Vent - Invisible Around Child
Hi! This is my first post. For the last eight months, I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend. He has an eight year old daughter from a previous relationship. He has her every other weekend and every Wednesday. I am the first woman that he has seriously dated since his divorce. I really love him. Right now we are at a crossroads. I should say that *I* am at a crossroads.
I feel as if I am an outsider when I am around my boyfriend and his daughter. I like the girl. I think she is funny, sassy, and very lovable. She likes me too. It isn't her. It is him! He has some sort of "odd" idea that being a helicopter parent is the best way to be. When I am around, it is like I am not even there!
He says that he is ready to integrate me into his relationship with his daughter but his actions don't show it. First, when she is around he doesn't give me any form of affection. I don't want a full slob-down, but a hug and a peck on the cheek? Hold my hand when we are together? I get none of that. Also, sometimes I feel as if I am treated as a friend and not the woman that he SAYS he wants to marry. As a result of this, it is hard for me to feel fully engaged when we have our outings because I feel ignored and invisible. Not from the daughter...FROM HIM.
At his birthday dinner, we spent the entire time looking at his daughter. There was no adult conversation. He pissed me off because he didn't open my card in front of her.
He made the statement that "all he wants to do is spend his birthday with his daughter." I called him out on that and he said that he didn't mean it that way.
I have a lot of "toys" that children enjoy at my home - Wii, PS2, hot chocolate machines and such. I feel like he wants to bring her to the house to entertain the daughter. He soaks up my resources and he can't even give me a hug.
I have had it! For the past couple of weekends, I have disappeared and have been thinking about my next course of action. Well, this morning I had received an email from him stating that he is very disappointed that I have not been around them during visitation. He feels as if my disappearance is directly related to his daughter.
Isn't that something? He can't give 100% to me, but I am expected to give 100%! I really think that he was upset because he couldn't come over and play the Wii.
Oh yeah! He has unreasonable expectations of me. Actually any woman that he would date. He often makes the statement that "we" will have a daughter and he expects me to "love" her like a daughter. Noooooo...She is not my daughter. She has a mother who is there and involved. I will not disrespect her like that because he has a crazy relationship with her. No way!
I read an awful, awful book that basically said that I should bend over backwards and ignore my needs because step mothers are always in second place. The author proposed that step mothers get pregnant to have equal footing. I don't want that. Please, please tell me that this isn't what my life is going to be like.