This is one of the many ironies or Catch-22s of being a SM—you are supposed to unquestionably do all of the good things a mom does for someone, such as cook, clean, buy gifts, and so on, but you can’t do any of the so-called negative stuff, such as discipline or set guidelines or rules, and even in your own home. From your perspective, it is like you are having to do all of the work of a wife and mom, but getting little to none reward, and even getting punished for it, as in you are expected to tip-toe around and put up with whatever is slung your way in your own home.

When DH and another family member or members gang up on SM to put her in her place (which apparently they see as family scapegoat), the above scenario becomes even more disturbing. Not only are not getting any support from your husband, but he is actually working against you and undermining you. Your DH is not being asked to take sides and he is not being put in the middle. Your DH is supposed to be your husband, and husband and wives are supposed to work together to set boundaries for their home, including for anyone residing there. Most bio-parents wouldn’t put up with a lackadaisical son in their home, so why should you?

But, it all starts with your husband. Apparently, he expects you to fulfill the role he has imagined for you as near family servant rather than wife. You were living together for quite some time prior to marriage, and perhaps you were okay back then just waiting on them. Don’t know. Now, you are a wife and a lazy near 18-year-old is a lot different than a lazy 15-year-old. Your husband and SS want to keep things status quo, it appears, with you around serving ‘em. SS could be around for several more years. I’m guesstimating here, but it doesn’t sound like a good situation for you where two adult men would be hanging out together, living their lackadaisical dream, and living it at your expense.

If you can’t turn your husband around, I don’t see this working in your favor at all. Get counseling, or take him up on his offer and leave for a while. A SM isn’t a SM as much as she is a wife. Many a SM has had to put her foot down more than once to remind her husband that they are married. Husband and wife are supposed to act like husband and wife, and children, adult or not, are to be treated as children. Children don’t get to set rules for a home they are simply residing in. Husband and wife do. In step-families, some of the biggest mistakes come when children are treated more like spouses and spouses are treated more like children. Kind 'a what you see going on here. Your husband is married to you. He is not married to his son.

Karen,

I agree with you just hate after all these years for this to be the problem. I have always been supportive of everything he is wanted for as. I walked outside last night and there he was snuggled up on Dad's birthday lap? I wanted to scream!!! I love him and would never mistreat any one's child intentionally. We have had arguments before but never like this. We have always had fun and gotten along very well until recently. Just very confused

Start out seeing a counselor yourself, one well experienced in blended families. If anything, the counselor can help you hone in on what you want out of this relationship and go from there. And, you can see if you can drag your husband with you too, at some point. It is difficult, I know from experience. Step-families have to deal with all the crap that can come up with initial families, plus with situations unique to SFs as well. Not easy.

Thank you

" I was confronted by dad and told that I had embarrassed him in front of
some friends that were over and that I needed to find a place to live?"

Say what? Your husband was "embarrassed" by you when you weren't even there, and now YOU "need to find a place to live"??? You have a lot more problems than a lazy stepson, sweetie.

And really, so what if SS is "tired" after football practice. Aren't you tired after working all day? And yet you are expected to come home and organise dinner (and no doubt the clean up too). And criticised for not being happy with this set up.

I think you need to see a counsellor, to examine whether this relationship is worth pursuing, apart from anything else. It doesn't sound like your husband is on your side at all, nor is he likely to be. To me, that's not a husband worth having.