Ceph, I think the question is not only how long has SM been in your FDHs life, but what age she came in at. I assume he was not a small child. If she hasnt really acted as a mom, I think he can treat her as honored SM, but not a mom.

If my DD gets married (shes 16, no one's planning on it now), I would not even want Dads current SO, who was TOS there. If and when she gets married, if Dad has a different SO, I would have to say that based on her age, new Dad SO would have little mothering. So I would say she could be invited, but should not have mother role.

Just my 2 cents (for what it's worth), but I think it's BS that any of the mother's would insist on this or get offended at that. It's the Bride & Groom's day. It's NOT about the Mother's. Let the bride & Groom have their day and seat who they want, where they want. Let them choose what flowers to wear and all the other details of the day. It's ONE FREAKIN DAY in their life, but it's one of the most important days for their child (bride or groom). It should be filled with happy memories, not memories of stress over hurting anyone's feelings or egos.

FDH's SM was not TOW. She came on the scene about two years after his parents divorced, so he was about 15.... Hmm, thinking about it now, his parents have been split for more like 17 years and his SM has been around for 15.
His SM is GM to his son (his BM doesn't even ask how his son is), she plans birthday parties for him and his brother, she spent the night in the hospital with his brother a few years ago, she helped him move into his home when he bought it, she calls to say Hi if she hasn't talked to him in over a week... His SM is a great mom.
In the first 8 months we dated, his mom called him ONCE (to cancel taking him out for supper for his birthday) and he saw her three times. When she found out he had a girlfriend, she didn't ask who I was or how we met, she just said "I guess you can bring her if you want"... His BM is kind of a crummy mom.

Now that's not to say that his SM is more important, just that she is his acting mom, so OF COURSE WE WANT TO HONOUR HER! Also, my SM is my only mom now, and I want to honour her, so we cannot honour my SM and not his. We are choosing to do some of this honouring with flowers.
The only concern is about whether to have the flowers for FMIL be the same as for our SMs or different. Personally, I am leaning heavily towards same, but in a different colour.

Gee Ima,

When SMs Fleur (an EOW SM) and HelenaR (who apparently had relation with Dad while he was married to wife #1) got annoyed at their seating, etc. in Stepchilds wedding, I dont recall your telling them not to get upset.

This has something or nothing to do with the topic, but it's good for a chuckle :)

" Stephanie was so happy. She was young, healthy, successful, and she was about to wed the man of her dreams. She was happily planning the wedding she had always fantasized about. Everything was falling into place perfectly. Nothing could get her down, not even her parent's recent nasty divorce.

Just two weeks before the wedding, she was visiting with her mother when mom showed her the dress that she had bought to wear to Steph's wedding. The dress made her mother look twenty years younger and just radiant. Both were excited for the upcoming event.

The next day, Stephanie was at her father's house, when his new, younger, beautiful wife modeled the dress that she had bought for the wedding. To her horror, Stephanie realized it was the same dress that her mother had bought, and her new step-mother looked ravishing in it. She told her step-mother the situation and begged her to wear a different dress. "After all," Stephanie told her, "you have so many beautiful clothes already that look great on you." But her step-mother refused, saying, "This dress makes me look fabulous. I'll be the envy of everyone there."

Heartbroken, Stephanie went to her mother and told her about the dresses.
Her mother told her not to worry. She would just buy a different dress to wear to the wedding. She said, "Sweetie, this is your day. It's only a dress."

That weekend, Stephanie and her mother went shopping for a new outfit for mom to wear to the wedding. After her mother found a nice, albeit less fabulous dress to wear, they decided to go out to lunch together. As they were chatting over their entrees, Stephanie told her mother, "Thank you for being so great about all of this. But where is the other dress? I thought you were going to return it. There are no other special occassions coming up where you'll be able to wear such a fabulous dress."

Her mother replied, "Oh, Darling, but there is. I'm going to wear it to the rehearsal dinner."

LOL thanks Weed - I love that little story too :)

But wait a second here KK... Are you complaining that Ima wasn't mean enough to someone who was TOW? Or too mean to them? You lost me.

On a further little b!tchrant about my FMIL, she was pretty awful to me when FDH's home flooded in February. After dealing with trying to be accommodating and reasonable but having that thrown in my face, I decided that I don't need to take a bunch of bullsh!t from her and will tell things as I see them. So we will do what we decide is best about the flowers and she can stick it if she doesn't like it... Now if only I could figure out what is best!

No I am saying she only takes exception when mom get upset at wedding plans, not SMs. I didnt say mean.

KKNY,

If you'd like to go back to anyone's threads on wedding seating or anything else wedding related and quote something I said, go ahead. I don't recall even reading what you are talking about. I know helenar was TOW and I don't recall chiming in on her threads as I think everyone else did a fine job of letting her know she was out of line.

What's your point? Are you trying to say it's not up to the Bride & Groom to decide what they want on THEIR day?

ceph, couple of posters (SMs or X's GFs including TOWs) complained that they did not have special seating and special treatment at the weddings of their SKs. and nobody said: it is bride's and groom's day who cares who sits where. everybody was very sympathetic of Sms' needs.

now when BM wants a special treatment or seating all of a sudden attitude changes: it is bride's and grooms' day and it doesnot matter where people sit or how they are treated.

as always double standard. SMs are allowed to have demands about treatment but BMs are not. even at their own children's weddings! gee

hillarious story! I love it. wear it to a rehersal dinner! :0 :)

Well, our SMs are our acting moms, so we are sympathetic to their needs. We also don't want his mom to not feel special. I really don't care if his mom doesn't think his SM should be involved in our wedding, WE want her to be. I also wouldn't care if his SM didn't want his mom involved, WE want her to be.
NOBODY should be allowed to have demands about someone else's wedding - not even the parents or stepparents! They can make all the REQUESTS they want, but ultimately they should graciously accept whatever is decided by the bride and groom.

If it makes anyone feel better, I think SM's should abide by the bride & grooms wishes. I have never been 'sympathetic' with anyone complaining about wedding arrangement, except a bride & groom that have to deal with feuding parents and they feel they have to do something they don't want to, just to make other people happy on their special day. Whether it's who walks her down the aisle, who sits where at the wedding or reception, who rides in the limo, I only have sympathy for a bride that is stressed out because she might make someone else upset on HER day!!!!

Show me where I said anything else and THEN call it double standard, ladies....

And when FDH was growing up, who did he live with? So now that he is an adult, SM is acting mom? I would have thought he would have outgrown need for day to day mom.

No ima, you just diddnt say anything to Fleurs and HelenaR.

well kkny, I can go to their threads and set them straight on MY opinion if you'll feel better. How long ago was that?

Ceph, living this wedding dilemma a year later....I do feel you should do what you feel is right and comfortable in regards to BMs and SMs, it is your day and any one small enough to have ego problems that day, it is their problem, not yours...That being said, from this SM, you can burn bridges forever with poor treatment of SMs to salve BMs ego..My case, no TOW here, parents not together for ten years, SS in my life for 6 years before wedding, relationship OK , or so I thought..I really didnt feel like I played any important role in SS s life, but I did think we were friends....But I felt blindsided by the crappy treatment, and I m sure it was because BM didnt want me there at all, even though we had been married 3 years..No one called to say what to wear, not invited to wedding shower, no corsage(and I think etiquette wise, any one with someone in the wedding party wearing a tux(My DH) gets a corsage .....Last straw, at ceremony DH and I were led to the basement to wait for wedding to begin, while everyone else was in the vestibule waiting to process..We were dragged back up at last minute...Besides losing all respect and goodwill I had built in the 6 years prior to this , SS is not speaking to my DH because he refused to pay for 50% of this, 340 guests of which we were allowed to invite 8 guests..I left early, My DH too, altho he did stay an hour or so after I left...I really think I know this kids character now, but I do feel badly that my DH is infuriated by all of this, and he doesnt speak to son...Everything, ANY thing could have been handled better than this fiasco...Also, there has never been any threatening, aggresssive, or bad behavior from DH or myself to anyone, SS or BM in 6 years, we have never exchanged a word in 6 years...So I guess BM was pressuring SS to do all this and he caved in, and thats what I mean about burning bridges forever.. I do hope him and his dad can resolve someday, but I dont want to.....

At our wedding we provided corsages (pin or or wrist, the person could choose) for DH's mother, both our Godmothers and my father's SO (my mother passed away). My father's SO (basically my stepmother) was very touched. The corsages were made to match their dresses (with ivory for the Godmothers since I didn't know what they would wear).

Mothers are given special attention at weddings in that they are seated as part of the processional. Stepmothers would be seated like any other guest, walked down the aisle by a groomsman. Mother's are escorted in at the very beginning of the processional after all guests are seated (in fact, no guests should be seated once this starts, late arriving guests should take a seat near the back). If the bride and groom both have a mother there the groom's mother is seated before the bride's mother. The bride's mother is the last person seated before the wedding party. Since your mother has passed away, the groom's mother would be the last person seated before the bridal party. This should be enough prominence to keep her quiet. For good measure, make sure she knows her corsage was more costly (she sounds like the type who cares about that).

Good luck.

He split his time fairly evenly between his parents from the time they divorced until he moved out when he was 19. So, yes, his BM changed his diapers and kissed his booboos, but his SM has been involved since she appeared on the scene. I don't think that even you, KK, can hold it against her that she didn't meet his dad until his teens. Also, as we discussed last week, grownups need parents too, so it's important that his SM acts like a mom and she should be given credit for it.
So tough cookies KK, our SMs are important to us and we will honour them appropriately. We just don't want his mom to be snitty about that we love our SMs and are trying to figure out how to balance this.

Ceph, I am not holding it against her, just commenting. This is hardley a mom who was not in her childs life. Possibly you feel more supportive of SMs? Because of your life, not FDHs?

And fyi, I am certain my X and his SO tell everyone that they were not involved when X and I was married.

I have never seen it come up where I would suspect, ask someone were you involved with this guy when he was married,if he was on his second marriage, let alone someone volunteering this info unsolicited, oh, by the way, he wasnt married when we met...HOW would this come up??? It only comes up here when SM is accused of being OW, when you re an automatic suspect.....

Really Dotz, ? When I was married people asked me when did you meet? How did you meet? How long were you dating before you got married? No, the questions werent accusatory, etc.

when I shared some concerns about my SO not being ready to introduce me to his DDs last summer when i first joined this forum, the first thing people asked (and it was not just kkny but everyone else) how do i know him, did I date him while he was still married, do his DDs consider me TOW etc. That was the first thing people asked.

It is certainly preferable to burn bridges with your SM than it would be to hurt your own mother in order to salve the SM's ego. There is really no reason to burn bridges with either. If you just follow the rules in the etiquette books, seating everyone where specified, then there shouldn't be a problem. I think it is obvious that the mother should have a larger/unique corsage.

I am always suspicious when people talk about how somebody's parents or siblings are not involved or are less involved than someone else. My X might not be the most involved dad in the world, but I cannot imagine DD honoring some other man more just because dad is not a model father. My SO calls his grown DDs every other day. My X calls DD only once a week or sometimes once in EOW. SO is a great father but it does not mean he is a better father than my X. My dad does not call me that much at all, i call him. But my dad is not to be less honored or to be replaced.

I do not understand "acts like mom". What does that suppose to mean? My SIL babysat my DD a lot as did my parents which i am eternally greatful, but it does not make them to be "act like mom".

IÂm planning a wedding too so IÂm learning quick that itÂs the little details that give the biggest headaches.
Personally, I like the idea of giving corsages to honoured guests. I think the two ideas youÂve had are great; either a wristlet and corsages or same corsages with different colors. I would definitely do something different for the mom than the stepmoms. Rationale behind that is that sheÂs already stated sheÂll make a fuss otherwise (justified or not). Just explain to the stepmoms (who sound like kind, reasonable people) that the reason isnÂt that BMÂs more important/appreciated/whatever, itÂs that you want less stress on your wedding day. I think that way everyone will be happy (well, at least placated).

tos, I know you can read, so that can't be the reason you're sniping at a stepmother on a post that doesn't mention *any* demands or even any behavior on the part of the stepmother.

What could your reason be?

irrational obsession?

Stepmother's ego isn't the problem;
mother's ego is the problem.

& caving in to someone's egotistical demands & implied threats (any statement that begins with "you'd *better*" includes an unspoken "or else". or else what? or else you're going to ruin my wedding?) is submitting to emotional blackmail.

& emotional blackmail is just like any other;
when you make that payment, that's just the beginning of a lifetime of escalating payments.

Don't reward bad behavior.

That big usher sounds more appealing all the time.

Sylvia,

As FD said, following standard etiquette should be enough to pacify mom. If not, ceph please write back. Sometimes people use emotional blackmail when they percieve they are powerless. In typical situation where the dad has more money, this can happen.

Ceph, congrads on the wedding. Step back -- catch your breath. Like I said if the standard treatment isnt acceptable to all, let us know.

I don't believe the old "rules and regulations" of weddings should be forsaken, however, they definately need to be updated to incorporate the changing world and the increase of stepfamilies. When all is said and done there is no right or wrong answer, it all really depends upon the individual family.

Glad to hear the SMs are both lovely ladies who are behaving well --

Personally, I agree with the "same corsage, different colors" school of thought, or perhaps add an extra ribbon to FMILs since she seems to be the type of person who will mind if her corsage is no better than the SMs'. And Confuseds' suggestion to have a quiet little word with the SMs about FMIL's over-sensitivities is probably also a good idea. Just letting them know that while you consider them 'full parent-equivalents', that FMIL would be deeply offended, and so to keep the peace, you'll need to give her some little distinction.

There's a huge range of "acceptable statuses" for SM's at weddings -- basically anything from 'guest' to MOB- or MOG-equivalent. The "almost MOB / MOG" treatment is a clear and public statement of affection and respect, and IMO, a classy thing to do.

To deliberately and publicly slight a StepParent at your wedding is RUDE and IMO, beyond tacky, no matter the circumstances. But fortunately, that's not what's being contemplated here.

ceph- do whatever you want to do... I personally like the idea of same corsage different color and perhaps an extra ribbon like sweeby said.

I have fairly little tolerance for people that cant just be happy for those that you supposedly love and care about. MY DH father caught some attitude when I included his step father in the family pictures (and everything else for that matter) I simply glossed over it... I pretended I didnt even see his attitude and kept on going. His SF is an incredible man and one of the first people that made me feel welcome in his family and more so as you say has been more of a dad to DH now than his father ever really was to him and I wouldnt dream of not including his SF in everything.

I would say to make sure both BMs get identical corsages (or whatever flowers you choose) matching their husband's boutenieres (sp?) and then slightly vary the flowers for both SMs by maybe reversing the colors with their husbands wearing those same colors. That way they are both on the same "level" but are slightly differentiated. No one may even notice, but at least FMIL will be happy.

As far as seating.....there are 4 people on the bride's side and 4 on the groom's side. Could they not all sit on the same first row? Put the BMs on the inside next to the aisle, then their husbands, then the SMs and then their husbands. There should be plenty of room and everyone should feel the same amount of importance without getting feelings hurt.

And SMs don't need to ALWAYS feel like they are playing second fiddle. As a FSM myself, and a mother of my own son, I am constantly being "put in my place" by my BFs daughter's BM even though I make it a point to attend everything I can and help in every way I can. I don't really think it's necessary to throw that in a SMs face on a wedding day when she gets it every other day of the year. Putting anyone on a different is a symbol of where their place is and it can be hurtful. It's just one day and FMIL can just get over it.

I am in favor of less ostentatious weddings rather than more, so I am not certain I see a need for anyone other than the bride to have flowers. That being said, in large weddings, the corsages for the mothers do have the function at a large reception of helping the guests remember who is the mom. In situations where the SM has the same last name as the bride and the mother does not, it can be confusing and the MOB or MOG should be identified. At the wedding there will be guests, people from other sides of family who wont recognize one or the other on site.

I dont see having SM sit in second or third row (depending on number of moms family) as second fiddle. I see it as recognizing mom. Sometimes equal treatment can be unfair. Should every bridesmaid where same dress as bride? No. Does Dads sister who may have helped with child raising get treated "as a mom"? Generally not.

If its just one day, SM can get over it.

I would never allow my X to sit me, especially with his SO, in front row. He made his bed, he can sleep in it now.

Same flower....different colour. Match it to the respective spouses. I think that's good enough. Fighting over flowers seems so cry baby-ish.

Honestly, If I were you I wouldn't do them at all and then if there is complaints just asy nicely that it was the only way to avoid hurt feelings. It isn't about the flowers anyway, it's about your wedding day. Any good parent would just want you to ENJOY it and not already be turning it into some kind of popularity contest. Weddings are seriously stressful enough without the help of self-righteous behavior from the family.

That's why we went to the court house....to HELL with all the politics. It was Hub's, me and the girls. Oh, and the judge...hahahahaha!!!!

Ceph, I'm in Sweeby's boat all the way. Same flowers, different colors or ribbons. Let the SM's know of the 'issue' and the tactful way you are handling it lest they have any questions.

Another note - are you giving the mothers any gifts? For my mom and MIL I purchased a little clutch purse to match their dress and put a hankie in it. If you are planning a gift perhaps you could include a card from you both to each of the SM's thanking them for the role they play in your lives, and A__'s life. Something to let them know that you recognize they don't HAVE to play that role and you love them for the fact they CHOOSE to. I think it would mean a lot.

Most importantly, do not let anyone tell you what you have to do on your day. Any parent who would place a demand on their child that they not be seated by the ex, TOW or great aunt Sally is obviously a parent who can not think of their child before themself. If for one day, on this biggest of big days, they can't put their grudges aside and act like an adult for their child's sake then they don't deserve any honor at all, IMO.

Well, IMHO, any woman who knowingly has an affair with a married man, and expects to be honored at the wedding of the child of that marriage has a screw loose.

In any event, I would strongly advise any bride to consult an etiquette book or bridal consultant. I think they have pretty standard advice re seating, etc.

Perhaps they don't expect to be *honored*? Perhaps they just expect to attend, or perhaps their attendance is important to the wedding party regardless of their TOW status?

Etiquette is only as necessary as one wants to make it. It's the bride and groom's day, and if they want every one to stand on their heads and sing kumbia for the ceremony so be it. It is THEIR day.

"Any parent who would place a demand on their child that they not be seated by the ex, TOW or great aunt Sally is obviously a parent who can not think of their child before themself" -- front row seating -- isnt that honoring?? OK?

When Fleurs and HelenaR complained about seating at a stepchild's wedding, where the only feelings were animosity, I thought they were trolls. But then some SMs supported their position.

And what happens when a stepchild supports SM, and then like FD's X, Dad goes off to yet another woman?

"nd what happens when a stepchild supports SM, and then like FD's X, Dad goes off to yet another woman?"

it's not BM's problem if their child likes SM and dad leaves SM for another woman. The child is entitled to like whomever she chooses and if things don't work out, it's sad, but they don't work out. Not much ANYONE can do about it. BM can't protect her kids from disappointments in life and can't control who they like or don't like forever.

My sister got married a few years after my parents divorced. My dad brought his girlfriend at the time and my mom brought the guy she had an affair with on my dad. It was a huge church wedding and my sister pretty much did all the planning & everything herself. My mom paid for nothing. I think my sister & dad paid for it all. Dad walked my sister down the aisle and there was my mom, sitting in the front row with her 'other man'. Dad kissed my sister's cheek, gave her to her future husband, walked back over to the front row and sat down. OMG, it was the SAME row as "the other man!!!" and he sat graciously and the wedding took place. (I don't recall where my dad's GF sat) Was my mom happy about it? well she didn't think the girlfriend should be there (at the wedding). Dad only wanted his daughter to have wonderful memories on her day. Because my dad behaved like a grown up, my sister didn't have to deal with either of his parents crying foul. (and my mom did try to say something and my dad told her to zip it and warned her not to ruin my sister's day)

I feel really sorry for any bride that has to worry about how her mom will behave if her dad brings TOW and the bride will most certainly be upset over it. It is sad when the children pay for the parents' mistakes. Sure, dad made his bed, but the daughter is the one paying for it. Anyone that makes their child make such choices is the one with the loose screw... IMHO.

I don't remember anything in the original post by Ceph said that any of the SPs were affairs. I'm not sure where the TOW thing comes in. For all anyone knows (except Ceph) they got divorced for other reasons. I think any mention of "affairs" is presumptious. And is the wife of an X really considered TOW if it wasn't an affair that caused the divorce or break-up?

I m going to start a new post entitled Weddings, I dont want Ceph to feel that bad her post that was about flowers or etiquette has deteriorated into something less than joyful for her happy occasion...

Ashley, threads morph, thats life. I would consider the wife of an X TOW if they had relationship before divorce finalized. Wouldnt get into cause. Not appropriate. Will not inspire trust by stepchildren.

I guess I never have thought of a wedding day as an opportunity to blackmail the happy couple into being unspeakably rude to another guest...

& I guess if it were "just one day", they could dispense with the ceremony entirely & *everybody* could just get over it.

but it's a special day,

& ceph wants a beautiful wedding,
she wants all the family members to feel joyous on her & Honey's special day,
she wants the people they love to feel honored,
& she wants everybody to be happy.

& I don't know what helenar or fleurs or marriage-busting huzzies have to do with ceph's situation...

Nope, my FDH's SM was not TOW. She didn't even meet his dad until over a year after the divorce (which, BTW, was his mom's idea).

Anyhow, about seating, we are only having about 40 people at the wedding, and since it will all take place in one room, and dinner will be right after the ceremony, guests will be seated at their tables during it. We will have assigned seating, but no ushers (I think our 40 close family and friends can govern themselves to sit at their placecard). His mom and dad will be at separate tables, but we're not sure precisely how they will be placed.
We have an etiquette book, but it doesn't have a chapter called "What if your mom is sort of petty and doesn't like that your dad (who she chose to divorce) remarried nearly two decades after they split up, and wants to be treated like the most important person there, and doesn't want your stepmom acknowledged, even though she doesn't want to pay for anything and is sort of a flaky mother?"
Etiquette books tend to focus more on large weddings hosted by nuclear families than small weddings with complex familial structures.

"Any parent who would place a demand on their child that they not be seated by the ex, TOW or great aunt Sally is obviously a parent who can not think of their child before themself" -- front row seating -- isnt that honoring?? OK?"

Of course it's an honor, but it's an honor that is the bride and grooms to give to who ever the he11 they feel like. If they want the mailman to sit there, great! It's their day.

My point, before this tangent started, was that no parent should be so selfish as to presume they can force their feelings upon their children. It makes no difference if there is TOW, or mom is fighting with her aunt, or dad hates mom's sister. For the sake of their children, and their children's feelings and wishes THE PARENTS SHOULD HONOR THEIR CHILDREN, WEAR BEIGE AND SHUT UP.

JNM, so if my DD doesnt want Dads SO there, OK with you???

yep KK - just fine by me. I would hope though, if she feels that strongly about it, that she would be adult enough to tell the SO directly and not force her dad to do her dirty work.

We have an etiquette book, but it doesn't have a chapter called "What if your mom is sort of petty and doesn't like that your dad (who she chose to divorce) remarried nearly two decades after they split up, and wants to be treated like the most important person there, and doesn't want your stepmom acknowledged, even though she doesn't want to pay for anything and is sort of a flaky mother?"
Etiquette books tend to focus more on large weddings hosted by nuclear families than small weddings with complex familial structures.
Sounds to me like the perfect excuse to do whatever the heck you want. :-)

Actually, I think it's nice that you're trying to make sure no one feels slighted or gets their feelings hurt, but there's also no need to go overboard trying to figure out how to avoid it. If you use a little common sense and respect, everyone who's reasonable and just wants you to have a happy day will hopefully understand you're doing just that and take everything in stride even if it wouldn't be their own personal choice. And unfortunately, anyone who really wants to take offense at something (or someone) will be able to find a way to do that no matter how much you bend over backwards trying to avoid it.

I think you just found yourself a new hobby - etiquette book writing! That cracked me up.

I see the tables in a upside down smiley face. Head table with the wedding party (usually rectangular, hence the mouth!) at one end, then your dad/SM at a table as the nose, with FDH's mom and aunts or something as one eye and FDH's dad, SM and other family as the other. Does that make sense??

Yup JNM, that makes sense. The siblings and friends would be sort of a hairline above the eyes. My dad's table would have to be moved slightly for the ceremony itself, probably towards the left (towards me) but moving two tables a few feet is easy cheesy. I'll draw a picture tonight to see if that would work in our room. Good suggestion!

My heart feels for you Ceph. I had it easy because we were married in Vegas and the nice little chapel we were at did all the leg work. We did have to make some choices though and one was the corsages. We did get corsages for all immediate parents and my grandmother.... including my husbands step mom. Although she is not him mother, she does plan an important role in his life. The bottom line is this is your wedding. You need to do what is right for you...no one else. When you look back on things, how will you feel about choices. Will you regret not doing what your gut originally told you to do? Will it matter about the flowers or will she think the worst no matter what? Do you think you will be going through all this effort to please with no result? Some people just won't be pleased no matter what you do.

Interesting side note, my father's significant other showed at our wedding. My dad passed in 2002 and I felt like I should invite his SO not thinking he would show for the wedding. I received his RSVP at the last minute. I was very nervous- my dad's SO's name is David. Now you can see why I was a little nervous. I didn't know how he would behave because - let's say- everyone knows when he walks into a room. To my surprise, he was very tame and when we did the toast, he was the only one the mentioned my Dad in a very respectable manner. He disappeared after the wedding. He didn't come to the dinner and I haven't heard from him since. I did sent a framed picture of him, my husband and I to him at Christmas. In the end, I was very glad he was there. I think I 'm telling this story just to say, sometimes people surprise you. I hope you can have that same kind of experience.