I'm not sure what they're looking for from your wife other than blood. Frankly, I'm a little disgusted that her father has so little regard for his biofamily and apparently no interest in seeing his grandchildren. My parents couldn't imagine not seeing my young sons almost daily, so that type of relationship is unfathomable to me. I wonder exactly his wife told him that would cause this large a gap to occur. What is your take on her? Is she wicked to the core? You mentioned she started out OK - what exactly happened?

Regardless, if an apology to SM would do the trick for real or fictional incidences, then I suppose I'd be willing to give it a try. Even a somewhat backhanded one of..."I'm so sorry our relationship has deteriorated to this extent. It was a crazy time for me, I was depressed (or whatever/not thinking clearly) and I want to do what I can to repair things so that my children can enjoy you both now..."

Just a thought, but is your wife's father worth any substantial amounts of money - perhaps another motive for his wife to not want to share? I cannot imagine turning my back on my child. My boys are young, but even my 26 y.o. SS who has WRONGED me in many ways and is MIA for the past 2+ years would not be given this type of cold shoulder. I still worry about him though he's been largely a headache, made a lot of bad decisions, etc. Still, I'd welcome his apology or one from his sisters (we get along fine now, but it was a rocky road and I always felt I was due an apology - trying to move beyond it 'cause it's not happening...) Does the SM have children?

Or, being as you are a caring man (I'm not sure my DH would be trying to find support for me here, lol!), could you privately contact your FIL and his wife and elaborate as to how this whole mess has damaged your wife, strained your marriage, and alienated your children from their family? I often think that men deal better in cases such as these - we women are highly charged and overly emotional at times -perhaps you could ask just what it would take to mend things? Arrange a visit for everyone? Do they even know your children? Maybe throw a small reunion and send FIL and his wife tickets? I'm not trying to throw away your money, but perhaps it's worth a try.

Give a little more info if you could. I'm a SM to grown skids all in their twenties. I'm 43, 19 yrs. younger than their dad. I received a lot of bad treatment along the way, but I'd never be able to turn anyone away who sincerely wanted a relationship w/ me. I'm wondering why the dad was so easily led away from his kids? What if your wife and her siblings all showed up at his doorstep? Are the others hurting so much, too? I'm sure there is a tremendous loss in all of their hearts and it just should be much easier to make amends. I hope you or someone can get through to these people - his kids have gone through enough and your wife seems more than sorry for what went down.

Blessings,
Dana

PBandC, your wife's situation is a virtual carbon copy of my own.

My mother died in 2000, my father remarried in 2001. At first all was well, but gradually my stepmother started cutting him off from his family. We also we accused of saying and doing things we never did and my father believed everything his wife said to him. For a period of nearly three years, we had virtually no contact with him at all. Your wife and her siblings have my heartfelt sympathy. There is nothing more heartwrenching than to lose a parent in this manner. It's worse than death in many ways, because at least the person who dies doesn't want to go away.

My dad did eventually reach out to me and my siblings, albeit being my stepmother's back. I can give you the advice of someone who has lived through the heartache and come out the other side, although not completely without scars.

1) Your wife's stepmother is mentally ill. That doesn't mean she isn't responsible for her actions, but it does help explain what is going on. Your wife's father may know, on some level, that what she is saying isn't true, but these types of people are incredibly manipulative and are scary good at twisting people's words and actions.

2) Your wife's father is almost certainly being manipulated as well, but that doesn't excuse his actions or his inability to see beyond the lies.

3) Your wife needs to either write a letter or have a face-to-face meeting with your dad and his wife. Apologize in a straight-forward manner for anything that she has said or done to which they have taken offense. That's it. One apology, blanket, for them to accept or refuse. I also apologized over and over again for things I never did or said. Nothing was ever good enough for my stepmother. The reason for the apology is to get it out in the open, possibly in writing, for now and forever.

4) Provide an avenue for reconciliation but keep in mind they may not take it. My sister and I had tried to have a face-to-face meeting with my dad, which turned into a screaming diatribe from my stepmother. Still, I used the opportunity to face my dad, tell him I loved him and would always love him and would love to have him in my life. I told him that no one has any guarantees and it was possible that we would never see one another again. That meeting didn't yield any results for nearly two years but I was more at peace with the situation. I was able to say, truthfully, that I had done and said everything that I could to heal the situation.

If you or your wife would care to discuss this situation in a more in-depth and personal manner, I am open to that. I know how painful this situation is for your wife. I hate to see anyone go through this. That's why I stay on this board -- to help others who are going through what I've gone through.

Hi, PB

Like L-S, your story is very similar to the situation that happened in my husband's family regarding with his
1/2 siblings. The rift continued for about 10 years, until
a mutual friend of both---phoned both parties and called them on the carpet. "Life's too short...you need to fix this" kind of phone call. This seemed to cut through
the hurt and perceived wounds, etc. In reality, after the passage of time, all parties wanted to reconcile, but didn't know how.

Another opposite thought is that as long as your wife is
pushing, her father can pull away. Maybe she and her sisters should let go, and see if the passage of time will help to heal whatever they consider the insult to be.
Her father's anger is one way to stay connected. Another way to stay connected is with love and affection. If your wife doesn't allow her father to express anger, then maybe he will reach out in another way. Just a thought. Disengaging can often be therapeutic, and draw the other party closer.

Having recently married, I was amazed at how hurtful it can be to receive the cold shoulder from a stepkid.

Nonetheless, as they say, if two people call you a horse, go get some hay. The fact that your FIL and his new wife have no relationship with any of his children speaks volumes. This is your FIL's issue.

You seem to be blaming the SM. In my opinion, the FIL is more culpable, because he is the one who should feel loyalty to his children.

If he is so easily manipulated and disloyal, are you sure that you really want to reconcile with your FIL? He seems pretty self centered.

I agree with lilysuzanne that a blanket apology is best. I don't believe it's necessary for your wife to go through a litany of true and false things she has said or done to her SM/F over the years. One sincere apology will either work or not. I wouldn't go into any details b/c it can possibly heat things up all over again.

If her F & SM do not accept a sincere apology from your wife, then they have other problems they are dealing with. They could be weak emotionally where they just do not have the energy to deal with investing themselves into your wife for fear that a breach might possibly take place again in the future or they can have character-disorders where they cannot maintain any outside relationships for long no matter whether the persons are related or not. They may have physical problems which familymembers are not even aware of.

There can be a multitude of reasons why they are holding grudges and/or familymembers at bay, but if they are cooperative and loving people in their hearts, I believe they will accept a sincere apology.

Having been down this road myself the past 25 years with my dad and SM, I can offer the following insight from my journey:

I also apologized to my dad for anything I might have done, have told him countless times this isn't what I want. I've reminded him life is short and not to be taken for granted. I've sent heartfelt letters all of which were ignored. There's comes a point where you finally have to let go. It's incredibly painful but you have to realize these people aren't comfortable with you in their life.

It sounds like your wife has reached the point where she needs to maintain her peace of mind before the poison spreads...and it is poison. She could make one last attempt at offering peace but if it's ignored, I would suggest she let them go and devote her energy to the family that does love her.

My heart goes out to her and you too... My husband had endured with me and it's not been easy on him either..

My heart goes out to you and your family. You have received some great advise (people on this forum are awesome). I agree that an apology (maybe in writing) to both the F and SM may help or just send a "Thinking of You" card with a little note in it - maybe add some family photos etc. Don't try to dwell on the past but brighten the future. I realize that is not easy as I am living thru that right now.
Good Luck - my thoughts are with you.

My thoughts are that it might be best to deliver the apology in person, if possible. If not, it is my opinion the next best way would be by phone - with both F & SM on together.

My fear is that delivery by mail might cause more questions than answers: did they receive the letter? how long should we give them to respond? why aren't they responding? etc. etc.

It is true that if the apology is rejected, your wife may need to let it go. At least she will know that she gave it her best shot. If one side is not willing to reconcile, we cannot change the situation through our willing it to be so. No use banging her head until it's bloody and she can't function any longer.

My prayers are with you and your wife that this apology will be accepted and that this will be the beginning of a reconciliation with her family. Please update us.

It seems to me that the Stepmother, for whatever reason, has long ago decided that the stepchildren are to be eliminated from the family. As painful as that it is, it would seem like it is time to give up./

I don't agree with kkny - people change over time and an apology should at least be attempted. Give people a chance for reconciliation. If they reject it, move on. But at least attempt it.

I'm just had a cut-off from my dad just 3 weeks ago. Like the other adult stepchildren, I also have a very insecure and wicked SM. She would passive aggressively attack us (my wife and I) to get back at my father. For the past year I have confronted him on his wife's behavior but he chose to ignore and live in denial. He even had the nerve to turn it back on me and my wife, saying that we were too sensitive. What a joke! I told him that I basically wanted only a relationship with him and him alone. He could not have a relationship with me without including his wife. He also couldn't handle the fact that I stood up to him and said I no longer was going to be his doormat. I lost my father when my mother died. I realized that my mother was the one that "civilized" him. He totally changed when mom passed away and he married his new wife. He became a selfish jackass who only thought about himself. I blame him, not my SM for our estrangement. She means nothing to me. If he married someone nicer and more secure with herself, I don't think we would have this problem now. But ultimately he is the one that made the choice to be selfish, not my SM. My father and SM are toxic people. I'm still hurting from this cut-off. I feel sad at times, but most times I'm overwhelmed by anger. It is difficult to cut-off family but I believe in the long run, I'll be a happier person. When my father was in my life, all he caused me was misery.

I think your wife needs to move on with her life. She needs to stop apologizing to her father. If didn't accept her apology the first time, he isn't worth the trouble. She needs to let go and understand her father is not the same person she knew growing up. He has become selfish and he wants the world to revolve around him. She is only victimizing herself if she hangs on. She needs to focus on her immediate family. My wife has been my rock through this
entire process. She is the one that is giving me strength to move on with my life. You need to be the rock for your wife.

I did not mean to be cruel, but if stepmom had any change of heart, I think she would have communicated to Dad. I have to beleive he spoke to SM after the latest phonecall. Your wife has to concentrate on making the best of her life.

Hi -
Like I have written you before, my heart hurts for you and the estrangement issue since it continues to cause you pain. I hope you can move on and heal in time. It sounds like you have a wonderful life partner beside you and for that you are extremely blessed.

Please know that I mean no disrespect here but I would like to address a few things you wrote. One is that you said your dad has always caused you misery. Apparently, he has not changed as much as you might think.

Like you wrote, he's not the same person he was when you were growing up. At that time, you were probably seeing him in a more positive light - from the perspective of a child. Now you may be seeing him from an adult perspective and you may need to negotiate a more equal relationship - one that is new to both of you.

Another point I'd like to address is the fact that all persons have a right to live happy lives. Sometimes there's a possibility that when we grow up and become adults, we do not appreciate our parents' characteristics and vice versa. When this occurs, if we cannot make peace between ourselves and them we sometimes must move on as you are attempting to do. But if you move on from this perspective, it will be for your own health (i.e. removing yourself from a toxic relationship) not out of punishment towards the other person.

Not to necessarily defend your father here, but it might be true that he is upset with you b/c you continue to refuse to include his wife. Granted, he should be willing to meet with you at times and spend alone time with you as father & child, but there should also be times when you, your partner and he and his partner come together to spend time together. How can you expect someone to divide their emotional lives so completely?

It does not seem fair of you to exclude his wife completely if she is willing to be there (as uncomfortable as that may be for her knowing you don't want her there). It looks like part of the problem could be that your father feels like you've given him no wiggle room - it's your way or the highway - to put it bluntly. And when you stop to think about it, how would you feel if your father only wanted to see you and exclude your wife when you & your wife might wish for her to be included at times? How would you expect him to have a relationship with your children without your wife there sometimes? Split lives are tremendously hard to maintain b/c you're asking your father to cut out a huge piece of his heart when you're talking about leaving out a partner. Would it be so awful to be polite and civil to his wife on the rare occasions when you'd need to be together? Can you think of her as a neighbor you don't like but at least be civil to her in respect for your father?

Like I wrote before, I mean no disrespect here. I'm only trying to get you to think about some questions that have arisen on my part regarding your situation.

All said and done, we each must make our own decisions about how much a relationship is "costing us" - in time, demands, emotional cost, manipulations we have to put up with, etc. Sometimes it's just not worth it to continue beating a dead horse and we must move on towards our own happiness. I only hope if you are choosing the estrangement, you are doing so out of health for yourself and not as some kind of continued punishment it may be causing your father.

My father is the one who had the attitude, my way or the highway. He is the one who initiated the cut-off because he is the one who couldn't handle the truth being shoved into his face. His wife obviously had no respect for me and my family, so why should I "pretend" to be nice to her? I was nice and civil towards her for 5 loooong years, but she was nothing but a mean and vindictive person to me. On Easter, she went so low to use our 2 yr old son to get back at us and my father had the nerve to take her side. I tell you, she is SICK and for my father to standby and take her side, that made me sick. I was tired of being the nice guy because my father took full advantage of my generousity. For 5 years I tolerated my SM's bad behavior. Why should I have to tolerated it for another 10 or 15 more years? Why should I have to deal with type of behavior? My father was not going to do anything to control his wife. Estrangement is the best solution for both my father and I because we don't see any type of compromise. We have caused nothing but stress for each other. So, to answer your question, I'm not estranged from my father to punish him. It's to save myself from going crazy.

I'm just so sorry so many of you have had to deal w/ this. It seems like you've all lost a lovely woman in your mother, and dad replaced her w/ the exact opposite.

I hear your pain and I will pray for you all. I'm so, so lucky to have two wonderful, living parents, married 51 yrs. Lots of stumbles, but never a fall.

Keep the faith. We are almost all parents now and I know I'd never be content to not see my grown kids on a regular basis. Afraid I'd kick anyone to the curb who'd suggest such things. I hope your missing parents come to terms w/ that and let go of the demons that haunt them...namely, the SMs.

D

Hi again -
Thank you for clarifying your particular situation. Like you say, if you were civil and polite to SM for five long years and not receiving reciprocal behavior from her, you have every right to stand your ground.

Your situation sounds a lot like lilysuzanne40's - she tried meeting her SM halfway but to no avail. Her SM is obviously mentally ill. Sounds like yours might be too.

Good for you that you are taking care of yourself by using self-respect. When our attempts to reconcile are not met halfway we have no choice but to walk away in order to heal.

Blessings to you and your partner!

I dont think it is a case of stand your ground. I just think the situation is hopeless, and rather than an adult stepchild just butting her head agaisnt the wall, she shoudl give up.

Hi notwicked,

Yes, my situation is a lot like lilysuzanne40 and organic maureen. My father expected me to tolerate and understand
his wife, but I did it for 5 looong years. I understand that she is mentally ill and there is nothing I can do about it. My father refused to meet me halfway to save our relationship, so yes, the only option I had was to walk away in order to heal. Below is a link to a website that talks about toxic people and how to deal with them. You either walk away from the situation or you need to try to engage in detachment. It was difficult to detach from my father who I still love because my feelings and emotions kept on getting in the way.

http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art39146.asp

Bless you all for your kind words and thoughtful responses.

I was relating this problem to a friend recently who said, "you know this is a terribly common problem." It never occurred to me before, but he was right. But my initial Internet research on this issue seemed to suggest that not so many people were expressing the problem from my - or my wife's - point of view. But I see that her experience is far from unique.

I should also say that I tried not to inject my personal appraisal of the SM into my description of the problem. I wondered if I was missing some aspect of her viewpoint.

To answer some questions:

Problems sort of snuck up on us after the fact. We thought things were wonderful in the new family. My wife was fond of her SM and we thought she was a "real catch". She is intelligent, funny and affectionate to my FIL. My first inkling of trouble was when I learned of a telephone argument between my SIL and the SM (arguing over what, I can't recall), in which the SM abruptly stopped conversing with my SIL and began violently "reacting" to an imaginary conversation in which my SIL was hurling imaginary insults, etc. This reaction was, of course, in the presence of my FIL, who inferred from it that my sister in law was behaving horribly. Fortunately my wife never experienced this. But she did "butt heads" with her SM more and more often, and with each conflict the SM would reveal to her and my FIL some episode in the past so horrible that she could barely stand to repeat it, knowing how it would devastate her husband, etc., etc. And so the rich tapestry of my wife's mean behavior was gradually woven for my FIL. None of it was true of course. Today, it is this long list of imaginary deeds that is my wife's burden to apologize for.

There is little or no inheritance at stake, so money is not the issue

I am grateful to those of you who expressed the opinion that the father should be able to deal with his children outside of any disagreements they may have with their SM. My FIL has said that he refuses to have a relationship with his children if it excludes the SM in any way, or if they do not show the SM proper respect. However, I can't imagine shutting my own children out of my life merely because they don't get along with my wife. What must he think of them in order to do this...

I think the SM has manipulated (consciously or not, I don't know) my FIL into severing ties with his children. In order to do this she has framed a picture of his children so horrible that he would be happier never to see them or his grandchildren again. If it were merely that his daughters were disrespectful or rude to the SM, it would not be sufficient grounds to write them off entire. Rather, the children must have done something far, far worse!

I don't think it is enough for my wife to say, "I'm sorry for whatever I did," or "I'm sorry if you were hurt by something I did," or "I'm sorry for everything that I have ever done or said that might have hurt you." She has offered these already. What is required is an admission that she meant to hurt the SM, that she did everything on purpose, and that the SM's pain and suffering was her only goal! But even if she did apologize so broadly (as if she could bring herself to lie like that), where does she go from there? She would have just admitted to deep loathing for the SM, and how could she recover a relationship from a whopper like that?

I don't think this situation has been created by accident: It is a protective cage that the SM has carefully constructed, and it may be unbreakable.

I like this advice: "4) Provide an avenue for reconciliation but keep in mind they may not take it." It seems the only sensible thing left to us.

I don't think this situation has been created by accident: It is a protective cage that the SM has carefully constructed, and it may be unbreakable.

Trust me, this was probably her intent from the beginning. She wanted to "isolate" your FIL from his children. Some women thrive on showing how much power they have over men. Your wife's SM did just that and she was able to convince your FIL that she was the victim. She is insecure and possibly mentally ill. If your wife and FIL can't find a middle ground to work from, then she will have to walk away and in order to save herself from more hurt and rejection.

PBandC,

I'm beginning to think your wife is my sister. lol ... Seriously, this sounds so much like my stepmother, it's almost eerie.

The only way we were able to get through to my dad was to offer the blanket apology, and then step back. After I'd reached out in every way possible and still had been rejected, I had come to terms with the fact that I'd lost my dad forever.

He reached out to the family again recently. It had taken him a while to realize that his wife was lying about his children. Sadly, it doesn't seem as if your father-in-law is going to come to that realization.

I would urge your wife to seek grief counseling because what she is going through is very similar to death. I went to a counselor to deal with my feelings over my father's rejection and it really did help.

Your wife is lucky to have you. This type of situation is horribly common and terribly painful.

Hi, everyone... I am new here, and this is actually my very first post. I have been reading these pages as well as some similar things on the internet, trying to comprehend the situation I am now in, which is totally like that of OP and which has me absolutely stunned even though I have for years vaguely suspected something like this would go down as it is now.
My situation differs from OP only in that my father is now DYING of lung cancer, out-of-state, and I have been told not to come for the annual X-mas visit I have made for the last 20 yrs of my life, since a child (I am 31 now). And the other difference is that, in this case, unfortunately, money is a factor, likely the motivating factor for all of it.
The woman in his life ---I should say TAKING OVER his life--- is now "officially" my Stepmother, as of October 2007, because at this point my dad no longer has the strength to stand up to her pushy, endless and relentless efforts to get him to marry her ---w/o pre-up of course, which was the hold-up all these years: his wanting one for my sake and her refusal--- or any of her other demands which include, but are not limited to:
Having her sister and brother-in-law up there for X-mas INSTEAD of me (I offered to sleep on the floor just to be able to share the X-mas's I've shared with my father since a little girl but was told 'no'); having my dad not only pay down the rest of the mortgage on his house she's getting because *I* (perhaps stupidly) said she should have full ownership of it even though he originally wanted she and I to share it (and he must liquidate many of his antiques to pay off the mortgage since those are his prime assets besides the house); and she ALSO keeps hounding him to pay for and/or execute himself a laundry list of home improvements, such as a 2nd bathroom, a deck, a plasma tv, new kitchen and an extra closet for her endless mounds of clothes... all this work, commotion in the house while he is undergoing chemo, in pain, exhausted and drugged-up like you wouldn't believe. Her attitude is "all this HAS to happen before you die because I can't possibly figure out or pay for it after you're gone with what you're planning on leaving me", I guess it just isn't enough for her. So, basically, these fancy home-improvements are more important than the precious little time has left on this earth to see his own daughter.
I am currently finishing up my last semester of schooling that I worked many hard years to attain, and he and I had agreed that I needed to stay and finish. But I did spend this past summer with him, taking unpaid leave from my job, after uprooting my whole life and at great expense to myself (I support myself and am by no means wealthy) to be able to go up there and be of help, to do whatever I could for him. Instead, she acted like (and even SAID) that my purpose in being there was to "relieve" her, but I have no idea what she had actually done. She did not lift a finger to do anything about cooking for him or even washing the dishes, or doing his laundry (never has done these things, why should my dad dying of cancer change that?!). All she could do was stay on top of his drugs, his money, snottily refuse to eat the food I cooked as if I was insulting HER by cooking him a decent meal, or critiquing the way I changed her cats' litterbox which she also would not do herself. At least half of my cherished time visiting my father was spent in his kitchen, or doing other chores, not that I am in ANY WAY unwilling to do those things. It's partially what I came up there to do (besides, of course, sharing time with my father!) It's just that she was only working two days/week during this time and simply couldn't be bothered to help, only to pitch petty little fits about what I did.
In a private moment, where my dad had asked me to tell him anyting and everything that had been on my mind or any concerns I had about his will or anything of that sort (since we'd been talking about it quite openly), I said "I just want to be sure things go your way and I feel strongly that matters need to be tightened up to make sure that they do. Just take the same precautions that any lawyer would advise for any client with children from a previous marriage and a 2nd spouse." He seemed to listen (For all these years I had always more or less held in my suspicions and all the pain concerning her because I never wanted to rock the boat) and even shared a few of his own concerns about her, i.e:
He couldn't understand why she has so many thousands of dollars of credit card debt when she has had decent-paying jobs and pays no expenses to the household unless he drags his tail and asks her to chip in...where has the money gone?; he couldn't understand why she can't lift a finger; and he couldn't understand why her sister kept insisting on coming up there, indefinitely, right away, like literally THE DAY he was diagnosed.
It was so creepy that day he was diagnosed: "SM" basically announced, a mere 2 hours after the diagnosis which came very suddenly, that they would be getting married ASAP and that her sister would be moving up there ASAP. That was a year ago, and he put it off I think as long as he could. (My dad had refused to have her sister up there while I was visiting because he wanted our time alone together; I had been willing to compromise on agreeing she could be welcome for a 2-week visit, but he didn't want her there at all and couldn't understand why the 2 of them were being so freaking pushy about it). Well she finally got him to marry her, out of all the sleazy desperate ways, by luring him with marital health insurance benefits even though his own coverage was already quite good. She also, I believe, has been drugging him like crazy ---she's "in pharmacy"--- and manipulating/twisting my words and intentions around so that I look like some horrible person for wanting to make sure my dad doesn't take any chances with how he wants things to go ---not just with his money--- after he's gone.
It's so obvious to me and many others I've told, and HAS been obvious due to so many instances I can detail at some other time, that her intention has been to remove me, and all his other family memebers btw, out of his life just so she can greedily grab all his assets for herself. And even though I've seen this coming, I am still shocked, and I struggle to understand "her side" (i.e. the things she has "put up with" or "had to sacrifice" on my account.
As for X-mas visits, she actually told me last year that one of the things she resented me for was that, due to my existence, she could never go see her own family for the holidays... like someone was holding a gun to her head, keeping her from going. Well, guess what, she has made her long-lost dream of having my dad AND her relatives for X-mas, at my expense, and in all likelihood this is probably going to be my dad's last X-mas on this earth. I blame him 'halfway', because yes he should have more backbone and more intelligence and NOT insist that I "apologize", and HE should not expect ME to "just trust her" (that's how she wants it of course) when for so many years he hasn't either... But it's only 'half blame' b/c I also know he is on a cocktail of intense drugs, is facing some rude awakenings, deep-down, and is dependent on her and probably desperately afraid to die (though he is trying to hide it and 'be strong'). I do not know how else to comprehend this surreal, excruciating set of events. It's all so devastating, and I can't fathom how these women justify it to themselves... what are their petty rationalizations? I'm sorry this is so long, but this is my story.

Hugs, I am so sorry for you. Posting your story is warning to all stepchildren out there.

How is it up to her? Is your dad in agreement with you not being there? If you really want to go, how is she going to stop you? Can't you stay in a hotel and go visit him? It doesn't make sense to me. And how long have they been together?

There is some truth to KKNY's warning but not all situations are like that. My dad is my step mom's third husband and ten years after they married, she became ill. She's terminal and he's cared for her the last ten years. Her own kids don't visit or call to see how she is. I help take care of my step mom. Yet, her children feel entitled to get an inheritance when she finally dies. She's still alive and they've already been to court twice. They apparently can't wait for her to die.

So KKNY, in that circumstance, do you think my dad (their step dad) should give them anything? By law, he's the spouse in a community property state and there is no will or prenup. After all, they are her bio kids. What would you give them?

PS
(also keep in mind that he's already paid her daughter $60K (in cash) and two years free living expenses for providing some care for her and given them her car, clothes, jewelery, and items that their grandfather left their mother when he died. But they still want cash.)

Ima,

I would have no expectation that your dad would give them anything. While 60K sounds like a lot to some people, I would have to understand the size of SMs estate, where it came from etc to judge what he should do.

Serenity, it's awful that you're going through all this.
Talking frankly to your dad was a good move. At the very least, you won't regret that you didn't speak your mind.
I don't know if you have any legal ground here - if you're concerned maybe you should talk to a lawyer?

Please remember though, not all step moms are like that. Mine is great. We may not always see eye to eye on everything, but she loves my dad and helps him with how to relate to his adult children.

My step mom made about $40K a year when she fell ill. She had $20K from the sale of a house she had prior to the marriage that she invested in their house together, valued at $150K at the time she got sick.(It's now worth over $300K~ down from $425-450 when the market was good). He has refinanced it at least two times to pay for her 24 hour care (including to get the $60K to pay her daughter off) The daugher lived in the house for two years, rent & utility free while she cared for her mom in the house. She was supposed to live in the house and care for her mom until she died but my step mom has survived longer than anyone expected. So, my dad paid her the $60K which is almost half of the value when she became ill. Stepmom inherited about $50K from her father's estate a few years before and kept it in a separate account, although the account that it was in had significantly less, so my dad doesn't know what she did with that money. She may have loaned her kids money from that.

Her kids were trying to get a court to recognize that my father's business was community property, even though he inherited it from my grandfather. They are greedy, selfish children that abandoned their mother when she fell ill and only care about the money.

My point is that not all children are deserving of anything from their parent. Before my step mom became ill, her kids (especially her daughter) called, visited and spent time with her. I'm sure that she would have wanted to leave them something, just as most parents do. However, it is because she has lingered for ten years that their true colors have been shown. I will Thank the Lord if she doesn't know how they have abandoned her. She lays there day after day, not able to speak and staring off in her own place. I hope she doesn't know what has happened to her or that she isn't in pain. It's nice to believe we should leave our children something but the children should never feel entitled.

I'm not saying this in regard to your post Serenity. I think you should go see your dad and not let her stop you. I lost my aunt to cancer on Father's day and all I can say is spend every minute you can with him, talking to him and letting him know you love him. If it's not about the money, let it go and cherish the time you have with your father. In the end, what comes around, goes around. She may be greedy and take monetary things, but when her time comes to go, she will reap what she has sown. There are courts to deal with all that later, if necessary. But you only have so much time with the people you love. Don't waste it.

--"How is it up to her? Is your dad in agreement with you not being there? If you really want to go, how is she going to stop you? Can't you stay in a hotel and go visit him? It doesn't make sense to me. And how long have they been together?"--

Well, this is the quandary Im currently in, trying to figure out what I should do, and if, in fact, I SHOULD just go up there regardless. I have gathered, from my dad being the one to tell me not to come for X-mas, even after my offer to sleep *wherever*, that he simply does not want me there. Or, to be more precise, SHE does not want me there, HE is ambivalent and for whatever reason he was chosen to be the mouthpiece (most likely chosen by HER, to hurt ME even more... To be quite honest, I am NOT 100% sure where HER wishes regarding this X-mas non-visit leave off and where HIS begin. Sadly, I do not think that HE even knows. (All this confusion is why I only maintain Âhalf anger at HIM in all this.)

There is the other matter of me ---IÂll just put it bluntly--- just plain not having the money, especially with the airfares as they currently stand, to book a X-mas flight there now. IÂm a struggling student, and admittedly something of a "late bloomer" success-wise... However, money is not an issue for them, as I guess youÂve deduced. Or it shouldnÂt be, however I suspect that all the home improvements and mortgage payments for her may have cut into that. He has always paid for my plane tickets to visit him, yes, even though I am now over 30 and IÂm sure IÂll hear something from someone about how I shouldnÂt "expect that". But before anyone jumps on me for that, let me say that I basically AGREE and in other, more "normal" circumstances (i.e. him NOT currently DYING) I would agree that now that I have reached a certain age and am about to finish my education (after working full-time to pay for it all myself over several years) and thus be on my way to a better financial position, that it should ordinarily be my place to start paying for my own tickets. But I simply do not have it now, after giving up close to $5,000 with everything I had to pay for and take care of to make my summer stay with him possible. For him and/or her to suddenly cry poor (which I still think is not the case) or to expect me to shell out cash I donÂt have AT THIS TIME when the clock on his life is ticking fast, is just unfathomable. Unfathomably cruel on her part b/c she is not sick or drugged and should have a clearer head and a kinder heart... and unfathomable, for his part, that he is now living in some bizarro world where he does not feel itÂs "worth it" to pay for what could be one of the last visits with his only child. But I know that money isnÂt the real reason, because that wasnÂt his excuse. What he actually said was: "With [new-sister-in-law] and [new-brother-in-law] coming, there isnÂt any room for you."

I should add that new-sister-in-law has been living there in their house for a few months (since around the time of the wedding, which I found out about on my voice-mail, after the fact, btw) and brother-in-law has apparently already made several trips between my dadÂs house and his home several states away. (I have NO IDEA what they are doing, or why THEY can't stay in a hotel, or who is looking after their own house, pets, etc.)

I canÂt even get a call through to my dad 80% of the time. "SM" has tried to tell me several times that if I want to talk to him, I should call HER phone, not his (making her official gatekeeper of the flow of communications to him)... something I admit I have stubbornly refused to do for the most part but which I WILL do and have done in emergency situations. When he talks to me and she or her sister is present (which, b/n the 2 of them, is almost all the time, in shifts) he is curt and winds up saying these hurtful things like "thereÂs no room for you". I think here-and-there he has moments alone when "SM" is at work and sis-in-law is napping or showering or something. When these times coordinate with when he is awake and feeling up to it, I have received here and there the occasional earnest, loving call from him. But I know itÂs behind their backs b/c he apparently does not feel safe otherwise. He called me at 8:00 in the morning (VERY early for him) the day before Thanksgiving to wish me a lovely day (referred to the holiday as "tomorrow" so I know he wasnÂt confused what day it was) and I know this was because they were all going to be there on the holiday itself and he was not going to be "free" to call me. Sure enough, when I tried calling him on Thanksgiving, there was no answer all day, even though he had said they would all just be around the house.

So, the jist is (and has been for several years): he confides in me privately and/or drops Âhints that all is not rosy. (Mind you I found out about her lack of household contributions, her massive credit card debt and the pressures from her and her family THROUGH HIM and not from pumping him for information at all... although I admit I have started to do that with him b/c I desperately want to know what is going on. Since "SM" has alienated him from his whole family and most of HIS friends, there are very few people near him that I feel I can even call to ask, and even with these few people I somehow feel awkward about doing it, afraid of coming across like IÂm "stirring s**t up" or slandering anyone.)

To answer the 2nd question, theyÂve been together almost 18 years. I know, sounds like a good long time and is not the typical "2nd wife breezes in from nowhere to marry the dying man for his money". But regardless, she resents me, and it became worse every year that there wasnÂt a ring on her finger (which she also blames me for, merely for existing, as someone my father is ---I'm sorry--- morally obliged to protect the interests of besides her) and in fact in our situation, I believe this whole thing has been made even more poisonous as a result of the slow unfolding of time. When I first met her, at 13, I was completely open and welcoming to her (as was my bio-mom and her family: never was a snide remark or inappropriate question asked by anybody). Things were more-or-less okay, at least b/n she and I, for the first few years (besides the frequent day-long battles she and Dad fought on my visits, which would ruin any plans we might have had to do anything, time and time again... or the systematic destruction of my body image that she inflicted by pointing out every flaw in my body and how I could "fix it". Only years later have I been able to see in hindsight how damaging her "girl talk" was, and only years later did I find out she was addicted to diet pills so bad she had to go into detox; meanwhile I was a teenage anorexic because of her)... Then time came for me to go to college, and we have all seen the conflicts that occur b/c SMÂs often (but not always!) think the DH "no longer owes you a cent, now that youÂre 18" and want you to disappear.

So, over the years, SHE became very snide, cold and manipulative of my relationship with my father. It had nothing to do with my mother, the divorce, or me being anything other than a normal and comparatively warm and well-behaved girl/teen/young adult. I think each year that went by that my dad did not budge and insisted on legally protecting my interests despite her many histrionic manipulations, she became more and more convinced that I was an obstacle, that she hated my existence, and that somehow or another I needed to be systematically shut out if she was ever going to "get anything out of all this". And it looks like all her carefully-honed efforts (all with a big smile on top, of course) are finally paying off for her and all her wishes are coming true.

--"There is some truth to KKNY's warning but not all situations are like that. My dad is my step mom's third husband and ten years after they married, she became ill. She's terminal and he's cared for her the last ten years. Her own kids don't visit or call to see how she is. I help take care of my step mom. Yet, her children feel entitled to get an inheritance when she finally dies. She's still alive and they've already been to court twice. They apparently can't wait for her to die."--

I TOTALLY agree that this in no way represents how ALL SPÂs are. In fact, I grew up living in the house with my mom and stepdad, who has been nothing but a prince to me, treating me as if I were his blood. (We had our fights, of course, along with the "youÂre not my dad!!!"s but because he has a decent heart and an ability to communicate and compromise, we dealt with all of that with love. He did not make my mother "choose" nor fail to recognize normal teenage adjustment issues for what they were.) Sadly, though, I think it makes a difference and adds infinitely more pressures and tensions when itÂs a child-from-previous-marriage and step-parent figure who is also dependent. It tends to set up a sense of competition, especially if one party exacerbates it by being as grossly insecure and Machiavellian as my dear "SM" is. Not saying that even that "2 dependents" set-up is doomed, but it just requires some extra considerations and maturity and love that unfortunately in my particular situation (and that of too many others) has been lacking. I think this board is potentially a very good place to not only vent and compare notes but to truly try and reach understandings about the roots of these problems and what can be done to prevent them, so that at least others can learn from ALL of our heartaches.

Thanks for reading my super-wordy posts, everyone, and to those Step-parents truly loving and caring for your step-kids, I salute you! You do have a hard job but as I've seen with my own stepdad, with the right attitude and an open heart you will be appreciated one day more than you even know.

well, I really feel for you. and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

serenity-- please do not in any way take this to mean I'm defending your SM. This sounds like an absolutely horrible situation for you. However, worrying about her and wasting your emotions worrying about how she is treating you is not going to accomplish anything for you right now. She is who she is, the situation is what it is, so you have to go with what you have.

What's important now is for you to do whatever you can do for yourself and your father. You don't have to worry about preserving future relationships, and you probably can't do anything about his will or what's being done with his money, so try to put these other concerns aside. Normally, I would not suggest taking on debt for travel, but if they will not pay for plane tickets and you don't have the cash, you might want to buy a ticket on a credit card. A year from now, that debt may be a small price for a last memory of your father. If they have asked you not to come for christmas, why don't you wait and fly out there, say, in January? Don't look at it as accommodating your SM if you don't want to. Look at it as avoiding inflicting the stress on your father of feeling caught between what you want and what his wife wants and who even knows what he wants. You can spend some time with him without the commotion of the holidays. And, quite frankly, plane tickets are cheaper when it is not the holidays.

If you really can't afford a plane ticket, if a January visit doesn't work, that's fine. I'm not trying to say I have the answer. What I'm saying is, stop for minute, clear your head, grab a friend who is not so emotionally involved to help you think clearly if you need. Look at what is 1) possible, and 2) what you really want to accomplish. Is what's important to you what you are doing on christmas day, or is it to spend a little bit more time with your father before he dies? I'm sure it's the last, so set aside any peripheral issues that are only going to distract from spending time with him, and look at what you can do to make the second one happen.

Hate your stepmother after he dies. Worry about what you and your father need now.

Thanks to everyone for the support and advice.

And quirk-- those are wise words indeed. I absolutely don't want to be a part of ruining X-mas for him (he has always loved it so much, almost like a big kid!) or putting him even more between a rock and a hard place. I am sending un-lavish but nice gifts to all 4 of them, just to keep peace, to extend some sort of "olive branch", if for no other more altruistic reason than so my Dad is happy that day and I at least know I did the gracious thing.

I admit, I was tempted to send "SM" some thinly-coded 'insult' gift ---very tempted, in fact!--- but I have decided that does no one any good. It can be soooooo difficult to let go of the anger, but I agree that people should strive to do just that and at least conduct one's own self with as much dignity as possible. Never anything to lose by erring on the side of decency, and if you don't do all you can do I think you can be haunted by regret and guilt that may not even be yours to take on.

So maybe that would be my $.02 to OP's original question on behalf of his wife: keep extending as much unconditional love and willingness to compromise/communicate... It may never be returned but YOU will not have to beat yourself up that your love was lacking.

Serenity,
I understand exactly where you're at and how you feel. Adding the complication of a terminally ill father only makes the issue almost impossible to bear. If your sm truly loved your dad and accepted you as his daughter she'd have you at their home for xmas...oh sure you can go around her but somehow your own self esteem suffers in the process. Your dad is very vulnerable now and he's frightened. Try to love him the way you always have and i say this because you and your dad need this remaining time to be positive. Even if the time is chatting on the phone, it's all you have, so make the best of it and don't let this woman he's married too take that away from you..

what a sad story. My heart goes to you. Find some other time to see your father and focus on him, I wonder if your SM has her own children, she sounds like she has no heart. I am sorry you have to deal with it.

Have you already sent the gifts? If not, I would not send them. I would however, find a way no matter what to get there after christmas. I would bring a small tree (they make small suitcase sized ones at the craft store), a santa hat and whatever else would make it feel like christmas, and I would be there celebrating christmas with my dad for what possibly is the very last time. If you have already sent them you can always do something crafty like decopauge (sp) a plate with pictures from your childhood for him. Right now, facing the impending death of my own grandfather, there is nothing in this world that would keep me from celebrating every celebration possible with him in these final days. Especially something like christmas... which is a big one for our family too. I can understand finances (trust me) but there is always a way... even if it means borrowing from a friend or something. Even if my grandfather told me not to come I would be there anyways... something wouldnt be right. And, in this case something doesnt sound right... you know it ... dont miss out on your last moments with him because he is tired of the fight and dont let him miss out on the last moments with you either. To he!! with SM and all of her drama let her keep the house the money everything for all I would care... just be there for your dad and with your dad as often and as sincerely as possible. These are times you will NEVER get back.

Hi, everyone... Just checking this board, only a few minutes' time, will write more tomorrow but wanted to say thanks to all of you for the input & concern. I have already bought the gifts but haven't sent them yet. Resisted all temptation to 'get digs in' via the nature of the gifts. I know it's hard w/o knowing all the particulars of my situation & the personalities involved, etc... But I'd be interested in hearing if anyone else has opinions about whether sending the gifts (and also cards---haven't written them out yet, agonizing over what to say, tone, etc.) is a really AWFUL iea, and if so why? I'm open to all input on this... But if I am sending, they need to go out in the mail no later than this Weds.! So I need to make my final decision on this... Thanks so much.