a whole 'nother story. Unfortunately, she treated him much the same as me (because he is not the biological son of my father, I believe) however, he is not anywhere near sucessful and his problems from childhood have truly taken over his life.

I tried very hard for a long time with my younger brother and sisters. In fact, I took care of them for a very long time until I went into the military. I'm not sure how to describe it, other than I was their caretaker. My stepmom would not leave her room and I was left to cook/clean/and take care of them. However, they learned to bully me from her whenever she would come out of her room.

I still have mixed feelings about them. But, I can honestly say it was never a me or stepmom thing.

Release them, let them go, evict them from your head, get rid of them, stop letting their disfunction poison your life.

It sounds like you & your stepmother's first son were assigned the roles of "outsiders".

The rest of the family is a big ole co-dependent, disfunctional, self-perpetuating system, & your role in it (& maybe his, too) is scapegoat.

They will *never* change the way they treat you;
why would they change something so rewarding, so satisfying, so agreeably "functional" for them?

From their point of view, you keep *saying* you don't like your role in their system, but you keep coming back for more.

Go far away from these poisonoous people.

Hanging on to them is hanging on to being a scapegoat & a victim, & continuing to ask them for something that you aren't going to get reinforces your powerless position in their cozy little group.

Write the letter, & when you drop it in the mailbox, say, "Good-bye to all of you & to all your pain & misery."

& embrace your own life.

Your stepmother sounds mentally ill. Or certainly, she was -- perhaps is somewhat better now if she can muster up an even-fake apology?

Surviving those rough times developed some very real and valuable coping mechanisms in you, and those survival skills have helped you thrive in adulthood. You took lemons and have truly made lemonade.

Your step-mother clearly abused you and your father did nothing to help. And for that, you have a right to feel very, very angry and hurt. But as you no doubt already know (since you have been in therapy), that hurt and anger won't help you. It IS possible to get past it -- to actually forgive your stepmother and father, and if you do that, you may find more peace in your life. But even so - If they haven't changed, do you really want more of that in your life? It MAY be possible to change some of their behavior patterns -- just by refusing to tolerate any disrespect. But it's unlikely... I'd just politely keep my distance.

Write the letter for you, but think very carefully before putting in in the mail.

Hi, Nivea--

I'm an adult SD also, and have dealt with many of the same things you have, especially the flippant dismissal of the past and then making me the scapegoat for bringing up how it had an effect on me; feeling so outnumbered and minimized; the pain of feeling like Dad doesn't see it (but I think in all these cases somewhere deep down he does... whether he does anything about it or admits he sees it is something else...). The way your situation was worse than mine is the amount of chores you shouldered at such an early age, like a true Cinderella (I wasn't expected to do all those chores til this last summer when I stayed with my dad & his GF because he now has cancer; she gave me corrections on the way I changed *her* cats' litterbox and actually said to me: "you're here to take the workload off me"). And of course you had to deal with that day in day out and I only visited a few times a year. Not trying to compare, because pain is pain; my point is that I can relate. From my perspective of having gone through similar stuff, it does sound at this point like your Dad is still open to listening to you. (Mine has several times come close to "shooting the messenger" and kicking me out of his life, even recently, with cancer, and completely invalidating my pain.)

I think it is worth trying to write a letter. Even if he never sees it, even if it is to work out how you will phrase things talking to him in person. If you're like me you have such a swirl of conflicting emotions (you're so hurt but you still need your dad; you're angry at him for being a bystander but you wonder if he felt "trapped", etc.) and fear that once you open your mouth a bunch of uncontrollable, nonsensical rage will come out. So definitely writing out your thoughts and feelings can't but help you clarify and get centered and strong.

There is always a temptation in these situations to psychologically write the other parties off, erase them from your mind, etc. Believe me, I've been tempted, and I still struggle to make the regular calls to my dad that I feel I need to make because he needs them as a cancer patient. And the cancer has really caused me to realize that I can't just completely shut the door, no matter how much all this has hurt (the feeling of being so invalidated and GF forcing him to choose, and him choosing to keep me away to make her happy). Even though he has actually said: "I've already said my goodbyes to you", "I won't subject my wife [they just got married in October after 18 yrs, for insurance purposes or something] to your complaints..." Even with all this hurt and rejection, I can't completely shut the door, and I myself didn't know that until cancer came along and kind of forced the issue for me. This is, I guess, why I am so about families doing everything in their power to stay connected and try to reach understandings, and why my heart is going out so much to others in similar situations lately... I have basically found two things the most therapeutic in dealing with these things that have no easy answers and which you will likely never be able to fully escape:

-Trying my best to continue the unconditional love a family should give, even if it is not given. I'm actually not religious at all, but this strikes me as something many religious folks might relate to... a form of forgiveness and invincible love. The way I see it, it's a can't-lose situation: giving love which hopefully helps my Dad, and also giving myself the peace of mind that at least *I* have tried my best to do the right thing, so that at least I know that I have found a way to learn unconditional love and support and that this particular family dynamic has not taken that away from me.

-Helping others. Helping my dad with many things throughout this disease, trying to help other families at risk of rupturing, feeling like I can try to prevent others from the same problems, offering the perspective of my experience hopefully as "preventative"... No, we can't take on the responsibility of trying to "fix the world" (besides, that would be arrogant)... but things like making a vow to be the most loving supportive mom you can be to re-write the past and try to erase its negativity from the future...

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to continue what it sounds like you've been doing: refusing to let the past drag you and your child down, pouring the energy into building a rewarding life for yourself and your child and friends, etc.

If you decide to share your letter with your dad (either it or sentiments from it in conversation), share your hurt honestly but be sure to at least give him a way he can try to atone or help you. He needs to feel like there is something he can do to make it right (even if its impossible for him to do so fully), he needs to feel like you can at least forgive him. Not that he should "get off easy" or feel like a half-a$$ flippant apology "covers it". Tell him all you need for him is to understand and not try to minimize your hurt, and that if he can truly do that, he has helped already to heal a lot of the damage. None of you can go back in time and give you back the full carefree childhood you should have had. But he also needs to know that the situation isn't damaged beyond repair if he's going to feel brave enough to give you the validation and acknowledgement you need.

Hi Sweeby,

I agree that anger and hurt are not good things to carry around with you. That is part of the reason why I don't want them in my life. I feel that every visit or phone call opens up that old wound. I feel that I can let it go if I don't have any interaction with them. The best analogy I can come up with is like being in a relationship with an abusive husband. You don't stay in contact with him when it is over.

Thank you, Serenity Now. Your post was so helpful to me. I am sorry you went through that too. I am not religious at all either. But, I do agree about helping. However, there is only so much I can do and quite honestly, I hate getting involved in their messes. Somehow, it always comes back to kick me in the rear.

I also have trouble with forgiveness if they still haven't stopped.

"The best analogy I can come up with is like being in a relationship with an abusive husband. You don't stay in contact with him when it is over. "

Funny you should mention that...
I was married to an emotional abuser for ten years, and since we have a son together, I have had to maintain some level of contact with him. And that's been very difficult and painful -- as you certainly know. But recently, I have found it in myself to be able to forgive him. Not to forget, but to truly understand (inside my heart, not just my head) that it was his own sickness and personality disorder that caused him to act the way he did/does, and that while I was able to escape his torment, he never would be. That provided the emotional distance I needed to be able to interract with him when necessary for the benefit of our son.

In some ways, my Ex is a desparately unhappy person, and I suspect your stepmother and father are also. And they carry the seeds of their own unhappiness within themselves. They are responsible for their own karma, their own fates. I suspect they desparately need to blame you, because to do anything else would mean they have to blame themselves, which would be unthinkable.

If you can get to the place where you can forgive them (and it took me 12 years) -- then you can buffer the pain while not eliminating the relationship entirely.

Nivea I agree with all these posts, and feel for you..Agree SM was mentally ill, I came from an intact, but junky, chaotic childhood too....But as I got older I realized,, ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO HAVE A HAPPY CHILDHOOD? Do you understand what I mean by that? I just moved on from it,had too, one of my sisters committed suicide, have 2 brothers mentally ill from this childhood, STILL talking about it and cant let it go...I think the shrinks call us survivors...Know its difficult, know its painful, but you did survive it,and the best part is that ITS OVER...Start your happy childhood today, you re a sucess, a winner....

Oh and didnt mean the caps to denote anger, just to make them stand out..