Ouch, not showing up at the wedding must hurt. No wonder you are resentful, I would be too.

It is a bit off topic, Dana, but it is about not showing up at the wedding.

My own father did not show up to my brother's wedding. To be precise he showed up for a minute and then walked out demonstrativelly, everyone could see it and he did not show up at a reception at all. People were asking. Embarassing.

My parents are not divorced, are decent people, my brother is a decent man (was very young at the time though), there is nothing severely wrong with my SIL. My dad just did not like the fact that my brother is getting married young and married a girl beneath himself (my parents' opinion). Good reason to not be at the wedding? Hmmm

To my knowledge in 19 years of my brother's marriage no apology was offered for not being at the wedding. As much as my brother was embarassed, his attitude was always like: whatever, we just go on with our lives. I can't change my dad.

My best friend's MIL and FIL did not show up to the wedding because they did not like her. My best friend and her husband completely broke a relationship with his parents after that. I don't think they spoke a word in over 20 years. There was no apology, so no forgiveness followed.

And in some families it is prefered to pretend like nothing happened. In our family incident with not being at the wedding was never mentioned.

I don't know what is the right way.

I have to admit I had some of the same questions you do, Dana. I've never managed to do the "right" thing in my stepmother's eyes.

When my dad and SM were married, all of my sisters were there. It was a small affair, so I did the photography and then created their wedding album for them. I even bought an antiqued silver frame and gave them a beautiful framed wedding portrait for their first wedding anniversary. My SM's son never showed for the wedding or any family event thereafter. And yet, six years later, she's shut us out of their life and her son and his kids are the only ones who matter. Go figure.

Again, people seem to make the difference, not situations.

Thanks for your kind words. What a great feeling it would be to know that my story may help other step families. And I could not have said it any better, its the people that make a difference, not the situation.

Obviously I can only speculate on how she was able to foster this realtionship we have. It probably wonÂt surprise you that she is actually a marriage and family therapist who specializes in children with special needs. She actually began her early career working with troubled teens so I am sure she had a ton of experience dealing with kids who had issues far worse than mine. Obviously to be successful in this career requires someone who has a lot of compassion.

I am sure my step mother was pleasantly surprised when I made my amends to her. I had actually wanted to do it for sometime, there just never seemed to be a good opportunity to do it. I knew it was going to be a rewarding conversation for the both of us, but I also knew it was going to be incredibly emotional so I had been waiting for a moment that just seemed right.

I certainly did not mean to ruin her day. I was just a teenager who had coped with my mothers death by keeping all that pain inside. I vividly remember thinking that day that I canÂt believe this is happening to me. I canÂt believe that my dad has already healed and moved on from my moms death. How could he possibly have healed? It was quite obvious he was pretty in love with my step mother so did he ever really love my mom? And what is going to happen to me? Did I just go from being a step daughter to a daughter to a step daughter again? This was my thought process about ten minutes before the wedding ceremony. I didnÂt stand a chance.

I am just so thankful that she was able to realize that it was never about her. Of course I was even more remorseful when she actually told me that she was hurt. Honestly I never really knew for sure if it bothered her cause like I said she never showed me any resentment. Our relationship really developed after she married my dad so it was never really the elephant in the room that neither of us ever acknowledged. Perhaps the sincerity in my apology meant more now that I had years to think about it and really reflect on it, instead of just saying it sooner for the sake of being polite.

Really though, she created the relationship that we have now. I think I am pretty willing to let anyone in my life who shows interest in having a relationship with me. I am sure she was able to figure out pretty early that getting me to talk about my mom was a pretty effective way to get me to open up. And letÂs not forget that I was still only 19. Not only did she have to deal with a grieving teenager, but also deal with the typical behaviors and attitudes of a 19 year old. I am sure any bio parents would agree that is enough to make a parent want to pull their hair out! I am so glad she never threw the towel in on me. Did I mention she is a therapist  haha!

Also, I did deal with a little of divorce poison. My bio dad was in my life, he just never stepped up to the plate of being a dad. He was an alcoholic and I had coped with that by taking on some of the adult roles when I was with him and also to protect my younger brother. I remember plenty of times in his drunken self pity where he would remind me that my step father was not my real dad. I learned at a pretty early age though to ignore anything my bio dad says when he is drinking, which turned out to be pretty much all the time. He died two years ago, and I had always held on to the hope that maybe one day he would get his life together and we could have a more normal father/daughter relationship.

Anyway I guess I would just encourage step parents to really stay in the game and give us snotty step kids a second chance. Things can change, we may surprise you one day when you least expect it and let you know that you did make a difference in our life.

Well, Starr, I think someone was watching out for you upstairs when you were blessed w/ these two very special stepparents in your life.

And, I think your stepdad must be a remarkable guy to be able to choose such lovely women and to have them love him in return.

I'm very, very sorry your father died w/o ever having a chance to foster a normal relationship w/ you. Alcoholism - it's a bad one. Many families have been ruined by it and most are touched by it to some degree. It's so, so sad.

I'm curious, not to beat a dead horse, as to the mood at the wedding. Were they trying to include you in everything, pictures, reception line, etc? In the weeks before and after, were they somewhat treating you carefully? I suppose it was an emotional time in all respects, but I'm interested in the dynammics.

Maybe I did it all wrong. I asked my SDs to be in the wedding if they would like to be a part of it. The older one said she wanted to be there, the younger one said nothing. Time passed and I asked the girls if they'd like me to order the dresses to match my two attendants or if they'd like me to buy them new dresses of their own choosing, thinking that at 12 and 14, maybe they would feel awkward as jr. bridesmaids. They both elected for the new dresses.

We all went to the mall and DH and his son went to fit the son for a tux (he was in the wedding party at 16) while I took the girls shopping. In the middle of the mall, the younger one had an outburst and began crying, yelling that she hated me and that she didn't want to go, etc. I was pretty dumbfounded. The older just quietly cried. I didn't know what to do, so I found their dad and brother and we just left.

It was around the time of the Olson twins' father remarriage. I recall the tabloids quoting the SM saying, "I had these beautiful dresses made and their mother has made these poor girls feel like they were being disloyal to her if they shared in our day!" I echoed those exact thoughts...I don't think the girls naturally hated me, but their mother fed them a lot of lies and I wasn't about to tell them the truth about her, lol. Years later, the mother did confess, but so much damage was done. I actually had a glimmer of hope that the girls would find it in them to offer a small nod of approval my way or simply say, "I'm glad we've gotten through this - I know we didn't have it right in the beginning..." not even an apology, just something. (Mother had been having an affair - DH left her after awhile of that going on though I don't think their marriage was based on love - she was pg when they wed. After he left, we dated over 1.5 yrs. later. Around that time, the bf dumped her and she told the kids she and their dad could have worked it out were it not for me. So, they viewed me as their homewrecker, sadly. It's really sad because I had been working w/ their dad for a couple of years before we dated and I knew the kids and we all got along great until this happened.)

Anyway, the girls are civil to me - sometimes even nicer than just civil, so I don't have it horribly. But, every so often, they make it clear that I'm not their family - always on the outside looking in. Their brother, ironically, was the nicest to me at first, but he has gone on a wayward path. DH suffers from a lot of guilt, I guess, as he attempts to buy their love repeatedly and they milk him. I think he's finally seeing that he has enabled, and actually crippled, his son to this point where we now are...

Again, thanks for sharing, and if you can ever shed anymore light on the situation, I'm eager to learn.

Dana

finedreams: I attended a wedding that was similar to your brother's. The bride was young and her dad refused to go and give her away. It was sad, but touching to see the uncle step up. They stayed together many years, recently, though, they divorced (he cheated, he was much older - like my DH is, lol, though I married at 33, not 19!) It's nice to see that your brother's marriage has stood the test of time. I'm sure it's tough for parents to have to sit back and watch their child make a move they don't approve of. May we all have the strength to handle such times w/ grace, and take comfort in your brother's vows lasting!

Lily: I think your SM is just a wicked, miserable woman. I have no idea what motivates her to shut you all out. I pray your dad and you can one day have some normalcy in your lives w/o her constantly putting up roadblocks. It's just not right. And, I, too, find it ironic about her son not showing but now being the sole golden child...

Hang in there, ladies. If nothing else, Starr's story gives us a little hope???

D

When I first read Starr's post, it blew me away with hope and inspiration. Starr's story gave me hope, a greater hope than I've had over the past year of ever finding true happiness in my life as a SM. It's never, ever too late to say thank you or to offer an apology to someone. Maybe some of our stepchildren should take a cue from Starr. From what I can read on these boards, a lot of SMs (who are also BMs) have gone over and above the duty of being kind, gracious, forgiving, loving, etc. and we just keep turning the other cheek. I don't mean to come off as sounding rude or cold, but I think in Starr's situation, she met her SM halfway on their journey and that makes all the difference in the world.

Starr you have touched upon feelings that show how vulnerable stepkids are when they lose mom in death;

I cant believe that my dad has already healed and moved on from my moms death. How could he possibly have healed? It was quite obvious he was pretty in love with my step mother so did he ever really love my mom?

When my dad remarried, I received a postcard. SM's young daughter was with them. Sm's own mother felt they should have a second wedding for the family's sake. I particpated in this wedding and did so happily. But receiving that postcard stung knowing her daughter was with them. I've never uttered a word on how I felt. I would have felt better had they eloped on their own and left her daughter home or invited me to join.

"but I think in Starr's situation, she met her SM halfway on their journey and that makes all the difference in the world."

I agree completely -
Another key element, I think, would be the StepMom's understanding that Starr's tears weren't about not liking her or about trying to ruin her special day - that they were about Starr's own emotional turmoil. She didn't take it as a personal insult and allowed no resentment to fester. That shows grace.

Neither of my StepKids attended our wedding. I was a bit disappointed, but if I'm being honest, also a bit relieved as they had never even agreed to meet me. (I wasn't a homewrecker either - parents divorced 10+ years.) But their mother would have considered it extremely disloyal to her, and would have punished them for years. Given that kind of scenario, I had no rational way to take it personally, and didn't. I only met them after we had been married a year or so, and now we have a good (though not especially close) relationship...

Thanks Starr - you give us all hope.
As well, my Sk's and I were close until 3 weeks prior to our wedding (we had been together for 10 yrs). The BM realized that she made a mistake and wanted DH back. The kids thought that if they took part in our wedding they would be disloyal to her. SK's and DH had a supper meeting and BM was always phoning to see what Dad said.
I was going to call the wedding off but DH insisted we go ahead with it as it was about US and not THEM. They did show up but the mood was tense.
I thought I was doing the right thing by involving them in the wedding. I can understand the feeling of being disloyal to the BM but what about their Dad. They always seem to come to him when they need something.
My X recently got married and never included his kids in it at all - my kids and I were quite disappointed.

Wow, lots of "showing any kindness towards step and bioparent remarrying = disloyalty to other parent.." going on. I think that was the overwhelming theme in my early years of marriage. When the skids' mom finally got over it all/moved on/found religion, the children were allowed to like me once again. It's been a selective liking, for the most part. I'm not stupid and I see what motivates them. Still, I have to acknowledge that it's better than it once was.

That loyalty issue is a tough situation for teenagers, or children of any age. I also think they won't rock the boat w/ the more stable parent. They're afraid of the parent who's going to make their lives a living he!! far more, esp. if he/she is the custodial parent. Just as my DH will anger me rather than one of his children, given the choice (even when it's blatantly clear what he should do from a parenting standpoint), I guess the kids in our case were willing to upset Dad and new SM rather than deal w/ the wrath of their unstable mother. I think people use our saneness against us as I told southernsummer!

Anyway, when my SD and I had the fight in April, I got a lot off of my chest. Maybe some things were better left unsaid, but I said most of them. I guess it made her realize that yes, I HAD noticed the treatment I received, the way I was used, and that they never apologized for any of it. I guess the closest thing I'll ever get resembling an apology was her reply, "Well, I was a teenager, what did you expect?"

End of the rope: You are to be commended for giving the kids the green light to participate in their father's wedding. What a shame that he didn't grasp that opportunity

Organic: Did you mean that you weren't part of your dad's marriage, but that her kids were? Or was her DD on the honeymoon?

I think I need Starr's SMs email or her address where she practices, lol.

Dana

My ex husband did not only not include our daughter into his wedding, he did not tell her he is getting married!!!!

Well he lived with the women for several years prior to marrying her and they already had a son together, and they had no big wedding or anything, but still!

Our daughter was pretty much involved in their lives for a long time since we have been divorced for many years, so it was more than weird to withhold the information about getting remarried. In fact he did not say anything to her for a long time after getting remarried. Too weird how some people do things.

First time poster here; my SD moved in w/ us last month to attend college in our state and to get away from a drug addicted mother (very sad tale). None of my step-children came to our wedding.

In actuality, it was easier w/ out them there. They were getting lots of the same guilt previous posters were talking about. We tried to involve them, DH's son and Step-son were to stand up w/ him and SD was one of my bridesmaids. They were 19,17 and 15 at the time.

Two months before wedding- son and step-son back out.
Two weeks before wedding- DH gets angry call from SD about how he needs to give BM more money, he's a terrible father, never does anything for his kids, she'd rather go to her highschool boyfriends grad., etc. DH was devastated, this was his little girl. My best friend from grad school stepped in graciously and filled her spot and DH's brothers filled in for him.

We had a great wedding but DH noted it was very awkward when his overseas family asked where the kids were.

Fast forward 3 years and the kids are back to being close to DH, I agreed to help SD through college and BM is reaping what she sowed.

We went to my nieces wedding 2 weeks ago and everyone was talking about our wedding (most recent in the family) and SD flew in w/us. You could tell that she was feeling guilty for not being at ours.

I don't know if we will ever get an apology or explanation of what went on w/ her and it doesn't matter at this point. DH and I have moved on. I am now trying to build a relationship her starting fresh, we have already had a talk about not holding grudges since that only hurts the person holding the grudge not the grudgee.

I hope we get to a point like Starr and her step-mother.

wow, you only met your sk after we have been married. I am struggling with the issue of my bf not introducing me to his grown children. They are bitter and angry over parents' divorce (I have nothing to do with it) and are not ready to meet their dad's gf, they are not too happy that he has a gf. Should he become a monk? lol

In fact they are overall weird kind of people when it comes to family. My bf's daughter has a serious boyfriend for a long time and is planning on getting engaged and neither of the parents have met a guy (live in a different state). how weird is that?

I don't know if I will ever marry my bf, but this situation with his kids annoys me beyond belief. If I ever marry a guy I bet you it will be nasty SK situation.

Yep! It's like Dana says, people will go pretty far to avoid upssetting someone who is willing to make a BIG UGLY scene...

In DH's case, even though she was the one who instigated the divorce, his Ex poisoned the kids against their father and did everything she could to destroy the relationship. It was pretty effective for a very long time, but like sio5ra's case, she is now reaping what she sowed...

Now, every holiday, we hear from our stepkids over and over again how nice it is to be able to drop by our house when they can, to eat with us if it works into their schedules, to visit with family who are always pleasant and never drunk, fighting or not-speaking, and that we're happy to see them and don't complain if their visit is 'late', 'early' or 'short'. We really are happy to see them, don't plan around them because we know their other obligations aren't as flexible as we are -- and enjoy being able to be a calm oasis for them.

It's great when being 'stable' gets appreciated!

Vista

I was NOT part of their marriage. However SM's daughter was and was on the honeymoon too.

It is amazing how being nice can be held against you. Because I am unconfrontational and rarely say "no" to people, they have no problem saying anything to me. And if somebody is prone to make a big ugly scene, people avoid upsetting them and tip toe around. How unfair.

I never had any problem with my ex-husband having personal life and eventually remarrying, never spoke bad about my ex to my daughter and always ask nicely how her SM is doing etc. It never occured to me to be nasty or brainwash my daughter. I see how many women brainwash their kids and yet everybody walks on egg shells around them. Sorry i sound bitter.

My SD21 (at the time) came to our wedding but would not participate. We had invited immediate-family only had an outdoor ceremony.

My SD was very demure during our informal ceremony but then went back to her hotel room after dinner and stayed on the phone with someone (her boyfriend? her mother?) almost the entire time while the rest of us were in the bridal suite playing games, laughing together, and sitting by the fire.

She came in to join us once, stayed about 15 minutes sulking in a chair and then left, saying she was going to her room. We didn't see her again that night. My DH still speaks of his hurt and embarrassment over her behavior six years ago.

Sadly, it didn't get any better after the wedding either. At present, she seems to be trying her best to pollute & destroy her brother's relationship with DH.

She has refused to be open & honest with DH about her feelings when he asks her (she always seemed to have "a headache") and she continues to lie to him, telling him her behavior will change for the better - yet it hasn't. Very sad situation indeed.

Starr's SM could be making a lot of money counseling our "family" right now :)) - but seriously.....I think it'll take a bolt of lightening to move my SD to see her own part in this unfortunate situation. She only seems to be able to blame DH & me for any unhappiness in her life.

Thanks for letting me vent :))

Wow everyone, thank you so much for the kind words! It really means a lot to me.

Vista the wedding itself was a small affair at our home the home that my mom lived in. It was obvious to everyone at the wedding how upset I was. The guests included my step mom parents, her 6 siblings and their spouses, my step dads immediate family, a few close family friends, and amazingly a few members of my moms family!

They actually planned the wedding pretty quickly like 6 weeks start to finish. At the time I was actually a university student and I lived on campus about 2 hours away. I came home every weekend. I remember the weekend that my dad told me he was getting married. He told me in private because I am pretty sure he knew what my reaction was going to be, which was of course, sobbing. I went back to school that week and continued to come home on the weekend, hoping that maybe they wouldnt actually go through with it. Step mom didnt actually move in the house until after they were married so it was pretty easy for me to just ignore what was happening by immersing myself in school during the week and then hang out with my friends on the weekends back at home. Typical selfish teenage behavior.

Since it was such a small affair, there wasnt really a lot of expectations for me to participate other than to show up- probably designed that way by my dad. I guess my dad knew me well enough to know that once the initial shock and emotions wore off, that I would eventually come around and to give me time.

I dont really have a clear recollection of the weeks that followed which is a good sign I guess. She moved in our home, which looked exactly the same as the day my mom died and stayed that way until they sold the house a few years ago. There were new mementos, memories, and photos added prominently displayed next to the old ones.

Vista, its obvious that you have tried to reach out to your step kids and I am sure its incredibly painful to be pushed away by them. It sounds like you have left the door open to them countless times, they just have never walked through the door. I think its important to ask yourself whether their actions are the result of bad behavior or they just learned terrible coping skills to a traumatic event like divorce. My initial thought when you said the girls burst out in tears about the wedding dresses was there was still a lot of pain from the divorce. I can empathize with that pain.

I admire that you are still hopeful that they will come around and the fact that you question where you could have made some changes along the way. Have you ever asked them that? Theres probably a pretty good chance that they may not have an answer for you, but maybe someday they will. Will the door still be open?

Seriously, thank you for allowing me to talk about this. Its a blessing for me. Its really made me self reflect over the past day or so and has inspired me to continue to never take for granted the people that I hold so dearly to my heart.