Oh, and a lot of it seems to be about trust...she doesn't fully trust him, and she certainly doesn't trust me.

Any suggestions? Like I said, this was just a surprise to all parties, a wonderful blessing but a tough situation.

did he tell you that they were never in a relationship? maybe she thinks they were and she had some other plans on him?

All you can do is kill her with kindness and be good with her son. She sounds jealous and also like she wants a reaction from you and your bf. Try to keep away from any type of confrontation and continue being as nice as possible.

Why does she not trust your bf (besides the obvious of not knowing him before getting pregnant and having to share a child with him)? Has he been involved in his childs life from day 1?

Maybe bf could talk to her and say something like "leecl67 and I are in a serious relationship and she is not going anywhere. Our son has a mother and she will not ever try to take that place with him. But she is a part of my life and is going to be around our son."

He told me that they talked about it, for the sake of the child, but decided against it. They were acquaintances and they both got drunk and poof, baby. I do know for certain they never dated...we have a lot of mutual friends and everybody knows the story. BF's father did tell me she may have come from the kind of background where her parents would have expected him to marry her anyway. He and I are kids from rough divorces and stepfamilies and weren't raised with that sentiment.

He's been involved with his son since Day 1. He's bought her a car, helped her move closer, lent her money when she went broke, etc. I'm not sure why she doesn't trust him. Maybe its a control thing...she doesn't have other aspects of control, like being dependent for child support. I could see that she would want to have some sense of control for that reason.

He has talked to her and said that he wants to marry me, and how much I love his son and that I would never take her place and he tells her what a good mother she is. So its tough to figure out where the give is. She seems very, very threatened by the situation.

At the risk of getting torched I have to bring up the obvious question....how much of her resentment towards you is perhaps that she is worried if the two of you got serious her depending on the "baby daddy" for everything days will be over? She has always had a safe way out of crappy situations because she could get "daddy" to throw bail for her. If daddy actually MARRIES another woman and has more children she may have to buckle down and tote more her share of the financial load and she probably isn't too thrilled about that.

Emotionally it could be, like FD says, that she has always wanted MORE of a relationship, so I'd ask BF if he thinks that's the case. Has she been pining away for him during the past two years? How long have you and BF been together? I have to ask: were you dating BF when he had this one-night stand with her? Was she hoping he'd dump you for her? (I highly doubt this last scenario is how it went, but if so it would shed light and wouldn't say much good for her motivations.)

As for financial, she may be worried that he will stop helping with expenses when there is someone else in the picture (you), which will of course change in some ways but not entirely. In all reality, whether BF is with you or not, he is still going to be obligated to pay child support and to help out financially with SOME of his son's expenses on top of it, which BF will help with unless he is a deadbeat. He should reassure her that he will always do his part to make sure their son is adequately and FAIRLY provided for, and hopefully this will allay some of her fears. While I hope the days of buying her big-ticket items and paying her debts are over, if it is an expense that is directly relevant to the welfare of their child (and heck, a car is arguably one of those expenses if it is her only car)*** then he is likely to continue to contribute *something* in certain cases. His contributions will at least continue to be a very delicate and controversial issue between all of you, whether money is actually paid out or not, and that alone is worth considering. Remember, $ is the top reason relationships end so it's always going to SOMEHOW be an issue, especially in blended families. And depending on where you live (b/c I think it varies but someone correct me if I'm wrong), if you have additional kids with him, the CS will not necessarily reduce because of that. And every year kids are alive, they get more expensive. So I don't see the financial outlook changing that much in dollars and cents, except for getting, all around, more expensive. In a wierd way, just being aware of that should make all of you more at ease with the ievitability of the situation. It is an issue everyone has to accept regardless.

As for how much control she has over how much you are around and whether or not BF marries you, she just doesn't have that control. If she did, it would be called a "relationship" they are in, which they are not. It might be rough on her emotionally, and I think it's wonderful that you have the empathy for her situation and I agree that kindness doesn't hurt anything, but at the end of the day she can't control or prevent the relationship between you and BF. I would do what you've already thought about, making sure father & son get some alone time, and I would not push myself onto the scene with her until she is ready. It is very sad and difficult, but hopefully she will ---like all of us have had to at some point in our lives--- go on to recover from the breakup and be happy with or without another guy (but of course without your BF!)

[***= I am no expert on child support and how most courts/agreements view custodial parent's cars as a child-rearing expense, so somebody with more experience in this area than me should speak up about that]

I do think some of that is right, doodleboo. I do think that her distrust of BF and I has a lot to do with the anxiety of possibly being "left behind" - financially or emotionally by her son. Plus, she doesn't have her college education (I am blessed to have gotten mine) and I think that makes it harder for her to be a single mom. And she hasn't been financially responsible even before her pregnancy. And she used to use his family more...trying to hatch self-baked ideas for businesses and the like.

So is kindness just the way to go? Do I ever stick up for myself? Let time deal with it?

BF was single when she got pregnant, though she did apparently have a crush on him (he did not on her - not going to lie, he was wasted after a long night of drinking and dancing when it happened). I met him later, and we've been together strong for eight months. I know its not a super long time, but we are very committed to each other.

I appreciate everyone's responses. Sometimes its just nice to know that other people struggle around with blended family problems. I was always on the child side before.

I don't think there is anything you can actually do to "crack" her. Other than continue being a positive influence in her sons life, letting father and son have "special" time and giving her space as his Mom.

It's like any relationship really. It takes time. While your BF has gotten to know you on his own terms without BM knowing, she is just know getting used to the idea of you. While being her ex's girlfriend soon to be fiance? (if planning on marrying?) makes you an important part of her sons life, it also brings heavy scrutiny I'm afraid.

And on another note, this may be entirely a really unpopular opinion but it's mine and how I deal with my ex and his girlfriends...I don't really take any girlfriend seriously.

That sounds bad, but it is what it is until they are engaged. It's just a girlfriend, could come or go. At the same time, I really don't think the girlfriend should be heavily involved in step situations for that very reason. They could come or go.

Now, when has been engaged for a little bit, I will offer to meet and chat about step situations...but other than that..I just don't see the point. But that's entirely my situation and I know everyone is different.

Nivea, I liked your response. I completely stay out of any parenting issues with BF and BM...I just try to follow the rules as best I can, like a babysitter, though I realize its a bit more (it helps that both parents are raising him very well...he is very polite, affectionate and behaves as well as can be expected from a 2-year-old!). I do really enjoy the time I spend with BFDS. It is obvious that he feels closer to Mom, Dad, G-ma, G-pa...but I really enjoy being part of his life.

But your point is well made...right now, I am not legally part of his family. Does everyone think its OK that I spend time with him? How about alone time when BF needs a sitter (doesn't happen very often, only when BF cannot rearrange work schedule and GPs are not available). I don't want to be disrespectful of this situation. BF wants me to be around as much as possible, but I don't know that he would understand the delicate nature of this situation.

My advice is to be the best person you can be while, at the same time, treating yourself with respect. You can't "crack" her or force her to like or accept you. You can, however, establish that you have good manners and are a worthy person deserving of (and insisting upon) respectful treatment.

My instincts tell me that the BM is living a bit of an illusion. She's not married to her child's father, but he's always there providing financial and, maybe, emotional support. It's hard to be a single mother, especially without an education or a career. Now that you're in the picture, the hard reality of her situation is becoming clear. She's resisting reality and hoping that a chilly environment will scare you away. However, eventually your boyfriend will marry someone (probably you) and she will have to start sorting out her own life.

If your boyfriend is spending time solving her problems or being a shoulder to cry on, he'll have to stop and start setting some appropriate boundaries. He'll have to talk to his family about doing the same thing. She is the mother of his child and she deserves to be treated with respect. But, she's not a member of the family and it's not fair to her to prolong any fantasies in that regard.

Hey Lee, I'm glad you took it the way I meant it :) If that makes any sense.

I think you'll be fine, sounds like everyone is doing the best job the can...you can see the results in the little boy which is great.

About watching him, I think that is up to your boyfriend to decide. BM may or may not approve (which is something you and boyfriend may want to consider), but ultimately while son is in Dads care...Dad makes the rules. Maybe getting boyfriend a step family geared book so that he can see some of the issues?