Hello, Try not to feel sad because you are not alone. You have a right to how you feel. How old are your SKs? Many of the things you said are true and SKs can be so ungreatful, as most children can. But because they are not your blood it is even more difficult to overlook the things children often do. They take parents for granted. When they are not your own the bio-love you do not have for them cannot over look their selfish and self-centered attitudes. You more than likely care about them, however, that thing that only bio-love can give, is not there. Love is blind is so true. It is too bad they did not come to your wedding, so sorry. If they are young please try and overlook it, however, if they are older and know better, it can be hard. I know that I was hurt and always will be because my SD (23 y.o. at the time) could not even acknowledge our first year wedding anniversay and she was aware of it (SD had even stood up for me in the wedding). She had a big outburst in front of DH and myself and ran out of our house the night before our 1st wedding anniversay. The reason was she is uncomfortable around me. I had done nothing and I truely mean nothing. It did hurt and always will. It told me she does not except me and would prefer me out of the picture. Since then she has attempted to be nice, but the friction is always there. However, just last month she had another one of the outbursts. It is hard to be around her. DH always has some excuse for her, i.e. PMS, to much alchohol, etc. I do continue to be nice and respectful to her, however, I know that if I were ill needing help she would not be there for me. But she wants us there for her to give and give. Hang in there and you are not alone. I am one of those stepparents too. Just keep you head held high and treat them like you wish you could be treated. Remember, they our the children of the man you love. Maybe someday they will come around, we can only pray. Keep in touch if you would like, it helps to talk with someone that has been there. Good luck. louisedawn

Thanks Louisedawn, you're so nice. It sounds like you've lived it and know what I'm talking about. I have a good backbone and am not investing in people who are raised to be selfish. As you put it, they would not be there for me if I ever needed anything. Far from it. I guess it's better to know this from the beginning but it's disappointing. I am grateful however to have my eyes opened to see them for what they are. I have to add my own kid is a stinker to my dh. However, she gets quick and severe consequences for any episodes, whereas dh thinks his little precious ones are just too adorable to learn manners. He makes excuses for them.

I'm been around kids all my life, am from a big family, have my own, have worked with kids for 12 years, and I truly like most kids, but not these.

They eat like wild dogs. Fettucine alfredo with your bare hands, and be sure and talk as loud and fast as you can with your mouth full. Don't wait for anyone else to be seated and served, dig in, demand more of whatever you want, then jump up and run free as soon as you're done gorging. And it can only be junk food, no fruit or veggies. White and deep fried only. Never, ever flush a toilet. Whine and get some tears going if you don't get your way. Do the opposite of what your dad just asked you to do, as soon as he's out of sight and earshot. Argue about any activity that doesn't have you as the focus. And even if you're the only 2 kids in a room full of adults for a gathering, spend as much time as possible telling loud boring stories about yourself while people pretend to be enchanted. Because it's all about you. This is how they are.

Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like feeling so critical but have to get it off my chest somewhere. I started out doing all kinds of nice things with and for them, but my heart's not there anymore. It's too bad for all of us. Dh could do a lot to raise them better but understandably doesn't want to rock the boat when he does have them.

Thanks for listening to my vent. I'm really not this horrible usually! : )

Oh sweetheart- you are so not alone....

I have been around since my SS was 3. He is ADHD & ODD. There is a sweet kid in there somewhere- if he could just get out of his own way. I have been married to his dad for 2.5 yrs. Generally SS doesnt want to do anything, with/for anyone. He is such a drag to be around. No fun at all. He is now 14 and already in a world of trouble. The school just filed a PINS petition on him and we will have to go to family court soon. Fighting the school district is just exhausting. Does he appreciate any of what we do for him? I doubt it. He is too concerned that we are not keeping up with the Jones. I am waiting for him to realize that without an education, he will forever be working for the Jones. I may not have a loving relationship with SS (tried that and got hurt)- but at least home is neutral territory (as long as I dont ask him to do anything)

Smiley Gardner- you should speak to your DH. Communication is the key to getting though this. Bad manners are never acceptable. As an adult in the house, you have authority over the kids-correct them. If you cant have a loving home (with the kids), at least an orderly, cooperative and harmonius home will have to do. A negative environment can eat away at you.

PS Keep gardening, it is great therapy. Hang in there.

Louisdawn, smileygardener, better2boutside.....Are your parents married, or divorced and re-married? If re-married, what are your step-parent(s) like?

Hello bnicebkind, My parents have been married for years and made sure I was respectful to adults, worked for a living, and that I would never make a seen (outburst). If I would have acted spoiled at 23 yrs old they would have given me a very good talking to and dis-owned me until I came to my senses. I grew up on a dairy farm and did chores everyday no matter what. I was on my own, paying my bills and paying for my schooling by 19 y.o. Mom and Dad always were respectful to me, there for me to talk with, and treated me nice, but, also they did not just give me things or let me get by with freeloading and taking adults for granted. I had to work for a living and make my way. I feel it made me a good, hard working, honest, self-suffient, caring, respectful, patient and understanding person. However, with children now a days they do not always have to be accountable. Because of divorce and the parent's guilt, children are just given things. This often makes them spoiled, disrepectful, dependent, ungreatful, self-centered children who are difficult to like by the many who have to deal with them (not just stepparents). I have tolerated and been very respectful, giving, and good to my SK, with nothing in return. I understand they have gone through tough times with their parents getting divorced, however, they are ADULTS now and it has been several years since the divorce. Also, I had nothing to do with their parent's divorce, I came into the picture after their parent's were divorced. Either get over it, grow up, or go for counceling. They need to learn that disrepect, taking people for granted, being self-centered, spoiled, expecting other to pay and give to them all the time is not the real world. There is nothing wrong with them working part-time to pay some of their way. However, neither of my SK work (19 y.o and 23 y.o.) Bnicebkind do you think it is good for adult SK to be spoiled, disrepectful, not work, and expect others to just give to them and take their inconsiderate behavior? louisedawn

Louisedawn, thanks for the response. I am quickly getting tired of having to justify not lovingly falling over my SS. Many people who end up dealing with stepkids are good people, brought up in good & respectful homes. Unfortunatly, at least in my area, the youth today operate on a totally different peridime (spelling?) They have a sense of entitlement and walk around with a chip on their shoulder. I have spoken to many parents whose kids are all exactly the same. Generally unmotivated, lazy, defiant, distant, lacking manners, feel that they are entitled to have the world placed at their feet without working for anything. Sure there are good kids around that dont act like this, I live next door to one. It will be an interesting thing to see what happens with this generation as they get older.

I will continue to be there for my SS, but not on his terms. I will continue to believe in the good nature of people and lead a life that expemplifies my values and morals. Hopefully it will start to rub off on others.

louisdawn... in answer to your question...Do I think it is good for adult SK to be spoiled, disrespectful and not work, and expect others to just give to them...my answer is absolutely not. And I hear better2boutside say that in her area this seems to be an epidemic in the youth today, and the question is why? What are we doing as a generation raising these kids, that helps create this problem. I do not think the problem is isolated to stepkids...my brother and his wife (who have been married 23 years), are living the nightmare with their almost 21 year old daughter. She dropped out of college after one semester, refuses to get a job, (the few that she has gotten, she gets fired for showing up 45-60 minutes late on a regular basis. She is very bright, beautiful, but will not go to any school other than something she thinks is cool in NY or California (both out of state tuitions and both $40K a year tuition, not to mention living expenses)...brother refuses, so she refuses to go anywhere. Lives at home, and shops. Pours over Vogue, Bizarre, etc. copying the clothing styles... That is her day. So much family energy/conversation goes into this one child...and how to turn this around, and somehow change her into a productive adult. Nothing they have tried has worked.
I am raising my own kids, and I am pondering how to raise children who grown up to be kind, strong, independant human beings, who care about others, and are respectful, and can carry their own weight in life.
What has our generation done (or what has society done) to contribute to this latest problem...if it is as widespread as people think? there have been TV specials addressing this called Affluenza...and the entitlement of this generation...so it must be a national problem, and I do not believe that it is just limited to stepkids.
Perhaps as louisdawn suggest, they are given too much due to parental guilt from divorce, or perhaps parents give them alot to make up for not being around due to their careers really being their priority. So maybe it is guilt. But also look at the explosion of malls and shopping and "designer" goods that were not really an option back in the 60's,70's etc. Designer goods became a national passion in the 80's and so many of us bought into it. And the bar has been raised even further by this generation in many ways. And advertising and programs aimed at teens help cultivate that image driven society of affluence. and then the school came in...telling parents how important "self-esteem" is for kids, and do what ever it takes to tell them they are wonderful and special...even if in fact, they are not doing much.
and last, society removes accountability and disapline from the schools and homes, and I am not sure we know yet the full effects of all of this. The kids are under alot of stress to "perform" academically that our generation was not. So does that train them to work hard for the grades, or simply burn them out, so as grownups, they barely want to do anything? As they earned all of the academic awards, did it further reinforce the message that they are "special" and special has no intention of starting at the bottom? they are used to being the winners in life, and they expect it to be recognized and to continue to be at the top, or they don't bother?

What would you do differently to raise your own kids, making them grow up to be different than what you are seeing?

bnicebkind, Thanks for your input. I do agree it is not just with SKs, but with many children of this current generation. I do see it with me sister's children. It is difficult to tolerate it with adult SKids because you do not have alot of say on what goes on with them. Even more so when you come into the picture when they are older or adults. However, they continue to affect you life because of the child like (not adult like) demands they place on DH. I do agree it is not just their fault they turned out like they did DH (and bio-mom) also contributed to there attitudes. It is just difficult to be expected to contribute to adult SKs, but you do not have much say over how things are handled. I feel the SKs should work for the money they are just handed and DH does agree, but does not follow through with the rules he/we set down. DH gave SS 2800.00 for college after SS blew 1000.00 on snowboard, Ipods, movies, etc. DH had agreed to give SS 2000.00 each year for college, but not the additional 800.00. I suggested SS get a part time job and pay monthly paymnents to DH to pay back the 800.00. DH has not followed through after a month and a half. When I asked DH about it he kinda blew me off and said SS had not gotten a job yet. Well I know he has not gotten a job yet, he does't want a job yet. This is just one of the many examples of how the both SKs work/manipulate DH. Ok enough of that. I do realize it is just as much DH fault as SKs fault and bio-mom contirbutes too. Bio-mom refuses to pay for anything, knowing full well DH will not let his kids go with out. Bio mom has it down and can read DH well. When I try to talk with him he says he knows, but always falls back on his plan to help his children grow up and be adults. Any advise how I can help DH to help his kids grow up and be responsible?
betterboutside, It is so nice to hear someone who understands me. Thanks, louisedawn

While I really do feel for anyone having to deal with disrespectful, lazy children/SK, I also hope you realize it certainly is not the childrens/young adults fault.
Someone let they grow up entitled and disrespectful.
That person/persons are the only one that can help these children/young adults face reality and become independent. They must set the rules and stick to them or they will never learn to take care of themselves.

My stepdaughters were generally nice. however, ever since my marriage with their dad, things are horrible. they are accusing me of being bossy (i'm quite the opposite) etc.
the other day I organized a fmily outing to NYC for my husband's birthday - the oldest one (12,5yo)had never been. she was moody and overtired all day (she had an unexpected sleepover the night before - although I asked her dad to not let her go because she would be overtired), did not communicate at all, told me that she wanted her first time in NYC to be to go to a broadway show. afterwards she told me she doesn't like to do "adult things" (we took her to mars 2112, the american girl place, a bus tour of NYC, the ferris wheel at toys R us etc), and that none of her friends ever went to NYC so why should she... very frustrating. she's also very manipulative i've noticed but my husband just thinks i'm jealous. the latest now is that she is "uncomfortable" around me because i'm "moody". when i said she's moody too sometines she went crying to my husband telling him that i said she was always moody. Of course, my husband was angry with me again. I just don't know what to do anymore and truely wonder if divorce is our only option. we haven't even been married for 2 months. any advice??

I am a little confused. YOu say you are not bossy (and I agree I dont like that word), but hat you organized a family outing to NYC. So I think there is a slight difference of opinion. If you ahve only been married for 2 months, I think you might have been rushing this a little. But put it behind it you. I would just back up from organizing these outings. do the Skids live with you full time? Do you have enought time with dh without them?

I would not make perosnal comments like moody. If you see issues like this, share with DH. At first just share positive comments.

Just my opinion.

I am a teacher so I was very comfortable around children when I had my own and when I met my SK. In the beginning of our relationship, my DH wanted me to be the disciplinarian in our house because he does not like that role. I wasn't comfortable with that role with his kids, but he kept insisting we treat all of the kids the same. (I have 1 child and DH and I have one together). So, I took over keeping all of the kids in line. MAJOR MISTAKE. Even though, he had wanted me in that position, he began to resent me giving consequences to his kids, addressing their problems, etc. So I backed off. He doesn't discipline them at all, so it's really not much better, but at least I'm not the bad guy (well, as much anyway). I said all that to say, don't point out to your SK's anything you think they could improve (at least not this early in the game). If it is a major issue, address it with DH and let him talk to the child, but you need to just keep your interactions with the child as positive as possible at this point. Now, I definitely know that is difficult, and I have failed many times, but I think it really will help. And choose your battles. Only address the MAJOR things with your DH, or he will begin to resent you. I have learned that the hard way.

Thanks for the reactions. I should however have specified that i've lived with my husband for 3 years prior to marrying him 2 months ago. Anyway, I guess you're right in that it's probably not a good idea to organize these outings that they apparently don't seem to enjoy anyway. I certainly don't want to be a "disciplinarian", but unfortunately, you just are sometimes confronted with those moments that you have to be the "adult". my husband doesn't discipline them much either and is very defensive when it comes to his kids- unreasonably defensive when you ask me- hence he gets no respect from his kids who basically treat him as a cash machine. But i think you're right. it's not up to me to "rectify" this situation. It's just sometimes hard to see these things happen. especially because it frustrates my husband and then i again have to live with the consequences thereof. I am also concerned because my husband wants to have kids with me (i have none yet)and i don't understand how any child of ours would have to be raised... anymore thoughts?

My DH and I have 2 children together, and I have made it very clear they will not be allowed to do many of the things his older two kids will do. My son (my daughter doesn't talk yet) is not allowed to back talk, must say please, thank you, yes mam, etc. Actually, my DH and I pretty much agree on how to rear our two children. He just doesn't make his two live up to the same standards as ours. He know neither of our children can say they aren't coming over, or their not going to speak to us again, because we're married and they have no where to go.. lol. But, with his kids, they threaten not to come over, etc. if he does anything they don't like. Cest la vie. And he gives in to the emotional blackmail everytime. So, to answer your question, you and your DH will most likely be fine with your own kids, but you will have to constantly explain to your own kids why dad's other kids have a different set of rules and don't have to follow our house rules.

thanks for your feedback. well, at least you're in agreement with your DH on how to raise the kids the 2 of do have... It just seems a schizophrenic situation at times, but then again, the SK's are not in the same situation as the others. It just gets tricky when you're requested to get "involved" in their problems and activities.

ebo...it does get very strange. I tell my DH the same thing. You want me to act like a parent (cook meals, clean up after them, drive them to activities, buy them clothes, take them to doctor, hair cuts, help with homework, host sleepovers, etc.) but I am not allowed any final decision making powers in their lives. It is very hard to deal with, and I definitely am not good at it yet, but I am just having to accept it is part of the raw deal SM's get.

Exactly, but I try not to do these conveniently imposed parental duties anymore. A couple of weeks ago I was asked to take my teenage stepdaughter for a swim suit- certainly not my job. I have decided not to buy them stuff anymore, not take them places etc. And to not interfere when they nag their father. It might be hard at times to say no, especially when their stuff is all over the place, but I will tell my husband to say something. Let him deal with it. Plus if my stepdaughters need something from me, I have said to them that they need to say for instance please and thank you to me. if my husband (or their mother) does not find manners that important, so be it, but I don't have to respond to a lack of manners. But of course this "non interference" policy is not always comfortable- and I tend to try to expose them to activities that I find myself important, the NYC debacle being a good example. Anyway, it goes both ways though. If they don;t want to get involved in certain activities that's fine, but if they ask to join me to go to hershey park or dorney park the next time (which they will), I will say no, too.How old are yoru stepkids?

My sk's are 17 and 12. They just came for their uninterrupted summer visit. We have them every weekend other than that. I can tell BM had the big fight with my DH (talked about it in another post) in front of the kids because my 12 year old is doing the loyalty thing she does when things like that happen. Won't talk to me, won't play with our kids, etc. Hopefully, it will blow over in a couple of days when she has had some distance from BM's house. It usually does. My SD17 knows I won't tolerate disrespect from her, so she is actually pretty respectful to me. When she does cuss her dad out, it is always on the phone. She would never do that with me present. It just gets really hard sometimes....you think you have the answers...and then new problems come...and you have to look for all new answers.....that is why I love this forum.

Hi-

Yeah- it gets very hard indeed and I sometimes wonder how this is going to play out in the future. My stepdaughters are 9 and 12, and the 9yo is extremelty alienated from her father. It is always a struggle when she's over.She's been like this for years now, and no matter how much you work with her, her attitude just becomes worse and worse. Like last night- we had a family game night- after a long workweek we sat down with them and played monopoly and life with them for a couple of hours and they had fun. At 9.50 pm however, their mother calls- we have asked her repeatedly to not call that late. Its time for the youngest to help clean up and to get ready for bed, but of course her mother, who knows this, says it's ok to talk. Whnen I am not disagreeing with that, after 10 plus minutes however, knwing that she needs to get ready for bed, of course her mother encourages not to. my husbvand asks her to get ready and of course she refuses, cheared by her mother. eventually, she gets off the phone, locks herself into her bathroom and yells "leave me alone"- we tried to let her calm down for over 30 min by herself, does not help (because the more you try to get her out of there, the worse it gets). eventually, an hour later we need to take off the lock and she's still not coming out. Of course, she's yelling how this is not her home, she hates it here etc etc etc.Very frustrating. I just don't see myself putting up with this into when she becomes a teenager/young adult. I can't see this getting better over the years. Worse of all though, I sometimes wonder what her mother is thinking- she's such a freak. My husband says we should move away and get on with our lives. I know he's not serious about it and I don't want to encourage it, but I actually do think he might be better off. She's already talking about being "emancipated" and i think there will come a point for him where he just "needs to let go"- how harsh this may sound. I just could not imagine, for instance, me calling my dad or mom such names and what not, at 9 or 17 for that matter, and not feeling bad about it. It's so stressfull. Thank god indeed that these forums exist. It's a lot to deal with by yourself.

Maybe its just me but i've noticed it bothers alot of people when the SK doesnt' acknowledge birthdays or marriage anniversary's...for me i couldnt' give a rat's *SS for them to acknowledge days or events like that.
The way i see it is,
1. I do not ask or demand acknowledgement from a 9 or 11 year old.
2. I dont ask for their permission or if its ok with them
3. I give them NO power in this manner whatsoever!
This is just me. My SK's are ok...my SD is acting like a total b**ch these days and i am so happy they visit us EOW. She acts out towards her father which i dont like but will not interfere. Its not my business but after a fight i'm there to support my hubby.
But i've also told him that if this fighting occurs over the next year or so and doesnt' straighten up she will NEVER live with us. I will not have my life turn in turmoil on a daily basis. I made this clear to him. If he doesnt' like it, then the door is there. Its open. he's nto trapped to stay with me.
I love my hubby but will let him go if i must to keep my sanity.
My SD doesnt' disrespect me. SHe knwos very well i will not tolerate any of her cr*p...so she tends to act up on the phoen with her father or wheni'm not present. Which is fine but i feel sorry for my hubby. It hurts him but i tell him. She doesnt' live with us and no matter how much you love her its best for both of you that she lives with her mother during these trying times. Its causes him way too much stress and he's sensitive.
To top it off , she gave nothing for Fathers day. ...it was sad but she dug her relationship with her father into the ground that day. He will not break his back anymore. She even picked a fight the same night of fathersday and said he wasn't a good father because he wouldnt' drive for 3 hours to give her a bag of her belongings which she forgot!
One thing that a stepparent must do is disengage.
Dont expect to be their mother or father...you are not..and will never have the same love for them as you do your own blood. I'm sorry but that is my opinion. I'm a stepkid as well...i've had 2 stepmoms and they never replaced my mother, not even after her death.
Now i'm a stepmom. They come EOW....I spoke with both of them and made it very clear.
1. im not your mother and never will be. I will never replace her and i'm not here to do it.
2. I will not be the disciplinarian . your father will do it. But thsi doesn't mean you can disrespect me. You disrespect me and i'll throw it back in your face 10 times fold and make you miserable.
3. I'll be there for u when you need a shoulder to cry on, for homework and project, when you need to eat and are hungry. I'll be a friend and give you advice when you ask.
4. I will love you as a buddy, a friend, and because your my husbands kids. But i cannot love you as your mother does. She gave birth to you and that cannot be taken away from you from anyone.
Its not an easy position to be a stepparent. Its for the most part a thankless job but then again my own son doesnt thank me for the things i give him too. But he's young and will learn soon enough.

Read my blog. You are not alone xx
http://hownottobeastepmum.blogspot.com/

Hello people, this is my first post. I am glad to have found this forum. I googled "being a step parent" and this came up. I also like gardening, what a coincidence. I have read a number of posts on this forum. And I want to post a reply to this one...

I am a stepdad. I have been married for about 5 yrs. My S-daughter is now 13. I share many of the same struggles and feelings all of you have shared.

It is truly a thankless job. You can tell, by just reading some of the step-parents hate mail I see posted on here. It is not an easy job either. I'm not here justifying some of the wrongful actions of step-parents either. I'm just saying, that it is a difficult road.

I have learned that it is impossible to replace what mother nature already has in place. You can try to substitute it but in the end it is not and will never be the same. This is why my parents, who have been married for 30+ yrs, did not like the idea of me marrying someone with S-child. I see what they have warned me about now. It is a life I have chosen that is full of hardship. It is open to criticism and disrespect. It can bring out evilness rooted in fear. When the human soul lacks or feels threatened of losing what it needs most, love, it can bring out the worst in us all. And recently, I have been asking myself, if it is undeserved.

My wishes to both step parents and step children alike. It is not what mother nature had intended. We can only hope that this difficult life gives us a break now and then.