I am still amazed by people who try to force the children involved to call the new husband "dad"(or the new wife "mom"). What is the point if it doesn't come from the heart?

My friend's mom met and married a man after my friend was already an adult. My friend calls him "Dad," not because anyone asked her to or made her, but because she has grown to love and respect him in that way.

Just last night my five year old (my husband's SD)asked my husband (he didn't ask me, he asked my husband directly) if he could call him "Dad". My husband and I were so shocked we just stared at each other. Once we recovered, we told him, "whatever makes you happy, sweetie." The fact that he sees my husband as playing a very special role in his life touched both of us.

Isn't that the way it should be? It's not "real" if you make the child do it. It came as a shock to us because we never expected him to call my husband "dad" because he has a very devoted "dad" already. I guess this goes to show that a child can definitely have two men that he loves and respects as a father- my son is a very lucky boy!

This jerk sounds controlling and verbally abusive. I would pay very close attention to what he says and does to your SD, and seriously consider going for full custody. The hallmarks of verbal abuse:

>Getting angry for no reason.
>Getting angry for a reason, but totally out of proportion to the situation.
>Calling the person stupid, lazy, fat, ugly, etc.
>Slowly cuts off ties to family and friends.
>Controls finances.
>Throwing things or hitting things when angry to indimidate the victim.
>Unreasonable expectations/rules.
>Using physical gestures, looks and stances to intimidate the victim.
>Blames the victim for angry outbursts. (You made me mad when you did xxx)

Victim reactions:

>Makes excuses for the abuser.
>Confused and unsure about self.
>Does everything possible to not upset the abuser.
>Feels like they are "walking on eggshells" all the time.
>Begins to believe the things the abuser says about them.
Although verbal abuse is typically associated with spouses (and usually leads to physical abuse), children and pets are often the targets too.

I kind of agree with weed - that guy sounds like an abuser. It is too common for the step parent to take out anger for the ex on the step-child. Keep a VERY close eye on it! Make sure you and your husband are open with your SD so that she feels comfortable enough to talk to you. Call her nightly, make sure she can call you at any time. Don't trust that jerk!!!

I think getting a counselor and/or attorney involved is a good idea, if only on a preliminary basis. Also, keep a diary of the events as they happen. Judges love that!! :-)

On the "what do you call the step parent front" I have two points of view...

My daughter was 23 months old when I met my husband. The natural father was very abusive to me and was completely out of the picture and out of our lives. My daughter called my boyfriend (now my DH) "John". When my daughter was 4 we got married. My daughter kept saying "we're" getting married. It was so sweet. The morning of the wedding she was still calling him "John", the minute we walked out of the church she was calling him "Dad" and she hasn't stopped! (He has adopted her, by the way) I don't know why she chose to call him "Dad", she never mentioned it to us, she just did it!

Now, my other point of view is this... my step-daughter was 11 when we got married. She lives with her mother (and now her step father). She called me "mom" a couple of times and I sat her down and we talked. (She has Down's Syndrome) I explained that she has a "Mom" and that she should only call her mommy by that name. We could come up with a special name for her to use for me. Since my first name is awfully impersonal, I thought something special would be nice. She calls me "Mippee" and it works out great. I didn't want to impose on her mother. I know how I would feel if my daughter called her step mother "mom".

I believe that if the natural parent is involved and the child is young, he/she shouldn't call the step-parent "mom" or "dad". Likewise, if the child is old enough to make that decision him/herself or if the natural parent isn't involved in his/her life then it's acceptable.

The step-dad is an abusive bully, and I would sit him down for a chat that involved all four adults and perhaps a child protective services staffer.

If he yells at her for being late (when she is in a car driven by adults, coming through traffic) what does he do if she spills milk, or coughs at the wrong time. Living wiuth a verbal abuser is not good for the child ... can you file for full-time custody with no weekends with the stepdad's abusive behavior as the reason, and with anger management therapy as a condition?

Ask if he yells at her on other occasions, or if he's ever lost his temper and hit her. Someone needs to pull his leash really tight. Subjecting a child to this is not good for the kid.

I agree there is something going on there if he is yelling at her for being late. I knew someone a long time ago that would do that to their daughter (it was a mom). As far as him being 21. GOOD GOD! My mother would kick my rear end into next month if I were to get pregnant by a 21 year old.
Snicker Snicker is right! What an idiot.

Thanks for all the words of wisdom. I agree that he has a REAL problem and is likely a control freak. Why someone would want to stay married to a person like that, especially when they treat your kid so poorly, is beyond my comprehension. I have a feeling that this union won't last very long. I give it another year -- hope I'm right.

Yep, we're watching it very carefully and have been talking to SD about it as well. Yesterday her BM was scheduled to pick up SD after her spring break with us, and I told SD "if she's late, can I yell at you?" ... She rolled her eyes, groaned and laughed. I'm hoping she can see the absurdity of his actions, and at least she can find humor in it.

And you bet "snicker" ... haha! I think their relationship was doomed from the get-go, but they have a kid together. Poor child. Hmmm ... two divorces in less than 10 years with two kids from two dads ... dah-dumb. One day I should thank her for being so stupid as to treat her ex (my hubby) so bad and cheat on him. She gave up a good guy and now I've got him. Her loss, that's for sure!

Hello again. New development. SD's Mom picked her up yesterday, and she left at our house a jacket. SD called at 7:00 am this morning and said her step-dad would pick it up today during his lunch hour. We couldn't find the jacket, so he left empty handed. SD just called -- we finally found the jacket buried in the bottom of her closet and her step dad will come tomorrow to pick it up during his lunch hour (even though they live an hour away, he works in the same town as our home).

Here's the catch -- after prodding her on the importance of this particular jacket (she owns more than one, for sure!), we found that her step-dad again yelled at her about this jacket. My SD is terrified of this man (I use the word "man" loosely when talking about him!). Of course, he was standing there listening to her conversation with us and was afraid to speak. Tomorrow when he comes I will have an opportunity to speak with him about it. Just him and me ... and I plan on taking full advantage of it.

Here's how I see it ... I think I'll first start by asking him why this jacket is so important that he saw the need to make two trips to get it. Then I'll slide into asking him why he yelled at her about it. Followed by why he yells at her when we bring her home late ... and then how she tells us he yells at her for anything and everything.

I want so badly to call him a coward for yelling at her ... and I know if I don't think this thru tonight my anger at him will take over and it will get ugly quickly. I have no patience or tolerance for stupid people like him.

Does anyone have any ideas for keeping my anger at this A$$hole in-check and make it a productive conversation? Honestly, I wouldn't mind if he walked away in tears! But at the same time I understand that he'll only take it out on her. Any ideas on how to approach the situation???

I think you just need to make him aware that you know he's a coward and a bully and that you are watching him. I like your idea of sliding it into it with "Why is this jacket so important?"

I don't think you should take it easy on him. Make it clearn in no uncertain terms that he is to LEAVE HER ALONE and that you will call her tonight at 7:30 and if she isn't available to talk, you will come over to see her personally. If he so much as looks at her wrong, you will get a court order to remove her from the home.

If he does indeed go home and take it out on her, you need to call the police, an attorney and a judge. Have her removed immediately. If there is anything I have learned it is the fact that she only needs to be afraid of him for a judge to do something about it. There doesn't need to be physical abuse, only emotional! If she is scared, that's all it takes.

You did involve the attorney already, right? And are you keeping a journal of the events as they happen? I went through an abusive relationship, and these two things are VERY important if you want to do something about it!

Please please keep me posted on how this goes, I am worried about her!
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OK. My SD's step-dad just picked up the jacket. He told me that it was "her best all-around jacket with all the weather changes" and "he works so close" ...so I asked him if it was worth two trips and all the commotion and fear she had about it after being yelled at. He was quite surprised at that comment. He just stood there like a pre-pubescent doofus and listened to me as I told him, very politely, that we are monitoring the situation and ask her about it often. That it's not fair to yell at her for something like this or if she's brought back a few minutes late. That we always make a point of asking her about and discussing her problems and fears each time we see her.

In other words ... BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!

He just stood there with a dumb look on his face until I was done. Now I think it's time to talk to BM again and let her know that we KNOW what's going on, and if it doesn't change we will sue for full custody. That should get her motivated, I think.

Pashan, thanks for the tip on keeping a journal. Excellent idea. You are right, if we end up in court it will be priceless data. Thanks!

We are definitely prepared to go to court over this if BM doesn't put a leash on this idiot NOW.

I am so happy he reacted that way! You should be quite proud! He needed to know that you are watching him. I also agree that it is time to chat with BM about what could happen to her if they don't get their act together. Hopefully just knowing that you're watching their every move will be enough to keep him toeing the line!

I kept a journal of events with my ex (when he was my husband) to record the abuse. It was so great when we went to court for my divorce, I had the judge wrapped around my little finger with my "details". She so loved me!! :-)

Have you talked to your SD tonight? He didn't come home and take it out on her did he? Just keep us posted!
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How are things going with this? I've not heard anything recently and I think about your step-daughter often... hope all is going well.

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