Congratulations!!! how great. I have no valid advice because I only have one child, but based on other family members: sometimes initial reaction might not be what you expected and it could change over time. My nephew acted rather weird when he was told that they will have another baby, he was like "you are going to do what????Huh?" almost unhappy, so they really worried, it turns out he was just in shock. But then he was very happy. My DD has 3 siblings. She loves them all, but she is the closest with her 1st brother because age difference is not as huge and they can do stuff together, she was already adult when younger two were born and there is not that much in common. In any case other people might give you better advice than me, I am just happy for you. Hurray!

I kind of agree with weed - that guy sounds like an abuser. It is too common for the step parent to take out anger for the ex on the step-child. Keep a VERY close eye on it! Make sure you and your husband are open with your SD so that she feels comfortable enough to talk to you. Call her nightly, make sure she can call you at any time. Don't trust that jerk!!! I think getting a counselor and/or attorney involved is a good idea, if only on a preliminary basis. Also, keep a diary of the events as they happen. Judges love that!! :-) On the "what do you call the step parent front" I have two points of view... My daughter was 23 months old when I met my husband. The natural father was very abusive to me and was completely out of the picture and out of our lives. My daughter called my boyfriend (now my DH) "John". When my daughter was 4 we got married. My daughter kept saying "we're" getting married. It was so sweet. The morning of the wedding she was still calling him "John", the minute we walked out of the church she was calling him "Dad" and she hasn't stopped! (He has adopted her, by the way) I don't know why she chose to call him "Dad", she never mentioned it to us, she just did it! Now, my other point of view is this... my step-daughter was 11 when we got married. She lives with her mother (and now her step father). She called me "mom" a couple of times and I sat her down and we talked. (She has Down's Syndrome) I explained that she has a "Mom" and that she should only call her mommy by that name. We could come up with a special name for her to use for me. Since my first name is awfully impersonal, I thought something special would be nice. She calls me "Mippee" and it works out great. I didn't want to impose on her mother. I know how I would feel if my daughter called her step mother "mom". I believe that if the natural parent is involved and the child is young, he/she shouldn't call the step-parent "mom" or "dad". Likewise, if the child is old enough to make that decision him/herself or if the natural parent isn't involved in his/her life then it's acceptable.

Custody and access are two seperate things. BD has always had joint custody. It's called joint conservators. He has not always had access. He had supervised access. Joint conservatorship basically means we both have exclusive rights and duties to the child. I have two exclusive rights he does not have. The right to designate residence and the right to make educational decisions. We both have the right to seek medical treatment, provide shelter, food and clothing; the right to inform the other conservator of any info concerning health, welfare and education. We both have the right to religious guidance. He has a duty I do not have and that is to provide child support payments in X amount per month. As far as access it's about 60/40 now. It's called expanded standard possession. He has set weekends and days of the week, we split spring break, christmas and thanksgiving. He has superior rights to designate his access during the summer. My access is all other times not outlined as his possession time. Sole custody is extremely hard to get. Even with all of the mess we have been through, bd has always been a joint conservator he just had limited Access for a while. If I had sole custody I would not have to tell him anything about health, school etc. He would not be able to confer with the school. Even with limited access he still had a right to speak to teachers or to get medical records. With expanded standard possession during the school year, on a month with 30 days, Bd has 12 days, I have 18 days. During the summer he averages about 40 total days and I average about 46 give or take a few during a summer break of about 88 days. That almost 50:50 during the summer. Does that make sense?

I'd hesitate to jump to the conclusion that this child truly has 'psychiatric problems' when the doctor supposedly prescribed pills after a 15 minute visit and mom doesn't think it's important enough to send any pills with her to dads. What is the 'diagnosis'? What are the pills? She does sound like she could have a psychiatric problem, but she could also be manipulating the hell outta both her parents and as long as her mom goes along with her antics, she is going to continue to behave this way. If she does have a psychiatric problem, her mother is a contributing factor and nobody, not a step parent or other children in the house (related or not) should have to be subjected to abuse from a child. To turn this into a debate on whether spanking is or isn't acceptable, well corporal punishment is a matter of personal choice. I agree that spanking is not the same as beating. I was spanked on a few occasions (so few, I probably remember every time and I deserved each one). I'm not advocating it, but I don't think it leaves a permanent scar or trauma to get a swat. It works for short term results so I don't think repeatedly spanking for the same infraction works. But, I also think that when you have allowed a child to go too far, it's much harder to rein them back in to behave than if you set the boundaries up front and keep them from crossing them. Pseudo's SD has learned that she is going to get her way by throwing tantrums and making everyone's life hell. She has mom wrapped around her finger to defend her use of the phone. If mom realizes that she is actually making her daughter's living situation worse by doing this, or SD realizes that dad & pseudo are not going to give in to her, then maybe there would be an opportunity for change. Honestly, I think it's going to take for all the grown ups to sit down together and talk. If mom is trying to use her daughter to run off BF, then she needs to be told that what she is doing is hurting her child. If you (pseudo) and dad talk to mom and make this about the child, not about blaming mom for her part in it, them maybe mom would be more receptive to listen. If mom understands that when SD has these meltdowns, she is missing out on fun with the other kids and family. If mom hears that SD is spending most of her time crying or upset and on the phone with her, etc. instead of playing or having fun, then maybe mom might see things differently. Dad needs to bring the issue to mom in a way of saying "look, our daughter is suffering and we need to come together and find a solution to this." When mom thinks this is about SD pissing off SM, then she seems to be on board with SD. If mom thinks it's about SM and Dad blaming her for taking her daughter's calls, she gets defensive, thinking she's only doing what any good mother does (making herself available to her distressed child) and continues to play the game. But, if she is asked in a sincere way to help in finding a solution to her daughter's problems, then she might change her tune. I might even point out to her that this isn't just affecting her daughter's home life, it affects her social life. How is she going to make friends (or keep them) if she can't get along or if she throws fits when she doesn't get her way? Does if affect her learning? What other problems is she going to have as she gets older? That needs to be the focus when talking to mom. At 9 years old, she's too old to start spanking. I think a swat when they are under 5-6 might work to get a point across, but they should have learned by 7 or 8 what is or isn't acceptable. Most kids will test boundaries anyways, just to see if you will give in or they figure out when you are too tired or stressed to stick with it. Teenagers are notorious for it and even my grown kids try to get over on a thing or two.