Susan,
Don't feel like a failure. Learn from your mistakes, own them and move forward. Life is one big classroom for us all. May I suggest a book for you- "A Woman's Worth" by Marianne Williamsom"

There is a wonderful book out "The Power Of Now". Read it if you get a chance. I'm not at all mystical or philsophical or anything else but this book has helped me in parts to come to terms with the things inside myself which I have wrestled with. My first husband left me for a younger woman also (I was thirty, she was a baby). At the time I felt wretched. Not only was this woman younger, she was also most unattractive. Cut my self-esteem to ribbons. What can I say except, hang on to yourself. You've made a brave move. You've decided to liberate yourself from a marriage that obviously wasn't working for you and there is no guilt and no blame.

Aldra

Aldra and Maureen: Thanks for the kind words. I am very scared. I will be 50 in September. I have fashioned most of my life around either getting, or keeping a mate. Sadly. While I do have a degree from a well respected art school, I have spent the last 20 or so years at low paying unchallenging jobs. Hence, I only earn around $42,000 per year. I also have a rheumatoid arthritis which makes doing the work of a computer graphic artist more and more difficult. I have tried to get jobs in management or nonproduction, but have not had any luck. I have probably been doing the same thing for way too long. And my age doesn't help either. Thanks for the suggestions. I will get the books. Susan. P.S. are either of you in the Chicago area?

Susan,

I didn't see this coming. I thought you didn't want to divorce from something you said on the other thread?

Are you certain this isn't just 'one of those times' we all have gone through.

I do wish you'd get some counseling together. Your DH has been wrong - about the old album/notes, right up til now, w/ respect to his son. He needs to wise up and not let you go.

Don't let anything damage who you are. Fifty is the old forty, which is the old thirty. Your salary is NOTHING to be ashamed of. You work - through pain, and I know it's painful. Hang in there and even if your husband won't go, talk this out w/ someone.

If it really is time to move on, I understand. You'll be in prayers tonight, either way.

Dana

Susan I understand how you feel, your post brought tears to my eyes. But you have to do what is right for you. If you are sure that divorce is right for you then go for it, get your freedom. It helps if you talk to someone like a therapist to make sure you are making right decision. And if you do, don't let age scare you.

Also focus on yourself not others. You said you spent most of your life getting or keeping a male and these words brought tears in my eyes. i spent most of my adult life trying to make men happy, well I realize more and more that it never pays off. Spend your time making YOURSELF happy now. Enjoy simple things in life. You are in my thoughts.

Susan, this will be a hard time as you probably feel turned inside out. Take some deep breaths and think about YOU. Would you want to move to another area or is the house yours? 50 is not old. Have you considered teaching where you would not be doing all the work with your hands. If in the Chicago area, are there companies where you could contract to be a consultant?
You now don't have to take care of everyone else's problems. Put yourself first and do what you have wanted to do. If you have friends in your field, maybe they have some ideas. Take some time to just relax and go forward.
I wish you the best.
Lynn

Susan,

I am so sorry for you. I don't know your whole story, but I hope you will be okay. Are you friends with your husband? Can you talk about this? You sounded angry when you talked to him before and maybe you and he can talk when you both calm down.
Like I said, I don't know your whole story, but is it just that you need to know that he puts your marriage first? And is it that he needs to know that you don't want to destroy his relationship with his son? What is that you both need? Try to ask that of yourselves and then ask each other if it is possible. You don't sound like you want a divorce. I will keep you in my prayers.

Hello all,
I was surprised and happy to find even more responses to my post this morning.
Lynn: my plan is to stay in our house until we can sell it. My husband wants me to leave, but I think that would be a mistake legally. I have read that the housing market is not project to swing upward until this time next year. If we sold now, we would lose alot of money. I feel that I can live with my husband as a roommate until I get what I need to move on financially. I would like to move closer to my job which is around Water Tower Place in downtown Chicago. It's expensive to live in Chicago. I will probably end up in a very small condo. If I can get around $150,000 out of our house, if I am lucky, I can find a very small condo in the south or west loop. My plan new is sit tight and get my health on track--start with Plaquenol therapy for ra.
ekcs400: You are very right. I need my husband to FINALLY make his marriage a priority. He needs to know that I do not want to destroy his relationship with his son. I just don't want their relationship to destroy our marriage. Which is what has ultimately happened. Sadly, we are not friends. We cannot talk about these issues lovingly.
Finedreams: I am glad to know that I am not the only woman who has repeatedly twisted herself into a pretzel for a man. My parents, good loving people, were not pro education. We were all on our own relative to that. I have a sister and three brothers. My sister and I were raised to marry a nice man and have children. I did not start college until my son was 3 months old. I went to weekend college at first, then got into a good art school and went full time during the day. It took me about 6 years to get my degree. Sadly, a few months later, I met my second husband, a med student...so then my life became about medical school and helping him through it. When it was time for residency, he would not stay in Chicago were my son was. He insisted on going to Boston to MGH. So, I got a job in Boston. My son was 14 years old at the time and he stayed in Chicago with his dad, step mom and siblings.
He came out to spend summers with us. It was difficult but I thought I was doing the best thing for everyone. My husband left me, right before his residency ended, for a med student. They have a child together. He left her a few years later...for another woman. Sorry to babble. I am amazed at how much of my adult life has been wasted trying to please a man...just like you.

Thanks to all for the support.