Same.

My dad remarried when my son was three and I was pregnant with my daughter (both kids are twenty-somethings now). The woman he married was a wonderful grandmother to them, and we fully embraced her -as in, we didn't present her to the kiddoes any differently than any grandparent. It never occurred to us that that marriage would break up just a few years later, and yeah, it got difficult very quickly. She'd been so good to my kids that when we visited my dad once a year or so in Florida, I took an extra few days to trek to her house a few hours away and visited her. That caused ridiculous hurt feelings. We learned a good lesson from that, and I vowed to never again put my kids in that position.

I also think calling your in-laws mom and dad is odd. My MIL refers to herself and FIL as mom and dad. She also signs cards this way. I call them by first name and think she's ok with that. I'm not offended but I don't get it because it doesn't make sense to me. Goes back to if she were my mom then my husband would be my brother and that's not good!

My mother died when I was 29. My father remarried a few years later. I also never considered her to be my stepmother. I always called her by her first name. My kids, did, too, even though they were tiny at the time. They never called her grandma and I don't think they ever wanted to. I do think she told my youngest DD that she could call her grandma if she wanted to...DD didn't want to! I had a somewhat strained relationship with her and though she was good to my kids, they knew she wasn't very nice to me (they sensed it -- I never said anything out loud about it) and I am sure that's partly why they didn't want to call her grandma. She passed away several years ago so, no longer an issue.

I never called my in-laws mom and dad either. Like Shee said, they signed their cards as mom and dad, but I had noted that DH's older siblings' spouses didn't call them mom and dad, so I followed the system already established!

I absolutely never called my father's second wife anything but "my father's wife." I was 30 when my parents divorced. She was four months younger than me (and five years younger than my older sister) and very much the reason for the divorce. Of course, my dad was equally if not more responsible. I would have liked to call her Mom just to get under her skin, but I didn't and had very little relation with her, only what was unavoidable.

I could never call anyone Mom or Dad except my parents. I called my MIL Grandma because that's what my kids called her or by her first name.

I agree with you but then I also think we throw around those parental labels all too casually. I would be DEVASTATED if my offspring ever called someone else "mother". Because adults can't get along, divorce and remarry gives no other adult the right to the name "mother" just because. I have too many very dear friends who have had to endure this pain. Father's that INSIST their children call the newest wife "mom". I don't care how old people are when they divorce that term is earned through YEARS if not by blood.

My father's mother passed away soon after he married Mother, and my grandfather remarried, so we kids (4 of us) never knew Dad's mother. Everyone called her "Billie", but we kids would still also use "Grandmother" as in going to Grandmother's house or to her church's picnic. It was interchangeable with "Billie". We had no other Grandmother, since my Mother's mother died when Mother was 8.

I never called my MIL anything! We never discussed it ahead of time. My parents had moved to Florida, and DH never called them anything either.

MIl passed away early in my marriage. Mine about ten-15 years after that. It never became an issue.

My dad remarried some 20+ years ago. I have referred to her as my dad’s wife.

He recently passed away and now I describe her as “no one brought her casseroles”.

I’m on my third mother in law! I called DH’s mom “Mom”. The second wife had been best friends with my FIL’s sister since elementary school, and hubby and the rest of the kids in his generation grew up calling her “Aunt B”. I always just called her by her first name. DFIL met the third wife a couple of years ago in his retirement community, so she’s new to all of us. :) And we all just call her by her name. I don’t think she has any expectation to be considered Mom to three kids who are 57, 58 and 64!

Donna

My brother remarried when his kids were in their late teens. They only ever called his new wife by her first name but all their kids were born long after the marriage and call her grandma. They call my brothers first wife a different name for "grandma". (I can't remember what it is)

My MIL wanted me to call her mom.....uh no. I have a mom. I call her Mrs. ____We ha ve a very poor relationship and the wanting me to call her mom was an effort to usurp my own mother. (my father couldn't stand my MIL)

My son is recently engaged and it would never dawn on me to have my future DIL call me mom. She's always called me by my first name and I assume that will continue.

DH's parents divorced in the early 70's and both remarried, so DH has step-parents that he has always referred to by first name. My inlaws all go by their first name, whether with a 'step' or not.

DH's mom passed away a few years ago and his step-dad later remarried. None of us have quite figured out what the relationship of a step-step is called (first names for the win).

My mom’s significant other of 15 years or so has always just been called by his first name. I have never met his kids and I don’t really feel the need to. We may meet if they ever marry (but that’s a whole different story.... mom wears a ring and says she’ll marry him, but has told me that she never wants to get married again. Even though he has stated how much he just wants to be married to her...). Anyway....

It gets tricky with my kids. He has a grandchild from his son and loves being a grandpa. So now he and my mom try to refer to themselves as Grandma and Papa to my kids. Nope! If you (my mom) can’t commit to him and call him husband, DO NOT expect me to force my kids to call him Papa. We refer to them as Grandma and Paul (not his name). When kids get cards signed “Grandma and Papa” it is confusing to them, and angering to me!

If they ever marry, he will still be Paul to me. I would refer to them as my mom and her husband (not my step-dad).

As a counterpoint, my grandmother died in her 50s. I didn’t know her well but she was a great lady and mom by all reports. My taciturn grandfather shocked us all, courted and remarried in his 60s an extremely intelligent and classy lady. His wife slowly but surely became part of our family. It was our family that took care of both her and my grandfather as they aged. I taught her how to use a computer in her 70s. She started signing herself “grandma” Beth in jest. After my grandfather’s dementia progressed and he moved into a long care home, we maintained our role of taking care of her (she was mentally sharp but in her 80s, didn’t drive). And she kept visiting granddad constantly even after he had no remaining spark of personality. When my grandfathers both passed in their 90s she was my only remaining grandparent and we called her grandma Beth for real. In fact even my father started calling her “my mother” to outsiders as shorthand. After 30 years it seemed right.

by the way this lady’s daughter moved home in literally her final year and almost immediately started complaining of caregiver stress after my parents had taken care of her for at least 20 years!! The nerve. And caregiving meant visiting her mom in the palliative care unit of the hospital.

I have always called my stepmother by her name, I was 19 when my dad married her. My kids called her grandma and my mother grandma, never had a problem with it.

aww, Robo, you are such a good egg. Actually sounds like a whole family of good eggs. : )

When I grow up, i want to be a Canadian.

Interesting, robo. My dad's mother died when I was a baby and his father remarried, but his second wife was always known only by her first name to everyone in our family, which is notable, since I called her "Eleanor" as a child, although generally we were so formal that if today I were to run into our next door neighbors who were probably my parents' best friends, I would still call them Mr. and Mrs. Neighborname, even in my 60s. I certainly still called them that the last time I saw them, in my late 40s.

Calling a step-parent Mom or Dad is hard enough when you are a child. I cannot imagine calling a step parent such a name as an adult. Of course the person is your parent's spouse, not your step-parent.

Interesting question. If you don't think of your parent's second husband/wife as your stepfather/mother or your M/F-in-law as "mom" or "dad", would you be offended if they didn't think of/call you "daughter-" or "son"-in-law? My MIL/FIL never invited me to call them anything, which was very uncomfortable.

Mtn - When are any of us going to grow up? Not me. No, never.

I wouldn't expect a remarried spouse to consider me a step-child if he/she remarried when I was no longer a child.

For in-laws, it's a different matter. I am always Mrs. MyFamilyName with my children's friends. I have no idea of what point I would invite a girl friend to call me something more familiar. Hmmm .... I so resisted being called Mrs. My mother convinced me that was the right thing to do and I am glad she did. The next phase is still out of focus for me, but coming soon.

Delilah, that's an interesting perspective. I know L and my mom refer to each others kids & grands to their friends and associates as their 'kids' or 'grands' without making the distinction, but at least to me & my sibs, it's L's daughters. He definitely considers us to be his children and grands. She has lately been referring to herself as Grandma to L's grands when she speaks to us too.

As to my in-laws-I always called my late FIL by his first name. DH's late mom I called by a nickname I had for her but in her later years I called her Mom, her husband (she'd been divorced from DH's Dad for decades) was always referred by his first name-actually we referred to him by his surname since he and DH's brother shared a first name.

This is one of the reasons that I feel divorce is so much more than ending a marriage. So stressful on so many levels that I never even thought about when I divorced. I'm so lucky that I never had to deal with my parents getting a divorce! I don't even know if I could have handled it! Our family is so close! My family did not know how to deal with MY divorce at all. They lost a "brother", a "son", an "uncle" in their minds. Sent the whole family into turmoil for a long time!

My experience with it is coming into my husband's family already old. It is hard to think of my husband's family is being MY family. I refer to my nieces and nephews as "my husband's niece" or "my husband's nephew" never "my niece" or "my nephew". I'm very lucky that when I divorced, I didn't have to deal with my own children dealing with it. I never had any kids...still very stressful even without kids! I wouldn't wish a divorce on my worst enemy really! The single most stressful thing that has ever happened in my life...even worse than deaths!

My best friend married a man with two teens that never accepted her. She did not break up any marriage, they were already divorce when they began dating. But still, after 25 plus years of marriage, they still don't want to think of their father being married to anyone other than their mother. His kids have their own children now and they do not even allow their kids to call her Grandmother even though she was married to him way before they were even born. I think it's hurtful to deny their kids of having a grandmother. It's like they are trying to punish my friend, but she didn't do anything wrong. Her husband's EX was having an affair, that is why they divorced, yet they somehow blame my friend? Screwed up situation!

At my wedding rehearsel dinner, I said to my in-laws “Let’s get this awkward what should I call you thing out of the way. How about I call you Dick and Jane?” My MIL said “oh, okay, I guess.” My FIL looked away and mumbled something (always his response to me, up until his death). I suspected they thought I’d call them Mom and Dad, because that’s what they did with their in-laws. I would have been content to still use Mr & Mrs. In-law but was trying to warm it up a bit.

Our relationship was, and still is, like a polite, friendly, distant neighbor - you nod hello when you see each other in the yard, you say things like “how ‘bout this weather?” if you’re in speaking range. I’m happy with it.

This is one of those issues where factual reality and emotion collide. Here is the definition of stepfather; change gender and it is the same as one for stepmother: "a man who is married to one's mother after the divorce of one's parents or the death of one's father"

So yes in fact all those folks who married your parents are indeed your stepmothers and stepfathers and their offspring are your step siblings.

Whether or not you consider them so or choose to call or refer to them by that name is up to you but it does not change the reality of the title.

Isn't it interesting how we imbue words with so much meaning and emotion? All these stories have really made me ponder why we call people in our family what we do.

My DH and I have children from previous marriages. I had step-children who called me by my first name as did all their friends (my choice). After the divorce, I refer to them as my former step-children and now my friends. My DH's daughter sometimes calls me mom and sometimes uses my first name and I'm fine with either. My son calls my DH by his first name usually and sometimes uses "dad", but has told him that he is more of a dad than his father ever was (his father was a narcissistic a**hat who never had a thought for anyone else).

My DH's mom and dad passed away a long time ago and were not loving parents. My parents were delighted when my DH asked if he could call them mom and dad. When my mom lived with us for her last 6 years, she particularly enjoyed being his mom and giving him the unconditional love he had never experienced.

My DH's grandchildren have 3 grandmothers, Meme (me), Grandma Glasses, and Grandma J and they love and are loved by all of us.

Divorce was the reason my Dad remarried, but had nothing to do with my feelings towards his wife. She is just a b!tch. Most who are associated with them think so.

I wanted my parents to divorce and was in my late 20’s when they did. A bad marriage is worse on kids than a decent divorce.

I never called my in-laws ‘mom or dad’ either.

But, my daughter in law calls me ‘mom’. I never asked her to, it just happened. I don’t mind but it wouldn’t bother me if she called me something else.

Interesting about the definition. For some reason I never thought of it as a title like I do for MIL, DIL, uncle. The 'step' part always sounded slap in the face to me. I don't know where I thought it originated from but figured there was a story behind it or something. My in-laws refer to me as DIL but I always just thought of it as the title I received when I married their son not necessarily that I became their daughter. If they (regularly) chose to call me their son's wife instead I suppose I might find that a little stingy only because that's not the standard title and I would think they were being rude/making a point. Actually I know someone who is all of a sudden being referred to as 'husbandsname mom' instead of by her name (it's been done in front of her repeatedly lately) and she's very hurt by it. The relationship has been strained lately and it's coming across as rude/I don't like you. Who knows if that's actually the goal. So many times miscommunication and lack of communication create issues.

When my MIL remarried, we called her husband a “step” because Evil Stepfather sounded better than SOB.

I always call my in-laws by their full name..it's long..if you ever read Russian novels you know what I mean.

But that's the most respectful way to go..and somehow feels more natural too.

(My parents did the same. My Dad always called my Grandma and Grandpa their full names, and all.

they adored him, and was quite mutual I think, and for good reasons. I mean to say-it didn't signal some emotional distance, or something. Just the way things were done)

I also call them that form of "you" that is more official form of "you". We have two forms..

My kids call my MIL (that's not their Grandma by blood) less officialy.."Aunt L.". and they address her in a less official form of "you"..because they're very behind, in reading Russian novels, I suppose...:)

I always insist on them adding "Aunt" or "Uncle" when addressing grown up-much older than them- in Russian

unless "aunt" or "uncle" insist otherwise)))

Context is everything. Full Russian names have such a warmth of feeling for me. Full names in another language would sound seriously cold.

My dad's wife is called dad's wife or her name if seeing her in person or talking on the phone. Sometimes I refer to her as "that poor woman". Love my dad but he's not exactly marriage material. Once when we all went up to see them, I came out of the restroom from spiffing and saw my dad and his wife standing frozen with confounded expressions...viewing my husband like he was an alien.

My husband was folding our family laundry from the dryer.

This thread made me wonder why I have always called my father's third wife by her first name, but describe her as my 2nd step mother. I wonder if it is because she hates the title. She is unpleasant and has mental health issues. My father was difficult himself. Funny it never occurred to me to say she was my father's wife.

My DH's brother married a woman who had 5 kids. They had a kid together. He never formally adopted her kids but they all called him Dad. 20 years later they divorced and both he and his ex remarried others. Her kids still call him Dad and they call my DH Uncle DH. They call me by my first name because that I how I just pretty much had them do it. They don't call their mom's (3rd) husband Dad, however. My BIL still refers to them his kids, but he calls his new (wretched beast) wife's kids 'my wife's kids'.

36 + years ago, I was 24 when my Mom married my St-Father. (My father had passed away 2 years previously.)

He had 3 kids from his 1st marriage. 2 were teens and and treated my mother poorly. (and sadly, they still do) In the beginning, we (my sister & I) tried to be inclusive of his kids and him, but it wasn't reciprocated. Now they it feels more like they are "distant cousins" whom we seldom see and we only hear bits of news about them. I refer to them as my "steps" but my St-father is my mothers husband.

I've never called him "Dad." Before my kids were born, I called him by his 1st name. When my 1st born chose the grandparent name for him, that's what I started calling him too.

My in-laws, whom I adored, I addressed by their 1st names. They were okay with that and never pushed me to call them "Mom" or "Dad." Even though after my Mom remarried, they were more than parents to me. When my Mother remarried, it was almost as if the previous life with my father had disappeared. She tried so hard to be a good "step-mother" putting his kids first, sacrificing the relationship she had w/my & my sister. Thankfully, my in laws saw this and they were my solace. They became my primary family.

Again, when my kids were born, I called my in laws "Granny" or "Grandpa" and they were okay with that as well.

DH’s uncle remarried 40 years ago. Uncle and his wife have served as default parents to DH, as he has no real parents living. We (and my kids) have always called them Uncle First Name and Aunt First Name.

Uncle passed away 2 years ago at the age of 78. Aunt First Name was a saint, doing everything within her power to make him comfortable. We love her, and now I call her my Substitute Mom. (My own mother has been deceased many years.) She’s not a blood relative to any of us, and had no children herself, but she treats Uncle’s daughter, and us, like a Mom.

Pugeder, I'm so sorry how your steps treated you and that your mom showed prefernce to them. My mom has done the very same with her steps, she's put them ahead of her own kids. When my niece got married last year, it happened to be on the same day that L's grandson was getting married. My mother is my nieces only living grandparent and my niece really wanted her there.

Both weddings were in different states from where my mom lives, but she said she HAD to attend her step-grandsons wedding. I offered to pay the airfare for my mother (she could have afforded to pay it but I was trying to use that as an incentive). Her excuse was that the grooms father-her step daughter would not have gone if not for her and L bringing her. Whatever, it was a very lame excuse and this really fueled the flames. My brother is still angry with our mom-and it was not his daughter who got married! I've got a long list of things my mother has done in favor of her husbands daughters and grandchildren over her own kids & grands. Lame excuse about not attending my DD's college graduation but traveling to go to her husbands grandson's HS grad; staying at the hospital while his daughter had gallbladder surgery but not coming to help me when I had broken my back. It goes on and on. But that is a whole other thread!

yep...would never happen. Even before getting married, I could never imagine calling a MIL mom or FIL dad. I call them by first name or refer to them as grandma or grandpa.