Cookie, first of all, it's really none of her business that you two get married. Why would you owe her any type of explanation at all? Why do you fear what her reaction will be? If you let her know in advance, she will most likely do everything she can to sabotage the happy event. If you let her know afterwards, you'll most likely get the same reaction, however, your special day will be preserved for the both of you. I would make all of the plans for the wedding to coincide with the kids' weekend with you. Face it, you will NEVER be able to appease this woman no matter what you do or don't do. I'm betting that she will always be a thorn in your relationship's side. I wish you well.

Ooooh Iris. That's not exactly taking the high road...

Believe me, if you can build a decent relationship with your husband's ex, your life will be a much nicer one. So please, do everything in your power to be kind, polite and considerate. She will have the power to make you miserable if she decides she wants to. Don't make her want to.

I'd try the high road first -- Have your fiance tell his ex that you two are planning on getting married. He should tell her at a time when the two of you have the kids so her reaction, if it's bad, will be one she can have in private. He should reassure her of her place in the kid's hearts, and that while you love them and will be a good stepmother, that you'll never try to take her place.

I wouldn't go into a lot of wedding details, but would simply tell her a few weeks in advance when the date will be. I'm assuming you'll want the kids to be at the wedding? But then to go back to their mother's while you two honeymoon? Plan your dates so this type of arrangement is what the legal custody agreement supports, then ask for her help. It would be gracious if you would let her know she would welcome at the wedding, if she would like to attend -- but play that by ear.

As to the child support - that depends on the location. And as to future children, it would be wise to wait a while until you get a good sense of how you and your new husband parent together. Read some of the threads here about "pushing his kids out of the nest" before you have children together, and decide in advance how you think these situations should be handled.

There is no best way to tell her. For one thing. ITs NONE OF HER DAMN BUSINESS. BUT since there are kids involved, let your husband tell her. But tell her short and sweety. First tell the kids before you tell her so she doesn't manipulate them ..though she will later on. If she is upset now she is gonna be a thorn. Believe me, i'm living it. My husbands ex HATES me because i make him happy.
The child support does not change whatsoever. You salary has nothign to do with his previous marriage or obligation. That is your money. You did not marry his ex and you did not divorce her.
Yes, the child support does get adjusted when you have a child with him. It will be lowered accordingly. I'm going through that now. and she is sooooo pist off.
Keep good relationship with your stepkids. Dont' let her sourness and bitterness ruin anythign with them.

How can it be none of her business when it will have such a significant impact of her children? ANYTHING that affects my young children is my business.

I definitely wouldn't tell the children first. It's not polite and it'll very likely backfire. Young children aren't great about keeping secrets, and they shouldn't have to keep their father's wedding a secret. Asking them not to tell their mother puts them in a very awkward position that divides their loyalties.

Just tell her! Be quick, kind, and hope for the best.

Hi Cookie, I'm sure reading this forum is not going to change your mind about getting married to a man with kids. If there is ANY way possible to get along with the ex, make it happen. There is nothing worse than a bitter ex wife and if the children are close to you, that will only make her dislike you more. It is possible to get along with with an ex wife/new wife. My ex husbands' girlfriend is very good to our son and we are not "friends" but are very friendly and we do talk. On the other hand, no matter how I've tried, my current husbands' ex wife has made things very hard for me. As far as child support, she can at any time request an increase, but it depends on your husbands salary. You can, and should go online and find out about child support regulations in your state. I hope things work out for you and your family.

Cookie-
First of all, congratulations. As if you don't have enough to think about with the wedding arrangements, you also have to consider all the legalities of your situation.
When it comes to child support, alimony and other things, the law changes from state to state, so your best bet is to check with your husband's family lawyer (or a good family lawyer you trust independently of the situation, just have that decree in hand).
As far as the children's mother goes, I think the tip you got of informing her when you have the kids is great. Giving her alone digestion time is better (when the children's mother first found out about me and then about the wedding, she didn't even want to see them, so it's better to be safe and the least disruptive in their lives). Your fiance probably knows her pretty well, regardless of the success of their relationship, and knows what the best way to tell her is.
Congratulations again, and best wishes to all four of you!

organic maria...are you kidding? It is absolutley her damn business! This woman will be her childrens second "mom". She will be intimately involved in their lives, and will have the authority to "parent" her children. She may or may not have very different values, rules, and influence over the lives of her children.

Of course it is her 'business"!!!! perhaps she can not do anything about it, but it is certainly her business, because this woman will have a say in every aspect of her childrens life.

And her husband should be the one to inform his ex-wife. And her husband should be the one to tell his children, AFTER her has told his ex-wife.

Organic maria...IMO, you are looking at this through the eyes of the new wife. Instead envision what it would feel like if you were ordered by the court to send your child into the arms of one of YOUR ex-boyfriends... new girlfriend, and she was going to also be your childs new "mom". She may think very differently than you. She may have very different "values" and "rules. She may say yes to everything you say no to. She may compete with you in every way, so your child likes "her better". She may take your child for a haircut, and cut off the beautiful curls you adore. She may try and win your daughters affection by letting her wear the revealing clothes you forbid, in her efforts to win your childs heart.

So of course it is her "business".

Be understanding. Take the high road and do the right thing. otherwise, you will be in for years and years of toxic relationships that will certainly affect your marriage, and who you become through it all.

Be kind. Be understanding. And read this forum from beginning to end before you get married. And when you have finished reading it...wait a few weeks and read it again. So that you go into this with your eyes wide open.

bnicebkind

Please read my posting carefully and dont misunderstand or assume things. I did write that it is the husband that should tell her.
Her 'business' is limited as well. What she does in her house is her business and what i do in mine is mine.
In most situations, the biomom is jealous of the relationship adn has left over emotional baggage that has not been dealt with.
I'm a very understanding person and please dont tell me to take the high road. I've given millions of chances to my husbands exwife and all i've become is an escape goat to everythign when seh doesn't get her way. And no she doesn't think of her kids. She doesn't even appreciate on how well i treat them help them in homework and i'm always considerate of her and never talk bad. But all i get to hear is how the kids love me and how she hates me for that. I understand but i am the one being the big person here. Not the biomom. Considering she is also a druggie i dont think highly of her either but i never say anything bad of her in front of the kids.
She is the one who is controlling and to the point where she will damage her kids in the process without a second thought. You do not know my situation and Like i wrote before. Please read carefully. If you did , you would know i am married already. and havea child of my own. My eyes are very wide open and have been since young. I've lost my mom to cancer at the age of 11 years old. Have had two stepmoms. So i have much experience and knowledge. Plus not everyoen is understanding or kind. Take that into consideration for your thoughts. People who are jealous dont give a hoot about anything but themselves and this is waht this biomom is. If cookie is worried that the ex is going to snap then there is obvious reason to worry.
Its biomoms business to know who will be involved with her kids. But beyond that, especially if she is purposely sabotaging relationships, it is NONE of her business. If she wants to know something she may ask her husband but chances are when the tables are reversed and her exhusband asks her, she will tell him its none of her businesses. You see, people like this, are not understanding. Therefore there is not much you can do. It would be great to all get along in this world. But its reality here. Not a dream.

Cookie

If I had a choice, I would not want to go though what you are about to go through. No matter what you do, it won't be easy. Just ask yourself if you want to go through with this marriage. Cause it will take a good 7 or 8 years to work through it all. I know, I did it. Would I do it again? Yes. But it's been 20 years now and it was hard.

Based on my personal situation, there isn't a good time or place for an ex-wife to be told that her ex-husband is going to be remarried. We knew that was the case in our particular situation, so when she finally confronted DH on the matter (she was "suspicious" because she found it necessary to drive by DH's almost every day to see if I was there, when she realized I was there most days she "realized it must be serious") he told her that yes we were engaged and planning a wedding. She demanded details (only the date was given at the time) and even wanted to know when we got engaged (she's still trying to figure that one out for some reason). When we brought up the thought of my stepson being in the wedding she threw a fit because she didn't want him having part in it...ultimately we didn't have him there (long story) and she threw a fit because we "excluded" him. There's no pleasing an ex that is beyond bitter. There's no easy way to tell her anything. Being courteous/pleasant doesn't work, but I must trudge along and try to be. Hopefully your fiance's ex is a little less...unpleasant...than mine.