We adopted a husky while I was pregnant. We had her for 5 months before DS was born, during which time she grew very attached to me. We also have a cat (well, at 25 lbs, he may be a second dog) who can be a little mean. Luckily, so far everything has worked out. We were a bit concerned because she had been abused, but she is absolutely wonderful with him. We did the things you've mentioned -- sent a blanket home, had DH carry DS into the house, etc. She was curious about him the first day home, but she was PISSED at me for having left her for 2 days. Luckily she didn't do anything but give me the cold shoulder for a while. DS is now 19 months old, and our dog is still wonderful with him. She's a little protective, actually -- she'll get between the stroller and someone who approaches us on the street; she gets upset if he cries, or she'll look at me like if it were her kid, she'd get to that crib faster than me! Food may be another big issue, especially if your dog is used to table scraps. Try putting your hand in/around the bowl when the dog's eating to see how she responds. If she's the least bit snappy, you may have to feed her when the baby naps, especially after baby is mobile. One of DS's favorite haunts when he started to crawl was the dog bowls -- to splash or check out the food (we try to empty the dish if she doesn't finish b/c the food can be a choking hazard in addition to being downright gross). And our DS also loves to feed the dog from his chair, so if that's something that's going to annoy you, make sure you don't let the dog or the baby develop that habit after you start on solid foods. For us, the problem began with cheerios at about 8 or 9 months. I've tried to make it a point to integrate the dog and the baby. We have a jogging stroller, and most days I'll take both of them on hour long walks. I think it helps the dog to just see DS as an addition to her life, rather than competition. We practice petting gently. When DS was old enough to sit up & reach for the animals, we would take his hand, help him pet them, and say gentle. Now if he gets a little rough, all we have to do is tell him to be gentle. That's pretty much all I can think of. We've got great pictures of DS crawling all over the animals and giving them hugs. Congrats.

You have more than one 'issue' going on...best you deal with them as what they are. 1) The children's mother died. She did not divorce your husband, she died. Right up to the day this lady passed on she and your husband were a couple and the parents of these children...an intact family , if you will. Naturally these children loved their mother. They mourn their mother. They hold very fond and loving memories of their mother. It's not a slam nor a sign of disrespect to you. Fact, it's not about YOU at all. So what if they post pics of Mom? So what if they bring up Mom when occassionally speaking. She was their mother. Why would you expect them to pretend the lady did not exist now that she's died and their father has chosen to remarry? Again, it's not about YOU. 2) Of course your children would never dream of helping themselves to the home you live in. It's not their 'home'. It's a house owned by a gentleman their mother just married recently and moved into. Making a comparsion between the situation of the children's feeling of ease in this house is silly. 3) There is bound to be a lot of emotions tied to this current home your husband shared with his deceased wife and his children. Ever discuss with your husband that perhaps it is time to purchase a house together? One the two of you can claim and share as a new beginning for husband/yours relationship. One where none of the children overly feel attached to nor is filled of old memories. Are you next going to post this current house is still left exactly the way it was the day the deceased wife died? And then you sit and and wonder why you feel like the outsider being haunted by days gone by and overstepping children. Now, look at the other issue. The adult children enabling. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess these children are just doing what Mom and Dad always allowed them to do. Your correct in that these adult children should be earning their own way through life...but I'm going to bank their parents (yes Mom AND Dad) raised and enabled these 'kids' to be the self entitled dependents that they have turned out to be. Did your new husband and you discuss this issue before you said 'I do'? I guess I never quite understand how some ladies go into some of these relationships seeing how tings exactly are (or assuming things) and then get all outraged and shocked when they actually begin to wake up 'from the honeymoon' and find these issues are still very much present. The issues you find objectional didn't just poof because now you wear a ring. Sit your husband down (something you should have done before marriage) and discuss finances, household expectaions, go house hunting (who wants to live with a ghost so to say)and see where and what the two of you come up with. If you find yourself yards apart in your wants and expectations, you'll likely correct that there is not much of a future for your relationship. If you find you're both willing to work as a team to build a solid communicating, compromising future that works for both of you together then it's time to put the plan in motion and begin to work towards that future. This post was edited by justmetoo on Wed, Feb 20, 13 at 13:32

ummm let us back up here. First, I did say that I hate the word stepmom or step whatever... but I DID NOT say that I told the kids that they couldnt call me step mom. FYI They call me L_. And, if you reread my post I am the one that told the kids not to call me mom and to respect BM's feelings. My point, obviously completely missed by you, was that I dislike the word because of how people view steps in general.... I thought the reference to Cinderella made that quite clear. BM and myself are from the same area... south but not THE south. The whole Ms. thing was just a way for her to create a seperation between myself and the kids... like when the kids were asking how my aunts and uncles became my aunts and uncles. I told them that they were brothers and sisters of my dad. They were confused because BM and DH had a family friend that the kids called Aunt and Uncle. I told them that they werent really their Aunt and Unlce that they were a really close family friend and so they called them Aunt and Uncle. Bm chose to tell the kids that I have no idea what I was talking about and knew nothing about her family. Not her family, infact friends with DH before he even met BM...but whatever... those were rocky years. She would get angry with the kids and demand that they say Ms._ It got to be ridiculous after a while... especially when she was making this demand the one or two times a month she was seeing the kids at the time. The kids would get confused and not know what to say. So, it was time to squash it. The Ms. before addressing an adult was always DH's rule for the kids when talking to someone outside of family, it was a way of her digging in a thorn.

So you have a real lot going on. Not just in your family, but in your own personal life. As far as making the first move with communication with your step daughters, that's not so uncommon. My father and brother had not spoken in a year. Not becuase of a fight, but because my father did not pick up the phone to call him. Now, my brother didn't either, but he's never been one to do that anyway. So, knowing that, I told my father that if he wanted a relationship, he'd have to make the effort. He's the father. I'm sure that from his point of view, my brother should have picked up the phone, and I understand that, but a year went by, and it didn't happen. My brother did email him, but his wife deleted the emails. Actually, my fathers wife actually fed this problem, but telling my father that he should be mad, that my brother should call him, etc. I spoke with them, and told that the phone works both ways. Sometimes as a parent, you have to be the bigger person. I know it's long winded, but you get what I'm saying. Like any other relationship, you may have to give to them (calling, emailing) more than you get. That would be a good first step. Disengaging on certain things is fine, but overall, it can leave a hole in your relationship with your DH and his children. His children are a huge part of his life. To have that open hole will create issues. To answer your question: So do I just suck it up, get involved where he wants me to and go ahead and make contact with them? The answer is yes. (in my opinion) I think you have nothing to lose here. They are not drug abusers or addicts, they are just self centered children who have some growing up to do. If you play on their team, and with their Dad, you can have that family that you want. It will take some time, but since they are just really immature and sound as though they are rude, that can change over time. You also wrote: I guess my insecurities from my prior marriage and being left raising a seven month old by myself is the basis for all of this. I'm not sure how it ties in. Are you afraid that you will lose your DH to his children? If you think that ties in, then I would suggest you keep that in the front of your mind when you are having a moment of insecurity. His daughters are not a threat to you at all. You are his wife, and they are his children. Keep reminding yourself of that. This is something that you will have to work on yourself. If you don't, his children will pick up on that, and resent you. It will become a tug of war between you and his girls, and that's not a fair fight. They need their Dad in their life, and over time, if you can foster that relationship, you will all be much happier. I can tell you first hand that if you show hostility or insecurity toward his girls, they will feel it, and end up resenting you. I went through that with my own father and his wife. His wife just doesn't want any of his children around. It makes her feel threatened for some reason. In the end, it really hurt the relationship with my father and I, and caused a lot of pain. That is something that I'll never get back. Have you ever heard the phrase "fake it til you make it"? That's a good place to start. If you can put it into words, I'd be curious to know what it is about his relationship with his daughters makes you feel insecure. I think that may be the key to you having more harmony in your life.