Can't you bring the girls with you, that way everyone would be happy?

Why not take the kids with you?

1) What jenn said. That seems like such an obvious answer, though, maybe there's a reason you don't want to do that?

2) I assume your husband's time with his daughters is dependant on the custody agreement with his ex, as well as with their school schedule. Your time with your parents is dependant on neither of those things. While wanting to spend holidays with them is understandable, is there a real reason you (and your husband) couldn't take a couple vacation days and visit your parents at a different time, when it wouldn't require him giving up time with the girls? Or, if I'm mistaken about school schedule being a driver, could husband make an arrangement with ex to have extra time with the girls at a different time?

Neither of my parents ever has their christmas family celebration on actual christmas day. Between my parents (divorced) my grandparents (who have my uncles and cousins and cousins' families as well as mine), my stepmom's family, my sisters-in-law's families (parents also divorced in one instance, grandparents still alive in another), not to mention me, who lives 1000 miles away from them all, it's simply too complicated with too many competing family obligations to expect everyone to be able to get together on the actual day of a holiday. Which is more important, arguing over the day of the holiday or figuring out a way for everyone to get to spend time together, whatever day it may be?

die4chocolate, I remember a few years back I was in the same situation as you. I suggested the stepchildren come with us for the holiday with my parents. My parents and family were excited to include them in our family holiday celebration. However, the 2 stepchildren (in their teens) refused and became upset we would even suggest it. The SC said would be uncomfortable so DH split up our holiday. We spent 2 days with my family before the holiday and then the next 2 days with his children.

It always hurt me that my SC refused to get to know my family yet they expected me to except all their family including their manipulating mother.

I have excepted the fact they just don't really want anything to do with me or my family. That is their loss.

Though I agree that if it is in reason to bring the girls with your for the holiday, sometimes that just might not be an option. While your dad might be getting up there in age and he might not be able to take the business of kids in the house or something to that degree. If taking them is out of the option then I don't see you going as a problem. You seem to have a great friendship with the girls with no real problems from the ex, so if you and DH sit down with the girls (on the phone) and maybe talk to them both about the situation they may understand. If not and it is a problem, then just go alone. That sucks because you seem to do a lot in regards to your DH but it happens sometimes. But if you are honest and open with them telling them that your dad is getting older and you were hoping to spend Thanksgiving with him this year would they have a problem maybe skipping this holiday, they might be understanding. If not well then go the other route. But you seem to have put your husbands family first through out your marriage so and I commend you on that BUT your family still needs there time with you. What you put off today might now be around tomorrow. Just remember that.

I think children of divorce may end up with bigger families. I know every year I celebrate Christmas on Christmas eve, so we can put my DD on flight to her dad early Christmas day. Fortnuately my family is understanding -- so we can all have christmas eve dinner togethor but that is all. It is dificult to coordienate flights etc.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It appears that you have done an outstanding job of embracing these girls and their relationship w/ their father. However, it is not too much to ask that your every holiday in which they are free to visit is now be spent w/o the ability to see your own family. Meaning, that while it's great to be able to accomodate the girls' schedules, it should not be at the expense of your family. I think NINE years of having your own family get to see you for holidays only when you become available as the girls are not w/you is plenty. You never know how many more Thanksgivings you will have the opportunity to spend w/ your dad, etc. I'd be a bit resentful if DH didn't understand. I do see where he's coming from, however, but if it's more than just your dad you'd like to see, understandably so, and they can't all travel to your place, I think it would be nice if DH let you have your way for once. Maybe make it up to the girls w/ a little more time after Christmas or cut your visit to your family home a little, so you can still have an abbreviated visit from the girls.

I'd hesitate to bring the kids along as you'll have a little more stress about trying to catch up w/ family and be sure the girls aren't bored, etc. You can ask for ONE time to be a guest for the holiday instead of hosting it as always. I realize that they aren't always available for Thanksgiving and that those times will free you up to do as you please, but since you're always the one waiting to hear before making plans, you can take one time to be able to do as you please.

Dana

Maybe you could visit your family at Christmas, and let DH stay with the girls?

Hi everyone:

Thanks for your responses, they're very appreciated.

Several of you asked about bringing the girls with us. That is something I considered, however they only have off Thursday and Friday for Thanksgiving, and living 300 miles south like they do, we wouldn't have enough time to make the drive from Texas to Illinois. My husband and I have the whole week off.

Good question, and something I should have added in my first post.

:-)

My father died a number of years ago;
The Christmas before he passed away, he told us,
"You've all had your last Christmas with me."

He knew.
We didn't.

Had we known, we'd have been nicer to each other, we'd have been more on-time, we'd have taken more photos...
but he knew, & we didn't.

If I were able to drive 3 hours to see my father for one minute, I'd be outta here like a shot with a big ole smile on my face.

Hubs could manage the kids at our home, or he could come with me & see the girls another time, or he could bring the kids with us.

I'd tell hubs I was just as happy with him as I could be, I was just delighted with him, & I loved him a real whole bunch
...& I'd spend the holiday with my father.

Ahhhh, Sylvia. So sorry for your loss. Brought a tear to my eye as I still mourn my g-father, gone now 2.5 yrs. Still, not a day goes by when I don't shed a few tears, talk to him, even pick up the phone to call him. He was a second father to me (I have a great dad, but g-father was w/ me so much more since having my boys - maternity leave gave me lots of free time and he was always w/ me.)

Anyway, I think of what I'd do, what I'd give, to just have another ten minutes w/ him.

Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" is a song that has haunted me since my g-father's death - just came out around then and the words rang so true. My g-father wanted to see Italy - I never got him there. That would have been his 'skydiving' and all I have left are regrets about not taking him. But, family was also everything and when I go, I'd love to be surrounded by my kids, g-dd, and three of my six g-grandsons....all begging for another ten minutes...

Did your father have a premonition or was he ailing?

Poster - please go see your dad! Lots of great advice here - and a little sensitivity in handling this could make all the difference in the world.

Dana

Thanks, Dana.

I don't think it was a premonition;
he was in bad health, & I think he just realized that he was burning his candle very fast.

but I checked in this AM because I felt like I had told my story & then I didn't actually give any helpful suggestions to go along with it, so...

die4chocolate, it would be nice of hubs to go with you regardless of where his daughters spend the holiday.

It would be generous of him, & it would warm your heart.

You've been supportive & generous with regards to his family/children, & reciprocation would be the fair thing to expect.

but if it just doesn't work out that way this time, all it means is that it just doesn't work out that way this time.

You & hubs aren't one person.
You don't have to both be at the same place at the same time.

Go see your dad, & be happy with hubs no matter where he is at the time.

Enjoy your holiday, take lots of pictures, be happy.

Couldnt agree more

Tell Dh -- you love him, the SCs and your dad, but somehow cant be in two places at once.

He can bring them, or you can go by yourself.

I would not suggest saying he can reduce visit wiht them, that part is for him to say,

but just my opinion

In your situation I would spend holidays with my aging parents. Your husband can join you with girls or not join you, he might understand or not understand your position, but you will never have another father.

I also would spend Thanksgiving with my aging parents. I would do as kkny suggested - DH and girls can go with, or you can go alone. Give him the option, but don't ask him to give up time with his daughters. I know it will be hard not to be with DH and the girls for the holiday, but it doesn't really seem logistically possible to be in both places. If it's too hard to be apart from your immediate family for Thanksgiving, then you should just plan a solo trip up to Illinois some other time in the near future to see your folks.

With the time frame you mention I'm going to guess that they would be flying out to you and flying back to home. What if you and their father go up to your folks have a few days just with the folks, pick the girls up at the airport Thursday, spend the girls' time up there, put them back on a plane to their mom and head home yourself?
~They get to spend time with their dad that they don't see much of.
~You get to see your folks (notice a trend here:) )
~You get to spend some relative quite time with your relatives
~And someone else makes the turkey.

This does assume that there is a airport within a few hours of your folks.

As an alternative, would the school and their mother be ok with an excused absence of a few days so that they took the whole week off? They might get a large pile of homework assigned but it can work.

Have you talked to him anymore about it Die4chocolate?