Well, at first I was going to say that he doesn't have to love or even like your kids as long as he treats them with respect, but then two other things you wrote threw that right out the window .... that he shows no affection toward you and worst of all that your 10 year old perceives that he is hated. How horrible that must feel to live in a place where you think you are hated! I suspect he has never had a hand in parenting even in his first marriage. Not all people should have children or be around them. He may be one of them. The question is ... did he just turn this way or was he this way toward the children before you married? Did you marry only for the security? I can't even begin to imagine trying to raise 4 children alone so that is something I could never comment on, but you are raising 4 children alone now - except for the money. Also, whether we like to admit it or not ... the Mom is almost always the one to discipline. We are with them 24/7. Dad comes in the door and doesn't have a clue what has transpired all day ... like that this is the 20th time today that Mary has pulled Sally's hair so something that seems minor to them is major as we se it. Maybe your husband comes home and feels like a stranger in his own home because he is out numbered and this little space on the couch is his domain. Maybe he needs some affection before he can give it. Its all very hard to tell without being there. I think that if you love this man with all your heart and believe that there is a life for you together, you need to take the whole family and get some counseling ... especially for the little one that feels so badly about his step dad. How old are your children? Do you and DH get any alone time? I mean awake. We have 2 teens that just went back to school (our bio-kids by the way) and it is amazing how in the past couple of weeks, DH and I have reconnected to the just us two all day feeling. We work out of the home, so we are together all the time - but when the kids are home it can affect the level of intimacy or the depth of conversations or just that feeling that it is you two against the world that kind of gets lost in the day to day shuffle of football practices, drivers ed, friends homes, work, etc. You need to determine if there is something here to work on. Perhaps you can start a couples counseling session and then grow to add the children.

If you are on the edge of a breakdown, you need to get yourself to a doctor and take care of yourself FIRST. Get some medication to help you to make some decisions that need to be made--get your emotional and mental state in a place where you can function properly. It makes a big difference. That's the first step you need to take.
It doesn't sound like your hubby is the type to voluntarily participate in counseling, but you sound like you would really benefit from it.
If you feel you can't break apart from the marriage (although it sounds like he has), you CAN start spending a lot of time with your kids without depending on or hoping for you hubby's involvement. You all have a life with or without him. Show your kids you're a strong woman. If you don't want to leave him physically, you can still make a stand of independence by doing your own thing with your kids AND YOURSELF. Take care of yourself first!
Do you know the Serenity Prayer? Accept the things you can't change...what are they? List them...and pray for the peace to accept them. Courage to change the things you can... starting with yourself, since you are really the only one you can change! ..;. and wisdom to know the difference.
Step One isn't walking out the door or having a breakdown. It's facing the facts and choosing how you are going to deal with them, one at a time, starting with taking care of yourself. Go to your doctor. Find a therapist. And keep praying!
You will find a lot of support here...I just found the site recently and it has already made such a difference! You aren't alone!
God bless.

First, can you provide some more information to us. What was this man like when you were dating, how did he treat you and your children then, when did you first notice the change in him? Has something else changed in his life to cause him to withdraw this way? job, financial problems? You said that you you fear being a single mother, but if you have only been married to him for 3 years and you have 4 children, you must have been a single mother before. I admit, being a single mother can be a huge task, but I would rather be a single mother than to subject my kids to a man/women that didn't love them and refused to interact with them. These kids deserve a loving environment to grow up in and if being raised in a single parent household is the only way to provide that, than that's what I would do.

Secondly, Rosie I disagree with your initial statement. You should never marry when the step parent cannot love or like your children. As reader have posted before, when you marry a person with children, you are marrying the whole group, not just the man or women. This was my #1 priority when I remarried and while my husband may not love my kids with the same passion in which he loves his own, he loves, likes and enjoys my children and they feel loved and accepted in return.

Quahog was right, prayer can be a tremendous help, but God also gives us choices and maybe the choice he is offering you is to do what is best for your kids and that may be to leave this man.

I will keep you in my prayers. Take Care

You are already a single mother by the sound of it.

You can't change someone else. That is up to them.

But the good news is...

You can work on change for yourself. You can work toward a better, happier day for you and your family.

Take care.

Why did you marry this guy in the first place? For money, for him to be a "father" to your kids? I'm sure you ask yourself the same darn thing every single day so I won't harp on it. I just feel so bad for you and your kids above all. What you have is a louse who likes to ABUSE you all, by withholding affection (a major crime in my book) and by ignoring you exist (another major crime).

Being a single mother is not a bad as some might say. I'm one. I only have one child however. I can't imagine having four children, even if I WAS in a marriage. I also can't imagine being in a situation like yours, even though up until July of this year, I was. It sucks. Having someone around who is uninterested in you, uninterested in your CHILDREN, who balks at the idea of affection, who seemingly only exists in this world to make sure that they let you know you "aren't worth the effort", is very taxing on your soul. It is downright mean. And to NOT want to hug a child? What could be better than knowing that a child loves you?

The situation might not be physically abusive yet, but it will be later. Just wait til those beers start piling up around him and he gets mad from something you do or say or something the kids do or say. Emotional and mental abuse leaves such bad scars but the physical stuff is downright scary, especially to a kid.

Nothing will change your husband, period. If he is a louse of a father and uninterested in you (very sad) then that is how he is. Some people are just programmed to ignore and to withhold affection. My exboyfriend was the same way; he said he was in love yet showed with his actions just how much he despised me and my daughter. The most hurtful part was how much he hated her yet I clung to him for the dumbest reasons ("was afraid of the unknown").

If I were you I'd rather take the plunge into the unknown, trust me, the unknown is much better! At least you can wake up each morning with a smile on your face and see your KIDS smiling, knowing that they, and you, won't have to deal with this emotional and unavailable person in your life. You deserve so much better - so do your kids!

I am speaking from experience here. I wasn't married to my exbf of course, but we were together for 1.5 yrs. I felt the same sadness when he'd berate, yell, and withhold. And I have a very happy ending to my story from that cold, frigid and angry man. I now feel like the luckiest woman on the earth because the man I am with now is not only super-affecionate and caring towards both me AND my little girl, but all he exists for is to give to us and make us both smile! You can find the same, trust me. One man's trash is another man's treasure.

I'm not saying to walk out on this guy or get a divorce; I'm just telling you, you do NOT have to live like this. Go talk to a counselor, they help (just you alone and your kids to get an outsider's view) and see if HE would go with you or without you. Your happiness is waiting for you out there... don't let your husband beat you down, please!

Take Care

- darkeyedgirl

First of all I'd like to thank all of you for your responses. You all make very valid points. I have been seeking counsiling from my church. I'm blessed to have very loyal and dear friends who have stood behind me from the very beginning and offer me so much support. When I chose the subject, I didn't mean a REAL breakdown. I meant it more as a metaphor.

I guess I should have given a little more back ground on the situation. My husband is originally from Michigan. I grew up here in Texas. So there is a geographical barrier to start out with. We met while he was in the air force several years before he moved here. We dated another year before he decided we needed to get married so that we could get the children on his insurance. I had doubts then.. and I should have listened to my instincts but I didn't. So why did I marry him? Well, I did love him at the time and I was willing to take a chance that he would be a good father. He is a great provider but as the ol saying goes, "Money can't buy you happiness" I'd rather be scratching for pennies with a nice man than be comfortable financially with an ice cube. My thinking was, if I don't take the chance, I'll never know. Yes, my children are from a previous marriage that lasted 11 years. I finally got enough of his cheating and wanting to run around that I left him and moved back to the town where I grew up. I had the courage to pack up 4 babies (litterally)and get out. I moved closer to my parents, I started college and finished a 4 year degree in 3 years. I felt so good about myself and all that I was able to accomplish. Regardless of how many times my husband tells me what a terrible mother I am, I know that I am a good mother and I place my children at the top of my priorities. They come first in my life and he can't stand that. Sometimes I think he's jealous of the relationship I have with my kids. I'm very involved with their school and sports activites. I spend a lot of my time with the children.I have three boys 15-13-10 and a little girl who's 8. He's always made comments like "take care of your little princess" or other derogatory coments concerning her. I've never been able to make him understand that she is special, Shes the baby AND the only little girl I'll ever have. My boys know they are special and loved by me as well! I will not apologize to anyone for loving my children. Especially not him. He blames the children for my wanting a divorce. (I've told him I'm filing) He tells me that he's going to make my life a living hell and that I'm going to live to regret what I'm doing. I know it's going to be rough, but I've been a single mother before and we were happy back then. We didn't have squat but we had each other and we were always laughing and playing. My kids should not have to grow up in a house where they are afraid to go to the refrigerator for fear of what he's going to say or do to them! I've made up my mind what I'm going to do. I am going to get out of this relationship. I no longer want to save it and I've run out of hope that he will try to make things work and be a nice person. He's cruel, and mean. They say you can tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother... my husband doesn't even talk to his mother. Sad.. I know. He has three kids in Michigan, One is now a ward of the state, locked up in a Juvenile Center another has been locked up in a mental institution of and on and the third recently ran away for several days and was found with an older guy. I think he resents the fact that my kids are great kids who are active in all kinds of activites from Church to Sports and everybody loves them. They are great kids. Granted... they are normal kids. They aren't perfect. They get into trouble just like any other kids do but they are good, and loving children. We've always hugged a lot and told each other that we love each other regardless of how Cold my husband is. He doesn't even tell ME that he loves me. We haven't been intimate in two years and I can't even remember the last time we shared a kiss! I'll never understand how any human being can be so cold to other people. He asked me what he had denied me over the last three years. I told him... the basic human need of feeling wanted, touch, and just showing me kindness.I guess he figures that paycheck covers all that. Sheeeeesh! If it did, I'd have the perfect marriage!
I know in my heart of hearts that he will never change. Yes, I'm afraid of the unknown.... but I'm even more afraid of how much worse things might get if I stay. I am a strong woman. I can do this.
Thank you all for your imput. It really helps having unbiased views on this issue. I'm very thankful for this forum.

Fear is a great motivator.

It can motivate you to get prepared.

Here are some more things to help you get prepared:

Have a plan for leaving.

Get your budget in order.

Let your family know what you are doing.

Let them (and your lawyer) know about the threats he's made.

Make sure you get a restraining order and keep it with you always.

There are usually some good books at the library on how to tell your kids.

Get some support from close friends -- get some counseling if you need it.

Educate your self on your rights.

Understand that you will run the gamut of emotions -- it's because you are grieving the death of a relationship. So when you are standing in front of the deoderant aisle in the grocery store boohoing -- know it's a process that will work itself through.

Seems your soon-to-be ex has some real issues with women. His unwillingness to look at his own faults tell me you really don't have much to work with.

It's okay to be afraid. Just remember -- it's an emotion too -- don't let it paralyze you and your work toward your own happiness.

Q