Fiance's adult D just moved back in with us

15 years ago

My fiance and I are both in our late forties. He has two daughters, one 19 and the other 24; and I have no children. We have been together more than 10 years and I moved in to his home a few years ago. I got along well with both D's prior to the move; however, after the move my relationship with the oldest took a rapid decline. Before the move, their father told D's that they would no longer live like "animals" and that I was not to be the housekeeper. My furniture was virtually new and it was decided that it would come with me to his house.

The eldest D didn't like it that I wanted my possession treated with respect. She had previously ruined her dad's sofa by leaning her freshly dyed, hot-pink, wet hair on the fabric. Both D's were very rough and ruined some of my things. I bit my tongue for as long as I could and finally tried to talk to their father about it. He would speak to them, but things would quickly revert. I probably should have left then, and told him that he needed to finish raising his kids before asking someone to move in with him.

When her dad wasn't around, the oldest D would be rude to me, refusing to say hello when I came in from work, or she would just walk out of the room when I entered, leaving the television on or whatever she was doing. She acted like a five year old. I mentioned the behavior to her dad, he tried to resolve the situation, but eventually threw his hands in the air, saying that she was stubborn. He now felt frustrated and caught in the middle.

Fast forward to Spring '07. She moved out with her beau and signed a one year lease. Yippie! The tension in our house diminished and it was very nice. A couple of months ago we decided that we would marry this fall. About the same time D wanted to move back home. She and beau, who had a crappy job, were finding real world responsibilities challenging and they need cheaper rent. It was because they acquired five pets (four are hers) that they could not find a cheaper place to live. Her dad said she could move back home (beau went to his mom).

Fiance told me that he would charge her rent, that she had to keep her rodents in her room at all times, and that he was giving both she and her sister new house rules. D has been home one month, hasn't been charged rent, doesn't take care of rodents and house smells, doesn't pick up after her dog's messes, nor does she take care of it (food and water). She sends her dog outside to relieve himself when I am putting out my dog. She told dad the other day that we were "running out of milk". I'm feeling really used and offended by her entitled behavior. As an aside, she and beau suddenly have the money to take a one month European vacation - we watch the dog and a co-worker watches the rodents! Clearly dad needs to step up to the plate, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I am very frustrated and ready to cancel our marriage plans. I know if I do, we will end on a bitter note. Any suggestions of how I can adjust my attitude or speak to him without having him feel like he is in the middle? I don't think speaking with her is a good idea. Maybe this is a losing situation.

Sorry this was so long.

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Comments (9)

colleenoz
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Sorry to say, but I think if this has been the dynamic for years now it's unlikely to change. At this point I don't think Dad will EVER step up to the plate. You have to decide if you want to continue like this or not.
loridarlin
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You really need to cancel the wedding at least for now. Let me explain this best I can.
She is a grown woman weather she wants to act like it or not! She should be out living on her own not with you and you being nothing more than a maid in her eyes.
If you man really loved you and respected you he would see to it this was to stop. Marriage is 50/50. It can not work onesided at all. If you marry him now you will end up resenting him for the disrespect and lack of love you feel when he does nothing to correct the problem. I know I have been there.
Here is a question! How far would you go for him? ( LOOKS like to me you have shown him I mean you keep putting up with this crap right?!) Now as your self how far would he go for you! If your answer is I dont know you need to rethink the whole situation. He's made it clear from what you posted he will only go so far.......... "threw his hands up in the air" If he will not go that extra mile for you you dont need him or this drama. If it was me (just me) I'd move out untill he could show me he could go a lot farther. You deserve it!
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catlettuce
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Gerina, this has been my life the past seven yr.s-Get out NOW!! Run don't walk back to your own place.

Your fiance has shown you by his actions where you fall in the priorities and no it will NOT improve until they are out of the house for good and as we both know you never know if it's for good...

My DH never wants to be the baddie either, so he leaves it for me and then it makes our relationship even more strained. My life consists of going to work, having the house to myself for a hr or so then I stay in our bedroom or my workshop the rest of the night.

They want the big screen TV in the living room DH brought for me, to watch their sports etc.., if I don't give it up I'm a bad guy, fine whatever. I don't mind occasionally but I do mind every night.

You'll get no say in your own household because the *children* even if they are adults will come first, always.

I have had to deal with this scenario my whole marriage, DH doesn't even let me know prior that they are coming, just they're moving in, blah, blah, blah then off to work out of town he goes leaving me to deal with everything!

Do not marry this man, you will be in for a world of heartache. I'm sorry, wish I could tell you otherwise, but I also wish I knew of this board & someone had told me what I was going to be in for too.

My husband has many fine qualities as a man, but he does not have the ability to say no or put any boundaries on his adult kids at all. Your man sounds eerily similar..

Do yourself a favor and move out back into your own place, even "temporarily" for now and just see how you feel about living like this after a month or two.

That's what I'm doing, I'm taking a travel job and leaving DH to deal with it all like he does me.

Hugs..
stargazzer
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree, if he can't change his daughter's now, he never will. Do not marry this man and never move in with anyone, have them move into your home. If he moved into your home/apartment you could set the ground rules, but not in his. My step daughter always moved in with partners and she was always the one evicted and ended up with no home to go to. Multiple rejections would wear me down.
stepmom40
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Gerina and catlettuce,

I feel your pain, I continuously deal with intrusive adult step children that refuse to live their own lives.

"You'll get no say in your own household because the children* even if they are adults will come first, always." This quote is the most accurate thing I have seen posted on this forum.

I was blasted when I posted my concerns and unhappiness, being accused of being jealous and needing help. People not in that situation do not understand how it truly difficult it is.

My SD and her two small children lived with us for a while three months after my husband and I were married. Not to mention my SS popped up the night we got back from our honeymoon and stayed for a while.

Having to deal with this is hard whether your relationship is new or having been in place for a while, particularly when the SC have no respect for you or your newfound place in their father's life.

My SD sat on her butt the entire time she lived with us. She cooked maybe two nights a week, other than that...she did nothing but talk on the phone (to her mother) watch tv and play video games while her children ran amuck tearing up the house while I was at work. She didnt even apply for any aid for her or her children. My daughter has a vehicle and took her anywhere she wanted to go, but for some reason it never occured to her that she might need to get on food stamps, etc.

My two teenage children where home, as it was summer and she constatnly met her father at the door when he would get off of work to inform him of what my children were doing wrong. Everynight I was hit in the face with accusations and stories from my husband that had be relayed to him by his daughter.

When she finally reconciled with her boyfriend (who threatened to kill her) she left to spend the weekend with him and didnt return. She left the room she was using torn completely apart. Clothing on the floor and the beds and trash everywhere. She didnt call to let her father know that she was fine or what was going for one month.

What really stings the most, I tried to make them comfortable by buying them items and taking them places so that their lives would be better and I was never once even told thank you. When I expressed my hurt feelings to my husband, I was disregarded.

I have loaned her and her boyfirend money to pay for the children's christmas, bought school supplies for the children and to this day it is totally unappreciated.

I have to be honest, I wish I had known more prior to the marriage. I love him with all of my heart but I never dreamed that the things that have transpired would. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatium and hold him to it. You do not deserve this and need to finally get this situation in hand.

Good luck!
sunnygardenerme
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with all the posters on this post. Adult children can never do any wrong in the eyes of their divorced blood parents. They mingle in their bio-parents affairs that do effect the bio parent's spouse, however, the bio-parent's spouse is never even considered. The SC ask or requests things that involve or effect the bio parent, however, don't think how they would feel if it was happening to them. I am totally fed up with my adult step children they are self centered, disrespectful brats! For them it is all about "me,me, me, me." Their dad is to blame also putting ADULT children before his wife and marriage. DH never takes his wife's feelings into account. He only thinks in terms of his Adult children's needs, turning his children into self centered, financially needy, rude children.
finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
sunnygarden, you generalize here. let's say some adult children interfer in parents relationships. not all of them.

it seems that adult children like to run dads' lives not as much as moms. or at least they aren't as succesful.

Adult DD (26) of my SO made attempts to run BM's life but BM didn't let her. So now SD does not talk to mom. ha. And yes it is all about me me me. She also makes sure that dad or mom do not do too much for younger DD. She is jealous of younger sister. how ridicilous.

and the last thing she said that she wants SO to retire and move in with her so he can watch her kids when she works(she does not have kids and isn't even married and SO has no plans to retire and has no plans to live with his daughter). hmmm

in a way i am glad she lives out of state.
finedreams
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
a month in Europe? now when dollar is low? I spent a week in Europe this year visiting and came back BROKE. And I make OK money. ha They cannot afford to have their own place and yet can go to Europe for a month! Once again sounds like older SD. Cannot afford to buy her own airplane ticket dad has to pay for it) but can afford to shop for designer clothes. what is up with adult daughters?
newstepmom
15 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
If DH isn't willing to set boundaries with daughter, you need to ask yourself an important question:

Do you feel like being a second class citizen in your own home? If you don't, don't marry.

Fiance's adult D just moved back in with us

Comments (9)

colleenoz

loridarlin

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