Professional help is the most important thing you can get at this point - professionals are trained to help people cope with this situation, and it is not an easy one. For me, divorce is worse than death, and there are so many emotions going on that you may not know what to make of, especially if you have been dealing with someone who blamed you. You need reinforcement that you are not the one to blame, and I think that professionals are the best to help you understand this. If you get help from your friends (which is also good), they might get too emotional/irrational in their responses, and you need someone who can keep their cool when advising you. Many times friends can give you bad advice or make you seeth with resentment when what you really need is to take control of your life and move forward. There is so much that you will have to put behind you, and you must realize that you cannot change the past or wallow in regrets. That is what I have learned from therapy.

Good luck finding a good therapist - they are not all equally competent, and so you will need referals and references. Often you can tell after interviewing them, and you should not hesitate not to continue seeing a therapist that is not right for you.

Try not to sit home feeling sorry for yourself, even if you do deserve the sympathy. Get out of the house. Treat yourself to a haircut and color and a manicure right off the bat ... you'll immediately feel better. Join a gym and then go there. Go bowling with your girlfriends. Take a book and go sit in a coffee shop and read so that you are out among people. Go to the movies by yourself (I had no idea how enjoyable that could be until I tried it!). Go to a restaurant by yourself and have dinner (again, a real pleasure and always feels like a treat when I do this). You have to start carving out a new life for yourself and you have to get out to do that. If you wait around for other people to do things with you, you might find yourself alone a lot.

Sorry this is happening to you. I think you are getting good advise here on GW.
At the worse time in my marriage, I got a part time job that I love. I have a circle of co workers my DH doesn't know. I have a world that is separate from my world at home and that is very helpful. We are still together, but having my own world has given me more self respect.
What you are doing is hard, but you deserve to be happy and you will find your way.

Aside from the great advice you've received about maintaining professional counselling, would be to do what your heart desires. For 30 years every decision you've made has been devoted to being a mutual one. Now, for the first time in likely more than half your life you can make decisions just for yourself.

For example, have you always had a meal prepared the same exact way, even though it's not your favorite? Well, don't make it any more! Try something different. Change your bedding. Change your furniture around. Paint your bathroom. Get a new perfume. Do whatever makes you happy to your core. But DO NOT throw out things that are related to your life with your estranged husband. Just put those things in a box (like your family photos, gifts he'd given you) and put it in the garage or some place that is not convenient for you to get to. Then call up a girlfriend and go out to a movie. Window shop. Visit the zoo.

Start a whole new life, you have no reason not to pursue what makes you happiest.

Blessings to you, and big hugs. I'm sorry this is happening-it's not easy, but as with any loss, time heals.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think it's pretty typical for the one having the affair and walking out to justify the affair by blaming the spouse and putting all the blame on them, not themselves. Don't let him tear you down and make you feel it's your fault HE had an affair. An affair is exciting...now that he has left, once the "day to day" life sets in with her, it will probably fall apart and he will be left wondering why he threw away a 30 year marriage.

Yes, therapy and getting out as much as possible(even when you feel like curling up in a ball for a good cry) is the best thing you can do. I don't know how old you are, but you might get involved and make new friends at your local senior center....they have lots of activities. Volunteering or finding a part time job in a field that interests you would also be good.

Keep us posted and feel free to call on us for support.

I'm very sorry you're going through this.
I'd want to be sure and get counseling and good financial advice.
And a medical check-up.

I don't know if you will need to get a job for financial reasons, but you might want one to try something new, meet new people, and gain some confidence.

If you will be looking for work, go ahead and start a résumé.
List every skill you have, what software programs you're familiar with, and everything you've volunteered for--at your kids' schools, for politicians, at charities, church, etc.
Explain why there is a gap in (or missing) work history and why you are now seeking employment.
There are free tutorials online for some computer skills, and there are free templates for résumés.
Google everything you're interested in doing, and educate yourself.
If you have questions, someone somewhere has had the same one and has already asked.

Taking good care of yourself by getting enough rest, exercising, and getting hair, makeup, and a mani/pedi done can't hurt either.
I wish you strength, health, and many happy days ahead.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I would like to add a practical suggestion and that is to find a good attorney to help with the divorce and property division. You have a huge task rebuilding and changing your life, but during the changes you should take care of yourself financially as well as emotionally.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is much like a death and even if it is for the best and you know you want to do it, it is something we grieve over.

People always say get out and build a new life, but really, you don't need to rush. Trust your instincts and do what you want to do. Stay at home, go out, take a vacation, do volunteer work, visit friends, read, relax, walk, take a class, whatever. One thing I did discover was that friends tended to invite me to large group parties or out with the women, but never to small dinner parties-odd woman out and all, don't you know. Of course, this was 30 years ago, so I hope things are different now. Just didn't want you to be caught by surprise if that happens.

Just hang in there. It will get easier. Be sure you protect yourself financially, find a counselor/therapist you are comfortable with, and be gentle with yourself. Being on your own can actually be quite wonderful, even though it doesn't seem like it now.

Oh, and be sure to laugh at least once every day!

In my area there are several support groups for women going through divorce. I personally did not do that, but I think it would be great to talk to others who understand where you are at the moment.

Here's what I did -- I got a job. I hated the job but it was great to have my own money and be part of the adult world. that job led to another dreadful job which then led to a job I loved! That was the beginning of a real career for me. Once I was out in the world and meeting people and doing new things, my confidence soared.

It took a few years but I finally landed on my feet. I have to be honest and say that we did not have a bitter divorce and my ex was decent about paying the bills and not fighting to keep me from getting my fair share of our assets (and then some). That made all the difference.

Oh I wish you were near by so I could take you out for lunch and reassure you that you will be okay. Thinking of you. I hope you are getting enough rest. I could not sleep at first and finally got some medication to help me sleep. I was much more able to cope when I had enough rest.

I have no advice or experience but wanted to say I hope the road is not too terribly bumpy and you find your way soon. Rooting for you.

You're getting great advice. Get out of the house & be among people whether it's a job or volunteering. It will get better with time. It's hard to believe now, but at some point in the future you will be thankful that you are out of the marriage.

I can't add to the great advice you've already gotten...only wanted to say I'm sorry you're going through this, his blaming you is just wrong and you know it, so forget all that, and look for the opportunities this new change in lifestyle will afford you. The transition is rough, but I know a lot of divorced women, some remarried, some not, who are far happier with life now than they were before. You just have to find a way from here to there.

I'm divorced, too. And I also got cheated on like you. I still didn't want the divorce, because it made me feel like a failure. But time heals all wounds. A lot of people are divorced, and when you start dating again, I don't think anyone is going to hold it against you.

I am so sorry! My BFF is going through the exact same thing, and is in a divorce care group as well as therapy which has helped her so much. Her soon to be ex also has to pay for a career coach for her since she stayed home and raised their kids and hasn't worked outside the home in over 20 years. You might want to look into that possibility to help you figure out your talents and what kind of work you might enjoy. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

I have nothing to offer but wanted to say how sorry I am. You've been thrust into an entirely new and unwanted world but, as others have said, things seem to always have a way of working out for the best.

We had good friends who divorced after 40+ years. He met his new wife in a divorce therapy group and seems very happy. Ya just never know! My thoughts are with you.

I dunno, I think that if your husband decided to cheat on you thirty years into the marriage and with you being a stay-at-home mom for all those years, you shouldn't have to try to find a career at this point. It was not your choice to end the marriage, it was his. He should be made to give you enough support that you don't have to work.

I'm very sorry this happened to you. Please try to hang in there, and just move on from day to day. Eventually, it should get better.

My parents divorced in a similar situation. She was very bitter and it colored (negatively) the rest of her life.

I divorced after about 13 years of marriage when my husband told me he had a girlfriend and she was pregnant. I was devastated. I was lucky that we didn't own any property, have any children, and that I didn't end up paying him alimony (he didn't have a full time job). We had gotten married young, and didn't communicate very well. If I only knew then...... But I DID get through it, and you can too.

Please get advice and also educate yourself to help protect yourself financially. My mom did not and really got the short end of the stick in their divorce settlement.

I'll agree with others to try not to isolate yourself. Stay in touch with your friends, and maybe volunteer or try to learn something new. Also try to take care of yourself. Divorce is extremely stressful, so do what you can to keep your health strong.

If counseling now is too rough, you may want to postpone it for a few months till it is not quite so fresh and painful. Spend time with YOUR supportive friends. At least for now if possible, avoid, postpone, or eliminate interactions with those who are negative or have strong associations with your husband. You will be in a better frame of mind to deal with them a few months down the road.

Wishing you the best, and remember you are not alone.

This may not be helpful at all, but if you don't already have them, get an iPad, and a netflix subscription. Watching movies in bed is great for those times when you may not be able to sleep.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate all the good advice. I have a very caring group of friends and a support group and a therapist and a lawyer so I think I'm covered on those fronts. I try to stay in the moment and do things to soothe myself.I've had other significant losses and recovered so I believe I will conquer this one too eventually. Thanks again!

I just want to say that, if he "really doesn't believe he did anything wrong", he wouldn't have launched into blaming you and rationalizing . By doing both of those things, he was in fact projecting onto you the guilty he feels, i.e.: he knows he did VERY wrong.

This is no different than a death, and in some ways, it's worse. So I think the same rules apply: give yourself a year for grief and all that goes with it, including not making any major decisions. You, like many others, got caught in a crossfire not of your own making. But you got whacked. Bruises take time to heal. Give yourself that time.

Rather than focusing on the anger and hurt he's caused you, pat yourself on the back as being the more stable, reliable, and honorable of you two, i.e.: the person with greater character in that, presumably you managed to live up to your word to be faithful to him when you married him. That's a GOOD thing.

His trying to make you feel bad, culpable, to blame, is nothing more than guilt and projection. Spit it right back in his face; do not absorb it at all.

Rosa, so glad to hear you have lots of friends, a support group, a therapist, and a lawyer to help get you through this. Hope to hear from you again in the future, and that everything will continue to get better and better for you.

I keep seeing this thread and thinking you're asking for help to get divorced. ha! So, I've got two rather unhelpful thoughts:

1. As one of my favorite authors has written, there's nothing to do, except "you just go on."

2. my extremely cynical take on divorce is that it's not a tragedy, it's a liberation. You're free!

I'm not trying to belittle your pain because I do understand you're hurting. But it's not the end of the world.

I just found out my sister is getting a divorce. She's a SAHM and I'm sick with worry for her. Like I literally feel nauseous so I can only imagine what it must feel like for you. She told me what the process will be and it sounds so daunting and uncertain.

Her DH doesn't want a divorce but is being very civil and accommodating. She thinks he's just trying to lull her into a false sense of security so she's determined to keep her head down and get through to the other side.

I divorced when I was very young and neither of us really had anything so the process was much much different.

Ultimately, it is important right now that you focus on yourself and a bright future. It will be different than what you expected but that does not mean bad. It is a time to learn things about yourself and grow as a person, as difficult as that is but you can choose a positive or negative outlook.
It will help to validate your feelings, if you haven't done so yet, to look at divorce charts that go through the different stages of divorce. You are not alone.

My situation is different because my DH of almost 20 years died (cancer) a year and a half ago, but some of my experiences may be similar to what you'll go through.

You have received great advice and I'm glad that you have friends, a financial advisor, and a lawyer to help you (and fiercely protect you - please let your lawyer do that!) And that you're reaching out here, too.

Just a couple of things that helped me:
- I went out often (and still do), even when I didn't feel like it. Sometimes I made myself go out and I was always glad I did. It was sometimes with girlfriends but just as often with couples - one couple, two couples, or more. It didn't matter how many couples and that I was the only odd number, I still felt included and people don't usually sit by their spouse anyway.
- A dear friend who lost his son gave me a slinky with the advice that it's not a linear process. You'll hear about the stages you go through, but you probably won't progress from one to the next in a straight line. Sometimes I went through all the stages (denial, anger, etc.) within the course of a single day. Every now and then I hold my slinky and think about how far I have come, and I let myself be OK with all the feelings I have had and will have. So I'm sending you a virtual slinky and some good thoughts to help you keep your chin up.

Whether thru death or divorce, financial matters are of utmost importance! If you have a trust together, make sure to see the attorney who handled it for you. There are things that may need changing, but both of you will need to be present. If you have a financial advisor, make an appoinent and have him explain everything from A to Z. Make sure you get your OWN statement every month, either email or a paper statement. Since you've been married more than 10 years, and if he's collecting SS, you're eligible for a portion~if not now, than in the future. Also look into his pension~ you may be listed as the beneficiary, but he could change w/o your knowledge~my best friend found this out the hard way! Get your own checking account as well as a cell phone in your name only.

In other words, anything having to do with present/future finances(stocks, bonds, annuities, 401k, etc)need to be looked at with a fine tooth comb! Unfortunately, that includes the IRS(federal)as well as state taxes.

Stay close with family and friends! They're the best therapy and can help just by listening! And PRAY!! God bless.

It does suck. My wife cheated on me, but I was no day at the beach either.

I compartmentalized my marriage as I do with many aspects of my life. I focused on the woman I first married and minimized the mess. It's hard and took a while (6 months was about right for me). I learned to laugh about the cheating because it beats crying. I don't mean laugh to cover up sadness, but to really see how silly it all is.

To compartmentalize the mess part I created one catch phase that I could tell friends if needed, but mostly to tell myself. "She's 300 lbs and living in a trailer." I don't really know what happened to my x and I have no interest because in my head she's 300 lbs and living in a trailer. Pain is the brain dwelling on an event trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. So I gave my brain an answer...she was dumb and is now 300 lbs and living in a trailer. Visually she's sitting at a kitchen table in a moo-moo smoking and drinking disgusting coffee. Took some training but brain seems pretty happy having an answer and after a while I had no desire to stalk her to see what she was doing, no desire to connect again and try one more time. I have the memory of marrying a great woman, super hot (I even make her more hot in my head), but then she changed into a moron, 300 lbs, and living in a trailer. The appeal faded.

The catch phrase also help cut short talking about the mess. The mess is the mess, nothing to be done about that. No amount of talking is going to provide any insight. Cheating is just plain dumb for all parties. Your husband is now with someone who wants to live with a cheater. So lucky her. He will again and he gets to relive this nightmare over and over, so lucky him. That's their mess. Your mess is over, no reason to dwell on that silly crap so I never really wanted to rehash it for friends and family. I'd say the catch phrase, friends did their duty to ask, and we moved on to a more interesting subject.

Therapists...if you really need to. I've been to therapists with partners. Some are good, some not. They can be a crutch too. It can be just one more place to dwell and vent. Use caution.

Lawyers are there to make money. Use caution trusting what they say. You are the only one responsible for your best interests. Never turn that over to anyone else because it's an illusion. Once again brain trying to trick you. Dumb old brain.

Stay away from booze and other drugs. This isn't the time to get dumb.

I didn't date for 6 months from the time the divorce was final, no matter who came along. Figured anyone who would date someone in that state wasn't someone I'd be interested anyways.

At one point I was considering ending it all...but then I kind of reviewed things and thought "anything I should do first?" I always wanted to going fishing on Great Bear lake...so I should do that first. At that moment a switch flipped...how silly this whole drama was.

Many people do go do lots of new stuff, and whatever works is great. But it may be dreaming of stuff is enough to fill your mind with new adventure. I never went to Great Bear lake. Didn't need to.

I learned a lot from my failed marriage. Worked on myself (I needed it, not saying you do, but who can't stand with a little improvement) and became a much better husband. I did marry again and have had a great marriage for 15 years. I'm so thankful my x cheated on me. I'd send her a carton of cigarettes and a box of Ding Dongs if I knew what trailer park she was living in.

waterbug, that is the funniest thing I've seen in awhile! I know, in a weird way, sometimes those things are blessings..

Waterbug - You are evolved and decorate too? Or did we just get the pleasure of your company when you found us in the new sidebar?

Rosa, I have nothing to add to what has been said but I do want to let you know that I think about you often and hope your transition is not too bumpy.

Oh my goodness, waterbug, what fabulous "perspectacles" you wear. Cigarettes and ding dongs sound like the perfect gifts.

So sorry you're going through this, Rosa. I said on your other thread that I've held the hands of a couple dear friends who've walked this path, and it's really, really hard stuff. They've all come through it ... better on the other side. You've received excellent tips here.

A fulfilling life is the best revenge.

Waterbug......your new wife should also thank your X for cheating...sounds like she landed a great (and funny) guy!

Rosa---hope things are going well for you.