Sloppy and Drunk Husband Venting


I don't know where to begin or how to make this short...

I have been married 2 1/2 years and I imagine all of this is just "that stage in a marriage" but REALLY?! Some background: Husband has two boys (5 & 7) from a previous marriage to a severe drug addict (recently was released from a year long rehab facility and completed it successfully this time... and so far...). Husband has full physical custody and half legal. I have been sole caretaker of these two children since they were 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 and they have seen their mother twice since they came to me. She is a flake. I was a "career woman" and had zero kid knowledge to such an extent that I pondered if I even like kids at all but I was pretty level headed and took challenges on with gusto.

Those poor kids, living with their mom, in a different state, and my poor sweet, kind, respectful boyfriend at the time for such heart ache and barren bank account. When he started to get phone calls from people she was staying with (she had been kicked out of everywhere she would take them) that no one was watching after his kids and they are being neglected severely and he needs to get them as soon as possible; I had been listening to this spiral into the toilet for three months and put some thought into it before telling him to bring them here. I will help. Well, F*** Me. He got emergency child custody and I was playing Mom and Wife in a family of four two days later. The whole child custody was incredibly frustrating with the lies and the screaming. After it was over I told Husband to take some money and get some self respect and confidence back.

So that obviously (when looked at in retrospect now that I understand men more) lead to he spends every cent to the point where food is scarce, he has been blacked out drunk since about three months before our wedding and consequently he emphasizes fear and hate to his children, he is an absolute slob, and he doesn't stop talking plus his topics are always negative and he expresses them in a whiny or over aggressive fashion. Huh, living the other side of the story as far as his divorce I guess except I am no drug addict. The fact is, I am embarrassed that I married him.

Why did I marry him? He was the complete opposite of this before the ring hit my finger (well, except for the slob part, men are just messy AND it's not alright, that to me is compromise). Before we got married HE is the one that initiated the "When the ring goes on your finger, you're not going to flip on me are you?" and the "Do you or have you ever used drugs?" conversations. The questions reversed produced acceptable answers.

He eroded me like waves on rocks. I was (and am still capable of being) a very peaceful person. A level headed, not quick to yell, reasonable, helpful person. I am now volatile and very angry. The cops had to be called out once and two weeks ago I slept in my car at the bay to get away from him.

During all of this, I was working full time from home; he was/is a Marine. I have taken those children, from what I considered, wild animals and they are now very calm, reasonable little people which has been especially difficult when Dad is running around slobbishly and drunk all of the time.

I have taken his financial disaster and turned it completely around mainly by going without and earning an income myself. Some months I made between $5,000 to $7,000 but usually around $2,000 to $3,000 per month and going without as in, he and the kids went with and when it came to me needing/wanting something, I went without. Like bras and underwear all falling apart and using his razor. Every month the same song and dance, I would pay all the bills while he was boozing it up within the first week (he has spent in excess of $1,200 a month on booze that I could track, not going to the bar which he hardly does but bottles at home), then there was some money left over and I would save it for food and necessities to get through the month. He would then bombard me with "needs" so I would give him the debit card, which by the end of the month turned into a credit card, and every purchase included a bottle. I found myself having to micromanage his spending and putting him on an allowance that he ALWAYS went over. He would just save actual needs for when the money was gone.

Slob is an understatement. He takes out the trash, so naturally he doesn't throw anything into the trash. I have gone through my house and filled two 13-gallon trash bags of pure garbage just laying EVERYWHERE and that was just five days of me wondering if he will figure it out on his own. I don't think he noticed anything different at all. I don't have a way of doing things either. My only concern is functionality. If I grab a clean fork, I expect it to be clean. Functionality, but there he is wanting to be told what to do every step of the way. Ok, now scrub. Nope keep scrubbing. Ok, throw it in there. Grab another one. Ok, yea, like that. You got this? Are you sure? ARGH!! Eroding me to micromanaging again! I would swear he was retarded if he wasn't actually a quite bright person. He aces everything he puts his mind to. I just can't seem to get his mind focused on anything helpful to me.

Husband was the cause of a grease fire in his early 20's, 33% of his body was 3rd degree burns. He has never learned anything in the kitchen. However, he is 33 years old now. F-ing get f-ing over f-ing it, F***! According to his family, he went from golden boy to a train wreck, addicted to prescription drugs. The Marines cleaned him up and I think having extra money wasn't something he has ever had before me.

Essentially, he worked, mowed the lawn (except he broke his foot last month), took out the trash, and then drank a fifth every night. That's it. I worked full time and did everything else on top of fixing things for him. He is a complete screw up. I tell him to take the kids to the beach because I have to work and we don't have much money. I end up having to leave work and go to the beach to get the truck out of impound and pay $364 dollars because he didn't bother to figure out what the sign said. He saw it and all the other ones in front of all of the other spots in the area but couldn't read his, it was messy (his words). He does something like this every single time I let him out of my sight. Its not "like" I have three kids. I have three kids. From BioMom's previous marriage and somehow they all landed on my lap, no Dad in sight. And one of them wants to get laid...

I broke. Husband broke me. I gave up. I stopped everything. Cooking, cleaning, working, etc. Someone here wrote that she doesn't do anything if she resents him for it while she is doing it. I am going to put it to him like that next time it comes up. I just get so pissed off while doing the dishes, its homicidal. So, yea, I stopped doing everything except I modified the finances. I pay the bills for the house, utilities, cells, cable/internet, and debt then I take a $200 allowance for myself (I am underpaid in comparison to him but I smoke and like ice cream when the boys go to bed and that is all I "need" until the debt gets paid off). He gets the rest. If we look like hobos and are hungry then its your fault Husband. That didn't even last a week. That first weekend he sucked down two fifths and a pint. The following weekend was two fifths and a half gallon. That's when I slept in my car. I left the kids. They aren't mine, they usually don't interact with him much when he is drunk, they were sleeping at the time (11ish pm), and I am never going to ever feel cold handcuffs again because he's a nut job. To hell with all that garbage. I am an avid camper and outdoors person so sleeping in my car at the bay was actually a treat but it sure scared him. Finally.

The money he had just spent on booze and supplements (according to him working out helps him stay dry but this particular combo purchase didn't make any sense to me) was the money he needed for taking the kids to see their Mom combined with money that we were going to spend reacquainting ourselves with each other. He is there right now which is why I have time to write this at all.

This two week trip will be the second time I have gone more than a 6 hour school day without the boys around since they came out here 3 1/2 years ago. I know I need to get out more. At first I was just trying to save money and fix the finances but at this point I am just so depressed or just simply over it and I just don't know what my next move is. No where except camping alone sounds good to me. About a year ago we went camping just the two of us and I spent the whole trip uncomfortable and 'twitchy'. I kept having a feeling like I have to do something and even stood up a couple times for no reason. I ended up having to tell him to just stay away from me which he couldn't do. Hand me this, fix that, make this, etc just everything always ends with me getting up and doing something for him or him wanting something so I just ended up yelling at him to leave me alone multiple times a day. I guess in the absence of the kids he thought it was cater to him weekend. Nope, not when he does what he does.

He also took two weeks off from work for this so we could rebond but he spent all the money so yea, dunno what to say about that.

He has been dry for three weeks and I will have to admit that this time feels different. He has a ton more resolve but he is also paying for his mistakes. I have money to help him out but I feel as if my hands are forced. Forcing me to make him "see" or it will be my sanity that I will be doing without. Another thing I have noticed during this dry spell that I just thought it was the drunk talking. He is very rude. Two nights ago, he tossed some baby wipes on the floor next to me, pointed at them, and half mumbled "Put that back." Now, I have had some lower back problems in the last few months (bending over for nothing is just not an option) and he has a broken foot but again, I am an outdoorsy type, played softball in high school, has legs, can walk. Why was tossing them on the floor his solution when crutching over himself, tossing them TO ME, or I walk to him were the more obvious choices? I explained calmly to him what just happened to me. He was very sincerely, apologetic about it, thanked me for mentioning it, and told me to tell him when he does things like that (now that was the man I fell in love with). I have been noticing this type of behavior lately though, now that he is drying out. Its not often, maybe twice at this point but it still concerns me.

I have some mental health concerns of my own I think. I heard a voice the other day. It was my voice but I 100% didn't mean to think it as in it caught me by surprise and was alarming. I was thinking about how I need to calm down, turn the other cheek, and treat him with some respect if we are going to get through this. Immediately the thought was interrupted by a voice, a very distinct "NOOOOO!". So much so that I looked around my empty bedroom. Who was that?! I realized that it was in my head, it was my voice, and it sounded like I was screaming it but it was coming through with the volume turned down yet clear. Yesterday, I heard a door slam. Same situation. No where near a door that would sound like that. In fact, it sounded like my bedroom door as a kid. I was a biology major, emphasis in animal behavior (dropped out with one semester left due to a car accident and never went back). I am a very reasonable, logical person. I know I am hearing stuff and as I understand it, this is my subconscious telling me that I need to do something about this and I am working on it.

I don't know how this two weeks are going to go. I am afraid that I won't want the boys to come back. I am afraid I may panic and bolt. I am afraid to stay. In light of all that, I really do want my husband and I to work out together but this is really all I have left to give. I need to receive more than this.

Comments (11)
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"blacked out drunk since about three months before our wedding"

You are getting just what you asked for. What did you expect???????

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""blacked out drunk since about three months before our wedding"

You are getting just what you asked for. What did you expect???????"

Well, that was my first thought. My second thought was, "Why the F--- do you stay? How F-ing stupid are you?" I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but honey, do you need a wake-up call.

So he's put you through 2 1/2 years of hell, leeching off you financially- you're enabling his sh!tty behaviour by continuing to give him money, looking after him and giving him a home, to your own detriment, how long does this have to continue before you wake up and smell the coffee?

" I was thinking about how I need to calm down, turn the other cheek, and treat him with some respect if we are going to get through this. Immediately the thought was interrupted by a voice, a very distinct "NOOOOO!"" Your inner voice is soooooooo right. Listen!!!!! When has your husband ever calmed down, turned the other cheek and treated _you_ with respect? Sounds like never and also sounds like he ain't fixin to do it soon, either. You have done nothing _but_ turn the other cheek so far and all its gotten you is prime position as the family doormat and dogsbody.

Why should you have to tell him when he is being rude? If he had any kind of manners he would know. If after 3 1/2 years of this relationship you haven't been treated better by your husband, you are kidding yourself if you think he ever will. The heavens will open and a host will sing hosannas if he does.

Leave. Just leave. Listen to your smart subconscious telling you to slam that door and not look back. You can make it on your own, look how well you have managed in the face of a bottomless pit. Just imagine how good it will be once you get that leak plugged. What your husband does after that is up to him. Maybe he'll get his act together, maybe he won't. I'm betting he'll find another nice lady to suck down the black hole but that won't be your concern.

Too many nice women get dragged down by a$$hole men because they keep thinking, "But I loooooooooooove him". Trust me, it will be possible to love a nice man just as much- more even, because he will be loving you back and _behaving_ in a loving manner, not just saying the words and treating you like carp.

This post was edited by colleenoz on Mon, Aug 5, 13 at 10:46

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you have 2 responses that give you good advice, once you recover from the shock of being blamed for 'putting up with it'.

What I have to add is this:

I once knew a guy who sounds just like this, & the fires won't stop with the kitchen grease fire.

The fires that I know of:

He was smoking in bed & passed out & the house burned down completely.
His wife's beloved African Gray parrot & her German Shepherd died in the fire.
Dan walked out without a scratch.

When they broke up, he rented a crummy mobile home that the homeowner had in front of the main house.
The landlord's son told me that they made him move;
on *3* separate occasions, he or his dad came home to find smoke pouring from the windows, Dan so passed out that they had a very hard time waking him up.

Dan rented a room from his employer.
The employer didn't allow alcohol or cigarettes.

Down the street was a pallet manufacturing plant.
When the plant burned to the foundations, the fire marshall found a huge stash of beer & liquor bottles.

Get out of that house before you burn to death,
& get the children out even if it means foster care.

I wish you the best.

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I'm not going to focus on how or why you got where you are. Water under the bridge.

But . . . I think you're headed either for a total nervous breakdown or a stroke, maybe both. This situation is so fraught with danger for you and the children I can't even begin to do justice to the dimensions.

I would recommend three things:

1) Get out now. Go. Do not take the children. You don't have legal custody. That's kidnapping.

2) As soon as you're out call Children's Services and report. Those children aren't safe with their father for a single moment. Let the experts assess the situation.

3) Separate yourself financially 100%. If your husband's name is on any bank accounts or credit cards, remove it now.

Honestly, I don't think right now you are in any situation to make a decision beyond those. You need time to decompress and back off from the crazy-making of your circumstances.

If you feel guilty about leaving the kids, don't. Right now you're drowning right along with them and you have to save yourself.

As far as your husband is concerned, it's possible he's not only alcoholic but mentally ill or perhaps brain damaged. If in the fire he was oxygen-deprived or if he's served overseas and had any sort of traumatic brain injury, it may have caused undiagnosed damage.

But that's not your responsibility. That's what the VA is for. Try not to fall into the trap of believing it's your "mission" to save him.

Right now you are the only priority.

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Sounds like you are dealing with an alcoholic. I know exactly what it is like. I live with a dry drunk. I used to be very calm and laid back. Now I am always mad, yelling and wishing he wouldn't come home at night...and he's been sober for a few years.

I wish someone had warned be fore I got into this mes.

The way I see it you have a few choices. You can:
1. Stay where you are and be miserable.
2. Go find an Al-anon meeting and get the focus off of him
3. Walk away.

I suggest starting with option 2. Trust me...the drunk isn't the only one with a problem. It's a hard reality but one that every spouse of an addict/alcoholic faces. Al-anon will help you learn to live with him as he is or help you make the choice to walk away. No one will make it for you but they will listen and relate to you.

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And I wanted to mention one more thing...

Unless you have walked in the shoes of someone who lives with or is married to an CAN'T relate. Alcoholics are masters at manipulation. They will twist your world around so bad you won't know where you are or how you got there. I used to think that people who stayed with an A were idiots and never understood why they just didn't walk away. Now I know for myself how one can get roped into staying and trying to help. That is where WE have the problem. You took on turning his finances probably meant well but you became his enabler. I did the same thing. Sometimes helping is the WORST thing you can do

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I can relate. My brother in law was one and I warned my sister before she married him. I told her he came to see me while you were away and I didn't realize he was drunk. He had me on the floor before I even realized I was going down. I said something that brought him to his senses and he left. In spite of this she married him because of money. Now she is an alcoholic. He could not give up his booze. He kids admitted him to a clinic and he still could not give it up.

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Take readinglady's advice. She said it better than I could have!

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Thank you for all of the advice. An interim update. He has been sober for 47 days. While I have seen him dry out for a few days in the past, this is the first time he has accepted and declared that he just can't drink anymore and ever again. He has informed work, family, and friends which helps with integrity.

I have been so angry and while I understand that expressing it may sabotage him, I just couldn't stop myself. He really got the brunt of it the first two weeks of his sobriety with the understanding that if I don't "get it out" I am going to be a bitter problem which is overall undesirable for everyone involved especially me. I am in no habit of staying angry. As my anger dwindled I realized that he was actually taking a different approach to sobriety this time. He tells me that he understands now that he can't drink at all and ever which makes it easier for him not to. Its just not an option in his head anymore. In addition to 47 days sober, he has also gone 47 days putting forth some serious effort at being a husband and father. He has been going to AA meetings everyday during his lunch break so as to not take time away from releasing me from kid duties. He has started to learn how to cook on the BBQ and relieves me of dinner duties on the weekends, days off, and minor holidays. He has been cleaning up after himself and keeping himself organized enough so he doesn't encroach onto me. Every weekend he has been actively engaging in spending time with his kids and helping me organize the disaster that was our house; as a result the kids are so much calmer and has started to restore their faith in their father. Financially, he has turned his spending around and the projected outcome is all debt paid off in 8 months. In the past he would do some of the above mentioned but his attitude was "someone is making me" so he would be pissed off every time he would help out. Now, he helps out without me even asking and seems to at least pleasantly tolerate some of the unpleasant tasks. This is so much better than a 34 year old angry teenager running around.

I feel like I am living in a fantasy marriage where I am getting everything I wanted. I will enjoy it; however, there has been daily "this may be temporary" thoughts to be sure.

Now that he has solidly hit his 30 day mark, he is aiming for three months, after that a year, three years, etc. He has informed me that he really doesn't have a constant urge to drink. He has occasional urges that catch him off guard. It seems to me that the urges are coming from "pampering himself", ie he sees an ad for some exotic beer, he envisions sitting out in the yard with a book, cigar, and said exotic treat. He and I both know that "one" leads directly to blacked out. It may not be that day, but within a week he will be right back at it which it is so scary considering my hopes and dreams are so fragile right now. He understands that I am really putting my heart on the line by staying, he also understands that the rest of his life is on the line along with my heart.

Everything is on the up and up at the moment. His attitude about all of this is refreshing. He is finally doing it for himself. Lets see what happens.

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I am glad for your sake to hear this and hope fervently it continues.
What prompted the turnaround?

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Today was 90 days and he is still sober. If I hadn't put a link on my browser to ever having written any of this I would have forgotten entirely. I am forgetful (or forgiving) and this time maybe that's a good thing for a change. He has definitely made it easy to at least not think about it.

Our relationship had deteriorated to a point where I was Mom to his two children and an out of control teenager (him). I think the turn around was that I gave up on him. I let my heart go icy cold. I gave up on fighting his training. I treated him exactly how he has trained me to treat him, with distrust and animosity. I neither hid nor revealed anything and I volunteered not a single word because talking to him had never helped. Only when he asked did I speak and what I spoke was brutally honest and emotionless. Exactly how I felt, just nothing anymore. I was fully prepared to leave him forever and I didn't care if he realized it or not. I told him that I need three months to get my affairs in order and he will give that to me because he owes me, period. I told him in the mean time your finances are your problems now. I will no longer police your spending so if your kids go hungry then you are to blame. However, I will be eating, I can take care of myself. Its you and your children that will go hungry and all three of you can sit at the table watching me eat. I don't care. Get your paychecks sent to your account tomorrow, as in tomorrow, drop what ever crap you think is important and get your ass to the bank otherwise your paychecks become my paychecks and I will not be sharing just as you haven't been sharing with me. I told him to make preparations for his children to be taken in by their mother, grandparents, someone, I don't care who because I am leaving and if you haven't gotten a plan together when I do walk away from this hell hole in three months then they will eventually be taken away from you by force. And get this done quick because as of this very second I refuse to wash dishes, do laundry, cook, clean, or anything else that I really don't have to do because there is no longer anything that I feel I have to do for you or yours anymore. Then I told him that I will not look after his kids anymore either. If you think you are going to leave them with me, I will make a point in getting me out of the house at my convenience, and they will be here alone, scared, and crying. I don't care anymore. I refuse to watch them. Take them to work if you have to. You benefiting from me and my parents is over. This was in the summer so the kids were home all day and he took them to work that day, just like I have taken them to work everyday for the last three years. I work in my families business so taking them to work was a pain in the ass but manageable. That day he realized that you only get 1/4 of the work done when the kids are around and you feel like punching babies at the end of the day. He begged for another chance. I told him how many chances do you need? The last three years were nothing but chances and you failed, you crashed and now you are burning and I wouldn't stop to piss on you because it would help you. How many accidents does a person have before they can be labeled as just not giving a sh**? How many times can a person say "I didn't know" before they can be labeled as a complete f**king retard? You have given me nothing but words, words are cheap, and cheapen even more when coming from your mouth. He begged me to tell him what to do to fix things. I told him that I have been telling him what to do for three years, you refused all of it. Dig deep into the crap pile that is left of your brain. I am sure you can come up with a million ideas if you just tried. I told him that there are three months before I leave. Prove to me, show me, make it a possibility for me to stay. Make me want to stay but in the mean time I am preparing to get out of dodge because I don't think you can do it. In fact, I know you can't do it. I do not believe in you anymore. And I meant it right to the center of my icy heart. I felt nothing but the weight of myself burdening me which was many tons lighter than what I had been carrying. This made me happy and he saw that. He saw that I was happy because there was a light at the end of my tunnel now.

Ok, shake it off. Getting all worked up here. He has turned everything around and is maintaining. All he has done is quit drinking and everything else fell into place. He has a better memory, he has more energy, he has more time, his mood is more consistent, he smiles, we are paying off our debt which has gone faster than we predicted, saving money, and will soon be able to splurge every now and then. There has been all of this improvement with just one life change (one really hard life change) and he knows it because he is living it and frequently comments that it was the drinking. He still has urges but the frequency has been decreasing. He knows that he has ruined himself with alcohol as in once he has been ruined he can not go back. I love him more now than when I married him. If he falls off the wagon? I don't know. We will deal with that when it happens.

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