"By the time you reach my age, it is quite likely that your doctor and your dentist will be younger than you are." That's true, but they're also not children, they're adults, so your analogy is poor here.
"Adults have more knowledge and experience than children....children should pay attention because their parents are more experienced, not because they are adults." Kind of a circular argument. If, by your definition, adults have more experience than children, and children should pay attention to experienced people, then children should pay attention to adults.
While I agree that both adults and children should treat each other with respect (note, I did NOT say "should respect each other"), as Ceph says, in a home there is a heirarchy, and as people with neither experience or wisdom, or economic independence, children are low man on the totem pole. My daughter must have got tired of hearing "this is not a democracy" when she didn't get her own way, but now at age 23 she appreciates her upbringing :-). Now she knows she didn't "know it all" like she thought when she was a teen :-)
I don't expect children to be obedient little robots (which is not good for anyone) but rudeness and smart mouthing are not acceptable in either direction- children to adults or vice versa.

Everyone is human. Everyone deserves respect.

With that said, I've taught my child to respect adults as long as they respect her. Probably not very popular, but I can rest assured that she is not just being "nice" like so many little girls are taught to do and then run the risk of being abused.

The whole phenomenon of being "nice" at all costs is such a dangerous position (IMO) to take.

We've also come into an age where the parent bullies are just as common as the child bullies.

So no. My daughter is not being taught to be "nice" to everyone. She is not even taught to be respectful of everyone, I don't care what their age or size is.

She has been taught what is respectful behavior on her behalf and on others. She has been taught what is not acceptable on her behalf and on others. And she has been taught what to do when someone in a position of authority is not respecting her.

Collen, I see a lot of language here from SMs toward SC that is not very nice.

and vise versa, don'tcha think?

Ima said: "But, at the same time, BM reminds SD that I am not her mom so she doesn't really have to listen to me... just her dad."

I was lucky enough that A__ has only tried "I don't have to listen to you because you're not my mom" ONCE.
I promptly replied "That's a very good point. I'm not your mom, so you don't have to listen to me. But, because I'm not your mom, I don't have to do any of the things I do for you. You don't have to listen to me, and I don't have to make your meals, take you places, do fun things with you, buy you anything. Still want to not listen to me because I'm not your mom?"
"Uh, no... I think I can listen to you."

The most mature way to deal with what he said? Probably not.
Highly effective? Absolutely!

KKNY, I also see a lot of gratuitious slamming of SMs that is not only not nice, it is often off topic as well.

JNM, on this board, I have only seen comments by Stepchildren that are kind and caring.

Colleen -- people go off topic all the time, but it seems to be you and Ima who complain when moms do, but not SMs. Give me a break, its a blog.

As have I, KK. But I guessed you missed those where SM's were slammed and belittled.
What stands out to me the most is the amount of SM's who are posting of the love, time and devotion they give to their SK's. In a climate where many, yourself apparently included, believe steps to be selfish and uncaring, shouldn't these individuals be praised and supported for standing out above the pack? Should they not be given the opportunity to be 'heard' on their own merit, and not as one of the selfish masses?

I really think most sm's on here are very caring and kind. Off the top of my head I can not think of any of the regular posters who do not show love and compassion for their skids in their posts. Of course there are complaints in some of the posts....this is a forum that allows for advice to be shared and venting to occur. Even bio parents have frustration with their kids so why wouldn't stepparents have frustrations as well?

I can think of several regular posters who are not what I would consider caring or kind.

I do not know any mothers in real life who would cook their child's favorite foods and then not allow him to have any of it in order to punish him.

I don't know any mothers in real life who read their children's diaries.

I don't know any mothers in real life who want their children to join the military, not when we are in the middle of a war.

I don't know any mothers in real life who would even consider kicking their children out of their house. Even my exH's current wife did not do that to her child.

I do know a mother who felt guilty when she decided not to pay for her daughter's graduate school, after incurring something like 80K in debt for her kids' undergraduate education.

I do know a mother who went back to work in order for her daughter to afford graduate school.

I do know parents who give their children the down payment on their first house.

I do know parents who take care of their grandchildren several days a week for free so their kids can work.

Well different people do different things based on their circumstances.

I do not recall the food issue mentioned.

As for diaries sometimes people look to get insight on what a troubled child is thinking.

And as for the military, well some people look at those children as heroes for joining in a time of war. Those soldiers are fighting for freedoms you and I enjoy.

And sometimes you have to show your child tough love and make them leave home and stand on their own two feet if they are not doing anything with their lives at home. If one of your children was over 18 and living at home, not working, and spending their days sleeping and doing drugs/drinking alcohol you may decide they need to leave your home if they will not accept help and change their lives. You may really have issues with this if you had younger children at home who were being influenced by this bad behavior.

There are postings here of SMs reading emails from child to parent. No excuse for that.

I do recall the food issue.

Yes, I want to raise my child to be selfsufficient. I beleive that means college. Vast differences of opinion on that here.

I'm very proud of my son for joining the military. He joined against my wishes but he is 21 years old and he made his own mind up and I'm proud that he is brave enough to do what he wants, even in time of war. My nephew joined two years ago and is currently in Iraq. I worry about him constantly and often wondered how his mother (my sister in law) was able to handle it, I didn't think I'd be able to if it were my son. Then, my son joined and while I don't want to think of the harm that could come to him, I am very proud of him and I don't know how any mother could not be proud of their child.

The food issue, if directed at me because I let my husband make his daughter's breakfast instead of serving her what I was having because she was being rude and ignoring me on purpose, well her dad is home and he is responsible for her when he is home (as biomoms on here have pointed out many times) and it wasn't punishment. Her dad had Cherrios with her. He didn't like what I was having... and it isn't her favorite food. I don't think I've ever made her favorite without giving her some. She loves all my cooking and her dad can't cook at all, so of course she gets upset if he has to fix her food. Her mom can't cook at all either so it must be a punishment when she has to go there and eat cold cereal?

Wow KKNY, so nice of you to post a response for TOS.

I want my kids to be self sufficient and go to college as well. To me college is very important. Even if they end up in a career that they do not use their degree at least they will have it to fall back on.

But other people have had kids that refuse to go to college or be self-sufficient by even cooking for themselves or cleaning up behind themselves when they are legally an adult. What is a parent to do then?? Just let the child live under their roof, be rude to them, and sponge off them??

The children of virtually all my friends, co-workers, and neighbors have or are planning to go to college. The few that did not attended some kind of post-secondary training in a skilled trade.

Compared to my friends, coworkers, and neighbors, I feel positively stingy with my kids. Apparently I live in an entirely different universe than the stepmothers here. My universe is very child-centered. In my universe, almost everyone is married to their first husband. I have about 15 or so middle-aged female coworkers, and all but two are married to their first husbands. Everyone's lives revolve around their children and grandchildren.

Apparently I live in an entirely different universe than the stepmothers here.

You probably do. We all tend to live in universes where people are a lot like ourselves. There are a lot of reasons for it, from intentionally avoiding people we find unpleasant, to the fact that simply by having the jobs we have, living in the neighborhoods we live in, and participating in the churches, charities, or social activities we enjoy or value, we naturally come into regular contact with other people who share the same interests and values a lot more than we have contact with people who don't. It's called homophily.

TOS,

What town do you live in? It must just be a dream! All children are successful! Let me guess....there is NO crime in your area and nobody has ever been exposed to drugs? Do they even need law enforcement in your area??

And does your idea of child-centered mean that you have lots of quality time with your kids? Because from other posts I was left with the feeling that your children talked to you with little respect and did as they pleased staying out till all hours. I also got from your posts that nannys were left raising children in your universe while their "professional" parents worked 50+ hours a week.

TOS,

I live in a town like yours.

And there are a lot of nannys here in my town, which yes, people here have dumped on me for. Even though I dont think people in my town have abdicated child care to the nannies.

I just find the double standard on here quite amusing.

According to some its okay for a single mom to let a nanny(or similar) to take care of her child all hours. But it is not okay for a father to let his wife take care of his children while he works??

Mom2emall,

Both my X and I agreed on any choice of nannies, etc., and on limitation of her duties. We have never allowed nannies to attend parent/teacher conferences or meetings with doctors, or to make any critical decisions. An aupair has driven my DD places and helped out otherwise.

I dont think it is a double standard, it is a decision making issue.

"I dont think it is a double standard, it is a decision making issue."

and some moms decide to limit their own involvement & duties to their own children. If my SD's mom makes a decision to move away, give up custody, not attend parent teacher conferences or take her daughter to the doctor, she pretty much has no say in whether my husband allows me to do those things. She chooses to delegate parental duty to my husband, he can ask me, a neighbor, a friend, or a nanny to do whatever he wants to. Just because you choose to limit your nannies duties, does not mean that all moms do. That's your right as a parent to decide that. When SD is with her mom, her mom doesn't call DH to ask him if SD can stay over at her BF's parents house, nor does she ask his consent to have her BF or his parents to make 'parental' type decisions. BM's BF took SD riding on a motorcycle without asking DH if it was okay or even what he thought of it. Not everything has to be a joint decision in all families. You and your ex may choose to, not all parents do.

I find it interesting that each 'real life' example TOS gave demonstrating a real mom's love related to money. Last time I checked, spending money does not love make.

Well JNM, if you have not noticed everything in TOS's life has to do with money. When you live in a "universe" like hers I do believe it centers more around $$ than children, as she claims.

Remember the only reason her dh left her was because he was depressed about $$ and TOW had plenty of it.

I think responsiblity about money and providing for children, especially for their education is caring for them.

"I think responsiblity about money and providing for children, especially for their education is caring for them."

Then my SD's mom must not care at all for her daughters!

I am with you on that one IMA!! My skids bm has bought nothing for them in about a year, nor has she sent any money here to help pay for anything (not even school registration fees).

kkny...did you really post that you have only read comments from step children that are kind and caring? Are you absolutely certain of this?

As a father and a stepfather, I feel that respect begins at home. It's important for the parents to set a good example in how they treat each other.

I think that having a child respect household rules and common courtesy does a lot to promote a good family environment.

I want my children and stepchildren to realize their full potential in life. I believe that they can do this by paying attention in class and doing their homework.

In addition to the parents, the teacher is an authority figure. So, by doing what is asked of them in class, the kids are showing respect.

If childeren don't respect their parents or teachers, then they might not get the guidance they need in life to make good choices.

I think that one of the most important things that parents can do is teach a child to respect herself or himself.

"I think responsibility about money and providing for children, especially for their education is caring for them."

Of course this is one of MANY components to caring for a child, but it is not the whole package, and it certainly doesn't have to equate to love. You would then have to state that mothers living in the dirt in Darfur do not love their children as they do not have the means to financially provide for them.

I know a few people who employ au-pairs, but most of my friends and co-workers work part-time, even the ones whose kids have graduated.

It is true, as quirk pointed out, that most of my acquaintances and co-workers live in neighborhoods sort of like mine and have similar educational backgrounds, because these are the people I meet through my children's schools and activities and through work and volunteering. And yes, the crime rate is very low where I live, which is one reason I live here.

mom2emall,

No, lack of money was only one thing factoring into my exH's depression - the major factor was the murder of a young relative. My exH had no intention of leaving the family before that point in time (he, himself, told me that after he left).

I think respect goes both ways, and showing respect for children is important. Many children of divorce are angry. THEIR lives have been turned upside down. What if YOU had to move back and forth every week.

Look at the views here. If stepchild doesnt say hello, bad child. But OK for SM to refer to SD as bridezilla. Not in my book.

Jeez you're good at twisting around anything a poster says to "prove" your point, kkny. ONE person complained of his SD not saying hello, and was thoroughly told he was out of line. ONE person said she jokingly referred to SD as "bridezilla", noting that she has a special relationship with this girl and knew she would take the remark as the joke it was meant to be, which she did. All agreed that this was not a remark one would normally make. A statistical sample of one just isn't valid.

Colleen, I commented about a SM calling a SD a bridezilla, here (not jokingly) and everyone stood up for SM

I have heard many comments here re stepchildren not saying hellow.

"and everyone stood up for SM"

I did, huh? Please refresh my memory as to how I did that?

I didn't see 'everyone' defend SM. I believe I said the tone of voice and the way it was said or intended would make a difference on how the bride would take it. If the bride didn't hear the comment, that is also different than if SM says it to her in a denigrating way. There's no way to say if the SM denigrated the bride in public, the only information was given by a biased third party. I also pointed out that it was ironic that SM is being accused of not caring for SD's feelings after losing her mom, but by dad remarrying so soon after mom died, he may have disregarded SD's feelings which is a bigger deal to me than a comment a virtual stranger makes outside her presences... well, that issue was ignored. I don't think a comment made by a person that married an adult child's parent should much more importance than a stranger. If my mom got married to a guy she meets now that I'm an adult and I don't live with them. and if he makes a rude comment about me, I wouldn't think much more of his opinion than a stranger walking down the street saying it to me. He's not my stepfather (well, maybe technically, but he didn't and never will have a hand in raising me), but he is my mother's husband. I might value HER opinion and if she agreed with his comment, I might be upset. Sure, it may affect whether I like him or respect him, but when you are in an adult-adult relationship, it is not the same as say a step parent making the same comment about a minor child that maybe HAS to have a relationship with the step parent in order to maintain a relationship with their bio parent. (either because they live with them or they visit and not getting along with a step parent is probably one of the biggest reasons kids stop living with or visiting their parent) As an adult, I can arrange to see my mom away from her husband if I don't like him or I would be cordial in order to see my mom in their home. (of course, my mom isn't married and probably never will get married again)

But, I guess the point is that I didn't see that "everyone stood up for SM" If my comments were interpreted as standing up for stepmom (and that wasn't my intent) then does that make me 'everyone'?

My comments here won't be included in the original discussion named "Children and Adults" because I do not want to be any part of it.

What I see that began as an interesting discussion of parenting styles dealing with respect, is full of name calling, sarcasm and innuendos. I read that all of you believe that RESPECT is an important virtue and yet ...

... most of you are very DISrespectful towards each other.

I think this discussion is one where it's best to be silent rather than get involved in battling each other. It's probably best to "agree to disagree." And avoid the trolls.

Kathy in Washington

Ima, I beleive others did too. And the comment was not said jokingly. And I live in a small community. I doubt the SMs comment changed anyone's opinion re the SD. It might have changed peoples opinion re the SM.

There are postings here of SMs reading emails from child to parent. No excuse for that.

Well I disagree. In our house parents have full access to the email accounts of all the children and we read them and they not only know it- they agreed to it as a condition of having email- granted they are young. When they are older I'll drop that practice. Because of this BM and skids came up with a new "secret" email which was left open one day and I read it. BM instructed SS to lie to BD about specific incidents that happened, where she actually was the week of school vacation (who cares where she is), asked him to lie about where they were going for vacation in the summer (she said camping local-they were actually driving to a state 20 hours away) and on top of all of that she refered to BD-DH by his first name and their SF as Dad.

I printed off a copy for the GAL who called BM...Do you refer to stepdad as DAD- oh no we never do that...Are you planning to drive out of state this summer...Oh no we are camping locally.....The GAL's report recommended that DH/BD get custody.....

Now I ask you which is worse--- reading emails that are left open OR setting up secret accounts and forcing children to tell lies to the other parent and keep secrets.

It is difficult to teach respect to children when other adults in their life don't even know the meaning of the word.

"If childeren don't respect their parents or teachers, then they might not get the guidance they need in life to make good choices."

I agree. We DESPISE the girls teacher. She is a piss poor one for sure. She is archaic, mean spirited and overly critical. We STILL tell the girls they are to listen to her and do as she says. She is the teacher and an adult. Period. We will handle any "wrong doings" on her part rest be assured but to tell a child they do not have to listen to adults is only a jumping off point for anarchy.

A five year old child does not have the sense to know what being respected is. Neither does a fifteen year old for that matter. There is much room for interpretation. To a fifteen year old not being allowed to stay out late,play the X-box till 3 in the morning or smoke cigs if they want might be interpreted as not being "respected". Giving a child the option to respect adults based only on how they "feel" they are respected is opening a huge can of worms. Some children do not have the maturity to distinguish respect from getting their way. There has to be a base line of order and there will ALWAYS be authority. As children authority figures are parents, teachers, coaches and principals. As adults they are politicians, bosses, judges, law enforcement. We have to listen to people we do not like through out our entire lives....It doesn't end once you become an adult. The authority figures just become bigger, scarier and more un-wavering.

I believe we as adults should lead by example in the way we treat ALL people. I do NOT believe however that a child has the right to not listen to an adult just because they do not like them. Keep in mind that listening to and respecting is also two different things entirely.

You may not "respect" the police man giving you a ticket but just try to pull off while he's talking to you and see what happens......that's life.

"I can think of several regular posters who are not what I would consider caring or kind. "

I can think of one or two.

"I do not know any mothers in real life who would cook their child's favorite foods and then not allow him to have any of it in order to punish him."

If BS or SS's complained about what I was cooking in "real life" they were told to not eat it and make their own food. Problem solved.

"I don't know any mothers in real life who read their children's diaries."

After my DS's best friend shot and killed himself in "real life" at 17, you BET I read my sons diary for months afterwards & I do not regret it one bit! It gave me insight into how he was dealing with such a hardcore thing and how he blamed himself for driving him home after school that day and then 10 minutes later his friend took his own life with no warning or signs to my DS. I read his personal journal over and over again (without his permission) I was petrified he would do the same out of grief.

"I don't know any mothers in real life who want their children to join the military, not when we are in the middle of a war."

My SIL, her son has no direction and has been involved in petty crime and trouble. refuses to finish high school, get a GED or a job. His father died 2 yr.s ago and the kid has been in trouble ever since. She has out of sheer hope and desperation encouraged him to join the military and I don't blame her. She has tried everything else with this young man. Military may be the best option for him. She is hopeful he will do this, even in the middle of a war, in "real life".

"I don't know any mothers in real life who would even consider kicking their children out of their house. Even my exH's current wife did not do that to her child."

Me again! kicked my DS out of the house after he blew his 1st yr academic scholarship on partying and coming home at 3 am. Hardest thing I've had to do and the best thing I could have done for him. He's doing fabulous now and we have a great relationship in "real life".

"I do know a mother who felt guilty when she decided not to pay for her daughter's graduate school, after incurring something like 80K in debt for her kids' undergraduate education."

I refused to pay for DS's college after he blew his tuition, he had to SHOW me he was serious and do it own his own for a year first. Done. Now he values his education as much as I do. I'm not paying for college if the kid isn't going to take it seriously, apply themselves and appreciate the opportunity. But not every parent has the financial ability to do this. That's why they have student loans in "real life".

"I do know a mother who went back to work in order for her daughter to afford graduate school."

Not paying for anyones Grad school but mine! I'll pay for the 4 yr degree, after that they are on there own. BS or SS's. Also they have until they are 30 to finish or go to university or a trade school. Use it or lose it. And I don't feel guilty one bit here in "real life".

"I do know parents who give their children the down payment on their first house."

We have done this several times, and even paid mortgages due to bad financial decisions. It's not always a good thing to do in "real life".

"I do know parents who take care of their grandchildren several days a week for free so their kids can work."

Lot's of people do this, it's not really a big deal. My SS's BM CHARGES him to watch her G-son. I do not charge o babysit my G-son, even when I am volunteered without being consulted here in "real life".

Lot's of Mothers in "real life" are faced with daunting challenges and would probably do lots of things YOU wouldn't dream of in "real life".

Doesn't make them right or wrong-just HUMAN. The one thing we all have in common here in "real life", Lol.

I believe in teaching by example. and mutual respect.

TOS said: "I do not know any mothers in real life who would cook their child's favorite foods and then not allow him to have any of it in order to punish him.

I don't know any mothers in real life who read their children's diaries. "

I asbolutelly 100% agree with TOS on this. i actually do not know any adult, not just a mother.

i was petrified when I have read about anyone cooking favorite food enjoying it in child's presence and not offering it to a child. I am serious that when I have read it I had my eys getting wet. i imagine anyone treating my DD this way. I imagine myself sitting in front of her and eating her favorite food and not offering it to her just because she did not say "good morning". Never. And there were times when DD was moody and didn't say "hello".

And frankly neither of DD's SMs would do anything of the sort. If they would try, X would kick their butts. No one should treat children this way. Ouch. It is like mocking them. At least don't do it in front of them. Not very kind...

and then people are suprised kids show no repsct. duh...

reading diaries is beyond horrible. won't even talk about that...

I'm sure that I am the one KKNY was referring to when she said "There are postings here of SMs reading emails from child to parent. No excuse for that." In typical KKNY fashion, she did not understand what was said and just made up her own assumptions. What I said was (I tried to and couldn't find the thread) that FDH checks FSD's e-mail. NOT ME! So quit mis-quoting me, KKNY.

Anyway, NGE, our situation with the e-mail was almost exactly the same as yours. FDH set her up with the condition that she was to give both parents her passwords. FDH would scan through her incoming and outgoing every once-in-a-while just to make sure there was no sexual content or what have you. Well there was an e-mail from BM basically saying how great it was going to be when they moved and blah, blah, blah. We knew that they were talking about taking jobs in another state, but they wouldn't give us any other information. So then we found out in other e-mails that BM was telling FSD to lie to us about moving so that FDH wouldn't file custody papers and steal her away from BM. So, yeah, he felt justified. FSD lied straight to his face and BM advocated it.

Yes, there ARE excuses for reading e-mails. FSD lied and BM not only advocated it but TOLD her to do it. And it wasn't something small, either. Moving someone's child out of state and not telling them until it's too late to take action is a BIG thing.

If FSD knows the condition of having her own e-mail address is that FDH and BM get the password, and agrees to it, then it was not disrespectful of FDH to read her e-mail. What was disrespectful was BM telling her to lie. What was disrespectful was FSD lying to her father who has done nothing but be there for her and was hurting that he was going to lose yet another child.

BTW, the whole e-mail situation did not ever once involve me and I never once involved myself.

cat, there is a big difference in telling grown SKs to cook their own food and cook nice meal and eat alone in front of young child just because child didn't say good morning or rolled her eyes. punishment does not match the crime. you cannot punish bad behavior wiht even worse behavior. It is just unkind, you cannot teach much with unkindness. it will only perpetuates mean behavior in children, when they see adults being mean. this is just my opinion. but I would not ever treat any child this way. even a neighbour child, let alone a realtive. I am not talking about grown people here.

ashley many SMs said they read letters, emails, diaries, textmessages, etc of their stepkids (and probably biokids as well). I don't think it was you per se.

I have never read anything that DD wrote unless she showed it to me. neither did X. She grew up a responsible adult who is very close to both of her parents. she is not perfect but we are pleased the way she turned out so far. believe me it could be done without reading their correspondence even if the other parent is not being nice or lying. two wrongs does not make it right. Just my very firm opinion.

I know bio mothers in intact families who read their daughters diary. It doesnt make it any less wrong.

Privacy issues arent step family or non step family related.

You reap what you sow with children, and if you snoop, expect to raise a snooper. If you are sarcastic, expect sarcasm. If you think someone is an annoying piece of work, expect them to think you are annoying.

Most of the step moms who post on this forum are genuinely concerned about their families. Yes, many of them have a chip on their shoulder about the biomom, and blame problems on her, which may, or may not be fair. But overall most of the stepmoms do care about their stepkids and want to do the right thing by them

There are a few stepmoms who post here that have made it obvious they dislike their stepchild, and have ever since the first time they met the child. They consider the problems in their home to be the stepchilds behaviour and although they are quick to point the finger at the bio mom for causing the child to act that way, they are clear that the child p*sses them off. THeir reactions are obviously annoyed at the child, and then peripherally at the biomom. They are incapable of separating the childs actions from the actions of the biomom. A very few of these posters are regular posters. I see nothing but trouble ahead for the marriages and/or family relationships of these posters. In my opinion, either their marriage will fail down the road because of the blatant dislike they show toward their stepchild, or the stepchild will at some point become alienated from their father and refuse to visit or talk to the father, because the child cant stand the stepparent.

There are also a few posters who seem to see only the bad in their stepchild, and only the good in their own child. I think that it is more or less common in life to hold other peoples children to a higher standard than our own. Think of the relatives and neighbours around you. Most of us can easily see the problems with their kids, right? But love tints our vision of our own children. This is also a problem with bio dads who see only the good in their children, and stepmom sees the problems, and cant get dad to accept that the problem exists - also a reoccuring theme in the posts on this forum

You cant force love, and you cant force good feelings. If they arent there, its hard to achieve harmony in a home. But adults should be the ones biting their tongue and giving the most. Expecting the kid to be the bridge builder isnt going to solve anything.

You cant force love, and you cant force good feelings

AMEN

Not to beat a dead horse, but we recently had an ASD admitting to reading her SM's diary. Some of us understood her reasoning for it and others gave her the business for it - most often shades of gray prevail - not much is ever black or white.

Snooping is not snooping when all parties are knowledgable and agreed upon.

Like I said I read my sons journal/diary for quite some time. Extenuating circumstances, he was so grief stricken that he could not deal. I'm glad I did, what I read there was scary, he was having suicidal thoughts including and up to various plans of action and it allowed me to bring it to the attention of the counselor and get him the help he needed.

Yes, I snooped, if it's beyond horrible then I guess we will have to agree to disagree because it was something life threatening that he was not sharing with the counselor. I would have been much more horrified had I found it AFTER he did something than snooped before.

So I am GLAD I snooped & I'd do it again under these circumstances. Now just snooping for snoopings sake, no I wouldn't do that.