Mother of Estranged Teenage Son
motherof2_2010
13 years ago
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popi_gw
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agomotherof2_2010
13 years agolast modified: 9 years agoRelated Discussions
Mothers of estranged children....part II
Comments (15)yoyobon, "That is a road better left untraveled." I don't understand what you meant by this other than you may feel that it will not help you to move forward and what you define as forward. "...there is nothing...NOTHING...that I can do today to change one moment of my history as a parent." No, you cannot change the past other than to understand it and to acknowledge what behaviors could have contributed to the situation in the present. I don't feel that is nothing. Deep understanding is beneficial. I would not dwell on how you cannot change the past, especially if you are contemplating letting her know of any regrets you may have. I basically don't understand why so many people get stuck here and recite this repeatedly. It sounds too much like they do not want to work on themselves or do the work necessary to make ammends--that point in the relationship where they have deep understanding of the issues. As to making amends, apologizing and expressing heartfelt regret, I also would only take that step after careful consideration as well. It needs to be a sincere effort, not a last resort bandaid to try to fix the situation. People know when it isn't sincere and when someone offers a non-apology, because they demonstrate cluelessness about what happened, stating that they don't understand. They cling to non-understanding in the role they played in the conflict. "I can offer my regrets and apologies...what good are they?" I disagree with the above statement. I think when they are sincere it can make an incredible difference. The problem as I see it as that they usually are not sincere and that there is no remorse or true understanding given. I've also had to learn and to practice grief for people who have died. I've done it for the living too--the new grief that you speak of. I believe that adult children who also estrange themselves do so with full acknowledgement that they are too mourning a loss. In fact, I can assure you that they do. They may just express it differently. "I like to believe that my daughter is better without all of us, her family...for whatever reasons." She may be for this period in her life feel like she is better off or at least feel more peaceful, despite it feeling hurtful for you to contemplate this. I don't know what is going on in her life and what stresses she is managing or coping with. Sometimes people in our lives deepen our burdens and cause more stress to us, even if it is unintended. They do so with their trying to help, when maybe one isn't asking for help. They harm in countless ways which they don't seem to understand. Your daughter sounds like she needs privacy and space and I would give it to her. Be generous with your heart to her and give her this. As for an apology there is the right time and place and it sounds from what you wrote above that she needs a lot of room and space. "Only she knows her true motivation for destroying each of us in the manner that she chose to do it." That is correct. Only she knows her true motivation. Maybe she tried to tell you something, which you couldn't hear. I don't know and saying that to you is not a judgement. Yes, you are not her and do not know what is in her heart. And you may feel hurt and lonely, but she has not destroyed you. If her husband is a narcissist as you describe then she will need you to forgive her. She will have to deal with it on her own or at least maybe she can find what it is that she will need to do without others burdening her heart with guilt, shame or their needs and opionions, whether they intentionally mean to hurt her or not. The best you can give to her would be non-judgement and unconditional love. You can still love your daughter and grandchildren with the full measure of your heart through understanding and generosity--give her time, space and privacy. Maybe what you can do for you now is to consider therapy for yourself. It may help you to cope with this process and grieveing and the pain that is in your heart. Some people don't like taking those steps, but I think it wise to take care of yourself. What you say will stay between you and the therapist and remain confidential, which I believe is a much healthier way for some people to address deep feelings of loss and emotional pain without other people's judgements or personal adgenda's. My in-laws and family members have not taken measures to make amends. It would have made a difference to me, especially if their had been some kind of deep understanding of the issues and if I had been able to have felt their sincerity. It makes a huge difference--it would have for me....See Moremothers of estranged son
Comments (6)First I would like to say that I'm very sorry to hear about your son and his illness. I'm sorry to hear about your estrangement and what you are facing. I'm certain you do fear rejection and I can fully understand why. With that said, I think a letter a good place to start, although I'm unsure what to offer as far as writing a letter, so I will offer you a website below which I find is very helpful for people who are experiencing or have experienced estrangement. Maybe start the letter by stating what you have here--that you are pleased, happy and proud and you find it comforting that he told you that he was happy. As for the website below, I would strongly urge you to take a look at it as it may help you and provide you with comfort and maybe even provide you with some inspiration to find the words to write your son. Good luck to you with this...you have my hearfelt understanding... Here is a link that might be useful: E-stranged...See MoreTeenage Son - Good Kid, but Signs of Trouble
Comments (26)Try starting with a clean slate. Your son is at an age of self accountability and should make decissions based on right or wrong, not on what his parents want. Of course parents want thier children to make the right decisions, so please don't take that the wrong way. My suggestion is you sit him down and tell him all the good things you have told us about him, let him know what a bright individual you think he is and that you know he wants to be trusted. Tell him right now he has lost some or all of you and your husbands trust due to his recent action. Tell him you want to give him the opportunity to earn that trust back and you are wiping the slat clean and starting fresh to give him the opportunity to earn your trust back. Explain that he has chores because he is part of your family and in every family every one has to take part in chores so it is not left to just mom and dad to work and do all of the house work. Besides next year he will be 18 years old and can get a place of his own, then he will have to do ALL the housework with no one to split the duties with. Tell him you are giving him an opportunity to regain your trust by allowing him to start fresh. Lay down your rules again, but this time in writing and have him sign the agreement stating he understands your rules and is willing to abide by them as long as he lives in your household. In return he will experience more freedom by regaining your trust through making good decisions for himself. Put the ball in his field. He is after all 17, one more year and he can live on his own, he needs to be treated more like an adult then a juvenile. Concequences for adult decisions can be far more drastic then what you can hand out. Once he lives on his own, he will make the decisions for his own household and his outlook will be different. For him to only now, at 17, to be acting out, he has done better then most teens who have acted out at a much earlier age. Much credit to you both as parents. He may be struggling between teenage and adult years in his own mind. It's just a suggestion, toss it if you don't agree....See Moremothers estranged from their adult children
Comments (2)ms500 - I hate to hear you are having such a hard time. I too am divorced - my ex wanted to devote 24-7 to building his own business and didn't want the responsibilities of a family to hold him down. This after almost 17 years of living our life around that business which included losing almost everything, including our home. It always came first and so I shouldn't have been surprised when he said he wanted out. I look back now and realize what a doormat I had become and now that my oldest son had tossed me aside, I don't know why I am surprised. He learned from his dad to put everything above family and if family gets in the way just walk away. I asked my counselor why, what I did - provide a loving and supportive home, be the nurturer and the disciplinarian, and not leave, did not influence him as much as what his dad did. His answer was - my son knows where his rock is when he needed someone. He knew who he could rely and he has no reason to believe you will not always be there. On the other hand - he doesn't have that with his dad and therefore will not push him or take him for granted because he doesn't trust him as much. I still remember people telling me that the payoff for raising kids came when they were older and understand what it is to be a parent. So yes I feel cheated in more ways than one. My ex who wanted more than his family is the one that gets to enjoy his family. What is fair about that. Yet I believe that in time you reap what you sow. I know what I have sown and what I am experienceing now is not my reward. I believe the same for you. For some reason they seem to be in denial of the neglect and abuse you took on their behalf because of their dad. Have faith and hope that in time you will be rewarded for your effort. I can say "that" even though I have never even met my only grandchild - because I believe someone greater than me is in control. Good luck and best wishes....See Moresirens
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