Fiance's adult D just moved back in with us

18 years ago

My fiance and I are both in our late forties. He has two daughters, one 19 and the other 24; and I have no children. We have been together more than 10 years and I moved in to his home a few years ago. I got along well with both D's prior to the move; however, after the move my relationship with the oldest took a rapid decline. Before the move, their father told D's that they would no longer live like "animals" and that I was not to be the housekeeper. My furniture was virtually new and it was decided that it would come with me to his house.

The eldest D didn't like it that I wanted my possession treated with respect. She had previously ruined her dad's sofa by leaning her freshly dyed, hot-pink, wet hair on the fabric. Both D's were very rough and ruined some of my things. I bit my tongue for as long as I could and finally tried to talk to their father about it. He would speak to them, but things would quickly revert. I probably should have left then, and told him that he needed to finish raising his kids before asking someone to move in with him.

When her dad wasn't around, the oldest D would be rude to me, refusing to say hello when I came in from work, or she would just walk out of the room when I entered, leaving the television on or whatever she was doing. She acted like a five year old. I mentioned the behavior to her dad, he tried to resolve the situation, but eventually threw his hands in the air, saying that she was stubborn. He now felt frustrated and caught in the middle.

Fast forward to Spring '07. She moved out with her beau and signed a one year lease. Yippie! The tension in our house diminished and it was very nice. A couple of months ago we decided that we would marry this fall. About the same time D wanted to move back home. She and beau, who had a crappy job, were finding real world responsibilities challenging and they need cheaper rent. It was because they acquired five pets (four are hers) that they could not find a cheaper place to live. Her dad said she could move back home (beau went to his mom).

Fiance told me that he would charge her rent, that she had to keep her rodents in her room at all times, and that he was giving both she and her sister new house rules. D has been home one month, hasn't been charged rent, doesn't take care of rodents and house smells, doesn't pick up after her dog's messes, nor does she take care of it (food and water). She sends her dog outside to relieve himself when I am putting out my dog. She told dad the other day that we were "running out of milk". I'm feeling really used and offended by her entitled behavior. As an aside, she and beau suddenly have the money to take a one month European vacation - we watch the dog and a co-worker watches the rodents! Clearly dad needs to step up to the plate, but he doesn't want to be the bad guy.

I am very frustrated and ready to cancel our marriage plans. I know if I do, we will end on a bitter note. Any suggestions of how I can adjust my attitude or speak to him without having him feel like he is in the middle? I don't think speaking with her is a good idea. Maybe this is a losing situation.

Sorry this was so long.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (9)

colleenoz
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Sorry to say, but I think if this has been the dynamic for years now it's unlikely to change. At this point I don't think Dad will EVER step up to the plate. You have to decide if you want to continue like this or not.
loridarlin
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You really need to cancel the wedding at least for now. Let me explain this best I can.
She is a grown woman weather she wants to act like it or not! She should be out living on her own not with you and you being nothing more than a maid in her eyes.
If you man really loved you and respected you he would see to it this was to stop. Marriage is 50/50. It can not work onesided at all. If you marry him now you will end up resenting him for the disrespect and lack of love you feel when he does nothing to correct the problem. I know I have been there.
Here is a question! How far would you go for him? ( LOOKS like to me you have shown him I mean you keep putting up with this crap right?!) Now as your self how far would he go for you! If your answer is I dont know you need to rethink the whole situation. He's made it clear from what you posted he will only go so far.......... "threw his hands up in the air" If he will not go that extra mile for you you dont need him or this drama. If it was me (just me) I'd move out untill he could show me he could go a lot farther. You deserve it!
Related Discussions
Propagating 'adult' Basil plants; best way to move forward?
Q
Comments (2)
After trimming one of the plants at the soil line for propagation, I will leave one adult plant in each pot. Do you think that leaving the roots of the other plant to "rot" in the soil is a bad idea? Or will this decomposition help the other plant?
...See More
I don't want to live with my fiance's daughter.
Q
Comments (41)
I think it's wrong for him to make such a drastic financial decision without your vote too. i think it's wrong for him to make such a life changing decision without you feeling comfortable with it. I think him being a clean freak and not putting his foot down on her disgusting habits is absolutely disrespectful towards you.. especially since you are the one cleaning it up. If he is the absolute love of your life and you think you can't live without him, then i would suggest (and maybe this is crazy) getting a house with a connected inlaw suite situation and putting her in it!Maybe then you can have "family time" when it is right for you. i know i will get criticized on that one.. ok it does sound crazy lol..but this child doesn't seem too concerned with anyone else, does she? Kids aren't stupid. They know what they're doing.If you can afford it, get her counseling and keep her busy with summer programs. In the long run, kids like a little discipline and order, whether they realize it or not. You've got to start all over with this girl and decide to make her new upbringing a project you both agree to or.. well.. RUN!!! The only reason i'm not starting my input out with "RUN!!!" is because i live with my boyfriend and he is the sweetest, warmest, kindest boyfriend ever. However, when his girls disrespect me he puts his foot down because he knows i'm taking on alot. They are over every other weekend and the only reason i am taking on this situation (not wanting kids AT ALL)is because he deserves my love and attention. He is all the things most women crave in a boyfriend and i love him dearly. We have a great relationship, so i put up with life being not what i planned on. Having said that, if we were to break up, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I WOULD DATE SOMEONE WHO HAD KIDS, unless they were adults and out of the house and normal and excessively kind to me. i stopped mid way through your story and said a prayer for you.. and i'm not even religious. If he can't make this situation easier for you, and you still want to see him, then do so, from the luxury of your own clean, dreamy place. If he can't compromise, let him clean up his own mess. We've got to stop supporting men who can't support the things we hold dear.
...See More
Adult SD, move out date, DH stalling, etc.
Q
Comments (34)
Well, you certainly have been vocal about enjoying your adult kids at home and I can certainly relate. My own family would be easy for me to tolerate - they've never mistreated me or mine and if they ever did get moody, I'd have no problem speaking my mind. And, in my old age, I really hope my dear sons do come back home after college. I'd love it! I hope we'll always be close as my parents and I have always been close. And, if I ever do need something in my advancing years, I wouldn't be holding my breath waiting on my skids to help out - it just isn't their thing. It will be MY family who has always been there for me and who I can count on - hopefully, my sons will be of a similar mind to me and not of the thinking that my skids have - they're selfish, spoiled and have a huge sense of entitlement. I pray they mature and grow out of that stage, but I haven't really seen signs of that happening. My youngest's b-day is Thurs. and she said, "I'm gonna take you to Toys 'R Us and buy you a big dinosaur!" Meanwhile, my oldest (turned 7 a month ago) is still waiting for his trip there, also promised, but never delivered though she did decorate a little on his b-day w/ balloons that I had around. He asked me when she was going to take him and I just said for him not to ask her again as I guess she forgot and it isn't polite to keep asking. Not sure what else to do here. When my friends had a surprise shower for me, neither SD brought so much as a card. Christmas? Nothing for me or the boys again. Do you see a pattern? And, before you ask, yes, I shop for them, but what I buy is usually returned. One year, I bought the younger one 8 different things FROM HER LIST and every single one slowly but surely was returned. She would ask for the receipt, then had my DH ask for the last ones as I guess she felt embarrassed or something. If my nephews, cousin, sons or someone from my family didn't let me know about dinner, coming home, etc, I'd have no problem not accommodating them or calling their cell phones at midnight to find out where they were. W/ this one, it's a toss up and I am uncomfortable if she isn't home and it's late - worried about an accident. It was the same crap when my SS lived w/ us. Frankly, I haven't MUCH time alone at all and just want to have my immediate family living in the house I built for them. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish to you. I thought this was a forum in which to seek support and vent out our frustrations. I'm sick of houseguests, permanent or temporary, and the lack of consideration that goes along w/ them. As I'm sure I mentioned somewhere, a one bed. apt, as one of my assts. rents in a nice area, goes for $800/mo. My asst. makes nowhere near what my SD makes. My steps could either share a room and let the younger SD's bf have the second bedroom of the rental (which I wish was just rented to some stranger at this point) or, let the younger SD and her bf have the master and this SD have the secondary bedroom. I could get close to $2000/m, but wouldn't be comfortable upping the rent from what I rented to my current tenant, so it will stay where it was. I think I've done my time w/ my steps: the thanks I got from the son was shafting me on the student loan I cosigned for him foolishly, paying his car to this day - though my DH finally got it back, we can't get rid of it in the condition and w/ the miles he left it, and we still pay his cell, hoping to keep a line of communication open which has not been the case for 3 years. I don't want to hold his faults against this SD, but so many things are similar, not that I'd be stupid enough to ever sign another note. I can't change who I am, and I do worry at night when it's late and the steps aren't home. Last night, this one was out til 11:00 this morning. Was I told? No. There are accidents here every day and night on the news - don't tell me not to worry 'cause I do. I had a head-on collision in my late 20's and if my mom wasn't the worrier she is, I might have died waiting on help as I suffered a pneumothorax from a driver who fell asleep and hit me as I was coming home from residency late one night. But, I was responsible and if I wasn't home when I was supposed to be and didn't call, my parents knew something was wrong. Last night, I had confirmation for my CCD class and my oldest son had a b-day party to attend so my SD babysat the younger two for the hour between me leaving and my husband returning. It's the second time in 5+ months that she helped out. When I returned, I said to my husband that we ought to grab a quick dinner alone and she quickly stormed out, "I'm going OUT in 45 min, so if you're going, you better make it quick!" I didn't say anything, just went upstairs and changed. It's not that I didn't appreciate her helping out, but it's the entire attitude she has that is on my nerves. BTW, all of the interior doors in this house were to have the same little wrench that opens them that we planned to keep above the door frames for each bedroom. But, my 4 y.o.'s and the guest room are the only ones that got them. I'm not one who locks her bedroom door, but after having her barge through on Good Friday thinking I wasn't home, I guess I should. Do you think that is OK to do w/ the excuse that she didn't realize I was in there? I guess I'm being unreasonable again? Sorry, but I disagree and now wonder what the heck she was doing in there and how often she did it! Dana
...See More
refuse adult stepchild to move home?
Q
Comments (96)
This may be a HELLA OLD post, but I stumbled upon it after doing a search about what to do with my very difficult, spoiled & entitled acting 20 yr old step-daughter...normally, I'd never reply, but a post from "theotherside" really caught my attention. It was this: "The stepmothers CHOSE to be in the position they are in. If they did not realize how hard it was going to be, it is because they didn't do enough research, and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love. On the other hand, the biological mother who is now forced to deal with her child having a stepmother had no choice in the matter, especially in those many cases where the father, not the biological mother, chose to divorce." Theotherside, not only do you sound very much like you are CHOKING on sour grapes, you sound INSANE. Yes, step-mothers choose to marry a man with a child, but they DO NOT chose to be disrespected in their home by your brats. Which is the feel I am getting for any child you have, I'm almost 100% certain you have done you're best to "poison the well" against your kids stepmom because by your own admission, you didn't want a divorce so I'm positive that you weren't thrilled when your ex-husband remarried. It's not exactly hard to see why your husband left you, you keep going on & on about you not choosing a stepmom for your kids or wanting a divorce, you quote statistics, spout nonsense facts, all without facing up to your part in the dissolution of your marriage. It takes 2 to fall in love, but unfortunately it doesn't take 2 to fall out. There are usually signs before it happens, but you have to pay attention. Not bury your head & try to ignore it. Your husband divorced you, get over it. Or was the divorce no fault of your own? Were you so perfect that you can be considered blameless? I doubt it... Face up to the realities of your situation & your shortcomings and more than likely, share of personal responsibility for WHY the divorce happened & you might begin to understand the HOW of why you divorced in the first place. The only thing you got right? Yes, stepmom choose to fall in love, even to men with kids, even to men that have a painful history, with a POISONOUS ex like you... One cannot "do enough research" on love or raising kids...it's not possible, these types of situations are learn as you go, like on the job training...there is no way to train to be a perfect parent or wife, but you can try to be a better person, which is advice I wish you would take. Because you sound like a miserable, awful human being. I do feel very, very sorry for your children's step mother I'm certain you make her life absolute hell.
...See More
catlettuce
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Gerina, this has been my life the past seven yr.s-Get out NOW!! Run don't walk back to your own place.

Your fiance has shown you by his actions where you fall in the priorities and no it will NOT improve until they are out of the house for good and as we both know you never know if it's for good...

My DH never wants to be the baddie either, so he leaves it for me and then it makes our relationship even more strained. My life consists of going to work, having the house to myself for a hr or so then I stay in our bedroom or my workshop the rest of the night.

They want the big screen TV in the living room DH brought for me, to watch their sports etc.., if I don't give it up I'm a bad guy, fine whatever. I don't mind occasionally but I do mind every night.

You'll get no say in your own household because the *children* even if they are adults will come first, always.

I have had to deal with this scenario my whole marriage, DH doesn't even let me know prior that they are coming, just they're moving in, blah, blah, blah then off to work out of town he goes leaving me to deal with everything!

Do not marry this man, you will be in for a world of heartache. I'm sorry, wish I could tell you otherwise, but I also wish I knew of this board & someone had told me what I was going to be in for too.

My husband has many fine qualities as a man, but he does not have the ability to say no or put any boundaries on his adult kids at all. Your man sounds eerily similar..

Do yourself a favor and move out back into your own place, even "temporarily" for now and just see how you feel about living like this after a month or two.

That's what I'm doing, I'm taking a travel job and leaving DH to deal with it all like he does me.

Hugs..
stargazzer
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree, if he can't change his daughter's now, he never will. Do not marry this man and never move in with anyone, have them move into your home. If he moved into your home/apartment you could set the ground rules, but not in his. My step daughter always moved in with partners and she was always the one evicted and ended up with no home to go to. Multiple rejections would wear me down.
stepmom40
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Gerina and catlettuce,

I feel your pain, I continuously deal with intrusive adult step children that refuse to live their own lives.

"You'll get no say in your own household because the children* even if they are adults will come first, always." This quote is the most accurate thing I have seen posted on this forum.

I was blasted when I posted my concerns and unhappiness, being accused of being jealous and needing help. People not in that situation do not understand how it truly difficult it is.

My SD and her two small children lived with us for a while three months after my husband and I were married. Not to mention my SS popped up the night we got back from our honeymoon and stayed for a while.

Having to deal with this is hard whether your relationship is new or having been in place for a while, particularly when the SC have no respect for you or your newfound place in their father's life.

My SD sat on her butt the entire time she lived with us. She cooked maybe two nights a week, other than that...she did nothing but talk on the phone (to her mother) watch tv and play video games while her children ran amuck tearing up the house while I was at work. She didnt even apply for any aid for her or her children. My daughter has a vehicle and took her anywhere she wanted to go, but for some reason it never occured to her that she might need to get on food stamps, etc.

My two teenage children where home, as it was summer and she constatnly met her father at the door when he would get off of work to inform him of what my children were doing wrong. Everynight I was hit in the face with accusations and stories from my husband that had be relayed to him by his daughter.

When she finally reconciled with her boyfriend (who threatened to kill her) she left to spend the weekend with him and didnt return. She left the room she was using torn completely apart. Clothing on the floor and the beds and trash everywhere. She didnt call to let her father know that she was fine or what was going for one month.

What really stings the most, I tried to make them comfortable by buying them items and taking them places so that their lives would be better and I was never once even told thank you. When I expressed my hurt feelings to my husband, I was disregarded.

I have loaned her and her boyfirend money to pay for the children's christmas, bought school supplies for the children and to this day it is totally unappreciated.

I have to be honest, I wish I had known more prior to the marriage. I love him with all of my heart but I never dreamed that the things that have transpired would. If I were you, I would give him an ultimatium and hold him to it. You do not deserve this and need to finally get this situation in hand.

Good luck!
sunnygardenerme
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I agree with all the posters on this post. Adult children can never do any wrong in the eyes of their divorced blood parents. They mingle in their bio-parents affairs that do effect the bio parent's spouse, however, the bio-parent's spouse is never even considered. The SC ask or requests things that involve or effect the bio parent, however, don't think how they would feel if it was happening to them. I am totally fed up with my adult step children they are self centered, disrespectful brats! For them it is all about "me,me, me, me." Their dad is to blame also putting ADULT children before his wife and marriage. DH never takes his wife's feelings into account. He only thinks in terms of his Adult children's needs, turning his children into self centered, financially needy, rude children.
finedreams
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
sunnygarden, you generalize here. let's say some adult children interfer in parents relationships. not all of them.

it seems that adult children like to run dads' lives not as much as moms. or at least they aren't as succesful.

Adult DD (26) of my SO made attempts to run BM's life but BM didn't let her. So now SD does not talk to mom. ha. And yes it is all about me me me. She also makes sure that dad or mom do not do too much for younger DD. She is jealous of younger sister. how ridicilous.

and the last thing she said that she wants SO to retire and move in with her so he can watch her kids when she works(she does not have kids and isn't even married and SO has no plans to retire and has no plans to live with his daughter). hmmm

in a way i am glad she lives out of state.
finedreams
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
a month in Europe? now when dollar is low? I spent a week in Europe this year visiting and came back BROKE. And I make OK money. ha They cannot afford to have their own place and yet can go to Europe for a month! Once again sounds like older SD. Cannot afford to buy her own airplane ticket dad has to pay for it) but can afford to shop for designer clothes. what is up with adult daughters?
newstepmom
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
If DH isn't willing to set boundaries with daughter, you need to ask yourself an important question:

Do you feel like being a second class citizen in your own home? If you don't, don't marry.

Fiance's adult D just moved back in with us

Comments (9)

colleenoz

loridarlin

Related Discussions

catlettuce

stargazzer

stepmom40

sunnygardenerme

finedreams

finedreams

newstepmom

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US