Hi lafevem -
Like you said, these subjects bring up good discussion subjects. At 17, your SD is trying to feel "adult" and wants to be able to make decisions for herself about her reading material. At her age, it's understandable that she would be curious about sexuality and how others use it or abuse it. Reading the book certainly does not mean that she will become a nymphomaniac :) It sounds like she's pushing the envelope in your home though and she probably knows this. So it sounds like there is testing going on.

I believe the issue is between you and DH. You two may need to sit down and discuss this issue in more detail. Does he not believe his DD needs guidance? Does he suffer from GFS syndrome and this is his way of ignoring the situation? Has he told you not to get involved with her?

I definitely feel it is an issue of "shock value". That is why I am really trying to gauge how I react to this incident because I don't want to feed into it. I definitely don't believe she will become a nympho (I'm shortening it because I don't want to type it all out lol), but if she is going to read about sexuality, I do want it to be healthy images that teach a young woman to respect herself, her body, and her boundaries. Maybe I will look for such a book. Any suggestions from other posters would be appreciated. She is definitely testing the boundaries here..this has been an on going issue. I used to address things alot more, but I got so tired of the drama that I have just started letting everything go because I don't have the energy anymore. Maybe I have let too much go.

This is a constant battle between DH and I. Intellectually, I do believe he knows she needs guidance. Emotionally, he can't seem to do it. Anytime he tries to correct behavior, it becomes a huge blow up because she is extremely volatile and he HATES confrontation. In addition, everytime there is a blow up, she throws up the "I'm not coming to see you threat", or I am going to have my stepdad walk me down the aisle..you won't be invited....etc. etc. This also spills over to my younger SD and BM. BM will say...SD 12 isn't coming if SD17 isn't coming, and you aren't making her. And, until you apologize to SD17 you won't see SD 12 either. And it goes on and on. He can't fathom the idea of not seeing his girls (which I can completely understand), so he just runs off with his tail between his legs.

I don't know what GFS Syndrome is but would love to know more. We decided together that he would deal with her because there was a huge power struggle between the two of us in the beginning (myself and SD). My DH was divorced for 5 years before he and I got married and his 2 girls were his world. She is the oldest and she ran the show. She was used to telling my DH what he was going to do, how he would spend his money, where he was going, etc. When I came in the picture she felt very threatened and it was constant drama between us. So, I backed off and now he basically does nothing with her.

Adolescents do discover sexuality, & it is a big deal to them.

& they do like to shock.

At 17, she's way overdue for the curiosity about it, the absorption with it, & the shock treatments delivered to the older generation.

& she's old enough that a parent decreeing what is or is not "appropriate" is...inappropriate.

& ineffective.

Parents of 17-year-olds are sort of lame ducks.

You're still protective, you're still responsible, but within a year, you'll have no power to impose behavioral limits.

so kids start hacking away at those apron strings to test their own power & their own will.

Why start a battle that you can't win?

Let this go by.

I wouldn't even mention the book;
if she leaves it lying in the living room where the youngsters can find it (& she may-baiting parents of little ones is wonderfully exciting shock treatment!), pick it up & put it in her bedside drawer, & next time she breezes through, ask her, in a "by the way" manner, to be careful about leaving her grown-up things out.

& I bet your father can handle "racy" comments from a 17-year-old girl.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Take a step back.

Disengage.

Smile.

My heart goes out to you - you are in horrible situation. The SKs have trained their father to retreat through the wonderful art of manipulation. They will not change without him making some boundaries for himself and for them.

If he has told you that he will handle his children, you will need to disengage so that you do not go crazy when you see problems developing and/or continuing to worsen. Ultimately, it is his decision how he treats his children. Keep praying.

My heart goes out to you b/c you sound like a wonderful woman who deeply cares for these childrens' well-being.

You might consider doing an internet search on "guilty father syndrome" to read up on that subject. It sounds like your DH is suffering from it and his children are not hesitant to continue with what has been working for them. You can also find articles on how to "disengage". Sometimes disengaging through love is the best thing we SMs can do - for ourselves, our DHs, and the SKs.
Many blessings!

The only thing I can suggest to remain out of argument and not to give her exactly what she is looking for i.e the satisfaction of knowing her reading material might not be what you approve of. Just let her know, calmly that "obviously your dad doesn't mind you reading different kinds of books, and I don't either. Could you do me a favor and just be careful what you say, and where you leave your books. As you are much older then the other children, it's not there time to learn about certain subjects, yet."

Don't point out you are speaking about sex or anything regarding such. Just approach it as she is an "adult" and that maybe the younger children aren't mature enough to handle certain things. If you don't push the fact that she is to young, then the shock value she is trying to instill in you wont be apparent. She wont get her way in knowing she got to you, because you are agreeing that it is good for her to read about whatever. Just make it about her siblings and not her. Haven't you ever been told about getting a point across without having to come right out and say it. You will get to her by "allowing" her reading material, that alone might make her mad your not fighting with her and that's what she wants. Most teenagers thrive on conflict with at least on of there parental figures, and you just happen to be that person.

Does any of that make since?

I think my dad can handle the comments, that is really not my concern. I just don't think it is appropriate for a young girl to be discussing things like that with an older man. To me, there are some boundaries lacking there. I do understand there isn't much we can do with a 17 year old, and that is why I haven't questioned the material in the book up until now. But, she made it a whole new ballgame when she brought it out in the open and brought it up for public discussion. She brought it up, now it will be addressed. Because of our belief system, there are boundaries we draw on things, and 17 or not, they are to be respected. That is the real problem. She has become the alpha female (in my opinion) in this home and is allowed to bring in reading material, music, etc. that we find objectionable. We wouldn't allow our bio kids to do it, but she is allowed to get away with it. Because she has such a strong persoanlity, my DH is scared to death of her so she is running the show. At some point, I feel a line has to be drawn, even if she was an adult living in this home. I have disengaged from her, she wants to ruin her life..whatever...but embarrassing me in front of guests in my home is where you start stepping on my toes. I have a right to a say in what is in my home, and I feel my rights and feelings are being completely trampled on. As a result, I have lost almost all respect for my DH.

Notwicked..thank you for the kind words and information about GFS. I had never heard of such a thing. I will definitely research. We have been to several counselors who have told my DH that he must begin to set boundaries and not give into threats. We started with a female counselor and he didn't listen to her, so then we tried a male counselor, and he was really buying into the concept and holding his ground for a week or so. Then, he started missing her and her sister and he just relented. I would go back to counseling if I thought it would help, but with his frame of mind, I don't think he will change anything.

Angelz...it absolutely makes sense. Definitely food for thought about another way to approach the matter. I know you are a younger woman so I appreciate your perspective as I know you still have a clear memory about being a teenager. Mine is just getting too foggy...lol Glad to hear from you as well. I have missed you girl!

sylvia..thanks for your no nonsense comments. I always appreciate them. Keep them coming. Would like to know your thoughts about re-gaining some authority in my home.

Hang in there, lafevem!

If DH isn't willing to put into practice the advice from the counselor, don't be apprenhensive about getting counsel for yourself in how to handle your own frustrations and hurts about DH's different parenting style. This could be a wonderful opportunity for you to do for something that can be positive for yourself - to grow and deepen your own awareness of who you are - your strengths and weaknesses and how they can help you benefit your DH and the family, in general. You have a place in this puzzle also, even if you have disengaged from the SKs.
Blessings!

Lafevem, I guess the other ladies gave you the better advice, but I can't say that it would be my advice, lol.

Yes, it was totally inappropriate for your SD to speak of nymphomania to your dad! However, I think I'd be more concerned w/ her being so comfortable doing so and knowing that such reading material is desensitizing her to sex. After all, I'd like to think of myself as a "lady" as I believe you are, too. Not that I'm a prude, but I'm very private about such things and all things that most people to deem as private! Today's kids are just different. Look at the shows they've grown up with: 'Friends' has a number of likeable characters (I've caught it in reruns late at night when I wind down or can't sleep, never saw it when it was the hit in prime time) but they've all slept around w/ multiple partners. I think I'm a dinosaur at 43, lol, who didn't sleep w/ anyone til my marriage - not that I was completely inexperienced, but did hold some things as sacred. Anyway, today, I guess it just doesn't matter. I don't think the SD who lived w/ us was sexually active as she rarely dated, but I'm sure her sister and the bf are doing more than sharing a room, lol. I heard the biomom's mad - but she, too, lived w/ a man when the kids were teens, so I don't see a lot of room to judge! Anyway, I've just kept my mouth shut about it. I like the bf and if I'm ever invited over to the house, I'll put on my best nonreactive poker face when I'm shown their room...

If your child together w/ your DH is a girl, instill your values in her as I believe they are lacking in your SD. Of course, you aren't the bm, so your hands are tied. For the son, I'm in a similar boat - raising so many in my home and not sure how to go about raising knights, you know? I think there's a book from my email group about this subject that I'll need in a few (hoping quite a few) years as my oldest is 7.

I have noticed the assertiveness of girls - even at my boys' young ages. It's a little frightening! They're so aggressive. My oldest is a really beautiful child and the girls just throw themselves at him, lol. One of the girls is an actress and she was tearfully asking me to bring my son to the set where she was filming, lol. She said, "Miss Dana, I don't want him to forget about me! Disney will put you up on the island!" I said, "Honey, you don't need him, take me to the set!" I was LOL as I just wanted to see New Zealand! (Did you see Bridge to Terabithia? She was the little sister.)

Anyway, I suppose the others gave you the 'right' advice, and I've treaded very carefully in these waters. I did take my OSD to see "Good Will Hunting" when she was in H.S. and loved Matt Damon. Afterwards, I mentioned the scene when Minnie Driver and he had been in bed and she was crying, "Don't you love me?" I said, "When the man next to you is your husband, you usually don't have to ask that question!" Period.

So sorry your DH is afraid of this SD. I guess she's trained all the adults well to not rock her boat or she'll let them have it. It's a shame that this behavior was allowed to get started in the first place!

Sending good vibes and well wishes~~~~~~

Dana

Vista...that was exactly my point. I understand teenagers are interested in sexuality and that is normal, but I don't think that type of material is where she needs to receive her education. I think there is better reading material for a young woman who is seeking to explore her sexuality. Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate the feedback and the different perspectives. Keep them coming!

Unless I am getting confused, I believe you mentioned that your SD doesn't share your religious views. I assume if she did, she wouldn't choose that particular reading material anyway.

As someone who has raised quite a few children, by the time they are 17 they are plenty old enough to select their own reading material. They can go to R rated movies by themselves, check out erotica at the local library or buy it at the bookstore, etc. I haven't read much erotica, but I find that the romance novels (including the ones euphemistically called "spicy") my daughters read are often very well written (do you know how many romance authors were English majors at places like Harvard?) and invariably, by definition, support monogamy.(And you know how I feel about that subject). Perhaps you could suggest some of the romance novels currently on the bestseller list, or have a neutral party, like a librarian, suggest some.

My SD did choose our religious views up until recently. She began to date a guy who is a terrible influence (stolen 2 cars, drinks alot and does drugs, quit school...on and on) and she has become a different person. She actually met this young man at our church because his mom had started coming to our church and he was coming to our youth group. He had straigtened up for a while, but has gone back to his old ways, and they have decided together that church isn't for them. We don't push our views down her throat...but she is required to go to church and she is required to follow the rules of this house, and that includes no material that we find offensive. At least that is the rule for our kids, my skids seem to follow a different set of rules. Actually, I shouldn't say that...my 12 year old SD is expected to follow the rules because she is very meek and non-confrontational...just my oldest doesn't have to because my DH is basically scared of her. Honestly, I have done my best to disengage from my SD. I could care less what movies she sees, what erotica she views at her mom's house, what she reads at her mom's house, or really anything else she does as long as it's not in my home offending my sensibilities or those of my guests. I have no desire whatsoever to censor her reading material. As I said previously, I saw the books weeks ago and never mentioned it because I am not going there. This didn't become a problem until she decided to parade the book out in the middle of a party and then discuss it with my father. And I don't see these books as "romance novels". Usually romance novels involve a woman who maybe was in a couple of bad relationships, but then they find their knight in shining armor. These books are about a nymphomaniac and her many sexual exploits. I think those fall into a different genre.

"I understand teenagers are interested in sexuality and that is normal, but I don't think that type of material is where she needs to receive her education. I think there is better reading material for a young woman who is seeking to explore her sexuality. "

This is a key, key point. Do you think her father might be persuaded to browse through this book to see what his daughter is learning? (You go through it first to identify some key passages.) But really, I think our kids really need to hear from us flat-out, no B.S. what we consider appropriate behavior and what our standards are. They need to know from us how we view premarital sexual relationships and what the considerations are: Religious, health, social, psychological, self-esteem, economic, lifestyle.

They need to be able to make that choice of when to say "yes" -- because someday they will -- and the one thing I know for sure is that I won't be there at that particular time to guide them! So someday, if it hasn't happened already, she will say "Yes" -- Have you been able to talk to hear about how she'll know it's a good time? the right time? The wrong time?

As far as how to react to her book -- Clearly she's going for shock value. And explaining it to 'Grandpa' is just bonus 'in your face' to you. If you think she might feel a shred of remorse, you might mention that Grandpa was a bit taken aback by her choice of reading material, and you wonder what he thinks of her now...?

lavefm... as you have been told she is said it for shock value. She could have said "oh something for school". She lacked common sense and courtesy oh well, Her choice to look like a fool to an adult. Not the first or last time she will do it.

My oldest SD 18 reads some stuff that is not appropriate for the younger ones to even view the titles of ... So what I do is or have her do is tape pieces of paper over the titles of the book front back and side. First time I did it she asked why? your ruining my book blah blah blah... My response if you want to read that trash its fine you are old enough to make your own decisions but I don't want the younger ones exposed to that stuff they are too young. So if you want to read it in this house you will cover the titles up. Or not be allowed to read them in view of the other children.

She brings home books looks for the tape and paper to cover the book.

Hubby will not confront her about anything doesn't want to really know if she is sexually active. Not much he can do about it other than locking her up til she's married. Are chasitity belts a form of child abuse? (smiles)

GoldmannFavre syndrome (GFS)--HAHAHA!
I thought you were asking if DH was blind!!!!!!!

Anyway, my SS (at age 17) brought a Playboy Magazine down to read at the breakfast table when my mother was visiting.
When I called him on it, he said that it was a men's magazine, and he had every right to read it.

I said that he was being disrespectful to the women in the household.

So, what happened is that any magazines that I saw, magically disappeared. Any porn DVD's that I found magically disappeared. No confrontations, just poof!
Gone.

Sooooo, what happened is that I trained him to keep his
porn hidden. Then, who cares. He's not my kid.
He can flog himself all he wants. I just don't want to see the evidence of it.

Shock value is correct. And for some reason to his Step-grandmother. Your your SD to your father. What a great way to needle a step-parent. But ultimately, it only reflects on SD.

And there was the time that I left a box of tampons in his room on his dresser when his guy friends came over. Touche.

SouthernSummer...I am cracking up by your last post. We feel the exact same way...whatever she wants to do in the privacy of her space and at her mom's house is none of my concern. But, when you throw it in my company's face then that is a horse of a different color. My DH called her about it last night, and told her it was inappropriate, and she played dumb...with what else could I tell him..he asked what the book was about? She is a very savvy, bright girl who has no problem phrasing things tactfully when she chooses so even DH didn't buy it. He told her not to bring the book to our house on Friday. He told her to leave it at her mom's. We both feel that BM encourages this kind of behavior in SD17, so my DH said he was going to call BM and tell that when SD17 pulls stunts like that it doesn't reflect poorly on him or me because a daughter learns how to be a lady from her mother. I doubt he will follow through with that conversation but we will see.

Wow! Go, Hubbie.

I think every DH has his limits.
For my DH it was when his son got a DUI.
All of a sudden Tough Love was in his vocabulary.

I think SD has been begging for boundaries, and
she just found one.

BTW, I did a search for GFS, and I can't find it anywhere.
I know my DH is a poster child for GFS.

I was just getting ready to apologize for under-rating the whole thing & suggest that you throw out anything you don't want in your home, but southernsummer beat me to it with her "mysterious disappearance" technique, & then you posted

"DH didn't buy it. He told her not to bring the book to our house on Friday."

Well, there ya go!

Good for him!

To regain control *of anything*, you have to take it.

The person who deposes the king or emperor is *not* going to hand back the sceptor or orb.

If Dad dreads the thought of daughter being unhappy with him or cutting him out of her life, & he lets her know this (if he gives the power-hungry party the power to make him unhappy), he's got no card left to play, & she wins.

"Do what I want or I won't come over."
*Dad* tells her, "hate to hear that, we'll miss you."

Her mom threatens not to send 12-year-old daughter?
*Dad* says to her, "Have you looked at the legally binding visitation agreement? I'll be there at X o'clock to pick her up."
& if he shows up & daughter doesn't come with him, he calls attorney & mom can explain it to the court.

This girl had her dad under control until you came along, & she wants that sceptor/orb back!

understandable, but she's his daughter, & you're his partner.

So save your breath & your nerves & let her dad get the point across that the partnership between you & him is what he wants.

She talks ugly?
Dad takes her back to mom.

She embarrasses you or a guest?
Dad takes her back to mom.

She gets in your face or does anything obnoxious to you?
*You* tell her she has to go home, you tell Dad she has to go home, & Dad takes her back to mom.

He doesn't ask you what she did, she doesn't whine about that wasn't the way it happened...
no pleading her case & calling you unfair & putting you on the defensive & trying to drive a wedge between you & Dad.

If, once you & Dad discuss the matter after he returns from taking her home, the 2 of you decide that injustice has been done, then you *both* apologize, sincerely & *briefly*, change the subject, & do something special with her next visit.

As far as guiding her education about her own sexuality, I think it's way too late for that.

It sounds like she's investigated on her own:

At 17, with what sounds like a serious boyfriend, she's relishing the exercise of her "female power", & you can't get anywhere by trying to reason with someone in that stage of life.

(remember how exhilerating that power was? even if we stupidly wasted it, & many girls/women do, it was exciting!)

'Scuse me for getting on my soapbox for a moment, but this is something I feel strongly about.

Kids need to know about their bodies & their drives early rather than late.

"Late" is often "too late".

I once taught a sexuality class in church (I tell people I learned a lot!), & it started with *12-year-olds*.

The idea was to get the information to them before they were confronted with their bodies' startling behavior & with unexpected drives/desires, & to arm them with the awareness of how important it is to maintain control over your own behavior, control over profound involvement with another person... control over your own life.

Girls especially can get de-railed so easily by the intoxicating headiness of that first "real" relationship, & it often changes the entire focus, direction, & momentum of their lives.

It would be easier if you could put an "estrogen delay" switch in their brains, but you can't.

What you can do is give them information before they get drunk on hormones & their brains can't accept any data except the kind that flashes boy/girl boy/girl boy/girl.

With a 17-year-old, the main thing you and/or her dad can do for her now is to re-establish his role as her loving, caring *father*, so he'll be there for her in his strong father capacity if/when this relationship goes south, able to reassure her that she's the same worthwhile person she always has been.

sylvia....no apologies necessary. I like to hear the viewpoints of others who have had more experience with teenagers as I have never reared one. Some things freak me out, but when I talk to parents of other teenagers, I find out it is sort of normal. I teach elementary school, so all of my experience is with younger children. We will see how this all plays out this weekend.