You know and I know and even Daddy knows (in his head at least) that playing favorites is harmful to both kids. Sound like he either doesn't know or doesn't admit that he does it... But the kids do -- they always do.

I don't know how your discussion went - other than badly. Were you able to discuss the issue of favoritism in general? Or that DD#1 is similar to Daddy and DD#2 is more like Mommy in temperament? I'm asking because if the whole discussion revolved around Dad's "bad decision" and "unfair treatment" (even if you were diplomatic and tap-danced like anything!), then it's easy to see how he reacted defensively and nothing positive was accomplished.

Now I'm going to get out my asbestos suit --
Personally, I don't think it's so bad for a StepParent to hand out the discipline. I do think it's better for the BioParent to announce what the rules are and what the consequences will be for breaking those rules. But then the StepParent should be fully empowered to enforce those rules and mete out the agreed-upon consequences. Just the way police officers enforce laws enacted by the government, a StepParent should be able to enforce rules determined by the 'Parental Government.'

So my real question is -- If you had a system that was working, why mess with it?

I have to admit that my DH seemed to favor the youngest. He always says that the older ones get more priviliges, but more is expected of them. The kids and I seemed to see it as "daddy's little boy" gets away with EVERYTHING. My Dh says it is an age thing...the youngest is now 5 so he can't be expected to listen as well as say -the 12 year old. I say that at 5 there are rules he should follow as well, such as not throwing temper tantrums and refusing to put on his shoes or walk through a store. My DH continues to "baby" him and he gets the bad behavior. I discipline him and I get the "big boy" good behavior.

It is funny because the kids used to say that "daddy treats him better". Now they laugh and say that my ss just whines and cries with daddy all the time. I think my DH is getting the point that babying him all these years may be backfiring!!! I have also had many discussions with him about this and he is really working on it.

Is the "daddy's little girl" in your situation behaving badly as a result of her dads favoritism?

I'll admit I was probably one of the ones who says the bio parent should disapline the kids. However,I only suggested that in cases where the step kids and the step moms started resenting each other over it.
If you were being fair and the girls didnt mind,I dont think you had anything to worry about.

Favortisim is terrible,but so common unfortuantely. I see it all around me in every family.It does cause resentment in the long run sometimes too~between siblings and parents.
I'm not really sure what you can do about it though.
If you start to carry on about his oldest,he will more than likely see that as "attacking" her and get defensive.

Maybe you should just tell him it should go back to how it was before,since you are more capable of being equal?

If it worked before with you disciplining them, I think that's what you should do, with your DH's firm backing. Bio-only discipline isn't always best. Hope you and DH can come to an understanding and kiss and make up.

"If you had a system that was working, why mess with it?"

Because I'm stupid!! LOL!!!

"Is the "daddy's little girl" in your situation behaving badly as a result of her dads favoritism?"

No, not badly. I don't know if its a result of the favoritism but she tends to be more aggressive and vocal, much more so than her sister who tends to be introverted and somewhat withdrawn. Of course I could be reading more into it and that's how they are because of genetics, etc. I don't feel that they are necessarily bad qualities to have, I actually make jokes about it - she is a pitbull and her sister is a kitten!!! I think that they are starting to appreciate the different qualities that each offers.

My husband and I were able to calmly talk last night!! I don't think he does it intentionally, I think it's automatic after so many years of doing it. He asked for my help in trying to correct the problem which made me feel horrible because I was having some pretty bad thoughts about him!!!

Good news though!! I slept in bed last night!! LOL! Thanks for the help! It's much appreciated!!

lonepiper - glad to hear you got a good nights sleep, but even happier to hear DH was able to discuss this with you and ask for help. Keep us posted on how it goes.

somehow it seems so common! My BF plays favorites with his grown daughters, the younger one is "just like her mom-lazy, depressed, messy, disorganized" which means she is not completely perfect, but the oldest one is "just like him-organized, neat, not lazy" and is a "perfect" one. Overall the whole dynamic is unhealthy. Luckily we don't live together plus girls are grown, but it sure is just wrong.
Maybe there is a book on raising children that talks about favoritism and you should give this book to your husband?

My X said he didnt want more than one child becuase he hated how when he was growing up, his family played favorites. I am surprised he can he even speak to his brother now. His mother playing favorites hurt both boys (younger one thought he was perfect, had tough time when he got into the real world).

This may be cold consolation, but usually the "favorite" in a broken home has a very difficult time in the real world/

New,

Neither boy deserved to be hurt -- yet, yes they both were. That is the legacy of parents who overtly favor one child. Yes, a parent can see different things in each child, but part of being the adult, is that no matter what, you treat them fairly, which doesnt mean equally, but means fairly, and no one walks around with the crown above their head.