AGain, it seems that the only one that didn't appreciate the X wife being there was the OP. The others didnt seem to mind. Whether Mom feels a "need" or just feels like it -- SD invited her mom, and the others and they came. If the In-laws wanted to spend time with their son and new DIL, they could. What I suspect is that the Inlaws wanted to spend time with their son and his children and grandchildren, and OP didnt want to go to SD with X there.

But OK, I dont see an issue, you do. What would you advise OP.

I think OPs options are:

1. Tell DH next time parents come she will go with DH every where he goes (when not at work). Does she tell SDs that if SD invites X she is not coming?

2. Tell dh she doesnt want X to put them up next time.

3. Just to try to live with this.

My guess is that the Inlaws are older and dont travel much. So I would say to OP, let it go.

Ladies, in particular, Lonepiper, Dana, Mom of 4 and LaFevem, I wish to thank you so much for helping me with your insights into my situation. It is heartwarming to know that complete strangers would take the time to think through what I've written on my situation and provide caring insight. Your words have helped me more than I can say.

I dearly love my husband and the last thing I want is to put an end to our marriage. We have been discussing the most recent situation and have agreed that we get along beautifully and the only time we have issues are when there are family issues.

We have decided that going forward we are going to change several things in terms of how we've approached being a blended family. We are going to show a united front. He told me the ex situation has gone too far and he has been uncomfortable with it and he has also been upset with his daughter for some of the things she has done. He does understand how I feel. We're going to give this an honest try and make it work.

Again, thank you very much.

june0000: That is really awesome. I am glad you were able to sit down with your DH and come to some resolution. I agree that his ex and daughter are going too far and not respecting your feelings, and I am pleased to hear he has recognized it and plans to address the issue. I think most of us realized you had no intention of divorcing your DH, you were just really frustrated, and trust me we have all been there. It just seems easier to say forget it sometimes because you get tired and it doesn't seem there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Blessings to you and your DH as you try to work it out. Good for you!

OP -- Have you thought about helping strenghten DHs relationship with his children, gchildren -- or do you regard that as not your problem? Becuase I do think most moms would view this as part of their rold.

kkny- as I was reading the posts I was I was understanding your pov.... until you threw in that last comment... which I think is unnecessary... allow her a moment of thankfulness that her husband 'has her back' so to speak I sincerely doubt that this is a detriment to strengthening relationships with children and grandchildren

Mom of 4, thank you.

june000,

I can totally understand the feelings you had towards your husband for staying there for three hours and I totally understand your feelings towards the stepdaughter. I am a step-parent to a 27 yrs old woman who has two young daughters and has used them to make her father (my DH) about not seeing them enought so that she could have some times without HER children!

I am really glad you and hubby have talked things over. I find whenever i talk to hubby about the x or the children, it worth it. It might not be too nice when we are discussing it, but in the long run, it helps!.

Keep posting.

My point was OP is possibly on her way to alienating her DH from his kids, and gkids. Not certain she cares.

"My point was OP is possibly on her way to alienating her DH from his kids, and gkids."

How? By wanting to visit her husband's parents, his children and his grandchildren without having the ex-wife present?

She gets along fine with DH the inlaws gkids and the ex its the SD who is puting up the roadblock ... she's being a 27 yr old brat.

What don't you get ..... I know its unheard of but adults act like children when they don't get their way ...

And just because she gets along with the ex ... doesn't mean she wants to have tea and crumpets with her at every family gathering. Children tend to bring up memories of the "good ole days" ... making anyone new to the family feel like an outsider.

fleurs gardener, lonepiper and cawfecup, thank you for your understanding, insight and your very kind words. I feel so much better already, after getting the support that has been provided by some awesome ladies on this board. I only hope I can return the favor to you, should you need it.

I think most everyone finds this board, at one point in time to seek help and guidance from those who may have encountered the same types of issues. Sometimes we just don't have anyone else to go to with our problems and concerns or choose not to talk about it with family and friends.

Thanks again!

Its not only the X situation, is the SD also.

From OP

"He told me the ex situation has gone too far and he has been uncomfortable with it and he has also been upset with his daughter for some of the things she has done. "

It seems everyone is congradulating X for getting her husband to say he is upset with SD. So what is next step? That is my question. Not the X situation. The SD situation. And I dont think we know how she gets along with inlaws or grandchildren, or even if she cares.

And from Cawfecup

"Children tend to bring up memories of the "good ole days" ... making anyone new to the family feel like an outsider"

These statements are helpful to moms like me in understanding issues faced by children of divorce.

THe SD is 27 years old, and perfectly able to have a relationship with her father with or without her BM's help or SM's help. It is really up to her father to express to his daughter things that are making he and his wife uncomfortable and asking his daughter to help him work out the situation. The father has the right to visit his daughter and grandchildren without the ex being there all the time. And if that is what his daughter is insisting on, then she is the one with boundary issues. Cawfecup: It is very hurtful when kids continually bring up things that happened in the other home and make you feel like an outsider. I understand exactly what you are saying. One day I was alone with my 17 year old SD, and she started talking about a time when she was 12 years old and she accidently walked in on her parents having sex. She was cracking up telling me about the "noises" her mom was making and stuff. Like I want to hear about my husband and his ex-wife. I was completely grossed out. I talked to my DH about it and he had a a conversation with her about respecting other people's feelings and not making others feel uncomfortable.

kkny..your comments always help me to understand the thinking of bitter ex-wives who cannot seem to go on with their lives, posting on stepfamliy boards antagonizing well meaning stepmothers, and feeling they are entitled to make their former husbands miserable for all of eternity. Thank you for your insight.

ok here's a scenario.... daughter brings home new bf ... you sit with her and the bf and talk about the good ole days with the old bf .. remember going camping shopping how polite he was what stuff he bought for daughter.

how does the new bf feel???? Think before you type.

Another ... you get a new job ... filling a vacancy someone left ... and everyone around you comments about the other person who was at the job before you? how do you feel? They have meetings that don't include you and when you are there talk about how the other person was at the meetings.

KKNY you do not like the GF you would love it if you were invited to every family event ... so then you could play the poor me card .. well if she is gonna be there I am not going ... making others make a choice they shouldn't have to make.

You would be there sitting on the couch at the daughters house so you could pull a hissyfit when the GF walked in the door. I imagine you living for that moment.

I completely agree about the uncomfortable feeling that overcomes me when the kids talk about "the good ole days!" Its completely natural for the kids to talk about it but its sometimes so hard to sit there with a smile on my face as they would talk and talk and talk!!! I used to think that perhaps they were bringing these memories up in front of me to let me know that I was unwelcome and unwanted. I didn't realize until later that they were just talking, like they talk about their day at school, what they ate for lunch, or what boy they think is cute, etc. Nothing was intended to hurt me, however, I still feel like a third-wheel when the conversation veers in that direction. I wonder if it will ever go away...

Cawfecup,

The difference is I dont have any real relationship with any of DDs BFs. The relationship is with her, her friends are secondary. Teh relationship a child has with both of the childs parents is a primary relationship. So what you are saying is that it bothers you when child talks about one of his parents in front of you. Ok, good to know.

AS to work, people where I work talk about people who used to work here all the time. Some we are sorry left, some ambivalent. People constantly talk about office parties (oK, the wild ones) that happened before I was here. Big deal.

I am invited to family events of my X, and generally do not go, but drive my DD there. She is old enough to walk in without me. I dont think of it as playing the "poor me" card, I just choose not to go. Big deal. People make choices about attending events all the time.

I can not imagine my DD inviting Xs GF over. I will deal with that when the time comes.

Someday you will or are you that closed minded/hearted that you could never even care for your daughters boyfriend maybe even future husband ... you would treat him like a complete stranger unless you were patting him down to make sure his wallet is fat enough for you and your daughter of course. Knowing how much he loved your daughter???

No it doesn't bother me I am used to it ... just so happens she walked out when they were very young so their memories of the good ole days .. include me... :-) I am the good ole days ....

Their memories of their mother ... being drunk and dropping them off at school.... When they "remember" stuff its just dad and sister mom was not there ... And when they talk about their mom now I bite my tongue because I know the truth and what she tells them are 3 different stories.

No Cawfecup, I would not and dont ignore my DDs friends, but my allegiance is to DD, not to her friends. Yes, I wave and smile to her friends, old and new. So I guess you are telling me there is no difference between the relationship between me and a DDs boyfriend and hers with her parents. Not that she has had any real BFs yet, but I assume she will. But she does have a lot of friends, boys and girls. But to me it's not the same as a relationship with a parent. But I guess not to you. OK, good to know.

And I have never suggested DD should be interested in boys on the basis of a wallet. I never was. But that does appear to be Dads GF modus operundi.

I wasn't asking how you felt about it we all know you are heartless..... I wanted you to put yourself in the boyfriends shoes ... how does he feel!!!

ok new scenario ... DD goes to boyfriends house ... and his parents are sitting there reminiscing about the good ole days with his ex-gf how would your daughter feel????

wake up call .... your daughter is going to grow up and marry someone just like her father ... children of divorce tend to seek out a mate like the parent who walked away.

For someone who claims to have an education you do not have any common sense at all.

It seems you think a relationship with a parent is the same as a what I think to most people would be much less important relationships. I take from this that just as one would expect a parent to put aside a child's former relationship, you would expect a child to put aside his relationship with parent. The differnec is that while the parents relationship is in fact former (after divorce), the child still has a relationship with the X. All I take from this is you want child to pretend mom doesnt exist. Good to know.

All I take from this is you want child to pretend mom doesnt exist. Good to know

And why not? their mother would be happy as a clam if they did not!!! I know mom exists she's the one filling the kids head with dreams and then crushing those same dreams... but you don't want to hear how bad a mom she is ... afterall she gave birth she's should apply for sainthood and mother of the year!!!!

We told BM we were thinking about moving out of state to see what she would say ... we told her if we did she wouldn't have to pay support any more ... she said ok but I want them for one week each summer thats it!!!!!

I give up!!! you are too jaded in your opinion to ever see anyone else's point of view ...

the world is not black and white there are shades of grey....

Heah Cawfecup -- you make general statements

"Children tend to bring up memories of the "good ole days" ... making anyone new to the family feel like an outsider"

and then when pushed, you finally then relate it to your family situation. As you represent it. Which I really dont think is typical. Most children of divorce live with their mom. But this is the advice you give.

Heah kkny - you really are annoying. You must really hate the world and everyone in it. Good to know.

KKNY..I thought we were reaching a new place as you were being very understanding of my angst tonight. Let's continue to go there...I am seeing a whole new you.

Sorry, but I think you guys are off base if you think that a child discussing a parent is the same as a parent discussing the childs x BF. It is informative though.

and June -- your mother wears army shoes.

kkny..army boots, not shoes..but good try nonetheless.

BTW, I do think children will naturally discuss their parents and even try to relive good times in their parent's marriage. I think it is natural (although sometimes I think older children do it to offend) but it still makes the new spouse feel left out or uncomfortable. I think you have to judge each situation on its own merits. If a child is doing it non-stop, then the bio parent may need to have a talk to the child about how it is making the step parent feel. That is why one on one time with the bio parent is important. The child can talk more freely about old times in those settings.

Lavefm, your right, army boots, and thanks. I think many children of divorce fantasize that their parents will get back togethor. I tell my DD that will never happen. I hope SMs dont assume childs mom is behind this. I would like to think if I were to become involved in a relationship with a man with children, I would understand if child talked about mom.

I could be wrong but I don't think anyone is debating the fact that its okay for the child to talk about their mom, or when their mom and dad were together, or the fun times that they remember spending with mom and dad, or the times when dad wrote mom a really nice love poem for her birthday, or the time when they accidentially walked in on mom and dad in the bedroom and were really uncomfortable, or the time when mom made a really special cake for dad on their wedding anniversary. This kind of talk is completely natural for a child, just like its completely natural for them to remember that one time at the county fair on the one ride they so much enjoyed. Understanding wasn't the issue. Being uncomfortable and not showing it to the child was the issue. I feel its perfectly natural for me to feel somewhat out of place during these times. I don't get angry or defensive, just, well, out of place...

Cawfe cup -- start up at Wednesday June 27 at 11:30 -- then she goes on and on about how talking about a daughters old bF in front of new bf is same as child talking about mom.

Again, I think eveyone knows children are going to talk about the other parent and even old times. However, some BM's encourage this to cause problems in BF's house. Oh btw..my sk's told their dad they are not allowed to talk about him or me in their house unless it is to report a problem. They don't want to hear about good things about us. So, when they told DH that, he told them they were welcome to talk about their other home here, but he did take SD17 aside, and ask her not to mention things such as sex with his ex in front of me just to be sensitive to my feelings. I think that is a perfectly acceptable request. He must have been having a good day that day, because most of the time, I am being too critical if I ask him to correct anything. Maybe that story embarrassed him enough that he thought it didn't bear repeating again.

I don't understand why some husbands will absolutely not even consider looking at anything through the eyes of their wives! Whether our requests may be reasonable or unreasonable, loving or unloving, they still should be considerate enough to take the time to listen to what is causing us discord and validate that we have a right to feel this way. Not necessarily choosing our "side" but at least letting us know that we matter and aren't an inanimate object at their beck and call whenever they deem that we could be useful.

Perhaps I should stay away from the forum this afternoon!! This is my second tantrum about husbands today!!!

Lonepiper - I don't think it possible for a man to see anything through the eyes of a women. Men are 2D, they see things at face value, there is garbage in the trash it can wait there is still a little more room in it. Not the trash might not be full but there is a smell, I should take it out. They tend to only see what is directly in front of there eyes, to except or even consider another's opinion is one I doubt most men can comprehend. As women we analyze things from different sides (most of us anyways) and try understand what everyone in the picture may get out of that scenario. We do not have to except or agree but we generally think about everyone's feelings.

I doubt any evolutionary event will happen anytime soon for men to relate more to what women feel.

I hope that made sense??? Brain seems a little off tonight, the pregnancy has been very very rough the past few days.

Here's another opinion from a second (trophy-haha) wife with 2 adult step-children.

I have no inlaws...mine are all deceased.

BUT, my husband has an ex-wife.

There will ALWAYS be 2 families. Ex-wife and her kids will always picture an intact family unit with my husband.

I will always picture an intact family unit with my husband and my 2 kids.

They have their events...graduations, weddings, etc.

We have our events...soccer, karate, graduations, etc.

They stay out of our business, and we stay out of theirs.

Any attempt to create one big family always makes someone mad or feel like a second class citizen.

Our estate planning treats everyone the same...they each receive 10% (4 kids total) and the rest goes to our respective colleges.

Since we developed this system, we can actually be cordial to each other.

Was this the arrangement when your stepchildren were minors? My stepdaugthers live with me full-time. They are absolutely wonderful girls. My problem does not lie with them, instead it's with my husband and his ex-wife thinking that I should go above and beyond to benefit THEM!

Hmmmm, here's a thought:

husband = anger and resentment
husband's ex-wife = anger and resentment
husband's children = happiness

Well there's something to ponder!!!

Hi, there

This arrangement began after the stepchildren left for college. There was always conflict regarding the "families"
prior to that time. There was always a push and pull with his kids and ex-wife. If we included them, we were being too pushy. If we didn't included them, we were being too exclusive. Now, it's better for everyone, and there is
no conflict.

Congratulations on having a good relationship with your husband's children.

lonepiper...I agree with you 100%. I am beginning to see alot of the problems on this board go back to a DH who is unsupportive and constantly disregards our feelings and opinions. We all go into marriage expecting a partner who will protect us and care for our feelings. Then, we end up with a partner who constantly defends or defers to an ex, and it feels like emotional infidelity. I am really beginning to believe that many times the problems aren't the SK's..they are just doing what they can get away with and haven't been taught to respect other people or property because their fathers were too scared or guilt ridden to teach them any better. The real problem is fathers who need to grow some..teach their children some boundaries....and concern themselves with ensuring the wives they chose feel loved and valued.

Sorry..my rant for the day!

Hi, Lafevem

What you are saying is true, but often the DH wants
to do the right thing, but needs someone to help
him and back him up.

There were times when I absolutely wanted to strangle my husband, because he always made excuses for his children's bad behavior, and rewarded their bad behavior.

Over time, he has developed more courage, and has learned that rewarding bad behavior only gets him more bad behavior.
For so long, he just hoped that it would work out.

He finally his his rock bottom with them when some really bad behavior prompted him to finally try some tough love, which worked beautiful, and probably saved our family.

If you can, hang with him. I'm glad I did.

We have been to several counselors, who all give my DH the advice that he has to be tougher and not allow his girls to walk all over him. He will leave the sessions fired up to have some backbone, but as soon as he puts his foot down and they refuse to come over, refuse to talk to him on the phone, etc. he backs down and we are back to the status quo or worse. I just don't say anything anymore about their behavior because I just got so sick of the empty promises. He will just have to learn the lesson like youd DH, southernsummer. I am just at a low point. Just lonely and disappointed. I will hang in there for the sake of my kids, and hope things will get better. Thank you for the encouragement..southernsummer.

Hi, Lafevem

Here's something that I learned when we were in your shoes:

At first, his stepkids manipulated him by actually saying things like: "If you don't (fill in the blank), I'm not coming over to see you any more". It would rock hubbie to the core. They could play him like a fiddle. When he would insist that they go with us on family vacations, they
delighted in making the week a disaster for all of us.

Finally when we quit pulling, they had nothing to push against. Tough Love.

When they would say things like: "I won't come skiing with you unless I can bring a friend".

We would say: "I'm sorry, we can't accommodate your needs.
Maybe you can come another time".

When they absolutely destroyed Christmas dinner in 2005 by cussing me at the table, we went to my parents house in another state for 2006.

We stopped rewarding bad behavior.

At this point, if they refused to come over, then too bad for them. If they refuse to talk on the phone, then no rewards for rude, bad behavior. The next time they ask for something, then the answer is "no" and remind them of how they acted on the phone.

Plan a trip to Disney World, or something else, even.
Then tell them that when they can learn some manners they can go on a nice trip...maybe next time.

Are there other children in the marriage?
Be sure that they are rewarded for good behavior.

Step-kids and kids for that matter are like puppies.
Reward good behavior, and punish bad behavior.
But absolutely, don't be manipulated by bad behavior. You
only get more bad behavior.

In the past, every time I went to one of their events at school, etc. I would be snubbed. So I stopped going.
Hubbie goes by himself, but if they were rude to him, he would stop going.

Your husband has more power than he thinks he does. He should use it. And the way to do it is not to insist they have a relationship with him. The way to do it is to back away when they are rude, and they have nothing to push against.

southernsummer...I completely agree with you. I have told my husband the same thing as have my in-laws, his siblings, everyone in our family. He just cannot find it within himself to stand up for himself. SD17 can call him up, totally cuss him out, call him every name in the book, and the next day, he will call her apologizing. It drives me insane. The last time this happened, I had had enough, so next time she was over, in polite conversation, I asked her if she cussed at BM the way she does her dad. She said, "no way". I said why not? She said because she knows BM would slap her face off. So I said, "So you cuss at your dad because you know he won't slap you?" and she said yeah. Now, I don't believe in slapping children across the face, but it proved my point. She talks to my DH that way because she knows there will be no consequences.
I have beat my head against the wall about this for 3 years. I have decided I can't do anything about it, and he is going to have to grow his own backbone. She typically isn't disrespectful to me because she knows that I won't take it, so it is up to my DH to demand respect for himself.
I also agree with what you said in another post...threatening to leave only works so many times...I think my DH doesn't believe I will ever really follow through with it, so that has no effect anymore.

You two ladies are awesome!! I don't even have to pour out what I'm thinking because you've already done it for me!! Thanks for understanding! I tend to bottle up and then rant and rave at the drop of a hat!!

Southernsummer: Your congratulations should be directed in my stepdaugthers' direction! They are great girls. I was completely out of my element (single and no children!!). They each took an arm and we moved forward learning from our mistakes along the way!! Through cooking, homework, discipline, etc!!

Hi, Piper

No ranting and raving. No hurt feelings.
Just calmy set boundaries and calmly stick to them.
You will be respected for it.

I don't know how many times I have said "I can't meet your needs. Maybe next time."

You wouldn't believe how it takes the stress off of
our marriage.

I did take hubbie a long time (8 years) to get to this
point, and it took lots of bad behavior along the day.
4 totalled cars, alcohol rehab, and a DUI finally put hubbie over the edge.

Tough love worked, and SS25 finally graduated from college
and is living on his own--has a good job with a future, not smoking, and not drinking. Actually asks to speak to me on the phone, asked to have a photo made with me after his graduation (which I didn't attend).

Hubbie is going to SD21's college next week for a "sit down" meeting to discuss her rudeness and bad behavior after she hung up on him last week. Hey, who are you, and what did you do with my formerly-spineless husband?

LOL!! The thing is, husbands are spineless when it comes to the kids and the ex-wife. Not when it comes to us, the second wife. They tend to be quite blunt then. I've finally come to the realization that I am the lowest person on the totem pole. No matter how rationale or sensible I am, no matter how much I give and compromise, I will always be in the wrong. My feelings do not matter, they may as well be nonexistent. I am a nonparticipant in my own life, except of course when it comes to smiling on command when the ex-wife wants to kick me in the stomach a few times, just for the fun of it! LOL!! Actually, as cartoonish as it sounds, that is a good illustration of what a second wife/stepmother is.

Nah, I think husbands are spineless when it comes to the new wife, at least if she is paying the bills. The kids and the ex-wife are at the bottom of the totem pole - it makes no difference if the husband has promised to see the kids, or promised to pay for something, even something specified in the divorce decree.

Well that doesn't make me feel any better... I contribute to paying the bills. DARN!! I'm a loser no matter which way you look at it then!!!

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but have you noticed that our situations are quite similar? Both have spineless husband/ex-husband. Just different people pulling the strings; mine is the ex-wife, yours is the new wife.

My husband does, however, assume full responsibility of the children, financially and otherwise. I have never had a problem with that, it is his job to take care of his children. I do have a problem with the fact that their mother does not feel that she needs to contribute anything, time or money, to her daughters, despite the specifics mentioned in the divorce decree. She has stated that since my husband and I make more combined money, as opposed to her single income status, she does not feel she needs to contribute to the children.

the otherside, I think you have it totally backwards. Men are usually puppets to their 1st wives while the current wife/girlfriend's feelings are ignored. Not to mention being scorned by the family in favor of the ex and being broke while the ex takes more than she needs for child support.

New wives/girlfriends get the s**t end of the stick and I can't be convinced otherwise. When the ex was in the picture she didn't have to deal with these issues. She had nothing to compete with. She didn't have to deal with somebody else's kids in her home and in-laws that resent her. She had him 100% The current wife/girlfriend gets leftovers.

More than she "needs" for child support?? A large percentage of mothers don't get anywhere near all the child support they were awarded. Can you actually tell me that the $33 dollars a week I got per child is more than I need? When school lunches alone take over a third of that?? (And, in my state, that is supposed to cover daycare too).

Sorry, I was having a bad day when I posted that. In this case the ex does get a significant amount of child support from him even though she makes more money than he does and the daughter lives with us 2-4 days a week. She also gets financial support from her family and his family (they love her and only recently stopped shunning me). She has a boyfriend that lives with her part-time and she basically supports him (with the help our our money if you think about it...)

She has the daughter enrolled in all kinds of activities like dance classes,swimming classes, cooking classes, etc. The daughter has lots of nice toys and clothes and goes to one of the best pre-schools around. She does not go without anything and is well loved and doted upon at both households. She is spoiled by both sets of grandparents, all the aunts and uncles, and even my own mother sometimes.

When my significant other lost his overtime at work his child support stayed the same. Then when he got laid off his child support stayed the same. When she got a new job and started making more money his child support stayed the same. When we got our heat turned off for non-payment his child support stayed the same.

We have 2.5 people living in our house but I pay 50% of everything while he pays someone else who makes more than him. That just doesn't sit well with me. We can't afford to pay our bills anymore and forget about ever taking a vacation or saving money.

When he was with his ex they had a savings account, took nice vacations and were looking into buying a house. We're broke.

There are other issues I won't bother going into here because it's too long and I guess I have some big decisions to make. He says he'll never get married or have more kids and I want those things. It feels so unfair to me that he did those things with someone else but won't do them with me. It's like someone else got it all and I'm getting nothing. But I have to accept a stepchild and an ex wife that will always be in our lives and I have no choice but to make sacrifices for them.

I love him and his daughter and I get along fine with his ex but I am clearly the least important person to him.

I just thought of something else that I forgot to add. their child support agreement (verbal, not legal) was made 3.5 years ago when their situations were much different. When they first separated he would only take his daughter for a few hours a couple of days a week and she lived with her mother full-time. After his 2 roommates moved out and I moved in his daughter started staying overnight with us. She has been giving her mother a hard time lately and is spending more time with us. It has increased from 1,2,3 to sometimes 4 nights a week. It is getting close to 50/50 now.

When they made that agreement he lived with 2 roommates so his expenses were less and he had a better paying job. And he didn't really support his daughter outside of the child support payments back then. He is making much less money now and his ex is making more. Now his daughter is living with us almost 50% of the time and my income helps to support her so why should either parent have to pay the other?

The reason I mentioned that I pay 50% of everything before is because for the 2 years that he lived here with 2 roommates he was was hardly ever home but they split things 3 ways anyway. Before I moved in with him he stayed over my house 5-6 nights a week basically living at my old place.

Now we have a 3rd person living with us half the time but I pay half of everything. It doesn't make sense if you think about it like that. If he had a roommate instead of a girlfriend they probably won't let someone stay for nothing and eat the food, use the electricity and hot water, etc.

And he won't even let me get a second cat!