I have trouble with the idea of rebound relationships as you don't have enough time to process what went wrong and how to look for different qualities in a new mate that caused the breakdown with the past mate. So often people marry the exact same type of people in a second relationship due to this and it shows in the high second marriage divorce rate. I think sorting time and personal growth time are very beneficial. JMO

One of our children did the "live in the same house" thing until he started his verbal and emotional abuse, she told him he had to leave - she had a prenup, so her leaving was never an option. Her house is split, so he was living in the guest room and bath on other side of house.

I would follow the advise of the attorney. He's most likely trying to make her life miserable so that she will leave. Are they buying the house, not renting? If so, I'm guessing both names are on the loan. At some point, living in the same house does not work and in most states, it's considered common property unless it's in writing otherwise. So I don't totally understand the "do not move out" part... but then I'm not an attorney. DD's separation and divorce is the only one I've lived through, and the circumstances are not the same.

She needs to disengage. Do not argue. Just walk away. Arguing gets her nothing/nowhere. It only upsets her and probably makes him feel better.

If he ever threatens her, verbally or physically, or throws anything she needs to call 911 and have a report filed. If it's a pattern and on record, he could/would be asked to move out - by her and then the court/Judge if necessary. "Fear for my life" goes a long way. She should start a journal immediately, going back to everything she remembers, and write everything down. She can send emails to herself, so he cannot find and/or delete.

As far as dating, she's too fragile, so I wouldn't suggest it right now. She does need to get out, but either on her own or with friends. It sounds like she could use a good support group.

This post was edited by allison0704 on Wed, Apr 17, 13 at 13:25

I take it there are no children involved?

Agree with CL completely. "Mary" needs to find herself and get grounded. Take a class, pursue a hobby, join a health club, volunteer, but not for purposes of meeting prospective 'dates'. If she pursues activities she enjoys (or better yet is passionate about), she'll start to feel better about herself from within. And she'll be in the company of people who share her interests which opens doors to developing friendships. No random date or man is going to give her that. No doubt she's reeling and stinging right now and the attention of other males might make her feel better somehow, but that's going to be fleeting and a bumpy emotional ride, the last thing she needs right now.

Just my humble .02

Thanks for the input. Great comments by everyone.

Just to answer a few questions, they are buying the house together, and both names are on the loan. I'm not really understanding why she can't move out, either, but that is what the attorney has advised. Mary doesn't feel she is in danger - perhaps my use of the word "ugly" was too strong, but things are not good. I've advised detaching and I hope she is following my advice. Fortunately, no kids are involved.

Thanks again!

I would venture to say that her ego is in a fragile state. Strong marriage or no, to be left for another woman makes anyone vulnerable.

I see nothing wrong with on-line dating, but it is not for the faint of heart. You need a thick skin, a sense of humor, and a strong sense of self.

For some women, going out into the dating world can be affirming. It can help them feel desirable. But that type of external validation is not healthy in the long run, however normal it may be.

But for many women, the rough and tumble of dating total strangers can work the other way, and make them feel even worse about themselves and their "flaws".

All in all, for most people it is too soon. She needs to build herself back up first.

I think (based on a friend's experience 5+ years ago) that Match.com and other similar sites require you to be single (or check a box that you are single -- not separated/planning divorce/etc) in order to even set up a profile. So she has likely already had to fudge her situation a bit in order to even set up a profile on the site. Not that this is some sort of criminal offense, but the line is there for a reason -- she's not available. Not technically, and not emotionally. Maybe you can use that as a tool to get her to realize she's jumping the gun a bit.

My take on the situation so far is that neither of them has actually filed for divorce -- is that correct? So it is, unfortunately, something of a waiting game. Each waiting to see if the other files. States vary with regard to whether leaving the marital home can damage a person's case -- she needs to take the advice of her attorney on that issue. She also needs to discuss the possibility of dating with her attorney, and what effect that could have on her case down the road.

The only man Mary should be seeing on a regular basis is her divorce attorney---if he happens to be a man. Otherwise, nada.

jakabedy, match.com does actually let you select "separated" as your marital status. It did when i used it maybe 10 years ago, too. Soon to be ex-H finally filed last week.

I agree kswl, Mary should only be seeing her divorce attorney!

Thanks.

I have a hard time judging. I don't know her, I don't know about her marriage and I certainly don't know how she mourns. She is mourning her marriage and everyone mourns differently. In an ideal world, she wouldn't be dating but I'd need more information before I placed judgement. I wish her peace and happiness.

Personally, no amount of 'stuff' could make me stay in a situation that wasn't healthy for me, no matter what any lawyer advised. (I quit claimed half a share of a California house on acreage for $1,500. Still don't regret it.)

A quit claim does not absolve you of your commitment to pay the mortgage. It only removes you from title. So then you are stuck with the responsibility of the mortgage without ownership of the property.

Trust me. Thirty three years later, it never came back to haunt me.

Since he I the one having the affair and wants out, why doesn't he move out-move in with the girlfriend..The fairest is for the cheater to move out, right?

I haven't read any replies but the first thought that came to my mind after you wrote that she doesn't work, is that she doesn't need to give him any ammo at this time to use against her during settlement.

Let him be the pig he is, while she holds her head up high while being the bigger person.

I am a little old-fashioned in this area, but I vote for no dating until the papers are finalized. Also, I agree that it is best even after that to give yourself time to be comfortable with your life and yourself before jumping back into dating. However, I also think that people are going to do what they want to do and there is little anyone can say to change that and even though you are very very close to her, I would hesitate to say any more than you already have. it sounds as though you had a good conversation. From now on, listen yes. Lecture, no.

ITA with Oak. For legal reasons, she should not date.

Here is an article; not sure how much is state-specific info.

Here is a link that might be useful: Dating while divorcing

I agree with cyn427 "no dating until the papers are finalized" as it reinforces the idea her husband was the cheater. Does that influence the division of property? I don't know anyone who has gone through a cheating situation divorce to ask.

Her time should be spent enhancing her work skills, making a plan for the future and perhaps finding a job so she can support herself and pay on her share of the loan. How does she spend her current days? Until she finds something to constructively occupy her time, is able to support herself and develops some self-respect she could be going from one problem relationship to another.

I agree with cyn427 "no dating until the papers are finalized" as it reinforces the idea her husband was the cheater. Does that influence the division of property?

No.

Almost everything pertaining to divorce law varies by state. My state's laws are particularly bizarre - you must live in different households for a full year to obtain a no-grounds divorce, and if you spend even one night together in the same household it resets the clock.

I don't think dating after becoming separated is intrinsically a bad idea, but some judges look askance at it.