"The kids have chosen to call my new husband "Dad, Pop, Daddy" depending upon their age. My ex-husband tells them not to because he is their father and always will be."
I wold tell the kids that they can call the SD whatever they want to. I would also tell the ex that if he wants to be CALLED dad he has to start ACTING like a dad, not like a visiting stranger. Being the sperm donor is not enough.

"However when it comes time to discipline he feels that he doesn't have any rights. Is there a rule of thumb for this type of situation?"

You are HIS wife ... the two of you need to sit down and agree on a discipline strategy that is workable, and inform the kids of the new regime.

His house, his rules.

I totally agree, however my ex-husband steps in during his few and infrequent visits and tells the children they do not have to listen to my husband, not to call him dad etc... He always seems to disrupt things when he does come around. So, the rule of thumb is "his house, his rules" and I agree. How do I get my children to see that their father is being miserable and trying to create trouble?

How old are they? Old enough to tell them that their dad is causing trouble? I had the same problem not only with the ex wife but my MIL as well. It did cause a lot of trouble. Whatever their age, they can understand that house rules are just that, and will be supervised and enforced by both adults under the roof.

Sometimes I just had to tell our combined 5 that things were what they were: non-negotiable and our decision. Regardless of who was the biological parent and who was just---ahem---paying for that roof!
j

Jerri,
They children from the first marriage are 14, 12, 10 and 7. My 10 year old is autistic and wouldn't know the difference. He doesn't even ask about his "real" father anymore, though he gets exciting when he makes a presence. My 14 refuses to go with him, my 12 year old isn't crazy about going unless there's something in it for her. The 7 year old is realizing some things about his father.
I guess they do understand house rules, but they are at the age where sometimes they like to "play us". My ex-husband and I don't even speak. There was a lot of verbal and physical abuse followed by a bitter divorce. He has made it clear that he "won't go down alone" and will "be a thorn in my side" for the rest of his life. Anyway talking with him is out of the question because I don't feel like I can trust him. I feel as if he's out to get me. I don't talk bad about him around the kids, I know the affects that would have. My 7 year old is especially good at telling his father "fibs" to attempt to cause trouble between us. Any suggestions on getting that to stop?

wow, you do have a loaded boat. He sounds like a clone of my ex, though it was dh's ex that caused the most problems. Some of the stuff she did we had little control over while the kids were young. But they are all grown now, and believe me they know her for what she is. Now we hear "I didn't see it when I was growing up, but now I understand." We also took great pains not to bad mouth their mom. As a child of divorce I have first hand experience of what happens when you listen to bad things about the other parent: you may keep quiet, but inside you are defending them to the max. It just makes the bond stronger. I will give you one word of encouragement: he CANNOT be a thorn in your side for the rest of your life, because someday those kids will all be grown and you will not have to have contact with him at all, barring birth-death-graduations-weddings. He'll behave at those hallmark events or his kids won't invite him, they'll take care of that themselves. Other than that he will just fade away from your life.

As the the 7-yr old 'fibbing': Regardless of when, where, or to whom he is lying, that must be handled firmly, swiftly, and consistently. Make him understand that lying will not be tolerated. Every child has a 'favorite' something, figure out what his favorite activity or toy or event is and let him know in advance that he will loose that for telling fibs. Then follow through each and every time. We used escalating discipline. It's handy to chart it all out so there is no question about which time this is, what it to be restricted, when such event happened, etc. Even a 7 year old can read a simple chart. First event: 3 days (or a week, or whatever you feel is age-appropriate) restricted from such-n-such. Second offense, 6 (2week), 3rd offense 12 days (4 weeks). the time doubled with each escalation. Believe me, if they are giving up something they REALLY like they won't often do it past third, and that's if they are hard headed. You could also do it with something they must do, rather than loosing something they like to do. If they don't like sitting still and writing, 1st event, a 1 paragraph essay on 'why I shouldn't do such-n-such, next time 2, next time 4, etc. But in my experience it was more successfully to withdraw a favored thing. With #1 son, loosing book or game time. #2, no playing with others, #3, no outside play #4, no tv, #5, no telephone. With daughter, the most successful thing turned out to be her wardrobe. Take her favorite outfit out of circulation for x days. This is age and interest specific and will change with time.

It is time consuming and you must be scrupulously consistent. But the payoff is worth it. The 7 yr old sounds like he may have a bit of his dad in him, it would be to his advantage to get him trained out of it now.

good luck, and keep us posted, or you can email me.
j

Glad,
Sounds like you have a handfull! This is how I look at it. He who clothes, feeds and provides shelter is the one who makes the rules. Your husband is providing all this and more for your kids. He has the right to discipline them. Maybe if you explained to him that discipline is part of being a role model and father he might see it another way.

Jerri- Great advice on the 7 year old. All kids will try this game its up to the parents to put a stop to it.

I would try family counseling.

My DH, my son (from a previous marriage) and I are going to a counselor who is helping us all figure out how to interact as a team. My ex also manipulates our son and tries to manipulate me also. There is a lot of resentment on the part of my DH because he is highly offended and frustrated by the way the ex treats my son, but there isn't anything he (my DH) can do to fix the situation.

It's been a great help for my son to see that it isn't necessarily disloyal to love someone other than his dad, no matter what his dad tries to tell him.

Slowly, things are getting better.

Keli