When you marry someone with children, you must be willing to accept them...even full time. Because, you never know when something might happen that would land the kiddos with you full time. What if she were in a car accident, or developed a fatal illness? He'd be with you full time.

Consider this time to prepare. In reality, once you have more than 2 kids, you are "outwieghed" by kids anyways. Four is no busier than 3, really. And your little ones will have their big brother all the time...they will love that! And your "big boy" might turn out to be just the helper you need. If his maternal grandparents are heavily involved, he'll still probably go visit them, so you'll get a little break from time to time. I'll bet when he does, you'll realize how much you've grown accustomed to having him with you and the babies.

Good luck and enjoy your blessings...all of them.

I'm confused and concerned. You say you want him to fight for his rights.
But what rights are those?

Your very next sentence is that he should not have to pay child support because Grandma is doing all of the work. So by "fight for his rights" you mean stop paying child support? Because you've made it clear you don't want him getting full custody of the boy either.

Other than having the boy simply disappear, what exactly is it that you want?

I strongly suggest you take a few hours in a quiet place (hard to come by, I know) and figure it out.

Nicksmom is right, it's part of the package. I married my DH with 50/50 custody. I was perfectly happy to have every other week with no little kids. My kids are 18-21 and not always home. A year after we married, after a 6 month custody battle that both won/lost (they kept it 50/50), she up and left giving us full custody. Now, I'm a full time step mom. For a while, I resented the BM for leaving. (she just dumped her kid and while SD was angry, hurt, etc. etc., I was the one having to deal with it and BM wouldn't even answer her phone. But that's another issue) My point is, you don't always get to decide and that's a great way to put it nicksmom, if anything were to happen to BM... hadn't thought of that.

What concerns me is that you say the kid drives you nuts but you are used to him. It sounds like you just 'tolerate' him. What does he do that drives you nuts?

I am confused. you were married to your DH for 6 years and kid is 7. So you married when kid was a year old. Assuming that you knew your DH for at least 1 year prior to marrying him, was his exwife pregnant when you have met? Or did he leave her as soon as the baby was born? Or you already knew your DH while he was still married? somehting doesn't add up...

He should go to court and file for custody. In our state they can't take the children out of the state without approval from the other parent. I witnessed at a trial for a mother who wanted to move to another state to help care for her elderly mother. The husband stopped the moved by filing for full custody. The court would not let her move, but kept the custody arrangements that had previously been put in place.

If you truly think something doesn't add up and believe your questions regarding tangential issues to the original topic posted are crucial, please feel free to start another thread...

Just don't hijack the thread with red herring speculations...

it absolutelly is related to this subject. BM wants to take a child away, her reasoning could be very well related to specifics of her divorce with DH. She could also feel that she is the only care giver for her child if she pretty much raised him alone from the day he was born. SS could possibly be a difficult child because of the specifics of divorce. BM could possibly poison him against SM abnd dad due to specifics of divorce etc. We cannot give any kind of advice unless we know what is behind BM's and child's behavior. And it is entirelly up to me what i want to ask anyone and up to OP to answer or not, certainly none of that is up to you. You are not a forum police.

Welcome. Sounds like you *need* us.

Lets hit the child support thing first. If mom has full custody mom will get support. It's not dad's right to take it away. If he could show with certain fact that mom does not spend one dime to benefit your SS in any way he may be able to get a modification, but I think even you know that isn't true. You may not agree with the way *your* money is spent, but unfortunately you don't have to. If the main concern is to free up more monthly cash flow someone should get a 2nd job.

Now for your filling plate. 6 months after I was married we became pregnant (birth control didn't take as long to wear off as dear doc said it would!) 6 months later we found ourselves unexpectedly fighting for emergency custody of my then 5 year old SD. A month to the day before my 1st child was due we got that emergency custody. We had to postpone a court date so I could be induced. I then spent the next 12 months caring for my first baby, my 5 year old rather freaked out SD with a then TOTALLY psycho mom, going to Dr. and psychologist appts., working full time in a VERY stressful 50-60 hour a week job and compiling and perfecting our custody case that just drug on and on in my spare time. Needless to say I was a little stressed. But here I am, still able to type about it. And as hard as it was, and as many times as I wanted to throw in the towel and just crawl into bed I wouldn't trade where we are now for the world. We won the case, had another child, bought a complete fixer upper and remodeled it from the ground up, I coached soccer, dance, cheer, was president of the PTA . . . . my plate is still always full. But the point of this isn't to toot my horn, it's to show you that you don't know what you are capable of until you try. Did I think all these things would be my life when DH and I married? Nope. Did I know just how thin I could stretch without breaking? No way. Have I learned so much about myself, my strength and my capabilities? You bet!

If you want something to work, you can make it so. So as the Wise Sweeby said, first you need to go sit by yourself and figure out what you want. But when you take this time, remember to think about what is best for all of you, not just you. Had I only considered myself when I had my alone time 8 years ago I wouldn't be where I am now . . . and that would be tragic.

I have to agree wiht FD, having a relationship with Dad before divorce final can be problematic as to relationship with mom down the road. And if the child from a former marriage is only one year older than the marriage, the question presents itself.

I also dont understand what OP wants. She doesnt want her DH to get custody, but doesnt want him to pay CS either. IMHO unlikely.

Ok, let me try to answer some of your questions, BTW, thanks for your responses.

When me and the child's father got together he was only 2 yrs old. We didn't get married until January of last year (sorry for the confusion) but we were living together since 2003. I accepted the fact that he had a son. BM couldn't accept the fact that me and her ex were living together and she decided that she wouldn't let him see his son anymore. Well, me and my husband were expecting a son together, then thats when she had filed for Child Support. They (my husband and BM) already had a written agreement that he would give her a certain amount of money for my stepson. Well, she got the order and now they automaticly take the payments from his paycheck.

What I meant by fighting for his rights (which was a bad choice of words) was that he needs to let the courts or somebody know that she doesn't take care of him anymore and that he would give support to the grandma, but not to her. The reason why I don't think that she should receive the support is because my stepson always comes over in need of clean clothes and new shoes. She gets over $150.00 a week and my stepson doesn't have anything that he needs.

I guess the real problem is that my husband needs to grow up too. He hardly takes care of our kids and gets them what they need and now he wants to have complete custody of his other son that I take care of when he is here.
I dunno, maybe I need to go and take a breather because now that I'm writing this, it seems very petty. Did I just confuse you all more? :)...Ok, going to take that breather ha ha

"The reason why I don't think that she should receive the support is because my stepson always comes over in need of clean clothes and new shoes."

How do you know he has "nothing" he needs? Is he emaciated? Homeless? What does the fact that he needs clean clothes have to do with child support? And how can he "always" need new shoes - if visitation is every week or two, and his dad buys him new shoes once (and there is a poster here who can tell you where to find them for four bucks), he shouldn't need new shoes again for at least several months.

I take it the real problem is that your husband isn't much of a father to any of his children. One could ask why you had three children with him, under the circumstances..

He does not live with his mom, he lives with his grandma. The government is helping to take care of her housing and things like that. $150.00 a week should be enough to at least buy him things shouldn't it? And yes, that has EVERYTHING to do with Child Support because that money is for his son, not to be used to help take care of her boyfriend.

"I take it the real problem is that your husband isn't much of a father to any of his children. One could ask why you had three children with him"

Coming from you, that is the funniest thing I've heard in a very long time....

so BM only recently filed for child support? Hmm. She (or grandma or whoever) was raising him all this time and your DH never paid child support? The fact that he has not been seeing his son does not mean he should not be paying CS.

Since DH never paid child support up until recently (when you got pregnant) how can you complain abotu anything? In fact I hope BM files for back child support and your DH will have to pay for all these years he did not pay, no matter if he did not pay to grandma or to mom.

I agree that if he is such a lousy father, does not want to take care of his kids, why keep having kids with him? OK, one, but 3?

And unless you investigated and have a proof, you do not know if mom collects CS and gives it to grandma or spends it on a boyfriend.

What does whether or not his clothes are CLEAN have to do with how much money she spends on her son? My kids are perfectly capable of getting brand new clothes dirty - as a matter of fact, everyone knows that new clothes attract both mud and spaghetti sauce, while old clothes repel them.

ima,

As I have told you previously, when I was having children with my H, he was an excellent father. I wouldn't have had six children with him if he had not been.

Quote:
so BM only recently filed for child support? Hmm. She (or grandma or whoever) was raising him all this time and your DH never paid child support? The fact that he has not been seeing his son does not mean he should not be paying CS.
Since DH never paid child support up until recently (when you got pregnant) how can you complain abotu anything? In fact I hope BM files for back child support and your DH will have to pay for all these years he did not pay, no matter if he did not pay to grandma or to mom.

I agree that if he is such a lousy father, does not want to take care of his kids, why keep having kids with him? OK, one, but 3?

And unless you investigated and have a proof, you do not know if mom collects CS and gives it to grandma or spends it on a boyfriend.
Quote

My husband has been paying child support since him and BM couldn't work things out. They had an agreement on how much he would pay BEFORE I came along. I never once told him not to pay her child support. I never got in the middle of what he and her did concerning their child. She decided that once I got pregnant that she wouldn't let my husband see his son anymore. When she found out that he didn't care one way or the other, then she decided to let him see his son again.
Just this year my stepson has been living with his grandma. And I know all of this because my stepson tells us and also because my sister in law and the BM are best friends and she tells my husband whats going on.

And for the record, my 3 kids has nothing to do with this. I take care of them and I put them first. It's hard to explain how it came about that I have them and it would be off subject and in need of another thread. The only reason that I mentioned them is so you could understand why it would be difficult for me to take on another child full term, especially when I don't receive help from anybody (but God of course).
I'm not saying that my husband don't pay the bills or work for a living, but sometimes I need a break or just some time to get away and I don't have that. Thats all I'm saying.

this is very strange of BM. She was OK with you having two other children but when you got pregnant with the 3rd, she decided to not let her X to see his son. Rather crazy of her.

Well if they get join custody, SS won't be wiht you full time anywyas, just half time.

there is another poster here: BM took a kid out of state and judge allowed. I think judges look at different circumstances. If she is CP, she might have a chance to take kid out of state. Depends what state. If you live on a boarder ot close enough, other state might not be that far away.

"this is very strange of BM. She was OK with you having two other children but when you got pregnant with the 3rd, she decided to not let her X to see his son. Rather crazy of her."

FD, that's not what she said. She said that when she had the first one, BM didn't want him to see his son. Then when she didn't get the reaction she wanted, she relented and let him resume seeing his son (hmm, a BM would never use her child in that way...YEAH RIGHT) She (OP) is now having the third child and BM wants to leave the state with her child but dad doesn't want his child taken away from him. (I don't suppose BM is leaving just to make it difficult for dad... nah a BM would never do that to a child... especially one she would never have used as previously mentioned)

Now, I don't fault SM for feeling overwhelmed, but it IS something that comes with marrying someone with children. It's uncalled for to launch an assault on her when she is seeking advice and gets told her husband isn't much of a father... especially from someone that has six kids with a loser. Just because someone says he was a good father at one time, well that's one person's opinion. Like I said, we all have our own interpretation of what a good father or mother is. In my opinion, a good father/mother would NEVER abandon/leave their child. I don't care how much they used to play with them, how well they took care of them or how much they spent on them. If they bail on their kids, they are not a good parent. Period.

Wow imamommy, you UNDERSTAND :)!!

It's ok though because I decided to leave it alone. The Lord blessed me with 2 children + one on the way so slandering her (BM) is shameful and unnessesary. I have had my stepson since he was 2 yrs old. Now that he is school age, he only comes on the weekends because he has school. I'm sure that life is hard for BM so I'm gonna stop here and leave it at that. Whatever the outcome of this is, I will deal with it the best way that I can. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't want my son to leave my sight, but I'm sure that she only wants a better life for herself and her kids (she has another son from another relationship).
Thanks guys for all of your help, but I'm gonna leave this thread alone and pray for the best for my stepson and accept whatever comes. You've been great...chow.

ima,
As opposed to taking advice from someone who had three kids with three DIFFERENT losers??

You can insult me all you want, but you are not going to malign the father and the man my exH used to be. My exhusband was a good father who adored his children, who shared a strong belief in attachment parenting, and who worked hard but made it clear to his employer that this family came first. He rocked the babies, read bedtime stories, cooked, took them places like the grocery store to give them extra one-on-one time, went to all their school events - from what the OP poster said, her H has never done such things. Over the many, many years that we were having children, there was absolutely no way I could have suspected that he would eventually leave us. I believe that HE would have had no idea that he would eventually leave, either. In fact, he TOLD me as much after he left.

Just wait until you get Alzheimer's and turn into a cranky, paranoid old woman who doesn't recognize her own grandchildren, and your children start to whine about how you have abandoned them and how your behavior at that time negates all of the good you have ever done in your life. Oh wait - Alzheimer's is a disease, and mental illness is - according to you - no more than a moral weakness.

Ima, that wasn't a very nice thing to say to TOS.
TOS, that was a very mean thing to say to Ima.

TOS, I do have a question for you about your ex, and it's just something I don't understand, not trying to fight, so I am going to start a new thread.

I've been reading the posts with great interest.

TOS, your situation sounds so similar to that of what a friend of mine's father did to his wife and children. He was the perfect father and husband. No one saw it coming.

After six children, he had an affair with a woman he worked with and left his wife and children for her. It was horrible and the wife struggled to raise the kids and this wasn't helped by the fact that he then took a lesser paying job and was "unable" to provide proper support. Of course his new wife had a good income so he was taken care of well, but his children and ex-wife did suffer financially.

My friend (this was her father) is a very intelligent woman. She has had years to give what her Dad did to them a lot of thought. She chose to write him out of her life, after much heartache and counseling.

Her father is a Narcissist. What she saw growing up with him was his "false self". This is what he projected to the world. His beautiful wife and children and nice home, good career, etc., fed his narcissistic supply. He took his children to mass every Sunday, talked to them about the ten commandments, and about right and wrong, etc.

But his real self came out 20 years later when he chose to have an affair (it is a choice) and ruin his family and devastate those he should have loved the most. She told me that what devastated her the most was that he was such a hypocrite and that he just wasn't "real".

In my opinion, TOS, there isn't any way you could have ever seen that he could be capable of doing what he did to you and your children.

Thanks, June, I agree. Even in retrospect, there were no signs. Although in my exH's case, it was depression rather than narcissism, the end result was the same.

Justshootme,
It seems from your post that you are overwhelmed and need a good long sit and think session. Some of the ladies are right. When you marry a man with children, you take them as a package and some parts are unexpected. I'll briefly site my own Situation as to what can happen, though it is on the more unusual side.

I married a man with 18 month old twin daughters, mother deceased. I adopted them. When they were 7 he turned to drugs and the short version is I am now their only parent. While it's one of the more unusual situations it just goes to show that anything can happen. I love my girls now 11 more than life itself. And I challenge anyone to dispute that they aren't mine.
Exactly what problems do you have when it comes to parenting stepson?

I am glad somebody said that, june. Sometimes there is no sign.

My exhusband left his 2nd wife (they luckily only have one son, not 6) because of the affair. Not only she had no clue about affair, she did not know there is anything wrong in the realtionship. My X is very family oriented, he is always home, cooks, cleans, take care of the kids, spends his free time with a family. They never fought, he never showed her he is unhappy. He was very streesed at work, but that is about it.

my DD said that in 10 years of dad' marriage to SM she saw no signs of any difficulties in their family life. they were a happy close family. DD said it is a mystery how he managed an affair because he is always either works or does family thing.

I totally believe that TOS had no clue and that he was a decent husband and a father until that happened.

I am so glad monoral that YOUR children have a wonderful mother! Hugs! I wish your family all the best.

And I'm doubly glad I have such wonderfull girls. Thankyou for your hugs and best wishes to yours.

"Posted by ceph (My Page) on Sun, Jun 15, 08 at 10:12

Ima, that wasn't a very nice thing to say to TOS."

The ONLY thing I directed at TOS is:

"It's uncalled for to launch an assault on her when she is seeking advice and gets told her husband isn't much of a father... especially from someone that has six kids with a loser."

I apologize for calling him a loser. It's only my opinion that a loser would do the things that TOS has described him doing.

The rest of what I wrote is MY opinion on what a good/bad parent is. Like I said, it's subjective. Others may feel that a parent that changes diapers, plays with the baby, feeds the baby, etc. is a great parent... until they leave the baby. I don't agree. I believe a good parent puts their child's interests first. They don't leave the baby.

If they choose to drink and they know doing so will hurt their children, they are choosing the action over their child's interests. If they choose to marry someone that doesn't like children but they have children... same thing (worse if they only don't like 'their' children). If they choose to have an affair and break up the family, it's a choice. Depression is not a choice. I've had bouts of depression all my life and when I see it negatively affecting my life, I seek help to keep it from destroying my life. If it takes therapy, medication, exercise or whatever, I do everything I can to make it better. There was a point in my life when I felt suicidal and the first/only thought in my mind was 'what about my kids?' and I knew I had to stay and fight it for them. So, depression is a disease, not a moral weakness, but there are treatments for it and it is manageable. It's also a choice to get help and it's a choice to not get help. (just like alcoholicsm... which I am also very familiar with)

"My exhusband was a good father who adored his children, who shared a strong belief in attachment parenting, and who worked hard but made it clear to his employer that this family came first. He rocked the babies, read bedtime stories, cooked, took them places like the grocery store to give them extra one-on-one time, went to all their school events"

This would be YOUR opinion or idea of what a good father is. Someone else may think a father that was a good provider or good role model is just as good a father. Like I said, it's a matter of each person's opinion or expectation of what a good parent is.

"Just wait until you get Alzheimer's and turn into a cranky, paranoid old woman who doesn't recognize her own grandchildren, and your children start to whine about how you have abandoned them and how your behavior at that time negates all of the good you have ever done in your life. Oh wait - Alzheimer's is a disease, and mental illness is - according to you - no more than a moral weakness."

Perhaps someday I will have Alzheimer's but it doesn't run in our family, but I guess I might get it. I would hope that my kids are learning that in our family, we value family. They see me taking care of my step mom. They see me bathe her. They see me feed her through a feeding tube. They see me clean her trach so she can breathe. They see me administer her medication so she isn't suffering in pain. They see me clean her when she has a bowel movement. They see me bandage her sores and brush her teeth and cover her up so she doesn't get cold. Now the example that they get from me is that children take care of their parents when the parents need them. Hopefully they will learn from what they see me doing.

They hopefully learned through my example that I set as they were growing up, that parents don't abandon their children. It might have been easier for me to dump them off with a grandparent all the time so I could have a life. I didn't run from relationship to relationship, having multiple men in their lives. (the oldest was 3 when I had the youngest and I was alone except the 7 years I lived with my exBF) I did everything to keep my family together as they were growing up. At times, it might have been easier to run away or let someone else raise them, but I was always there for them.

So, if I were to get Alzheimer's or some other disease and need care, I don't think my children would feel that I've abandoned them. I can't say for sure, but they have had a mom that has struggled at times with depression and I've always been here for them and I guess if I chose to leave them instead of dealing with my depression, they might feel like I abandoned them and might think I'm a bad parent. I don't know because I never did that.

(and btw, under your philosophy, my mom was an excellent mother when we were young, but that didn't stop her from the things she did. Just because she took good care of us as babies doesn't mean she's a good parent because she bailed on us anyways. Blame alcohol or depression, but she chose to do the things she did instead of getting help)

I think it is rather pointless to argue what means a good parent on a public forum. We all come from different socio-econonomic levels, background, education, cultures, religions, and values.

We would never agree what are parental repsonsibilities (beyond common sense changing diapers). I don't think the fact that we did not abandon our children makes us good parents. Or it is anything to be proud of. It is just common sense. I never thought it is some kind of big accomplishment that i did not give DD away or did not run aorund chasing sex partners.

For some good parent means the one whose children grow up to be well adjusted professionally succesful compassionate adults. And for some good parent is the one who stayed in bad marriage for the sake of the children. And for some good parent is the one who simply stayed there. Or the ones who provided food and shelter. Or the ones that make kids to do chores or follow set of rules. As you listen to parents whose grown children are estranged from them, they all considered themselves good parents. I think one way to find out if we are good parents it is to ask our children when they are grown (not teenagers lol). They'll tell you.

It is all too tricky to even discuss what means a good parent. Pointless.

"This would be YOUR opinion or idea of what a good father is."

Since we are talking about MY children's father, my opinion and the opinions of our children are the only opinions that matter.

Conversely, I could express my opinion that even though you didn't abandon your children, your controlling behavior, rigidity, and propensity for reading other people's mail makes you a poor parent. I am very, very glad that my parents were nothing like you, but your children may not feel the same.

Men in general are far less likely to seek help for depression than are women. You are very fortunate that your depression was mild enough that you were able to seek help. Not everyone is that fortunate.

Justshootme - I promise you, that after being attacked on here and having all of your words disected into microscopic pieces, taken out of context and told you're wrong a hundred times, you'll want someone to shoot you. LOL!

There are a LOT of people on here that are understanding and supportive and give great advice. There are others that automatically assume that every marriage broke up because of infidelity and the SM was the reason. I'm sure you've already seen that you have to be very choosy with your words.

I'm totally with Nicksmom that when you marry someone with a kid, you have to be prepared to have them full-time. You seem overwhelmed with your young children and are scared to take on another. But it's not fair to want to deny your husband time with all his bio-children, not just the ones with you.

I completely know how there can be negative feelings towards that child. Honestly, I have had plenty of negative feelings towards my FSD and am having some I'm dealing with right now. It's totally normal. You want to protect the man you love AND your children. But it's really not the child's fault. And I bet that if you get him on a more long-term basis, he'll endear himself to you and you'll love him. Sometimes it's better to have longer periods of uninterrupted time to bond than frequent short visits.

My suggestion is to embrace the wonderful father your DH is for wanting to take that step and fight for his child. Do you know how rare that is? Encourage him and take your own feelings out of the mix. A lot of men tend to give in to BMs because they don't want a fight. I wish my FDH would fight for his, but he just gave up. Twice. And now he's estranged from one.

Plus, a 7 y/o can be a lot of help with a new baby. Good luck!