I have two children. I "like" my one child better than the other but "love" them equally. My daughter has a very loving easy going personality and has many friends. My son is more serious and not very affectionate and an introvert. If one was a fly on the wall, they might perceive I love one more than the other because of our interaction but that is definitely not the case. It makes me feel very sad for those children and adults who dont have a good relationship with their mothers.

There is only one thing that will make you feel better, and that is an apology from your mother. I doubt this will happen.

What can I say? Scars from childhood last a lifetime.

Sending caring thoughts your way.

I am so very sorry that you are hurting. Your feelings are completely understandable, and I really have nothing of substance to add but wanted you to know that my heart goes out to you and I hope that you are able to somehow, somewhere, find healing for what is undoubtedly a terrible (and certainly unjust) pain.

Thanks eld6161, and you're right, I won't be getting an apology, and honestly I'm not even sure that would help much. What's done is done.

Some of these stories are sad to read. I am sorry for those who weren't raised feeling the love every person desires and deserves.

You are right. Move on. You know you are a lovable person. You have many experiences and relationships that prove it. Think about the successes in your life and the people who are most special to you.

I am sorry you have had to experience this, Shaggy. Although I can't personally relate, I do have friends who have experienced this and have done as suggested above and created their families of choice. Your mother's inadequacy in this area isn't about you, it's about her. I agree that even if she apologized, it wouldn't change anything.

Have you considered talking through your feelings with a professional counselor or therapist? I think that might be helpful. I wish you the best.

Geez, reading these makes me want to cry. I just can't imagine a child growing up, knowing their parents or at least one parent did not love them as much as the other sibling(s).

Because I haven't experienced this, I'm left to wonder if there's any acknowledgement by the favoured sibling to the other sibling(s) that they're aware they are the favourite? Or is it more common for them to be in denial about it? If it has been discussed between the siblings, was there ever an effort (whether by just the favoured child, just the unfavoured child, or both together) to question the offending parent about why they are treated differently?

Parents might have more in common with a particular child, as they get older, like a common interest in the same sports, or whatever. But certainly as children and even as adults, there should be no favouritism, even if one child has little in common with the parent or other siblings. Parents shouldn't expect to get mini versions of themselves in looks or personality, and should not take on parenthood of more than one child, unless they are ready and willing to love and nurture each of their children equally.

After spending time with my mom, especially if it's been a difficult visit (criticized for everything I say as it's always wrong, and I should, according to her, be taking care of her as everyone else works and I live off of my husband, etc) what I do is wrap myself up in the love and like that my father had for me. It was unconditional and it was real and I am thankful for that.

My siblings aren't interested in discussing this. Actually, for all I know they may have their own difficulties with our mom. I do remember that when my dad died we would talk about how much my mom changed. She became somewhat critical of people and we did wonder if perhaps Dad held her in check.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

This prayer came to my mind first. There is nothing wrong with you that needs changing. There is nothing you can do to change your mother.

No need for me to say much. My story is so similar except the part where my dad had my back at least. The most confusing part for me is I am most like my dad--compared to the other four. My mom loves my dad but does not care for me. How does that work? It came to a head 10 years ago. No only did I not get an apology or and explanation I got "get over it", and how dare I ask and sadly it continues. This weekend my daughter graduated top of her class from a local university and my mom could not be bothered. It will be the first grandchild she didn't go to graduation for. Not only did she not attend she didn't even send a note of congrats on her big day. With texting/email and facebook what excuse could there be? I have three children and yes some are easier to get on with but my life has forced me to be sure I am showing attention and love equally at all times. Now that I have lived as a mom I am more than ever sure she has no excuse. This may be a common experience but that does not make it ok. Not ever. I decided years ago to just let go.

THANK YOU Shaggydogs and everyone else who posted. It does help to know I am not alone in this!!

You may be interested in reading this...although many parents have favorites, maliciously preferring one sibling or playing siblings off against each other is one hallmark of a narcissistic parent.

If only all parents corresponded to the sentiments on hallmark cards! But of course bad people can still unfortunately procreate.

http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

Growing up my oldest sister (first born of four girls) was the favorite. My parents would always take her side, and believe anything she ever said, even though the rest of us would tell them she was lying. Well, after we were all married and started having kids, I was visiting one weekend. I lived out of state. I was the only one who really flew the coop, after marriage, but it had more to do with my dh's work. Anyway, my parents even took that personally like I was abandoning them. Ugh! So after that weekend, I was driving home. By the time I got home, I had my little sister calling me, telling me that we were being lied about again. My parents believed my oldest sister. My middle sister took sides with my oldest, and my dad was calling me blessing me out. Long story short, she thought I told her daughter to run away. I would never tell a child (teen) to run away from anything but an attacker. The subject was never brought up that weekend. I found out later, that my neice went home, fought with her parents, and ran off with her boyfriend. I didn't even live there. Didn't know she was having problems with her parents at all! She didn't discuss that with me.

After all those years, I felt like they didn't even know me. Didn't know my true character. That was the last straw for me. I was done with the drama. I had small kids, and didn't want the disfunction anymore. So with lots of prayer, and tears, I made the decision to break ties with them completely! They would try to call, I wouldn't answer. Stopped sending birthday cards, christmas cards, whatever. The only person in my family I would talk to was my little sister. They just couldn't understand why I stopped talking to them, and visiting them. My mom would always swear she didn't do anything wrong. So, what was wrong? If she ever did anything to us, she never apologized, and swept it under the rug. The next day, everything was normal to her. Everything forgotten.

About seven years later, they called, and I picked up. I don't know what made me do that, but I started telling them how I felt about about what all they did to me. My mom's response? "I just didn't know". I told her that she should know me better than that.

Anyway, I learned that it's hard to forgive. I'm still trying to do that. Sad, but true. They will never apologize. They will never change. I have accepted that, but the relationship is pretty broken. They are getting up in years, but, I still have that line drawn. They didn't get to see my kids grow up. I don't feel bad about that. I honestly look at all the grandkids, and see that with mine, I stopped that cycle, and I've learned to be a better parent because of what I've been through. I didn't have all the stress from all the drama that has gone on without me. And alot has happened. But I wasn't part of it to get any of the blame. It is sad, but I'm okay with it. The good outweighs the bad.

Although I can't personally relate, my heart broke a little as I read each of your stories. How incredibly sad! And how cruel and thoughtless of any mother who allows herself to stoop to that level! As has already been said many times here already, please keep telling yourselves that it was not you, but them who were to blame. Both of my parents treated each of us NINE kids with the same love and kindness. I only have two children, our first was adopted but I can honestly say that I have loved them equally and treated them both equally as well. They are the sun and moon in my life and I love them both tremendously. My DH is my other heart.

Shame on any mother who would so cruelly hurt a child!

shaggydogs: what an interesting topic. As a child I was clearly and obviously dad's fav. To the point of being uncomfortable. I was a kid and had no coping skills for the situation. DM and DS became a team and DS became DM's fav. this dynamic has continued all our lives and DM is now a great grandparent! I was always told (by DM) to suck it up for the sake of DS as she had a few illnesses and I was the strong one. So that really did make me the strong one. And while I would not change that trait for the world, our familial relationships suffered from the parental tug of war.

Robo: O.M.G. That link is amazing. So many of the items listed fit DM. ETA: I was referring to the second link. I just now saw the first link. Off to read that one now!

This thread is a wake up call. Whether we have multiples or singletons, we have to be watchful of our behavior toward our children. All we can do at this point is break the cycle and form healthy relationships with our SO's or spouses and our children. I don't think the pain ever goes away but we can learn to cope. I second Arcy's Thank You to Shaggydogs and everyone else who posted.

Thanks for each and every one of your replies. Geez, it's awfully sad to read about your experiences, and I'm sorry that others have suffered too. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it's comforting to know that I'm not alone. It's not really a topic that comes up a lot with friends, or is easy to talk about.

Robo, the second link in particular, holy cow. That describes so much of her behavior. I would never in a million years have made the connection. Starting with teen years until now, the constant pointing out of how beautiful/great/smart/accomplished/whatever someone else is, that's the story of my life. I am never these things. Her favorite stories about me generally are about clumsiness, mistakes, dumb things I did.

Phoebe, your story is so sad, and you must be incredibly strong to make a break like that. Good for you for putting yourself and your family first.

That's a very sad story. I was very lucky to have had wonderful loving parents that made each of us five children all feel that WE were the favorite. I don't know how they did it but we all felt we were the special one. We talked about this at my Mom's funeral when all of us kids were together. None of us ever felt that one of the other kids was Mom or Dad's favorite. It seems to me that, we were just lucky because I hear stories! You are not alone.

My Dad's favorite was my sister. My mother's definite favorite is my brother. He literally can do no wrong in her eyes, and all his failings are his wife's fault according to her.

I've managed to get over most of the hurt by knowing that my Grandmother loved me best out of all her grandchildren (it's kind of common knowledge in our family). But it still hurts when my mother, who is a narcissistic person, pretty much ignores me and what is going on in my life while she goes on and on and on about my brother (and what is going on in her life).

I don't have many wise words for you, other than to say I'm sorry for your hurt.

I do hope it helps you to know that others have been thru this too. When I discovered so many other women who had toxic mothers, I finally felt less alone.

Me too, Neetsie. I love hearing the stories about those great mothers too, though. Because I know I broke the cycle and my son will be able to join in and talk about good memories during those discussions, instead of feeling awkward.

Cattyles, on Mother's Day (ironically) i was chatting with my sons girlfriends mom and she too has a terrible mother; she thought it was because her father left her mother shortly after she was adopted and her mother blamed her for it. Mine has no excuse, she's just the most self absorbed, selfish, bitter, opinionated woman I know.

We were just thrilled when our kids told us that they think they have great moms. Even though we do talk to animals like they're babies :)

My grandmother said her mom used to play the girls against each other. My grandmother was a bookworm and singer, but didn't give two cents about her looks, unless she was performing. She was pretty, but more of a Katherine Hepburn type. Her sister looked like Eva Gardner....I've seen pictures, she really did! And her other sister was blonde and pretty.

My grandmother said she never felt very close with her sisters, although she did get along with her one brother. I think all the girls did. Then years later, the girls found out that their mom said to the two "pretty ones" why can't you be more talented, like you sister? And to my grandmother....why don't you try to make yourself prettier, like your sisters? Anyway, all three were not happy, but managed to bond a bit more, when they realized none of them were mom's favorite.

But the silver lining....my grandmother had two girls and a boy. The girls couldn't be more different. My mom is tall, dark hair, dark eyes and very striking. My aunt is petite, blonde, big blue eyes and very cute. My grandmother said she never played favorites and I don't think either of them has ever said they felt like one was loved more than the other. So, kudos to my grandmother! Maybe that's all you can get out of such a bad experience....realizing why you would bend over backwards not to do it to anyone else.

I'm very familiar with narc's, and I wish my mom was one because then she'd have an excuse. She was just clueless and extremely immature. Some of the things she did to me when I was much older would blow your mind. She singled me out.

One thing she did to me, and this was when I thought things were going great between us, was when I went to the mail box and saw a birthday card from her. On the side she wrote, "I didn't know if you were interested, but John (my brother's son whom I adored and was 17) was in a car wreck and is in a coma."

After I called her immediately and got the information, and after we hung up, oh brother, I was alone and walking around the house cussing like a sailor. How dare she!!! Who does that??

BTW, he was in a coma for 6 months and is now living in an independent living facility because although he's basically okay, his temper is through the roof which is what happens to people with brain injuries. He's in his 30's.

Sometimes I feel like Meredith Grey, "Pick me, choose me, love me." That's what not having unconditional love from a mom does to a person.

One good thing came out of this. I told my boy's about it and to this day they both will give me a big bear hug out of the blue and tell me how much they love me and how great a mother I am to them. They are my rocks. :)

This is an interesting topic for me, because I have a sister who feels this way. She has always felt like the outcast, although our brother and I don't see it. He is the oldest, I am the youngest. They are two years apart, I came 6 years later. She always felt that he was the oldest, male, could do no wrong. I was 'the baby' (said with much sarcasm) and could do no wrong. She was the poor maligned middle child whom no one loved. Until I came along, it was just the two of them and life was perfect. I ruined it for her.

Our mother died when my sister was 11, and Dad remarried soon thereafter. Our stepmother, whom I adored, was pretty strict, but equally with all of us. My sister has a temperament that begs conflict. She will say black is white just to argue. I've often wondered if she is bipolar, because she can change course in a heartbeat. So as a teenager, she was constantly in trouble for mouthing off. Thus, she thought that our SM hated her, and she hated right back. She left home at age 18.

Both parents are gone now, and she is almost 60. To this day, she will remind me that I was the baby and ruined her life. Neither my brother nor I have much to do with her, because she is unpleasant to be around. She will get in a snit that can last months. She treated our father poorly toward the end of his life, and he basically quit dealing with her.

I feel sorry for her, that she goes through life with these feelings. But after years of therapy, she cannot admit that she is a large part of the problem.

I feel awful for those of you who actually had parents who really did mistreat you emotionally. I can't imagine how you could ever "just get over it."

My mother was cray-cray, too, and I was definitely her least favorite. It wasn't until a few years ago that my sister and I were able to put a name to it when we learned about narcissistic personality disorder.

My sister always seemed to doubt some of the incidents I would later recount as a young adult ("If all this happened, where was I?"). I thought about it and realized that my mother made sure no one else was around when she berated and emotionally abused me. A few years ago when my sister and I were moving the parents out of their home and my mother was less cautious, my sister finally witnessed my mother's behavior toward me.

Ironically, she's had a series of minor seizures in the past few years which have caused a personality shift and made her "nicer"; she is now the darling of the assisted living facility. All I see is the awful mother she always was to me.

I almost didn't have kids myself because I was so scared I'd be like her. DH and I had many, many talks beforehand and he convinced me I'd be a great mother, that we'd make a great team. Just last night, on the phone with our DS wishing him a happy birthday, he was saying how fortunate he feels and recounting all the ways. At the top of the list was having won the parent lottery. I heard someone say once that we have two chances in life at a good parent/child relationship; if it doesn't work out well with our own parent(s), we have a second chance with our own kids. I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to understand how special the love between parents and children can/should be. It's also odd for me when I see/hear women so deeply mourn the loss of a mother, often decades later. I'll never have that but I know my kids will. T

To the OP, I hope you have someone in your life who values and supports you as you deserve. That is what helped me go from being an insecure, unconfident, distrustful person to a fairly confident, happy one. I'll always carry scars but they're buried pretty deep now.

Well, we all like to be popular but sometimes with some people it doesn't work out that way. And, just because you are related doesn't mean you will have anything in common so try not to stress over it. I have nothing in common with my family. Most pointedly, they are the sort to complain but never do anything about it. It drives me nuts. I have grown children and live in another state and did not let my young children spend time with my family without me there, ever. It's a long story but the influences was not something I was going to stand for. My goal was to break the cycle that most males in the family traveled. I know they talk about me behind my back but I don't care. My boys are now college educated and doing well. They are good young men without prejudices and harmful vices.

I know it can be a head trip but it's okay to look upon those that share your DNA as as acquaintances you met up with occasionally. My mom passed not long ago and my sister who build her life around being the pitiful "feel sorry for me" youngest tried to slot me in the roll of mom as the one who did her wrong after mom passed. I had to call her out on that. It's time she grew up. So, sadly not popular there either. However, I would be sadder if I allowed myself to be used in that way.

Be happy for you. Be happy and love those who wish you happiness and love. Forget DNA.

Hmm, is it better for a parent to have a favorite child and disfavor the others or just to tell all of the children how having children wrecked the parent's lives? I really really really support birth control so that people who do not want to have children do not have to have them. Me and my siblings, phew, we were resented from the day we were born and we didn't do anything wrong except be born. I think that the men and women of that older generation where the women could not work decent jobs, but had to get married and, short of celibacy, they had no effective ability to prevent pregnancy, are dying out and hopefully all of their anger is dying with them. Even so, this kind of rage passes down through the generations but It can be really hard to see how it is being perpetuated. May they rest in peace because they certainly tried to leave a mess behind...

I am the oldest of 5 children; the second-oldest was born 1 year and 11 days after me. My mother actively and overtly disliked me from early childhood (as well as the second-youngest daughter who was also not favored, though to a lesser extent). The second-oldest once asked my mother why she had been so hard on me and my mother said, "Because she wanted my attention when you were born!"

Throughout my childhood, though, I pondered the situation this way: "What is wrong with my mother, who does not love me?" rather than "What is wrong with me, that I am unlovable?" I was lucky--my second-youngest sister saw it the second way, and her youth, though she came in for much less active abuse, was troubled--anorexia, self-doubt, social problems, and many other struggles, all of which I avoided. We have both made our peace with our mother, but I note that of the 5 siblings, she and I are the ones who moved far, far away from the family as soon as we graduated college, and have never moved back.

I have a similar background, only both my parents were that way. And they saw nothing wrong with it. I finally came to understand that even though other siblings were favored, it didn't mean my parents didn't love me, even if it was less. I spent my childhood feeling unloved. I would say it was also neglect - just no attention paid to me. I was angry with my mother for a long time, maybe because she was the same sex parent and I put more of it on her. I moved away for 14 years and never called, only sent a Christmas card thinking that that will show them! But I worked very hard to forgive them and came to see that they did not think they did wrong and that is flawed thinking, and they are/were flawed human beings and probably did the best they knew how-I have to feel sorry for people like that, that they don't really know how to love. I am at peace with it now, even though some of the siblings favored think they are better than me, that's their problem and I choose for the most part not to be around them but to be around those that are not like that. All I can say about that is to make peace with it and forgive for your own health and welfare. It isn't easy but you can get there.

I have made peace with it. It's the only way I am able to care for her now. I do have to take breaks from her sometimes. I feel bad about that but it's my way of protecting myself.

I just hope that my kids know that I not only love them, but that I also like them.

Kkay made a great point. If you can find a way to change your perspective to, "What is wrong with them", rather than "What is wrong with me", that is probably the key to healing.

Honestly, both of my parents are toxic. My mother in a much more obvious way but my father is an alcoholic, with everything that goes along with severe alcoholism. My brother and sister were eleven and twelve years older than I and my parents had them as young teenagers. My sister died at 40 of alcoholism and my brother died at 41 of a drug overdose. They never got over their childhoods and never stopped believing they were deeply flawed and unlovable.

I left home at 16. I graduated high school as a sophomore and went to nursing school and never depended on my parents for anything after the age of 16. I was determined not to let my parents affect me. But had my brother and sister not lived those years before I was born and helped me to see how very toxic our household was? I don't know if I could have been as strong and resilient. I know that by the time I was born, my parents were better able to appear as if they were normal, loving parents and my sister did, at different times of her life, resent me and claim I was the favorite.

But when you have parents who were unable to parent because they were not parented, are there really any advantages to being the favorite?

shaggydogs, if you are living your life and loving yourself and your family, you are overcoming and healing.

There is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is much easier once the poor behavior stops, which sounds like is when these mom die. In adulthood I wanted an adult relationship with my mom so my children could have grand parents. I seemed to think old patterns could change. That wasn't my experience. Not only could she not see her behavior as unfair to me she could not stop favoring. Whacha gonna do. Incident after incident continues usually around a holiday or an occasion that calls for a celebration..and about the time I get to the point where I am not actively in pain something happens to begin the cycle all over. All I can do is minimize the contact with her. After this most recent event I cannot envision a reason I will ever actually see her again. I continue to send news each week and she is more than happy with that relationship so why would she put any effort into improving things. Sometimes it just is what it is. The challenge is to not let it infect the rest of your life. Remember the forgiveness is for YOUR SOUL not hers.

Oakley, I am so sorry about what happened to your nephew. I hope he continues to improve.

Arcy, I guess we never stop hoping they will appreciate and deserve the forgiveness. Even after everything my father put us all through, I bought a house with another small house for him in the back, when he could no longer work. He made no plans for retirement at all. I even let myself think it would be a chance for him to reflect and be happy, maybe even appreciate how I was taking care of him. It only proved how deeply ingrained these behaviors in people like him, like all toxic takers, are.

I never, ever talk about all this. I feel like I've been to therapy. Thanks for the topic, shaggy, I hope you found some help, too.

Well put, cattyles, it's therapeutic, albeit sad, to hear from so many. I'm sorry about the way things turned out when you tried to help your dad. Seems like a common theme, it's nearly impossible to quit trying to please your parents.

Shaggy, I forgot to ask you, how exactly does your mom treat your sister that is different from how she treats you? Was your mom ever hands on and loving with your sister but not you? Like hugs and kisses out of the blue for no reason?

I ask because even though I knew mom favored my brother growing up, I can't remember her her hugging or kissing on us just because. Like I do with my boys. It comes so natural to me.

Which made me realize years ago that my mom simply didn't have the maternal gene. It happens. Never did I feel it was my fault as I was growing up. And it never bothered me either, still doesn't. What does bother me is she had the audacity to tell me she loved my brother more than me growing up.

I just remembered..one time when all her grandkids kids were between 4 and 10, she told me she loved my kids more! I gently told her not to say something like that. That was during the time I was her favorite. ;)

These stories of feeling unloved are heartbreaking; it is a good reminder that the ones closest to us have enormous power over our emotional well being throughout our lifetimes.

That said, I would like to put in a word from the perspective of a parent who truly loves all her children equally, but has a child who perceives a sibling as the "most loved." That child doesn't doubt s/he is very loved, and experienced a childhood pretty close to "magical," filled with friends, meaningful hobbies, summer camps, travel, excellent education, stable home, etc. Still, from age six or seven, this child was convinced that another sibling was favored and has complained about it loudly for decades. DH and I have discussed this on countless occasions with the child, ditto a therapist, grandparent, etc. Objective proof and examples of our equality of treatment have not convinced. I don't know how that ideation got hold in the person's psyche, but the fact that it is simply not true hasn't made an iota of difference. We wonder if there is some problem that this masks or some event that it covers but I doubt we will ever know. Relations are not strained with this child, whom we see regularly, but even today this is occasionally brought up and it is not only a source of pain to me personally, it has become exasperating.

Our situation is not comparable, obviously, to many of these narratives of abuse and neglect, but I did want to try to defend those parents who try to do the right thing and are still accused of favoritism.

Kswl - We have a son who felt the same way. But he had some issues through elementary school - he suffered from separation anxiety in Grade 3 and was bulled in Grade 6 and I think he just felt unlovable and it carried through into our home life. We wound up taking him to counseling and we were able to get him back on an even keel. But it is hard.

He's in his mid-twenties now and is so much more comfortable in his own skin. He is highly respected in his company and is sought after for his planning skills within his company and for his ability and desire to connect his company with the community. I think having found his niche has really helped him.

It was hard to get him to this point. We never did lose hope that it would happen and probably like you, we never stopped hugging him, supporting him and telling him that we loved him.

Hugging my kids has always been key for me. My dad used to hug me but my mom never did. I'm not really a natural hugger, but I know how warm and "cacooning" it can feel.

Blfenton, our child who feels this way has pretty much been an unrelenting success all throughout life at damn near everything.....it is as puzzling as it was painful. Although, truth be told, as they become older adults these peccadilloes become more annoying to me than anything else.

I'm sorry kswl, that must be frustrating!! Those who have written of how they became mothers after going through some pretty awful sounding childhoods has warmed my heart. Bless you! At least because of what you went through, it sounds like it made you even more determined to be wonderful moms. And sounds as though you definitely accomplished that.

kswl, my sister had the same problem. She is a very loving mother and has never shown favouritism to any of her three children. Yet one has always claimed to be less favoured than the other two. I know personally that this was never the case.

Because this had been a very strong willed and demanding child, who often made unreasonable requests, my sister and BIL had to say "no" more often. The siblings have always had a good relationship, but the one regularly accused the parents of giving the others preferential treatment.

Anyway, about 4 years ago, my sister told me a miracle had happened. Her then 26 year old, seemed to have a sudden epiphany. Somehow, the realization had been made that in fact, there never had been any favouritism for the other siblings. It finally was expressed that the others had been disciplined less often (time outs, grounding) and not told "no" as often, and that was now being understood, as misperceived favouritism.

My sister and BIL were overjoyed that their child was finally recanting what had been such a strong contention, for almost 20 years. But miraculously, somehow it became clear that being treated 'differently' was not the same as being treated 'worse' and that the parents saying "no" more often was only because the unreasonable requests were proportionately way more often than the siblings'.

When this 'epiphany' occurred, a more gracious and considerate personality emerged and a much closer relationship with the parents developed. Cousins, Aunts and Uncles have noticed it as well. Perhaps in time, something will change in your child's thinking as well, and your experience will be similar. If not, although it will still hurt to know your child actually perceives favouritism, you and your DH will always know in your hearts that it was never the case.

Here's an interesting scenario. I'd always been the least favorite child (of 2 siblings). Even extended family members, when visiting, would comment on it. To be fair, my parents were never really big on showing affection, but were definitely prouder of my sibling and closer to my siblings' children than mine. (That is probably harder to deal with than my own relationship with my parents.)

Now my parents are aging and need more help. I happen to be the one taking care of most of their needs/wants, although I will say that my sibling is willing to pitch in. I just happen to have the circumstances that allow me to fit it into my busy life more than my sibling. I occasionally resent it, but usually just consider this my duty.

Interestingly, in recent years my parents seem to be more favorably disposed toward me, probably because they do realize how much I do for them. I can't say I've warmed up to them anymore, especially since I suspect the fondness is more of a quid pro quo situation. However, I am trying to feel more fond of them, as they are aging and having more health issues so they may not live that much longer. I don't want to be plagued with guilt or regret because I couldn't put the past behind me. I'm not sure I can ever put it totally behind me, but at least I can not dwell on it and try to let the past be the past.

Picky, what is so odd is that we don't have a strained relationship with this kid, we have a very good one----more than a couple of tense moments and situations during the teen years, of course, but the child was at boarding school (own choice) much of that time.

Picky, thank you for sharing your sister's story. You've exactly nailed what I have always tried to understand about my sister, which I related far upthread. She's just a difficult person. She got into more trouble as a kid because of this, so I was "the good daughter". Unfortunately, after almost 60 years on this earth, one failed marriage and alienating several family members, she still doesn't see that she is the problem. I won't hold out hope for an epiphany, but at least I get it. I still feel sorry for her because she never will get it.

I think cattyles has it perfect "But when you have parents who were unable to parent because they were not parented" i know for certain both my mother and father were not treated well in their youth and that at least one of their parents on each side had similar problems. I ended up not having children. One of my brothers stopped the cycle when his chilfren were youg (they are in their 20s now and simply great kids). The other figured it out last year and is trying to fix the mess he helped create...better late than never.

kswl, like you, my sister and BIL were also fortunate, to have a good relationship with the child who always perceived favouritism, toward the siblings. But once their now grown child recognized the misperception, they have an even closer relationship. Now, over and above the 'family' events their child always enjoyed, my sister and BIL get invites out to dinner or to sporting events separately as well, as do the other siblings. It seems that finally realizing things had never been what had always been assumed, added a stronger bond to this young adult's relationship with everyone.

aok, sadly, your example shows that becoming an adult doesn't necessarily lead to an "Aha moment" of realizing 'I guess my parents weren't really favouring my siblings after all, I simply required a tighter grip on the reins, because I was a lot harder to handle.' Indeed, it is a shame when people we love, spend a lifetime suffering with the illusion of discriminatory treatment, that was never the case.

Closing with the reminder that I empathize greatly with all those above, who have experienced true parental favouring of a sibling. This post is only relating to the reverse occurrence, which is also sad, because one side feels the hurt of believing that preferential treatment took place, while the other side feels the hurt that someone believes they are the perpetrators of it. Proving a negative is difficult in the best of scenarios, but darn near impossible when it comes to trying to prove to someone that their 'feelings' are not justified.

I was abused by an obviously narcissistic father who had drug and alcohol problems and obviously highly favored my younger brother over me. I had watched my mother be abused many times in front of me. My father came home drunk or high almost every night and would beat my mother and I, but never laid a hand on my brother. We were only 2 years and 10 months apart and my mom only had my brother because, she thought it would make it easier if my father got the boy he had always wanted. I was an unplanned child born out of wedlock off of a drunk one-night stand at a college party during my mother's last year of college my mother was only 22 while pregnant with me and had me 2 hours before her 23 birthday. I was her first child and she had no clue what she was doing, but loved me anyway. My father however made no effort to be there while I was born and instead went out with his friends and called my mom a whore and a worthless slut the whole time. Telling all his friends he now had a slutty daughter to take care of too. That night he got arrested based off of 2 charges with a DUI and he was involved in a bar-fight. My mother had to leave her newborn baby who was born sick in the hospital to go bail him out. Then they got married to please his parents who were christian and she thought the abuse might get a little better, but sadly that wasn't the case at all. When I was 3 he started blaming everything on me. Like his drug and alcohol addiction, marrying my mom, his parents being mad at him, his arrests, everything was somehow my or my mothers fault. He used to hit, kick, slap, punch, burn me with cigarettes, throw things at me, and lock me in the closet for hours at a time. My mother moved us into her room and kept a knife under her pillow. Eventually we moved in with my grandparents who also had my aunt and uncle living with them too. Even here my brother and I never slept alone. We kept our windows and doors locked tightly, we had knives under the pillows, in drawers, under the couches, in the bathrooms, everywhere, and my uncle who had a gun license kept a gun either on him or near him at all times. My grandparents are very wealthy people as they own multiple companies and we had moved out when I was 4 and lived there until I was 7 when my mother finally gained full custody of us. My grandparents fired my father who had been working for them and we were able to move back home. While we were still living with my grandparents my mother had started going out with my uncles best friend. My mother had known him for almost her whole life and trusted him. He moved in and gained love from my brother and I slowly, but surely. My mother still loved me very much, but had started favoring my brother not as much as my father, but enough so it was noticeable. My mothers new boyfriend also preferred my brother to me. I was very hurt and couldn't understand then, but now I do. I realized that no matter how much she tried she couldn't get over the fact that I had caused all of this. Everything was fine for about 2 years then my 3rd grade year when I was 8 it all changed dramatically. My now step-father proposed, they got married, we moved to a new house, they started talking about having a child together, and then the worst of it came my father came back and tried to get visiting rights to my brother and I he was deemed fit in court as he had being seeing a psychologist and had a job, but still drank and smoked he no longer did drugs either. We were forced to go kicking and screaming all the way there was still mental abuse but no longer physical. He was dating a woman who could not have children of her own and clearly wanted to take our mothers place, but we wouldn't let her and she would get angry and leave for weeks at a time which my father blamed us for even though we were only there every other weekend. He even confessed that the only reason he wanted us was to stay with this wealthy woman and her parents. She knew I was a tomboy loving sports and I hated dresses and loved hanging out with the boys, but she forced my brother and I to fit her picture perfect American family mold that she had become obsessed with. They got married 3 years later on New Years Eve during my 6th grade year. In the summer of 4th grade my mother and step-father announced that they were having a child. A baby boy to be exact and my brother and I started to lose more and more attention as if we didn't exist anymore. Then they had another child a 2 and a half years later. Another boy and my parents started to forget about me and even my once favored brother ceased to exist. It's still like this. I love my mother with everything I have and I know she loves me. I adore all 3 of my brothers who are protective of all hell even though they might be younger. And I love my step-father very much as well, but can't help,but think he likes his own boys better still. Thank you for listening venting helps me and have a great day/night!

Wow,

I knew other people felt this way, but I have never sought them out. I just kept it buried so I did not have to face it. My parents always favored my sister. As a teen she was always in trouble. My mom and dad were always their for her. When I was young my dad would take me to baseball practice and drop it off so that he could go watch my sister.

It's 30 years later and it's still feels like I'm getting dropped off for they can go watch her. They bought her a house she pays $900 rent in the area it should be 2000. I was starting to get over this then they move very close to me within five miles. Now I feel like it's starting all over again. I am going to move away so that I don't have to be subjected to watching the favoritism in my sister.

I cannot and will not let this affect how I raise my children. My wife is the most important woman in the world. She came from a family that loves and has children that are all favored.

I truly feel that the most important thing right now is that I found other people that feel like I do. I don't want to say that misery loves company but not feeling alone is better

Hugs to you, Douglas. Have you asked your parents why they do those things for your sister and not you?

When you're with your parents, do they treat you kindly? You said your sister was always in trouble as a teen, what about now that she's an adult? If she's having a hard time financially I understand why your parents would help her out. Unless you're struggling also, then they should do the same for you.

I was told once that as parents we are as happy as our unhappiest child. If your sister is unhappy, then your parents are trying to make her happy, therefore they'll be happy.

Your wife sounds like a keeper to me!

My late MIL was the least liked child in her family - she was also a middle child. Her father was frequently emotionally abusive - would drive past an orphanage and say that's where she must have come from as she was nothing like him; she was his biological child.

She was 89 when she died. She had a very privileged childhood (monetarily) and throughout her adult life. She had a husband who doted on her and two children - they loved her, but she was so self-absorbed it was not easy. She hired a ghost writer to write a "vanity autobiography" and it arrived a few days after she died. She spent the first 10 pages still obsessing about how her mother favored her perfect older sister, and her father only had one child - his son, known in the family as "The Sun King".

What a waste to continue to think about and harbor this old business! Of course it hurt, but she had a long life with lots of love and when she died, her parents had been dead for nearly 50 years! One needs to mourn for the parents they did not have (with the help of a good therapist), and then move on and not let that dominate ones life forever.

My sister and I were both unfavorite children, and there were only 2 of us. While we weren't overtly abused for the most part, we were both constantly disparaged and compared to the wonderfulness of other people's children. I disagree with Anglo....no matter your successes throughout your life, somewhere lurking in the back of your mind is the idea that you are not worthy....that NEVER goes away. Both my sister and I, now in our 60s, have done well in life, but when we get together we still talk about how our mother treated us, and she's been gone over 40 years.

From my current perspective, I can understand why our mother behaved as she did. She was one of several children in Eastern Europe, but when WW2 was on the horizon, she was sent to the us, as she was the oldest living at home. She was sent to relatives, who in her own words, used her as an unpaid baby sitter until she struck out on her own. I also think she was disappointed in her marriage and in general, was just one of those people who would have been better off without children.