Co-parenting is something you and your ex-husband do.

I would be incensed if my exH ever suggested that his current wife participate in a therapy session for one of our kids. Even if she had not come on the scene until after the divorce, she would have no business getting involved.

I am not quite sure what some of the activities you listed have to do with parenting, such as cleaning up after their dogs and taking out the garbage.

I think moving a man (especially someone to whom you are not even married) in with your children, and especially at their current ages, is not a good idea. It would be far better to wait four years.

I have to say I do not totally agree with TOS! I know that being a stepparent to a 14 yr old and 16 yr old may be tough for your fiancee and it may be more work for you.(I know at 14 I was a major bi*** to my moms new boyfriend-but she had left the stepfather who raised me for him and I had caught her cheating). But, I do not think that it is completely unmanageable. Eventually, I even warmed up to my moms boyfriend who later became my stepfather.

Waiting 4 years might not be practical, especially if the boys end up going to community college and still living at home. I do not think that you have to wait until your boys are in their 20's to get re-married! Is your ex dating?

At 14 and 16 I am sure that your boys are involved with sports and friends and you are no longer required to give them all your attention. Your allowed to live your life as well, with your childrens best interests in mind-as you seem to have! As far as the counseling sessions go I would get the therapists imput on if he/she thinks your fiancee needs to be present.

As for you ex, he does not seem to be able to deal with the fact that you have moved on. I am not sure if there is anything else you can really say to him to put him at ease. How long have you been apart?

And yet the vast majority of posters here would not marry while their children were at home (or sometimes at all) if they had it to do over again.

mom2emall,

You warmed up to the man you caught cheating with your mother on the man who raised you? Why?

TOS thanks for your perspective. I'm guessing my ex feels the same way. The responsibility that my fiance takes for the dogs gives my younger son a break during the summer - son #2 is responsible for getting up early to walk the dogs every school day, but we give him a break when school's out. Wait 4 years...well, I suppose that would be an option, although it raises a number of other logistical issues. I actually LIKE having my fiance here, and I'm grateful that he's engaged with my boys in such positive ways and on so many levels. By the way, one of the reasons we're not married already has to do in a roundabout way to one of your posts regarding college financial aid, for which I thank you. The fact that stepfather's income gets included in the FAFSA calculation has given us pause, and we're seeking financial planning advice.

mom2emall - we divorced over 3 years ago, and there's a lot my ex isn't able to deal with (mental/emotional issues). He's been dating although my boys have only briefly met the current GF of 4 months. I'm waiting on the therapist to decide what's best for my son as far as my fiance's involvement - we'll go with her decision. I'm hoping she's skillful enough to navigate these rough waters.

Here's a definition of co-parenting I found online:

"An arrangement under which the normal duties of parenting a child are shared by several different individual or caregivers, some of which may or may not be the biological or adoptive parents of the child, but all of which already have, or are in the process of developing, significant relationships with the child."

Ann

Tell your ex he has nothing to worry about. Your boys will put up their own walls and create enough problems that your fiance will never come close to "taking" his place.

I really like the definition of co-parenting that you found. It's exactly how I would define it, if not so eloquently. Sometimes it does take a village, not just a BioMom and BioDad.

I do think that waiting to re-marry, especially when children are involved, is usually a good idea. I don't agree that waiting 1 year for every 4 years of the marriage is necessarily the right formula, however. I think each partnership is unique, and might require different timeframes. I don't think one should rush into a remarriage just to be married.

Regarding stepfathers and discipline - DH is actually better at disciplining my children and our son together than he is our older sons, my SSs. Our three younger kids seem to respond better. My 14 yo DD was giving me a hard time about having to sit through family dinner with us, as she had eaten McDonald's with friends at 3:00 pm. DH said, "DSD, it's family dinner. Please sit down and join us. You don't have to eat." She sat down without a word. I don't think discipline by a step is always right, but it works for us. (Except when I try to discipline my SSs, LOL.)

titanscout your response came across as pretty cynical. I have every reason to believe that the way my older son and my fiance have bonded in the past several months will continue, and that the common interests that my fiance and my younger son share will at least break down some walls, not erect new ones.

Ann

They are older. If they are getting along at the present, you may be right.

In my experience, the child chooses allegiance to the bio parent and has to demonstrate that loyalty by erecting barriers. At a minimum, the child feels compelled to keep their relationship with the step, at a level lower than the one they have with their bio.

It is a unique situation indeed, where the step and child have a relationship that is unaffected by the bio in some way.

titanscout I agree that loyalty issues are very difficult to navigate, and certainly my boys sense the unstated tension that goes along with their father's discomfort with my fiance. Whether we can all put aside our differences in order to raise teenagers who have healthy relationships with all of the caring adults in their lives is the question we hope to answer, sooner rather than later.

Ann

I sincerely hope you can attain that elusive goal.

Anna... This is how it worked out in "our family" .. BM felt I was "taking her place" doing all the stuff for and with the kids. She wanted to be able to do it. So when they needed a ride or to go to a drs. appt ... she was called first can you bring me? Can you take them? They need a ride here or there, can you do it? Each time she refused she was busy ... Hubby said to her ... cawfe can't take your place if you are not there to begin with. Kind of put the end to it. I still tell her of all the appointments and the where they need to be's so she is included its on her to refuse to be involved.

So with their dad give him an opportunity to run them around for a bit or refuse then its on him. You can say, well if you can't do it someone has to and I can't so who do you suggest we ask.

The boys are probably saying nice things about your fiance. Maybe not even nice ... just that he is doing stuff for and with them. And dad is feeling "left out".

"What can I say to my ex to diffuse his irrational fear that my fiance wants to usurp his role as a father? "
I don't know what anyone can do to diffuse an irrational fear --
But the rational fears might be helped a bit --

Since he has agreed to go to counseling, I'd ask him in a counseling session, what roll he envisions your fiance having in the boys' lives. How much step-dad involvement will he tolerate in the boys' life? Try to work through something there that he will at least give 'lip service' to and will pledge to support. Offer to do the same for him, and if you can, put it in writing.

There are many different versions of successful step-parenting from near non-involvement to replacement parenting -- but IMO, virtually all of the successful arrangements require the support of the Bio parent of that gender.

In other words, if your EX is determined to undermine your sons' relationship with your fiance, he WILL be able to do it and you will not be able to prevent it. Your aim should be to get him to understand the harm that would do to your boys, and to try to enlist his support on whatever terms he will agree to.

cawfe - thanks for your thoughts. Unfortunately my ex lives about 30 min away, so isn't available for much in the way of picking up/dropping off, unless it's on a weekend the boys are with him. I'm pretty much the primary parent, and my fiance helps when I have a scheduling conflict, but we don't rely on my ex for anything logistical. You're right, Dad's feeling left out although the boys are generally pretty circumspect in what they tell him of my fiance. They tell me nothing of my ex's GF (not that I ask except in the context of something else).

sweeby - counseling is still an open question. The counselor who's doing the assessment of my older son has made it clear that she's not the right person to help us with co-parenting because that would put her in a dual role. She's happy to refer us to others, but the whole idea makes me tired. I can't tell you how many years we spent in counseling while we were married, both together and individual. I'm hoping that my son's counselor can help us get to the bottom of any harm that might have been done to him as a result of his father's fears.

One alternative I'm considering is to give up on my ex ever changing, and instead work as a "family" within our current structure, the 4 of us (myself, fiance, 2 boys) and go to family therapy to talk about all of our concerns. This to me seems much more useful.

I'm coming to the conclusion that in order to co-parent, there has to first be a foundation of trust and respect. Unfortunately we don't have either, and by the time we "get there" with a counselor, my sons will probably have gone off to college and the point would be moot. I'm pretty discouraged about making any progress, but then again I realize how stuck I am.

It's late at night, I'm hoping all of this is somewhat coherent ;-)

Ann

Ann,

I have a 3 year old from a previous relationship and my DH is the primary male role model in my sons life as his father lives in another state. My son calls my DH daddy, and as much as his father hates it he can't really complain that much. My DH has raised my son for 2 years, and his father has never really been around for one reason or another. Though I know to hear it bothers him a lot, he respects the fact that my DH treats my DS the way he does. Not treating him as just some kid.

My DH does more disciplining then I do, time out here or maybe a little swat on the behind. As I tend to be the sucker, it's harder for me to do it, and my son knows that. I do believe that what you have going on in your home is a great situation. But maybe sitting down with your BF and your ex might be useful. Asking your ex if he would rather the boys have a great home life where they can feel comfortable and not be belittled or emotionally hurt or would they rather have a home life where your BF is distant and doesn't help you when you need it. He just needs to imagine how much the boys would do without if your BF didn't help you while you were detained. Hey if he wants to drive 30 minutes to take the boys to school and pick them up every day let him, chances are he wont do it for long. Let him pick up some of the slack where your BF helps out.

Just one opinion from another BM / SM.

I agree with theotherside that is is not a good idea to shack up when children are involved. Especially teenage boys! How will you react when they want to move their girlfriends into their bedrooms? WELL, YOU DID IT will be their response.

Not a good idea to sexualize children. Make no mistake about it, they are aware that you and BF are having sex.