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BM Divorcing Again, SD Emotions+BDs

8 years ago

I am finding myself struggling recently with 'stepmotherhood.' I have been with my husband for almost 9 years, married for over 7. Mostly, I have been able to handle things pretty well. It isn't always easy, but we've managed to make things work as smoothly as possible. He has custody of his two children, SS11 and SD13. I have always had a decent relationship with them. I tried very hard for a few years to have a cordial relationship with their mother, but realized several years ago that she is unhealthy and I needed to distance myself from her for my own sake. She is not very involved. She doesn't come to school meetings, school functions, parties, ballgames, etc. Really, she doesn't come to anything, so we do not see her very often. We really weren't seeing her at all other than summer pick-ups/drop-offs. Until school started this year. In the past, she would pick the kids up from school on Friday and drop them off at school on Monday. She no longer does that. She meets us to get them at 6pm on Friday and returns them at 6pm on Sunday. We always go together because it is not good for either one of us to be around her alone. There is an issue every single time. EVERY TIME. We do have a court date coming up in a few weeks to address some other issues. But, there are new, very recent issues that are really bothering me lately.
I have always tried very hard and managed to bite my tongue when needed. Lately, SD is really pushing me (mainly because of the things BM is putting in her head) and BM has just really crossed the line. BM is getting divorced again. She has not told us but her soon-to-be ex husband has and the children have. We found out from the children first after they had been to her house for weekend visitation. SD was extremely upset because the stepfather had been a big part of the peace-keeping in their household. She really seemed to like him and he provided a lot of stability there. SS was more quietly affected and didn't say too much about it.He pretty much keeps to himself and stays in his room the whole weekend when he visits BM. Sadly, that is probably for the best right now.
Two weeks later, when they went back to her house for visitation, she had a male visitor stay with them all weekend. He stayed up playing M-rated video games with SS11 until 10 or 11pm and then they all went outside and rode bikes in the street. He spent the night. After this adventurous weekend, SD13 came home discussing how terrible stepfather is and telling a LOT of things about him. Affairs, Drugs, Lies, Cheating, Stealing, Hitting, etc.
Here is the problem, I don't believe these things are true. I believe BM is lying to SD to get her sympathy and to 'tighten their bond.' She has always treated SD has one of her friends rather than s daughter. Stepfather called my husband last week to apologize about any involvement he had in dealings with her. He was very cordial and said he wanted us to know that he really cared about the kids. I believe him. My husband believes him. We are not exactly ready to be best friends with him and trust him completely or anything. But, we do believe him. We have never really had issues with him. He seemed to be a nice enough guy. He always treated the kids well. There were a few times BM got him to say and do things, but it was obvious that she had put him up to it at the time. We knew that he was trying to keep the peace with her by doing those things. My husband almost sympathized with him, remembering when he was put into similar situations during his relationship with her.
We are really concerned about many things. Firstly, the strange men coming and going in their lives again. We've been through this before, but now that SD is a teenager it just seems even more scary. The kids said they moved again and BM has not notified us and given us an address. We've always had a concern about her picking them up and leaving the state with them because she has family in another state. So, when she continually moves without notification it is a little unnerving.
I realize that BM is their mother. I believe that she loves them (she just doesn't know how to be a mother to them). I know that they love her. I understand that the relationship needs to exist. I know I am just a stepmother. BUT, I am really starting to worry about what it is doing to them.
I am also starting to worry that I won't be able to bite my tongue one day. BM made a derogatory comment toward one of our daughters at drop-off yesterday. She got out of the car to come up to the window to tell us we needed to get SS a haircut. She likes to tell us what we need to do all the time, even though she never does anything. She does/provides absolutely nothing.
BM then leaned in the window and looked at our toddler daughters to comment on them. She does it every time. Every time she makes a snarky litte comment about one of them. They are toddlers. She is a grown woman. She is nothing to them. They are the children that my husband and I share. I don't think she should say anything to them. But, I don't know how to make it stop. I am worried that if I say something, it will cause a big issue. If I don't say something, it will continue and it will get worse. I am worried that she is going to push me too far one day and that I will say something i shouldn't. Like what a terrible person she is. I am afraid I am going to tell her that she is a piece of carp that does nothing to support her own children, exposes them to things that no sane person would want their children around, has random men in and out of the house while they are there, doesn't feed them, doesn't support them financially, moves them from house to house every few months because she just doesn't pay rent, loses cars and cannot drive them anywhere because she just doesn't make payments, leaves them home alone all night while she is nowhere to be found, lies to them about their father, tells them their father is going to Hell, lies to them about me, tells them that we stole them from her (she NEVER had custody of them), lies to them about their stepfather, about their grandmother and our entire family. Puts things in their mind and messes with their emotions. I really want to tell her that she is an absolutely terrible lying, cheating, piece of crap human being. I realize, however, that it would do more harm than good and that the children should never hear me talk that way about or to their mother. That I need to be the bigger person and ignore her catty, immature, comments. Then, I think...what kind of mother am I to let someone speak of my children that way? I cannot allow that!?

So, I am torn. The things that she has done to her own children breaks my heart. I wish I could do something about it. But, she is their mother and I am only their stepmother. However, I refuse to let my daughters be exposed to her foul mouthed, manipulative, piece of trash ways.
Maybe I just needed to vent. But, I would love to know how some of you deal with your biological children being exposed to your stepchildren's mother, when she is not mentally healthy. By the way, doctors have diagnosed her. That is not just me saying that. She is legitimately mentally ill, but refuses to maintain therapy and medication.
I really appreciate any positive feedback or thoughts on ways to handle these situations.

This post was edited by evilstepmommy07 on Mon, Oct 6, 14 at 15:07

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