Have to / Choose to - Ceph's SFamily philosophy

15 years ago

We were talking about "doing for" vs "going the extra mile" and I wanted to share my theory. You can disagree if you'd like, but I wanted to share what I think.

When I got together with FDH, his only requirements were that I was nice to A__ and respected that they have a relationship. And, really, I think that's all a BP should expect from their SO towards their child. IMO, that's all a SP has to "do for" and all that a SC has to "do for" in return.

But it was important to me to get to know A__, so that I could love him too. Once I got to know him, I found that I loved him very much, and I think he found the same thing about me once he got to know me.

So what does that mean? I think it means that we can choose to be more than "Dad's GF/wife" and "BF/husband's son" and treat each other like family. That choice gives each of us extra rights and responsibilities: He has to listen to me almost as if I were his parent, and I have to provide care almost as if he were my child. He gets another grown-up's affections, and I get the joy of helping raise a child.

But, IMO, we have chosen to treat each other like family, and chosen to have these rights and responsibilities. If one of us chooses not to keep up our end, the other is not required to either.

So even though I would still love A__ if he decided he wanted to discontinue the relationship we have chosen, I am not required to do anything other than be nice to him and respect his relationship with FDH.

Since A__ and I have chosen to treat each other as parent and child...

Whether A__ is having a good day or a bad day, I make sure he is fed, is appropriately clothed for the weather, has his homework/chores done, gets hugs and kisses, has some recreation time and knows I love him. That covers the "do for"...

When he is having a good day, I am more likely to make his favourite foods, spend a little extra money to get him clothes he really wants, reward him for homework/chores with stickers pages or thank you notes, give extra praise or high-fives with the hugs and kisses, give extra recreation time, and knows I love him. That covers the "extra mile"...

So I love A__ regardless of what he does, but I choose to act like family, and if I go he extra mile, so will he.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (5)

catlettuce
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I think that sounds like a wonderful way to handle things, especially when they are younger like __A. Plus from what I've read he really sounds like he just blossoms with all the extra love and attention he gets from you. I think it's wonderful and think your phoilosphy as a whole is a great one for Step parents.

Even though I sometimes really don't like the decisions my Skids have made, I do love them lots and still would and do try to steer them in the right direction and help when I'm able.

Sadly DH has not liked my DS from day one, so they don't and won't have much of a relationship or even friendship ever by the looks of things. It really makes me sad that he couldn't think about it the way you do and at least make an effort to just be a friend, my son is grown and out so it's not like he has to be around him daily.

Just the fact that he never asks how he is doing in the past yr and a half, hurts me to the core. It's like he fell off the face of the earth and disappeared and DH has not one time asked anythig about him. While my life completely revolves around SS's and trying to help them get their lives together.

Even if we don't work out I hop SS's would at least keep some contact with me. I know the oldest and the baby would..

Sorry kinda hijacked your thread. You gotta a good thing going there..(Hug) Sounds like __A keeps getting beter & better too.

~Cat
justnotmartha
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Exactly. Couldn't have said it any better myself, Ceph.
Related Discussions
BM is driving me NUTS!!
Q
Comments (32)
"My exhusband was a good father who adored his children, who shared a strong belief in attachment parenting, and who worked hard but made it clear to his employer that this family came first. He rocked the babies, read bedtime stories, cooked, took them places like the grocery store to give them extra one-on-one time, went to all their school events" This would be YOUR opinion or idea of what a good father is. Someone else may think a father that was a good provider or good role model is just as good a father. Like I said, it's a matter of each person's opinion or expectation of what a good parent is. "Just wait until you get Alzheimer's and turn into a cranky, paranoid old woman who doesn't recognize her own grandchildren, and your children start to whine about how you have abandoned them and how your behavior at that time negates all of the good you have ever done in your life. Oh wait - Alzheimer's is a disease, and mental illness is - according to you - no more than a moral weakness." Perhaps someday I will have Alzheimer's but it doesn't run in our family, but I guess I might get it. I would hope that my kids are learning that in our family, we value family. They see me taking care of my step mom. They see me bathe her. They see me feed her through a feeding tube. They see me clean her trach so she can breathe. They see me administer her medication so she isn't suffering in pain. They see me clean her when she has a bowel movement. They see me bandage her sores and brush her teeth and cover her up so she doesn't get cold. Now the example that they get from me is that children take care of their parents when the parents need them. Hopefully they will learn from what they see me doing. They hopefully learned through my example that I set as they were growing up, that parents don't abandon their children. It might have been easier for me to dump them off with a grandparent all the time so I could have a life. I didn't run from relationship to relationship, having multiple men in their lives. (the oldest was 3 when I had the youngest and I was alone except the 7 years I lived with my exBF) I did everything to keep my family together as they were growing up. At times, it might have been easier to run away or let someone else raise them, but I was always there for them. So, if I were to get Alzheimer's or some other disease and need care, I don't think my children would feel that I've abandoned them. I can't say for sure, but they have had a mom that has struggled at times with depression and I've always been here for them and I guess if I chose to leave them instead of dealing with my depression, they might feel like I abandoned them and might think I'm a bad parent. I don't know because I never did that. (and btw, under your philosophy, my mom was an excellent mother when we were young, but that didn't stop her from the things she did. Just because she took good care of us as babies doesn't mean she's a good parent because she bailed on us anyways. Blame alcohol or depression, but she chose to do the things she did instead of getting help)
...See More
Balancing out the 'No' - Ideas?
Q
Comments (8)
We've got those days! And I think of what you're describing as my 'turnaround strategy'. With John, he normally responds well to gentle teasing and humor. So what might work well for him would be to say something along the lines of "Things have been going backwards today! I think you need to go back out of the house - backwards! - then walk aroung the house backwards and come back in the right way. That might turn things around. Come on - let's go." Then march out the door backwards dragging him along. John would be laughing so hard he'd forget the bad mood. This might not be possible, but at one point, we had a trampoline in the back yard. And there were times we simply ordered five minutes of trampoline jumping. There's actually quite a lot of therapy in trampoline jumping. The repeated thumps actually help straighten out the self-regulatory systems in a kid with neurological issues - strange but true. What about yelling? Not yelling at him, but simply yelling together. Kind of 'primal scream'... The only rule I would make is that you couldn't yell actual words -- just random yell noises. Could be a fun way to release some stress. I'm sure I'll think of more...
...See More
How do I know if potential SM fits the bill?
Q
Comments (47)
Casper- I would offer to meet with her and if she declined I wouldn't get too offended. She may still be adjusting to the relationship. Honestly as much as I know you hate to hear it there isn't too much you can do in this situation. Even if the woman is a cruddy person do you think your Ex would stop seeing her just because you didn't give her your stamp of approval? I'm not trying to be nasty here at all, I just don't think there is alot you can do unless the woman can be proven dangerous. You are going to worry yourself sick over a relationship you are powerless to hault. I know you are concerned but this is a losing battle. If you get to pokey in the relationship you will come off as the "bitter ex" and then the relationship between you and the GF will be forever icky. Give it a little time. It may turn out that you were worried over nothing. Dealing with the ex and children from previous marriages can be uncomfortable for some folks, that goes DOUBLE if they have never dated a person with pre-existing children. When I started dating my now husband I had never dated a previously married man who had kids. It took me a little while to figure out what my role was and how to deal with his Ex wife. She was a nightmare to top it all off so it was a really tuff time for me. Maybe the new GF is having some uncertainties on how to deal. Maybe you scare her even...who knows. Relax and give it some time. Maybe she won't even be around that much longer.....
...See More
Allowance question
Q
Comments (13)
I'm inclined to agree with what Colleenoz wrote about not paying kids to do chores, and for the reasons she gave. But I also agree that it's a good idea to teach kids how to earn/manage money and in the Real World, you get paid when you do work. I disagree, Ceph, with paying kids for good attitudes, as I think this risks teaching kids to be phony for a prize, or conversely, to expect to 'get something' out of being nice. It's also very subjective, for both parent and child. Helping with certain basic chores and maintaining a decent attitude should be constants. (This goes both ways: parents providing certain basic things and nice treatment of their children are also non-negotiable.) Maybe have one group of basic expectations which are uncompensated, and another group of optional chores or achievements which will allow the kid to decide if s/he is willing to work for the extra reward. Getting an A+ or doing extra credit work at school, doing some extra chores on top of the basic ones, would earn the kid the "allowance" money. Depending on their ages and your philosophy, they could also have a "basic allowance" in general, not tied to any condition whatsoever, or they could only get money when they do the "extra" chores. But it does seem like there should be a distinction between those things that are done because every person is expected to do them unconditionally, and those things that are optional to work for.
...See More
kathline
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Ceph,

You are one of the SMs here that I have never seen denigrate the child. You are even not critical of the biomom to the child, which you are going to find out is very important down the road. Your SS has some pretty severe ADHD problems, and so far, I havent ever seen you call him names, attribute qualities to him that are less than complimentary, or decide he is doing things to get you riled.

What I have seen you do, is take whatever problem A_ has as a family problem, educate yourself about the symptoms, brainstorm about ways to fix it that keep A_'s self esteem intact, and try different solutions until one works. When something does help, you stick with it, when it doesnt, you discard it.

Your way of doing things is going to get A_ successfully through the teen years, which is not easy to do with a kid with ADHD. I know that whatever happens, when he runs into the inevitable things a kid with ADHD gets into as a teen, you are going to handle it the same way you are now, and that will get your SS through it with the relationship intact.

I cant help but contrast that with some of the other things I read on this forum. YOu keep up the good work. It will pay off with a happy, healthy child, and a strong family.
ceph
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Cat, it's terrible that you have tried, but your DH has such a bad attitude. It seems like your DH is one of the "My children are perfect, and how dare you find fault with them... Oh, but your child sucks" people. That's too bad, because of all the stress it has put on your marriage.

JNM, I thought you shared that philosophy! A__ and I have actually talked about this give and take relationship... After a particularly rough patch, when he was being rather bratty, and I got pretty snippy with him, I explained that I love him no matter what, but that we choose how we treat each other, so we should choose to treat each other well. He seemed to think this was quite reasonable and succinctly said "So if I try to be very nice to you, then you try to be very nice to me? I think I can try to do that"
So we had some hugs and kisses and moved on. We renew this conversation every few months.

Kathline - Thanks, but I'm not all-nice-all-the-time... Here's how:

BM can frustrate me, and I get upset when she doesn't want to "wear her mom hat" because her "GF hat" or her "work hat" get in the way. When she wears her "mom hat," she is a very good mom and she wants what's best for A__, but sometimes she makes me mad because I see A__ getting the short end of the stick.
Overall, she's not so bad though, and she's not mean or spiteful and she doesn't use A__ as a weapon.

Part of why I decided to take an active role in A__'s ADHD management was selfish: I thought "Wow, I'm really nuts about my BF, and I like his son's big heart and goofy personality... but if he's always this out of control, I don't think I can handle being in this relationship... :( " So I learned about ADHD, and I talked to FDH, suggested things that could help A__ and tried to keep positive, focusing on good days, not bad, and looking for his improvements, not his weak points... Meanwhile I worked towards a loving relationship with A__, making sure that I let him set the pace and the boundaries of relationship growth. But it wasn't JUST for A__ or FDH, it was for me too.

There are days (A__'s bad days) when I think "BLARGH!! He's being such a brat today!!" but of course I don't say "Why are you being such a sh17ball?! Stop it!" Instead I try to help him have a good day and shift the focus to that.
Sometimes after a few bad days in a row, my patience gives out and I get cranky with him (mostly my tone changes to short and snippy) but I try to solve things before it hits that.

It helps a lot that I can be honest and frank with FDH about how I feel about A__. I often have A__ when FDH is at work (BM knows and is fine with this) and I know that it's safe to tell FDH "It's a wonderful day! A__ is being a perfect little angel today! He's a treat to have around!" or "Average day. A__'s being mostly good, with a little bit of lip and attitude, but overall well-behaved" or "It's not a good day! A__ is being a total nightmare and I am counting down the seconds until bedtime."

I don't think A__ does things just to get people riled... Although I do think he does things for negative attention. He doesn't always know the way to look for positive attention, and positive attention isn't reinforced in other parts of his life... So I try not to take it personally, and try to focus on ways to look for positive attention.
But if I'm very honest, this is something I don't like about him.

But I guess my view of A__ is that he's got a big heart and is a thoughtful kid, who has a complicated life and a lot of challenges. The complicated life isn't his fault, as long as he is trying to be his best in light of his challenges, I am happy!
doodleboo
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Well said ceph:) It was very important for me to be able to "go the extra mile" under our family circumstances. Not just for the girls but for J as well.

There are so many days when he drags in with the girls exhausted from work, sets up their homework table, cooks dinner while I bathe them and lays their clothes out for school. By 8 o'clock he is dead on his feet but he STILL finds time for family story time every night. He does the best voices!

Just last night after the girls were FINALLY down for the night and he was going into their room for the THIRD time because somebody needed something (this time it was a stuffed cat)I told him "You are the best daddy babe. I am so proud of you." His reply was "Hearing you say that gives me the strength to keep going. Youre a pretty good mama too"

It's about family and supporting each other at all costs. I think that's what the extra mile is all about.

The extra mile sometimes can make or break a person

Have to / Choose to - Ceph's SFamily philosophy

Comments (5)

catlettuce

justnotmartha

Related Discussions

kathline

ceph
Original Author

doodleboo

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Have to / Choose to - Ceph's SFamily philosophy

Comments (5)

catlettuce

justnotmartha

Related Discussions

kathline

cephOriginal Author

doodleboo

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

ceph
Original Author