Sloppy and Drunk Husband Venting
I don't know where to begin or how to make this short...
I have been married 2 1/2 years and I imagine all of this is just "that stage in a marriage" but REALLY?! Some background: Husband has two boys (5 & 7) from a previous marriage to a severe drug addict (recently was released from a year long rehab facility and completed it successfully this time... and so far...). Husband has full physical custody and half legal. I have been sole caretaker of these two children since they were 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 and they have seen their mother twice since they came to me. She is a flake. I was a "career woman" and had zero kid knowledge to such an extent that I pondered if I even like kids at all but I was pretty level headed and took challenges on with gusto.
Those poor kids, living with their mom, in a different state, and my poor sweet, kind, respectful boyfriend at the time for such heart ache and barren bank account. When he started to get phone calls from people she was staying with (she had been kicked out of everywhere she would take them) that no one was watching after his kids and they are being neglected severely and he needs to get them as soon as possible; I had been listening to this spiral into the toilet for three months and put some thought into it before telling him to bring them here. I will help. Well, F*** Me. He got emergency child custody and I was playing Mom and Wife in a family of four two days later. The whole child custody was incredibly frustrating with the lies and the screaming. After it was over I told Husband to take some money and get some self respect and confidence back.
So that obviously (when looked at in retrospect now that I understand men more) lead to he spends every cent to the point where food is scarce, he has been blacked out drunk since about three months before our wedding and consequently he emphasizes fear and hate to his children, he is an absolute slob, and he doesn't stop talking plus his topics are always negative and he expresses them in a whiny or over aggressive fashion. Huh, living the other side of the story as far as his divorce I guess except I am no drug addict. The fact is, I am embarrassed that I married him.
Why did I marry him? He was the complete opposite of this before the ring hit my finger (well, except for the slob part, men are just messy AND it's not alright, that to me is compromise). Before we got married HE is the one that initiated the "When the ring goes on your finger, you're not going to flip on me are you?" and the "Do you or have you ever used drugs?" conversations. The questions reversed produced acceptable answers.
He eroded me like waves on rocks. I was (and am still capable of being) a very peaceful person. A level headed, not quick to yell, reasonable, helpful person. I am now volatile and very angry. The cops had to be called out once and two weeks ago I slept in my car at the bay to get away from him.
During all of this, I was working full time from home; he was/is a Marine. I have taken those children, from what I considered, wild animals and they are now very calm, reasonable little people which has been especially difficult when Dad is running around slobbishly and drunk all of the time.
I have taken his financial disaster and turned it completely around mainly by going without and earning an income myself. Some months I made between $5,000 to $7,000 but usually around $2,000 to $3,000 per month and going without as in, he and the kids went with and when it came to me needing/wanting something, I went without. Like bras and underwear all falling apart and using his razor. Every month the same song and dance, I would pay all the bills while he was boozing it up within the first week (he has spent in excess of $1,200 a month on booze that I could track, not going to the bar which he hardly does but bottles at home), then there was some money left over and I would save it for food and necessities to get through the month. He would then bombard me with "needs" so I would give him the debit card, which by the end of the month turned into a credit card, and every purchase included a bottle. I found myself having to micromanage his spending and putting him on an allowance that he ALWAYS went over. He would just save actual needs for when the money was gone.
Slob is an understatement. He takes out the trash, so naturally he doesn't throw anything into the trash. I have gone through my house and filled two 13-gallon trash bags of pure garbage just laying EVERYWHERE and that was just five days of me wondering if he will figure it out on his own. I don't think he noticed anything different at all. I don't have a way of doing things either. My only concern is functionality. If I grab a clean fork, I expect it to be clean. Functionality, but there he is wanting to be told what to do every step of the way. Ok, now scrub. Nope keep scrubbing. Ok, throw it in there. Grab another one. Ok, yea, like that. You got this? Are you sure? ARGH!! Eroding me to micromanaging again! I would swear he was retarded if he wasn't actually a quite bright person. He aces everything he puts his mind to. I just can't seem to get his mind focused on anything helpful to me.
Husband was the cause of a grease fire in his early 20's, 33% of his body was 3rd degree burns. He has never learned anything in the kitchen. However, he is 33 years old now. F-ing get f-ing over f-ing it, F***! According to his family, he went from golden boy to a train wreck, addicted to prescription drugs. The Marines cleaned him up and I think having extra money wasn't something he has ever had before me.
Essentially, he worked, mowed the lawn (except he broke his foot last month), took out the trash, and then drank a fifth every night. That's it. I worked full time and did everything else on top of fixing things for him. He is a complete screw up. I tell him to take the kids to the beach because I have to work and we don't have much money. I end up having to leave work and go to the beach to get the truck out of impound and pay $364 dollars because he didn't bother to figure out what the sign said. He saw it and all the other ones in front of all of the other spots in the area but couldn't read his, it was messy (his words). He does something like this every single time I let him out of my sight. Its not "like" I have three kids. I have three kids. From BioMom's previous marriage and somehow they all landed on my lap, no Dad in sight. And one of them wants to get laid...
I broke. Husband broke me. I gave up. I stopped everything. Cooking, cleaning, working, etc. Someone here wrote that she doesn't do anything if she resents him for it while she is doing it. I am going to put it to him like that next time it comes up. I just get so pissed off while doing the dishes, its homicidal. So, yea, I stopped doing everything except I modified the finances. I pay the bills for the house, utilities, cells, cable/internet, and debt then I take a $200 allowance for myself (I am underpaid in comparison to him but I smoke and like ice cream when the boys go to bed and that is all I "need" until the debt gets paid off). He gets the rest. If we look like hobos and are hungry then its your fault Husband. That didn't even last a week. That first weekend he sucked down two fifths and a pint. The following weekend was two fifths and a half gallon. That's when I slept in my car. I left the kids. They aren't mine, they usually don't interact with him much when he is drunk, they were sleeping at the time (11ish pm), and I am never going to ever feel cold handcuffs again because he's a nut job. To hell with all that garbage. I am an avid camper and outdoors person so sleeping in my car at the bay was actually a treat but it sure scared him. Finally.
The money he had just spent on booze and supplements (according to him working out helps him stay dry but this particular combo purchase didn't make any sense to me) was the money he needed for taking the kids to see their Mom combined with money that we were going to spend reacquainting ourselves with each other. He is there right now which is why I have time to write this at all.
This two week trip will be the second time I have gone more than a 6 hour school day without the boys around since they came out here 3 1/2 years ago. I know I need to get out more. At first I was just trying to save money and fix the finances but at this point I am just so depressed or just simply over it and I just don't know what my next move is. No where except camping alone sounds good to me. About a year ago we went camping just the two of us and I spent the whole trip uncomfortable and 'twitchy'. I kept having a feeling like I have to do something and even stood up a couple times for no reason. I ended up having to tell him to just stay away from me which he couldn't do. Hand me this, fix that, make this, etc just everything always ends with me getting up and doing something for him or him wanting something so I just ended up yelling at him to leave me alone multiple times a day. I guess in the absence of the kids he thought it was cater to him weekend. Nope, not when he does what he does.
He also took two weeks off from work for this so we could rebond but he spent all the money so yea, dunno what to say about that.
He has been dry for three weeks and I will have to admit that this time feels different. He has a ton more resolve but he is also paying for his mistakes. I have money to help him out but I feel as if my hands are forced. Forcing me to make him "see" or it will be my sanity that I will be doing without. Another thing I have noticed during this dry spell that I just thought it was the drunk talking. He is very rude. Two nights ago, he tossed some baby wipes on the floor next to me, pointed at them, and half mumbled "Put that back." Now, I have had some lower back problems in the last few months (bending over for nothing is just not an option) and he has a broken foot but again, I am an outdoorsy type, played softball in high school, has legs, can walk. Why was tossing them on the floor his solution when crutching over himself, tossing them TO ME, or I walk to him were the more obvious choices? I explained calmly to him what just happened to me. He was very sincerely, apologetic about it, thanked me for mentioning it, and told me to tell him when he does things like that (now that was the man I fell in love with). I have been noticing this type of behavior lately though, now that he is drying out. Its not often, maybe twice at this point but it still concerns me.
I have some mental health concerns of my own I think. I heard a voice the other day. It was my voice but I 100% didn't mean to think it as in it caught me by surprise and was alarming. I was thinking about how I need to calm down, turn the other cheek, and treat him with some respect if we are going to get through this. Immediately the thought was interrupted by a voice, a very distinct "NOOOOO!". So much so that I looked around my empty bedroom. Who was that?! I realized that it was in my head, it was my voice, and it sounded like I was screaming it but it was coming through with the volume turned down yet clear. Yesterday, I heard a door slam. Same situation. No where near a door that would sound like that. In fact, it sounded like my bedroom door as a kid. I was a biology major, emphasis in animal behavior (dropped out with one semester left due to a car accident and never went back). I am a very reasonable, logical person. I know I am hearing stuff and as I understand it, this is my subconscious telling me that I need to do something about this and I am working on it.
I don't know how this two weeks are going to go. I am afraid that I won't want the boys to come back. I am afraid I may panic and bolt. I am afraid to stay. In light of all that, I really do want my husband and I to work out together but this is really all I have left to give. I need to receive more than this.