I agree, she's a teen and she'll do it on purpose for a rise, The best thing is to ignore when she does these littel traps. Walk away and focus on the other 3. She'll also pit the other 3 kids against dad...just give them more attention when she gets into her emotional trips. Its hormone age, its testing their limits. .....and i'm sure underneath it all she is pist off her biomom is what she is. My stepdaugther has been trying this. But thank GOD my dh sees the games and sets her straight. He calls her on it immediately! He's told her in the last few months he will not tolerate games and using other people to get her way. TIs manipulative and he wont give into her if she uses underhanded tactics. So the last time she came she was very respectable. BUt its up and down wiht teens. And its normal for them to be that way. I went through it. I was not a joy for my father and my sm has the patience of a saint. So just hang in there....when she tries to start fights, call on it , head on! Tell her ...no, no...you want a fight, fight with yourself, i will not be bothered to waste my time. and walk away.

lafevem, I agree. That's why it angers me SO much that they joined a "support" group for step-families. They both use this forum as an excuse to take out their anger on any stepmother who posts questions (looking for support) because they mistakenly view her as the "other woman" in their lives. It's not only unsupportive, it's insulting. And I wish I could say that I respect their perspective, but I don't. I think they are both lonely, angry, bitter, first wives who are taking it out on us because we're just some women on the computer with no face or real name. There's no repercussions for insulting us like there might be if they took it out on the ones actually causing their anger. Don't insult me because you can't blow up your ex and his girlfriend, y'know what I mean? Take a kick-boxing class and imagine she's the bag. Take her picture to the local range and shoot at her for all I care, but stop treating me like I stole your husband and hate my SK. I also think they use the ole "I'm learning your perspective thing" as a cover to be here. If my son was gay and I was having a hard time "understanding" it and wanted to learn where he was coming from, I wouldn't go to a forum and tell all gays that they are wrong for being that way, that it simply isn't "natural", or that God is frowning on them. (Which I really don't feel - I'm just making an example because that's usually the opposing arguments!) I also wouldn't assume that all gay men are hairdressers who wear designer labels and talk with a lisp just because some of them do. I do not appreciate being grouped into some category of ignorant, horrible mothers simply because Cinderella had an evil stepmother. It's just wrong. We are all people with different situations who are hear seeking support and we all deserve that opportunity to be listened to instead of picked apart. Some of us are better parents than others, some of us are better people than others but it doesn't mean that everyone in here is guilty until proven innocent. "to stepping -- no I wouldnt like or defend anyone hurting a child" Kkny: I will take this as your way of saying that I am not like the "other" stepmothers you assume we all are and that deep down, you see and appreciate that I am more maternal than the BM in my SS(s) lives and understand that those boys now have a chance to have the mother they deserve and that they have a better life now because I'm in it. After all, I don't physically and emotionally abuse them (and I won't list everything I DO do for them!) So, thank you for acknowledging this (even if I had to say it for you.)

RosieL, just want to put a disclaimer her.. I have no problems with the things you say. Even if I did, I'm not into bashing. I just like the discussion. You remind me of my mother, and I respect my mother very much...YOu make some very good points and I respect how you put children first... so this post is just to play 'devil's advocate' with one of your statments. I have some constructive cricticism.. (I think) on this statement you made... "I think that once we have children ... their well being comes before our happiness and love life. They will be with you for a very short wile and you will have the rest of your life for romancing. " I agree with that to some extent. I mean, I even find myself putting my only child, who happens to be my step son, before my own marriage as far as time, effort, patience, etc.. But isn't it true and important to realize that the children will be happiest when their parents are happy too? I mean, they need a happy home! And if mama ain't happy? lol. I don't think that means that a single parent should throw their kids around to different babbysiters while they go out on dates, etc... but clearly, that is not what is going on here. This person is VERY concerned about her childrens' feelings. The fact is, that she needs to rebuild her home and her marriage and I think she is right to do this for herself and for her daughter/children. LisRac states: "I love my husband and I want to try to make my marriage work. My husband went for counseling and realizes how things he did and things he said were hurtful. He knows he was wrong in a lot of his attitudes and wants to try and make it right (with counseling). I'm scared to hurt my kids or make them unhappy, although I know I can't make my decision based solely on a 12 year old's views." Sounds good to me! I think people get divorced because they give up to soon. That's my take. I think they go through a rough year, or in this case, have a very difficult time making a blended family work... and they simply give up. Listen, all families have problems. Even non-blended families. And no one is perfect. My parents have been 'happily' married for 40 years. God, it's like a fairy tale for them now that the kids are gone, but I remember a couple of those years being sort of... nasty... especially when my sister and I were oh, about... 12!!! I remember my sister hating my Dad for about 2 of those years. He had a lot of 'teasing' issues and picked on her for being lazy. Caused a lot of turmoil for the whole family. They both went into counseling, eventually. Now, she's (almost) Daddy's little girl too. I wouldn't trade my family for the world!! Makes me sick to think that my mom would have given up on my Dad just because my sister practically hated him for two years. Course back then I thought "you jerk!"... knowing what I know now and the kind of man and father he became to me. I'm so glad we never gave up and that we were able to forgive the mistakes that we ALL made. Of course, LisRac needs to be realistic about this man and really decide if this IS what is going to make her, then ultimately her children... happy! I don't know this man. But... he says he wants to try to make it work! Let him be a man and help make it work! LisRac has a chance to have a happy family. It is not going to be easy, and the children will need help through it all... but are they going to be better off without rebuilding a family? Are they not going to learn and grow and become stronger by going through these changes and accepting another human being...who they may even grow to love? ... into their lives? The potential is awesome. I mean, just think... if LisRac and her family work through this and rebuild their home... what a strong family that could be! That may seem a little idealistic... but I'm a glass is half-full kind of person, I guess!

Hey Struggling -- A lot of what you've written could have been written by my DH, since it's an issue we struggle with a bit too. In our case, my son is 15, and is by nature a moody, semi-sullen sort of kid. He was simply born that way. Our son together is like my husband, and was simply born happy and eager to please. Two totally different personalities that require two different parenting approaches. When older son gets mouthy with me, I simply say (for mild cases) "That didn't come out right -- please try it again." (then WAIT until he does it) or for more extreme cases "No sir! Please try saying that again with an appropriate tone." -- and he complies. He knows that his opinions are welcomed (or at least tolerated), but that his tone of voice must be civil. (He refused to restate politely once, and it cost him his computer monitor for two days. Didn't happen again.) DH, on the other hand, launches into a lecture. You may know that one?... You certainly know the response it gets, because you described it perfectly. My son Can't Stand the lectures and does do the full eye-roll thing. He's not ignoring it -- he's beyond that and is *actively* tuning it out. But DH, wonderful as he is, simply doesn't get it. So he lectures longer, louder, and with increasing hostility. That tactic doesn't work on that child. I'm guessing it doesn't work on your SD either. So try a different tactic. And for what it's worth, I think your wife has a point about treating the SKids with respect so you can demand the same in return. In fact, it might be worth phrasing it exactly that same way -- "I'll treat you with respect if you'll do the same for me." -- then do it.