dealing with stepson problems

16 years ago

I've been married to my husband for almost three years, we have two soon to be three children together and have full custody of his two sons from his first wife. My six year old step son is an angel, helps around the house, nice to his sibilings, good manners, treats me like and considers me, his Mommy no question. My ten year old stepson...is nothing short of an episode of Nanny 911. I hate to say I'm starting to look forward to everytime he visits his bio mom...

We had joint custody up until about a year ago when she called DHS on me (yes me in a wonderful drunken fit) of course, they found it completely unfounded and ended up inacting a child-in-need-of-assistance on her after speaking to the boys. They came from a house with no rules, no manners, etc. to our house. My SH's behavior can go from semi calm to completely unmanageable in 20 seconds if he does not get his absolute way. He cries and screams at the drop of a hat if we ask him to do anything he doesn't want to (psych says this is manipulative behavior since its completely fake and make up anything to justify it), he never asks before he takes, tells his six year old brother he hates him, he ruins his life, he wishes we'd move him out etc. because he's never in trouble. Even went so far last year as to try and jump out of the van when I drove him to school because he wanted his Dad to take him not me, wads up his tests his teacher gives him to take and throws them away, refuses to do any homework ('looses' it all) even went as far as to go sit in the bathroom all day at school and refuse to come out, physically fighting with me, pretending I've hurt him when we're out in public, running away from me it goes on and on.

Now, my husband acknowledges he has problems, but blames half of these things on ME. He says I'm 'too hard' on him. (The only responsiblities he has at almost 11 years old is to put away his folded laundry,which he has a tendency to throw on the floor, and do his homework). Its just causing so many problems in our marriage, my SH will mouth off to me and my husband will tell me to leave him alone validating his behavior. He says my SH is 'damaged' from his mothers actions and should be given some slack when he behaves liks a three year old and I don't know how to talk to him. He says I look for faults in him and I'm constantly on edge when he's around, that I can't hold him accountable for anything that happened yesterday or the day before because he's a kid. Then me and my husband end up fighting constantly over him. I admit I do loose my temper when he behaves this way, simply because I view it as ridiculous. He knows he's doing it for Daddy's attention and he always gets it when he behaves this way.

I think his actions should have punishments, and he should learn responsibility and accountability. My other stepson and our two boys behave wonderfully...Am I being too strict on him? Or do I need to take his behavior with a grain of salt?

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Comments (4)

colleenoz
16 years ago
From what you're saying, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. "Cutting SS slack"- for how long? When will he be required to learn to behave? In a year? Two years? Meanwhile, the poor behaviour becomes more firmly entrenched.
I think SS needs regular counselling, DH needs counselling and a parenting course to learn that kids live up to your expectations- if you expect them to behave well they will. If you expect them to behave badly they will. He is helping to create a monster as much as BM did.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Henry Kissinger once sat in the Oval Office with President Nixon, watching the President's Golden Retriever chew the rug.

The President tossed the dog a treat.

The dog ate the treat & then started on the rug again.

The President tossed another treat.

This went on for some time, & finally, Dr Kissinger could bear it no longer.

"Mr President", he said, "do you realize that you are *training* that dog to chew on the rug?"

Hubs is training son to chew on the rug.

Does your hubs realize that this boy could end up in foster care & that you could end up in jail if a concerned passerby calls 911 when the boy pretends that you've hit him?

& that, at nearly 11 years old, the boy is undoubtedly big enough to hurt you?

This kid is way overdue for more responsibility than folding his own laundry & for facing the consequences of his own behavior.

I wish you the best.
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organic_maria
16 years ago
I think your Hubby is more the issue than your SS...Your husband should support you not blame you ...the your SS should have more responsibilities that what you have for him.
I agree with many previous posts...counciling family would be wise. Especially with so many kids.oh yah,,,it sounds to me that your hubby doesn't help with homework for the kids? i maybe wrong...but how about handing the reins entirely over to the hubby for your 11 year old SS and see how that goes for him.
I agree with you entirely on actions having punishments. Kids now a days have no sense of responsibility for their words or actions. no consequences for their ill manners. A line must be drawn and if a bioparent cannot do it then someone has to do it!
sieryn
Original Author
16 years ago
Thanks for the advice. My husband (and in my opinion, many dad's) have problems adjusting to the differences between step families and nuclear families, they remarry and expect a 1950's business-as-usual atmosphere without the challenges of family blending. That being said, they seem to rely on the step mom to run the family and only put their two cents in when its convenient or the children have whined enough...just my two cents.

dealing with stepson problems

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colleenoz

sylviatexas1

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dealing with stepson problems

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colleenoz

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sierynOriginal Author

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