kkny,
I'm not sure what you are trying to say but I am referring to plasticgarden's statement:

"If you love your daughter,you will do more then just talk to him.You will stand up to him and tell him what he is doing is wrong and you'll handle it from now on"

Whether it's a first or second marriage, step or bio (adult) child, for one parent to do that is going to cause friction in the marriage. It's no wonder why more second marriages fail than first. If that's how people handle those problems. In your marriage, if you "stood up" to your husband and said you will decide how to handle your DD and he just has to accept it, then I'm sure it would cause problems. But, I'm sure the two of you would sit and discuss the issues as a couple and that is what should be done, whether it's a first or second marriage.

The adult child is going to leave (and yes, they are always going to be that parent's child) but if the marriage is to last, the couple needs to be a team. If a parent takes the child's side all the time and tells the spouse to "deal with it" then it will damage the marriage. I don't think it really matters if it's a nuclear family or not.

I have to agree with KKNY on this. DH may not always be there.

If this were my child and he were acting this way towards her, despite the fact that he'd raised her from the time she was small, I'm not sure what I'd do.

I am currently on my 2nd marriage and despite my feelings towards my husband, if he abused my son in any way I'd show him the door. My son has ALWAYS been there. DH has not. A court judgement and a signature will release you from your marriage, nothing, not even adoption or death releases you from motherhood.

Yes, your marriage is important, very important, but if it came down to it, would you allow your husband to abuse your child because he's your husband?

On the general subject: To me this almost sounds like a jealousy issue. DH may be jealous that he's not getting all of DW's attention as he was before DD moved back in. Or he may be upset with DD because she got into financial trouble in the first place. Yes, it happens, but DH may be feeling the strain and feeling helpless because he can't help her. If he gives her the money it doesn't teach her anything about responsibility, and if he doesn't have it, of course he's feeling guilty about that too. Combined all of that could cause anyone to be grumpy & short.

It's an idea anyways.

I didn't realize we are talking about abuse? are we?

Telling a 21 year old that has moved back home because she's gotten herself into debt and needs to get back on track, that she can't go out more than one night a week, is hardly what I would call abuse.

It was a hypothetical situation and not related directly to the subject at hand, that's why the separation.

Telling a 21 year old that she needs to stay home period is absolutely ridiculous. She's 21, she's not 40, and she's either going to go out, or she's going to get tired of the BS at home and wind up in more debt or another crappy relationship and be gone. Remember being 21?

Its not abuse, but I do think it is unreasonable, and I think the point being made is that a DH by virtue of marriage does not have a carte blanche with children.

From what OP says, I think the daughter is back on track. And I dont equate a 21 year old having money issues with drugs, stealing or even habitually bad language. I still think the OPs DH may still feel guilty over situation with his son. But whatever the reason, talk and counseling are worth a try. IMHO.

Ima, I think you are so grateful for what your DH has given you, and are still in the "honeymoon" phase (nothing wrong with either of those feelings per se), that you focus too much on that relationship and not on, in this case, the child. I agree with TOS, that in this day and age, a 21year old will frequently end up back home. There is a difference between not allowing child to upset household (constant messes, language, etc etc) and being almost mean with the child.

And I would love to have my DD with me at 21. And I will likely be providing a room for my mother. I love my family.

Ima,I dont care if you disagree with me,that is your right.

However,the Op said her husband "picks on her daughter" and is very controling.
I know what it feels like to have a control freak stepdad and my mom NEVER took my side.Because of that,it really damaged our relationship....and guess what? Her husband left her four months ago!
My husband and I had to move in with my mom and stepdad for about two months until our apartment was ready a few years back.We paid HALF OF EVERYTHING while we were there~
rent,cable,phone,food...
And my controling stepdad treated us like we were nothing more then a bunch of moochers.He wouldnt even let me turn up the heat (when their place they did not pay for heating and AC) because my baby's feet were freezing in her crib because he was a mountain man and had to have the place FREEEZING.

I agree we dont know all of the circumstances to which this stepdad is acting like this.But judging by Op's opinion,it is ALREADY making her dislike her husband.
So she SHOULD stand up to him.If she doesnt,then the resentment may build and then maybe she just wont want to be with him at all.

everyone is entitled to their opinion.

I never said either one of them has "carte blanche". What I said is:

"The parents should be discussing those issues and reasons first. Not taking a side and fighting that it's up to her to handle it alone from now on. It's his home too and if it affects him, he should have a say."

and it doesn't matter what number marriage they are on, the adults (parents) should TALK about it first, and not have one saying "it's my kid, I'll decide and you can just deal with my decision" That isn't respecting the spouse. I'm not favoring a step dad that demands she can't go out, I'm saying they need to talk about it.

When my children were little, yes I would have had a problem with ANYONE picking on them. I would not have been with or stayed with anyone that was verbally or physically abusive to me or them. But a grown child needs to leave the nest eventually and has to have the skills to make it in the world. Mommy isn't going to be around forever to fall back on. and step dad shouldn't have to tolerate grown kids moving back home over and over. It doesn't really matter how good the kids are. My husband is a wonderful son to his parents. He moved back home for a year when he was in his 30's because he made a bad financial decision and they wanted him to get some of his debt paid off. They loved having him there and yet, when he moved out, they were also happy to have their home back too.

it doesn't surprise me you'd want you DD to live with you (forever), I'm sure she keeps you from being lonely.

No it's not abuse, I never thought it was. I was asking a question. Some people think that their marriage comes first and their children second, and I was wondering if they thought it would be alright for their husband to abuse their child because he was the husband and the number one. I wouldn't think so, but some people have priorities sideways so you never know.

I also think it is normal these days for your 21 year old to end up back at home. It's a tougher world out there than it was 30 years ago, or even 10 years ago. I had to move in with my parents and in 10 years when my son is 21 he might too. You never know. No I won't allow him to cause havoc in my home, even now I don't allow that, but at 21 I really have no say in his life. I'm just saying that at some point you have to cut the apron strings and let them make their own mistakes. You can't ground a 21 year old to their room for bad behavior.

At this point I feel I've made my point. I think it's asinine that he'd even think he could still control a 21 year old like a puppet.

I also think that DAM has a right to be angry with DH that he's picking on SD and trying to run her life for her. I'd be pretty pissed off too.

And I think that DH does not come first in a woman's life. She didn't spend hours in labor with him or walk the floor with him when he was teething or sick. Sorry.
My DH understands that my son has been number one in my life since day 1 and he respects that. Just as I respect that his daughter comes before me. We're stronger for it as a pair. Above all we want what is best for our two children.

I'd love to have my son with me at 21 also. If he needed me, I'd be there, no conditions. That's love for your family.

Ima, I am not lonely now -- and trust me you dont get much company from a teenager, and I wont be lonely when I am 5 years older. I will probably have the same job, same friends etc. It doesnt mean I wouldnt want to help me DD get a good start in life.

Years and years ago, I saw advice on dating for men, and it said dont date a women with children, because if she is a good woman, the children will always come first. And if she isnt, you dont want her either. I didnt understand that then, but I do now.

let's look at the facts that she's given: He's been in her life since she was 2, so 19 years. During that time, she sent HIS son away and that's why I asked her how the son turned out. Maybe sending him away to a mom that didn't do a good job of raising him has made him feel resentful. The fact that she now wants her daughter to be allowed to move in and do what she wants, regardless of his feelings (even if he's motivated by resentment for sending his son away. I can understand how he would feel, although he allowed it.) and she is saying she's thinking about leaving him, I doubt that she feels that way JUST over this one issue. IMO, she sounds a little controlling to say "your son's gotta go" and he complies. Now she says "my daughter gets to be here and it doesn't matter how you feel about it." and he stands up to her and she wants to leave him. If he is so controlling, then she's been with him almost 20 years and I don't think people become that controlling overnight. I'm not saying he isn't controlling, but there really aren't enough facts here to say that she should take her daughter's side and tell him he's got no say. You've only got her side, not his.

My opinion is that they should discuss it. and if he's too controlling to discuss it, then THAT may be a reason for leaving. Only she knows the whole story.

Ima,you're preaching to the choir hon. I'm all for adult children being out on their own. I do think 21 is still fairly young though to be expected to have it all together and be able to survive.
In another thread I was not for thurman's 27 year old SD moving back in.I know people in their thirties still falling back on mom and dad and it's sad.

In this situation it sounds as if it would be healthier if the mom handled her daughter's comings and goings,because the stepdad obviously has a problem with her being there.
Doesnt mean she couldnt discuss it with him first,but she should have final say over HER child.

children's NEEDS should come first. not necessarily their wants. and some children of divorce that can't have their parents back together, want the parent's all to themselves. and will do anything to keep it that way.

Children need: Love, safety, stability, comfort and nurturing.

I've seen children that manipulate the parents to get what ever they want by making them feel guilty. In the end, a lot of those kids still aren't "happy".

Once again though,doesnt sound like this is the case here.

Sounds like a normal 21 year old who probably has friends and wants to have a social life of her own.Maybe because Stepdad's own son is a trouble maker is why he is being so hard on step daughter.

I found this on the internet:

(http://www.rbc.org/bible_study/answers_to_tough_questions/answers/30784.aspx)

Who should come first in our stepfamily, my spouse or my children?

The relationship between parent and child is important, but it's not as fundamental as the relationship between a husband and a wife (Genesis 2:24). Too often, though, parents feel a pull to put the children first in the family, and in the process, they neglect their spouse.

It's natural for parents to feel protective of their children. But parents who have gone through a life-shattering divorce feel especially protective. They don't want their children to hurt anymore, or to fear losing them again. For that reason, putting a new spouse first can feel like they are betraying their children.

Children need to know you love them and that you will always be there for them. Just as important, they need the security of a stable home. A healthy marriage gives children that security, because when a husband and a wife are looking out for each other's interests, they will also look out for the best interests of the children.

Putting your spouse first never means that you neglect or abuse your children. And it certainly doesn't mean that you allow a new spouse to neglect or abuse the children. Even something like showing favoritism, which is natural to do, should be talked about and addressed in a blended family. Ignoring unfair treatment is wrong (Romans 12:9). Parents are always responsible to provide loving, secure, healthy, and safe homes for their children to grow (Proverbs 14:26).

It's important for husbands and wives to consider one another's feelings and opinions. They need to stick together and head in the same direction as a couple and as parents. They should pursue each other and show deep care and respect for one another. A caring and loving spouse knows that what affects them, affects their spouse and the children. Happy marriages are loving, respectful, and considerate (Ephesians 5:21-33).

A good marriage not only gives children the security of a stable home, but it also gives them a positive example of what God intended a marriage to be. They will learn about love, confession, forgiveness, accountability, responsibility, and honesty. Parents who love one another deeply help their children develop realistic expectations about what it takes to build a strong marriage. Children need that kind of example to give them hope for their own futures.

"Ignoring unfair treatment is wrong (Romans 12:9). Parents are always responsible to provide loving, secure, healthy, and safe homes for their children to grow (Proverbs 14:26). "

Key words here,as Op feels that Dh is being unfair to her daughter.
It isnt about choosing her over him.It's about getting him to see that his behavior toward her is making his wife and step daughter BOTH unhappy.

plastic, what I interpret you to have said is that she should stand up to him and tell him, I'll handle her from now on and my problem with that is before taking that stance, she needs to sit down with her spouse and TALK to HIM. Find out why he feels that way. Maybe they can work it out between them without her taking her daughter's side and throwing his opinion out the window. She can certainly advocate why she feels the daughter should be able to do something, but the way you put it, it sounded like you were telling her to lay down the law to him and in a marriage, if my husband told me he didn't care about my side of something that affects me(concerning his daughter) and that he would handle it, it would be damaging to our marital relationship.

yes,talking to him about her daughter's comings and goings is one thing and probably the right way to handle it.

Him "picking on her" deserves more then talking in my opinion.It is something that yes,I WOULD LAY DOWN THE LAW about.
No one said she would tell him she doesnt care about his side.But he needs to know what he is doing is wrong,and since he has such a problem,then he shouldnt be telling SD what to do.

And excuse me for raising the paradox in this situation. Here is a man who raised this girl since was 18 months old. He is a father in every sense of the word, and should have every right to provide guidance in the household in combination with his wife.

Some of you are referring to him as though he is johnny come lately stranger who has no right to say anything. What a crock. And somehow you missed the very important fact that this stepmother KICKED her stepson out of the house because he became disrespectful and she didn't want him there anymore. Usually you ladies fry a stepmother's butt for doing such a thing. What gives?

Ima is completely correct is stating that the marriage must come first when determining household rules for ALL children. It is completely disrespectful that this man who was there for this child her entire life and is in every sense of the word her father has no rights as a parent.

Colleen,

Even bio parents can unfairly favor one child. If one parent sees it happening, he or she should do something.

Yes, the SS was kiicked out, but OP said both parents agreed to it. And I suspect that started or exaberated the issues.

I suggested talking, then counseling. Getting an outside persons objective help.

I suspect that those who blindly put marriage first, will, ultimately both have no marriage and alienate children. When a spouse is unreasonable -- this is a recipe for disaster.

Plastic gardens mother is lucky the baby dident get serioulsy sick. If had been the mom, darn toodnt I woudl have told "DH" we're turning up the heat.

You are totally and purposely missing the point about the marriage first and you know it. But keep it up, you aren't ever going to open up your mind.

That could also very likely be the reason you are divorced because you didn't value your marriage.

I think the reason I am not married is more I will never come close to looking like I did years ago. And my X would have never acted as OPs DH does. But even if you are correct, as to why my X left me, in the end we all make choices. Regardless of what you think, I am not miserable with mine. Come back when you are my age, and let me know how you feel about yours. You can give up education, jobs, caring about friends and family for a husband. And in the end, it may be no guarantee he will stil be with you. I find it sad that people here are proponents of the "marriage first" when their own relationship history has been much stormier than mine, and their DHs much less reliable than my X.

Primarily because one of the first things you need to get past is his own mommy bringing him up to believe that he is the centre of the universe. So he has to learn that in marriage he is one person in a two person equal partnership, not the centre of the universe.

In a marriage you compromise so that both partner's needs are met to the ability and resources of the marriage to meet and sustain them.

It is by growing up in and being part of this give and take and compromise and genuine sharing between a husband/wife team that children LEARN many of life's most important lessons.

In divorce all children learn is that if mommy and daddy don't like each other they can just get rid of either one. They aren't important anyway, only WE the children are important.

In divorce all children learn is that if mommy and daddy don't like each other they can just get rid of either one

Agreed.

kkny, you can keep telling yourself that he left because of your looks or age, but that's bull. After 25 years, that doesn't fly. He may have found someone younger or better looking and loves that attention, but your own statement:

"You can give up education, jobs, caring about friends and family for a husband. And in the end, it may be no guarantee he will stil be with you"

speaks VOLUMES as to your marriage. If a husband expects you to give up education, jobs, and caring about family & friends then you stayed with a guy that didn't respect you as a person. If he didn't expect you to and if you gave up those things for your husband, that was your choice.

Are you saying your husband was so shallow that he didn't care about you as a person? All he cared about was your looks? I think you are in denial about the truth, and only you know the truth.

I didnt give up those things. My point was dont. Call me back when youve been married 25yrs btw

putting a marriage first doesn't mean giving up anything. It means respecting your partner and discussing things that affect one another.

Do you think that your being married 25 years makes you more knowledgeable on what makes a successful marriage? You seem to be stuck on that. First, you may not realize it, but YOUR marriage was NOT successful. I may have only been married a short time, compared to your 25 years, but I think I put a lot more thought into the choosing of my partner than you did. Before I even began dating, I took courses on marriage/family, sociology, and psychology. I dated with a list of criteria of things I could not tolerate. I was NOT desperate to get married, or had to because my clock is ticking, or any other reason other than I wanted to find the right person to have a family life with. I will never have children with my husband. But blending our children and loving one another as a family, makes us a family.

If you think that after 25 years of marriage, that your husband left you only because you weren't youthful anymore, you are in DENIAL. It may have been a final deciding factor when he found someone younger/prettier/etc. that made him feel good about himself but if you had a strong marriage, I doubt a man leaves his family after that long for such a shallow reason. and I agree with Colleen, perhaps you didn't put your marriage first and that's one of the reasons he left.

and I'd be happy to talk to you when I've been married 25 years. Will you still be here bashing step moms and full of hate?

I am not full of hate -- I just dont see a need to take family advice from people whose qualifications are at best dubious. And I shutter that they have numerous children under their sphere of influece. But, like I have always said, this board is informative.

why are you avoiding the real questions?

"Are you saying your husband was so shallow that he didn't care about you as a person? All he cared about was your looks?"

"Do you think that your being married 25 years makes you more knowledgeable on what makes a successful marriage?"

You are ready to pounce on everyone else's credibility and motives, but you can't answer the questions....

and what are dubious qualifications? I'm sure not every marriage counselor, therapist, instructor on subjects relating to marriage, etc. have been married for 25 years to be qualified. If life experience is all that is valuable, then why send your DD to college?

I had my children in the wrong circumstances, I learned from it. I was in a relationship that was wrong for me, I learned from it. I worked in a profession that I was able to learn from other people's mistakes and problems in life. I went to the classroom to study things I haven't lived yet, so I could learn to do it right. I've spent the last 20 years learning from life and I may make mistakes, but I learn from them. I don't pretend that the things that I go through or that happen to me are for reasons beyond my control (as you would have everyone believe that you can't make yourself younger so that is why he left.) I take responsibility and admit my mistakes and learn from it.

I am saying that when a man is very succesfful fiancially, some attractive women throw themselves at him.

I dont take your bait, that I was responsible for him leaving.

I do think you were responsbile for having 3 children out of wedlock (as were there fathers). I think there is a quantam leap between your responsiblity and mine.

If SMs take advice only from other SMs, I think they are not going to see the other side, and there relationships will suffer.

imamommy,

"I was in a relationship that was wrong for me"

No, you were in FOUR relationships that ended, the first three of them one right after another. You then stayed with a guy for what - 5, 6, years believing that he would someday marry you. Are you think it appropriate to criticize marriages of 20 or 25 years??

People who have affairs do so for reasons that have to do with THEMSELVES, not reasons that have to do with the state of their marriage or with their spouse. In long term marriages these reasons are often related to midlife onset depression, e.g. "midlife crisis." As Frank Pittman has said, affairs are not about "my spouse doesn't understand me," but about how the spouse understands them too well - and the person having the affair is ashamed of what they know (or assume) the spouse understands. The affair is about how the person having the affair feels about HIMSELF - he is looking for affirmation from someone who doesn't know the real him - he fears that he is a failure, or that he is becoming old and decrepit, that his life is all downhill from here on.

Ima isn't criticizing your marriage and the low blows are more than unbecoming of two wise caring females.

And are you saying that you had no responsibility whatsoever in the breakdown of your marriage? Maybe you were just a little too focused on the children because that was your main interest in life and they satisfied all your emotional needs. Maybe you couldn't get your hormones working and weren't interested in sex anymore. Maybe you stopped being interested in your partner's well being and actually just viewed him as an insecure, decrepit, unattractive old man. Maybe you just didn't value the marriage.

"That could also very likely be the reason you are divorced because you didn't value your marriage."

If you want to go that way colleen,then how do you explain the fact that since we are talking about what I posted here,that I'am still married after 10 years and have been with Dh for 12?
These threads are getting rdiculous here.They go off on tangents that arent exactly helpful to the people that are posting the problems.
I posted what I did because Op DOES NOT LIKE HOW HER HUSBAND IS TREATING HER DAUGHTER. It doesnt make a difference if he gave birth to her himself..and I stand behind what I said.

When men are successful financially? what about attractive men? Those aren't the only men that get attractive women thrown at them. My ex was a deputy and he wasn't all that attractive or wealthy, and he still had women come on to him, some were younger & attractive. He didn't stray, so yes, it is about the guy's integrity or how he feels about himself, but you are the one that said:

"I think the reason I am not married is more I will never come close to looking like I did years ago."

I did not say YOU were responsible for him leaving, I said you are only fooling yourself if you believe he only left because you can't turn back the clock on your looks. TOS is right, it is about how he felt about HIMSELF. But a happily married man wouldn't let that make him give up his family of 20-25 years. and I agree with TOS, that a depressed person may do things they normally wouldn't, but to excuse his actions is as ridiculous as saying Andrea Yates isn't responsible for what she did to her kids because she was suffering from post partum depression. Her kids are just as dead.

and I'm not making excuses for the circumstances of how my children were conceived. I wasn't married. I wasn't old enough to vote when I had my first and had my others for the wrong reasons. Could i say it was because my parent's divorced? because my mom abused alcohol and didn't give me guidance? because my dad was absent, working his a$$ off to pay child support for four kids after his bankruptcy? Those are all true statements, but NO, it was MY fault. I made poor choices when i was 17-21. I accept responsibility. I wouldn't consider any of their father's a "relationship" so it wouldn't be a failed one or otherwise. I've had one "relationship" before my husband, and that one lasted 7 years. Like I said, if life experience is the only thing that counts, why send your children to college? Get them a job in the mail room so they can work their way to the top.

I'm not criticizing marriages of any length, I am saying that being married 20+ years, does not make you an expert any more than saying I don't know anything because I am married to my first husband for two years. Just as you consider your years in marriage as education, I also consider my life experiences as educating, including formal education on the subject.

When you know what it's like to be a step parent and deal with your husband's bitter ex wife, give me a call.

And when you've been married longer then a year,give us a call.I've had pairs of underwear longer then your marriage.

"If you want to go that way colleen,then how do you explain the fact that since we are talking about what I posted here,that I'am still married after 10 years and have been with Dh for 12?"

This thread was actually started by dam0162 and good conversations always take a winding road.

plastic, maybe you should go shopping then.

and giving birth doesn't make you a parent. He raised her for 19 years and if he was such a mean guy (picking on her), why did she stay? He's been around (in the marriage & this girls life) long enough that he should have a say in what goes on in their house. He isn't an outsider and just because your mom stayed with someone that didn't treat you right, doesn't mean her husband is the same way.

OP says "it seems like he picks on her all the time and only lets her stay out one night a week."

It may be her perception that he's being nit picky or maybe he expects more from her because of her circumstances now.

And ima,maybe you shouldnt be so desperate and pathetic.
Anyone can see your so afraid of your husband leaving you because you cant take it on your own.And since your clearly overweight and with 3 kids,not many other men would want you,so maybe your fears are valid.

On the other hand REAL women who love their children wouldnt stand for any man being mean to them.

You havent been on this forum a month,and you have only been maried a year and you think you know everything.
Why dont you get a clue? I'm so done wasting my time responding to your obvious ignorance.
From now on,just dont respond to me,and I wont respond to you.

wouldn't stand for ANY person being mean to any children. Male or female. Where in the world did you ever get the idea that that is being said by anyone?

I don't understand your hostile remarks at all garden. In my view they are over the top and very mean spirited.

I dont care what your opinion of me is colleen.Obviously no one is here to make friends,since all anyone ever does is argue over petty things.
Mean spirited? Only because the truth hurts,doesnt it?

Ima is a very attractive slim female and would in no way fit my description of a desperate person;)

YOUR description,not mine.Every post she writes is desperate in the aspect that her children may come in the way of her and her man and he comes first.

Funny how you guys can dish it out,but when it's given back to you it's condsidered mean spirited.

That is what you "hear" she has said through the filters of your own experience, but does that mean that is what she has really said? I hear Ima saying something completely different from what you hear her say.

I hear her saying that her children ARE VERY important to her. And because of their importance to her, she is tending to her marriage to ensure their safety, well being and the most loving family environment possible.

Some of you, and I don't know that you feel this way garden, feel that the marriage is irrelevant, secondary, a business contract at best even if it is the first marriage. Those marriages have ended in divorce. Is that in reality putting children first?

And yes your comments are mean spirited, and also untrue. We are engaged in discussion garden, not argument.

You seem to want to express your views and have them accepted as 100% true without discussion.

It is the height of your arrogance to PRESUME we love our children, our stepchildren any less than you love yours.

"You seem to want to express your views and have them accepted as 100% true without discussion. "

Oh really? so I guess I didnt say this then:
"Ima,I dont care if you disagree with me,that is your right."
Seems like you need a class in reading comprehension.

"It is the height of your arrogance to PRESUME we love our children, our stepchildren any less than you love yours"

All of your statements point to otherwise,so if you dont want people thinking that,learn how to clearly communicate.
All I see is you two ALWAYS defending the marriage and never the children.

"and I don't know that you feel this way garden, feel that the marriage is irrelevant, secondary, a business contract at best even if it is the first marriage."

Obviously I dont feel this way if I've been married for ten years! However,I'am a strong woman,and if my child or I were treated badly,then I would leave,or at the very least stand up for myself and my child.

anyone that cares to see what I look like or how I feel about my children or family (and marriage) can certainly see my pictures and read my blogs on myspace. I've put a link to it as my homepage and I have nothing to hide. I'm up front, honest and yes, i am opinionated at times. I don't pretend to be anything because I'm proud of who I have become and I am happy in my life.

I apologize ima.Please see my post "see ya" for an explaination.

I see that some of you are judging me about my stepson. I worked part time and his father worked full time. I would get a phone call every day from the Principal at the High School because of his behavior. He was suspended from school, would threaten both my daughters and his half brother. His father at the time I gave him the option of who was leaving said he didn't want to deal with him.His mother told him he didn't have to listen to me because I was nobody. I tried to get along with him for over 8 years. So please don't judge me about him. He still gets in trouble and is not talking with his father because of something that was said. He was drunk and stood outside of our house at 2:30 am telling his father he wanted to fight him and kept calling him a ni***r!
This has gone on as long as I can remember. His father is controlling and when I do try to talk to him about this, it's his way or the highway. Our son (that we have together-16 yrs old) stays in his room at night to just to stay away from him. He drinks about 8 beers a night and starts up with me about her not being home, her bills etc. She works 30 hours a week and cannot go back to school until she pays off her debt with Sallymae. She doesn't get in trouble and sticks to her one night out.
He brings this up in the morning,afternoon and night and I am so tired of dealing with him. Why can't he just say it once and let it go! This is what I am dealing with. I know you only get one side of this. Just thought I would get other peoples opinions. By the way, my daughter went to counseling in high school and I went a few times with her. Even the therapist said he sounds like an a**. Anyway that's about all I have to say.
Thanks for responding.

dealing with an alcoholic is different. He's probably suffering from depression as well, mixed with alcohol.. that's a whole different scenario.

I still think it's possible that he is upset over the way his son turned out. or his life for that matter. He's self medicating. Perhaps he resents that she had to move back in? If he has been a problem since she was in high school and you have stayed with him, even though he hasn't gotten help, then the bigger problem is that you've stayed with a guy that didn't want to parent his own child when he was having problems and he's abusing a substance (and in effect, abusing the whole family with his behavior). But in your original post, you didn't mention that he has a problem with alcohol. That makes a difference.