dealing with stepson problems

19 years ago

I've been married to my husband for almost three years, we have two soon to be three children together and have full custody of his two sons from his first wife. My six year old step son is an angel, helps around the house, nice to his sibilings, good manners, treats me like and considers me, his Mommy no question. My ten year old stepson...is nothing short of an episode of Nanny 911. I hate to say I'm starting to look forward to everytime he visits his bio mom...

We had joint custody up until about a year ago when she called DHS on me (yes me in a wonderful drunken fit) of course, they found it completely unfounded and ended up inacting a child-in-need-of-assistance on her after speaking to the boys. They came from a house with no rules, no manners, etc. to our house. My SH's behavior can go from semi calm to completely unmanageable in 20 seconds if he does not get his absolute way. He cries and screams at the drop of a hat if we ask him to do anything he doesn't want to (psych says this is manipulative behavior since its completely fake and make up anything to justify it), he never asks before he takes, tells his six year old brother he hates him, he ruins his life, he wishes we'd move him out etc. because he's never in trouble. Even went so far last year as to try and jump out of the van when I drove him to school because he wanted his Dad to take him not me, wads up his tests his teacher gives him to take and throws them away, refuses to do any homework ('looses' it all) even went as far as to go sit in the bathroom all day at school and refuse to come out, physically fighting with me, pretending I've hurt him when we're out in public, running away from me it goes on and on.

Now, my husband acknowledges he has problems, but blames half of these things on ME. He says I'm 'too hard' on him. (The only responsiblities he has at almost 11 years old is to put away his folded laundry,which he has a tendency to throw on the floor, and do his homework). Its just causing so many problems in our marriage, my SH will mouth off to me and my husband will tell me to leave him alone validating his behavior. He says my SH is 'damaged' from his mothers actions and should be given some slack when he behaves liks a three year old and I don't know how to talk to him. He says I look for faults in him and I'm constantly on edge when he's around, that I can't hold him accountable for anything that happened yesterday or the day before because he's a kid. Then me and my husband end up fighting constantly over him. I admit I do loose my temper when he behaves this way, simply because I view it as ridiculous. He knows he's doing it for Daddy's attention and he always gets it when he behaves this way.

I think his actions should have punishments, and he should learn responsibility and accountability. My other stepson and our two boys behave wonderfully...Am I being too strict on him? Or do I need to take his behavior with a grain of salt?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

colleenoz
19 years ago
From what you're saying, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. "Cutting SS slack"- for how long? When will he be required to learn to behave? In a year? Two years? Meanwhile, the poor behaviour becomes more firmly entrenched.
I think SS needs regular counselling, DH needs counselling and a parenting course to learn that kids live up to your expectations- if you expect them to behave well they will. If you expect them to behave badly they will. He is helping to create a monster as much as BM did.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
Henry Kissinger once sat in the Oval Office with President Nixon, watching the President's Golden Retriever chew the rug.

The President tossed the dog a treat.

The dog ate the treat & then started on the rug again.

The President tossed another treat.

This went on for some time, & finally, Dr Kissinger could bear it no longer.

"Mr President", he said, "do you realize that you are *training* that dog to chew on the rug?"

Hubs is training son to chew on the rug.

Does your hubs realize that this boy could end up in foster care & that you could end up in jail if a concerned passerby calls 911 when the boy pretends that you've hit him?

& that, at nearly 11 years old, the boy is undoubtedly big enough to hurt you?

This kid is way overdue for more responsibility than folding his own laundry & for facing the consequences of his own behavior.

I wish you the best.
Related Discussions
Ex hit stepson...how do we deal with it without scaring stepson?
Q
Comments (9)
Personally, I think it was a mistake for your husband to call his ex. We've dealt with this for two years now, SD goes to her mom's and tells mom 'stuff' and mom calls dad up, yelling & ranting at him.. not 'discussing' as reasonable parents should. From your post, it sounds as if he didn't call when he was calm & reasonable, he was upset. She responded with anger or defensiveness, which is not going to resolve any conflict or resolve the problem he hopefully wants to resolve. (and my SD has also been sitting next to her mom when mom calls dad to yell at him and she'll be crying and begging mom to stop... then I'm sure she feels this is all her fault. Not a good position for a kid to be in.) Kids will play up the parts of a story they know mom or dad will react to and the truth is, there isn't much you can do about what mom did. Unless there is a bruise of other evidence of abuse, involving CPS on a one time incident is going to subject the child to further trauma... if it's an ongoing problem, then maybe intervention would be appropriate but it sounds to me like mom was stressed out and reaching out to dad for help by calling him. When she called to say she was going to hit him, what did dad say to her? Did he offer to take the child since she was obviously stressed out? I think one resolution would be to give mom help with reducing stress, which may be more time at dad's and maybe the parenting classes or counseling to help her deal with problems. I don't think it would help to call CPS or file to take her child away from her if she is otherwise a reasonable parent that just had a bad day. Last year, I was put in the position of being accused of hitting my SD. She wanted her mom's attention so she told her mom that I hit her all the time. Her mom called CPS on us claiming my 18 year old daughter grabbed SD by the arm, dislocating her arm. All of it was untrue, nobody has ever hit or grabbed SD in our home and CPS closed the case because it was an obvious lie, but the point is that it put my SD through additional turmoil of us having to take her to the doctor to be examined and she was pulled out of class at school to be interviewed... and all the time, she knew this was because she told her mom that I had hit her.. which was made worse for her because she knew it was a lie. I don't think she realized what a big deal it would become. and it's no picnic to be falsely accused of abusing a child!
...See More
how to deal with Step-Son
Q
Comments (38)
I have read Marmies story and can sympathise. I have a slightly similar situation, although I don't have my own kids. I have to add that I worry about having children with my partner because of the brother my child will have, I also understand the dislike, it can't be helped he's not your child afteralll and I applaud your honesty. It's hard to come out and say but being honest with yourself is the first step to solving the problem. His father and natural mother have allot to answer for, this boy clearly is not getting the support he needs. I consider your best course of action to kick the fathers butt !! The boy firstly needs to seek professional help for the bed wetting. In our situation my as is encouraged to drink plenty of water during the day but no fluids 2 hours before bed time and no diuretics in the afternoon (black currant juice, caffine, etc) this has to be supported by the mother but if you explain it to the child and that this course of action will help he may continue to follow instructions when at his mothers. The next is diet. I don't care who disagrees, the correlation between ADHD and diet is incontrovertible to my mind. Cut out all unnatural food. You can gradually reintroduce natural sweets and chocolate (actual real chocolate not American chemical filled brown nonsense) you WILL be able to identify which foods he reacts negatively too ( look for redness in the skin, increased tics, inability to hold prolonged eye contact, not having full control of what he's saying, unable to hold a conversation or listen ) the reaction can be subltle so you will need to pay attention. Make time for him, talk to him about what interests him. Inspire him to be a better person, talk about socialisation, the importance of respecting people and the joy of finding friends. A professional can help and given that he's from a broken home this is something you can hopefully discuss with his school. If the support isn't there for him, consider changing schools. Remember that this is your children's brother and that they love him. Try to see him through their eyes, not yours. Think about how much time they will spend with your kids in the future.. So your gonna want to know who this boy is and have an influence on who he will become, so consider that when your finding it hard to be around him. Grizz it out for your own kids sake, it is hard, it will be hard, no one said it would be easy but it WILL be worth it, you can help turn this boys life around, what a wonderful position to be in! And all those who say "it's your choice you knew he had a kid bla bla bla" hang them we all make choices that are hard but we retain the right to ask for help or have the occasional whine about it doll, best of luck to you x
...See More
putting bin outside to deal with fly problem?
Q
Comments (4)
I wish I had tried the second technique a while ago when I had a decent amount of compost. I only went through the last purge maybe a month ago now (and haven't been feeding the remaining worms too much because of their decreased numbers) so there's not much to flip over right now. Perhaps the thing to do would be to cover the whole thing with bug netting, and stop feeding, but it will be a while before all the food in the bins are consumed and longer still for the flies to finish their life cycle, so no composting for me for maybe two months. Not sure if I like that option either. The infestation is light right now, but it's only going to take another few weeks before the flies get crazy again.
...See More
Stepson problems
Q
Comments (6)
This is one of the many ironies or Catch-22s of being a SM—you are supposed to unquestionably do all of the good things a mom does for someone, such as cook, clean, buy gifts, and so on, but you can’t do any of the so-called negative stuff, such as discipline or set guidelines or rules, and even in your own home. From your perspective, it is like you are having to do all of the work of a wife and mom, but getting little to none reward, and even getting punished for it, as in you are expected to tip-toe around and put up with whatever is slung your way in your own home. When DH and another family member or members gang up on SM to put her in her place (which apparently they see as family scapegoat), the above scenario becomes even more disturbing. Not only are not getting any support from your husband, but he is actually working against you and undermining you. Your DH is not being asked to take sides and he is not being put in the middle. Your DH is supposed to be your husband, and husband and wives are supposed to work together to set boundaries for their home, including for anyone residing there. Most bio-parents wouldn’t put up with a lackadaisical son in their home, so why should you? But, it all starts with your husband. Apparently, he expects you to fulfill the role he has imagined for you as near family servant rather than wife. You were living together for quite some time prior to marriage, and perhaps you were okay back then just waiting on them. Don’t know. Now, you are a wife and a lazy near 18-year-old is a lot different than a lazy 15-year-old. Your husband and SS want to keep things status quo, it appears, with you around serving ‘em. SS could be around for several more years. I’m guesstimating here, but it doesn’t sound like a good situation for you where two adult men would be hanging out together, living their lackadaisical dream, and living it at your expense. If you can’t turn your husband around, I don’t see this working in your favor at all. Get counseling, or take him up on his offer and leave for a while. A SM isn’t a SM as much as she is a wife. Many a SM has had to put her foot down more than once to remind her husband that they are married. Husband and wife are supposed to act like husband and wife, and children, adult or not, are to be treated as children. Children don’t get to set rules for a home they are simply residing in. Husband and wife do. In step-families, some of the biggest mistakes come when children are treated more like spouses and spouses are treated more like children. Kind 'a what you see going on here. Your husband is married to you. He is not married to his son.
...See More
organic_maria
19 years ago
I think your Hubby is more the issue than your SS...Your husband should support you not blame you ...the your SS should have more responsibilities that what you have for him.
I agree with many previous posts...counciling family would be wise. Especially with so many kids.oh yah,,,it sounds to me that your hubby doesn't help with homework for the kids? i maybe wrong...but how about handing the reins entirely over to the hubby for your 11 year old SS and see how that goes for him.
I agree with you entirely on actions having punishments. Kids now a days have no sense of responsibility for their words or actions. no consequences for their ill manners. A line must be drawn and if a bioparent cannot do it then someone has to do it!
sieryn
Original Author
19 years ago
Thanks for the advice. My husband (and in my opinion, many dad's) have problems adjusting to the differences between step families and nuclear families, they remarry and expect a 1950's business-as-usual atmosphere without the challenges of family blending. That being said, they seem to rely on the step mom to run the family and only put their two cents in when its convenient or the children have whined enough...just my two cents.

dealing with stepson problems

Comments (4)

colleenoz

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

organic_maria

sieryn
Original Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

dealing with stepson problems

Comments (4)

colleenoz

sylviatexas1

Related Discussions

organic_maria

sierynOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

sieryn
Original Author