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thurman_gw

refuse adult stepchild to move home?

thurman
16 years ago

Hi folks~

A few weeks ago, my 27 year old stepdaughter was having some trouble on her job. She told her mother she was seriously contemplating quitting (she lives in a different state) and coming home to live with us. Given how long it would take her to get on her feet, find a place, etc., we're looking at six months minimum but more like 12 months or more. After a few days, however, things picked up a bit on her job and she is feeling better about it. Crisis averted, for now.

But it got me to thinking. If she did want to come home, could I refuse? How hard can a stepparent push on this?

I struggle, and our marriage really suffers, when my s/d is here for a 1 or 2 week visit. If she came home to live for months, I don't think I could survive it, and neither could our marriage.

But my wife is so devoted to her daughter that she cannot accept that. My s/d has a wonderful bio-Dad who would love to have her...but my wife would not have that either.

I feel like I was a good stepparent for 15 years, while my wife had near 100% custody except for a week or two here and there. when my s/d left for college and now for her job, it really changed my life. No more competition, jealousy, disrespect, meanness, fighting with my wife, etc. I'm healthier, our marriage is better, and so on. To put it bluntly, when my s/d is gone, I feel like a Dad and a wife (we have a teenage son, our own bio-child). It feels like the "family" I've always wanted. It has been a great 8 years. In my heart, I know I cannot go back.

Has anyone out there ever been able to convince their partner not to allow their adult child to live at home? Or is that relationship suicide?

Just worried that I may be faced with this...

Comments (96)

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It doesn't sound to me like this has anything to do with discipline. Normal teenagers do not attack little children. You don't need to punish them to keep them from doing so. My kids argue with each other, and as they were growing up occasionally one of them would hit another - but it was almost always with the next youngest or oldest child in the family. If I had joint legal custody of a child who was that violent, I would get her help.

    But the other things you mentioned - not cleaning up, being rude - if people kicked their kids out for that stuff, almost all teenagers would be out on the street.

  • june0000
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Unless I missed it somewhere, I don't think Plastic kicked her SD out - she doesn't want her to move in. What kind of a mother would she be if she allowed someone who has proven to be violent and abusive to move into her home and possibly hurt her child?

    And it is not Plastic's fault her SD has obvious behavior problems. She didn't raise her.

    As for the subject on an adult SC moving in and SM's not having the "right" to say no, when I woke up this morning, we are still living in a free country and we have legal rights as well as civil rights.

    As a joint owner of my home, I have rights and DH as joint owner has rights. If Adult SC's names are not on the deed, then they have no rights to the home as long as the legal owners are living and depending upon how the deed is worded, adult SC may have no rights to the home if their parent dies and stepparent survives.

    It makes common sense to me that if an adult SC wishes to keep their options open about moving in with their parent and stepparent, they might wish to treat the SP in a decent manner to ensure they are welcome.

    If they act the way Colleen has described (and it is exactly what I get a frequent dose of), then they aren't going to be welcome.

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  • imamommy
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    June, I agree with everything you say, except I would add that it really doesn't matter if the house is only deeded to dad. If his wife or GF lives there with him, even if she's not on the deed, it's still her house because she lives there. The kids should never be allowed to make someone feel like an outsider or intruder in their own house. (rented or owned)

    and TOS, if you want to allow your children (teenagers) to live under your roof and not clean up or be rude, go ahead. In my house, I let my teenagers know that if they don't keep it clean and if they are rude (to me or DH) that my legal obligation to house them ends when they are 18. I love them and don't want them to leave, but I also don't want to live with rude slobs. My older son (he's going to be 21 next month) decided to leave at 18 and he's struggled all the way, but he has refused to abide by the rules. I've allowed him to come back three times, and he's back now considering a fourth. I'm not going to back down on my rules because he might end up sleeping under a bridge. I don't want him to do that, but he has a nice warm bed if he can keep it clean, be respectful and work (or go to school). His brother is 18 and doing it.

    We may not be able to kick them out when they are minors but they have to realize that their bad behavior is unacceptable and a day will come when we no longer have to put up with it.

  • june0000
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Ima,

    I'm going to duck for you on the issue of gf living in Dad's house :).

    I understand where you're coming from and you won't hear any arguments from me. I do agree that no one should ever be allowed to make someone feel like an intruder in their own home.

    On the deed issue, though, there are some very important elements from a legal standpoint. In the event of the death of DH, if spouse is not on deed (as a tenant in common), a SC may be able to claim a portion of the home.

    I do unfortunately know a woman whose father died and her SM (father's wife for 35+ years) was not on the deed to the house. SD couldn't wait for the 80 year-old+ woman to die to get the whole house.

    The 80 year-old SM was forced to sell her house to pay off SD. SD then went and had a face lift with the proceeds.

    I would encourage every SM to know exactly how the deed to the home is worded and talk to a title attorney, if needed. It may be your house and DH's house while DH is living, but who can make a claim to it if he dies?

    In some cases, it may be desired that children have a claim to a portion of the home and that SM would move if DH dies. But that might not be what Dad and SM wants.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My X has agreed to give house to DD when she is out of college and then he will be close to retirement age and will retire to apartment. It is a big house. She says I can move in with her, I said no need, but will be clsoe.

  • lonepiper
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "When I first moved into our house, my oldest kids were not living at home. They didn't refer to it as home - understandable, since they had to ask for directions when they came home for the holidays - but it still made me sad. Only after they had moved back home did they start referring to it as home. I hope all my kids always think of it as home."

    Theotherside: Wherever my mom is, that's home to me!! It's not a structure that gives me the "home" feeling, it's her. You seem very close to your children. I would bet they feel the same way. Its YOU that makes a house feel like home.

    Thurman, in regards to your post, if it were me I would talk to my spouse and lay it all out - how you feel your relationship changes when your stepdaughter is present, how you feel like you don't belong, etc. Don't place blame on your stepdaughter because your wife will automatically attack like the momma bear she is and you will feel more left out. I would talk about MY feelings and worries. She loves her daughter but she loves you too and she wouldn't want you to feel insignificant and unloved. Just remember that it goes both ways...you want her to sympathize and understand your feelings on the topic, but be prepared to sympathize and understand the position she is in as well. If she is willing to compromise and change for you, are you willing to compromise and change for her? Someone has to take the first step in the right direction...

  • colleen777
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "But the other things you mentioned - not cleaning up, being rude - if people kicked their kids out for that stuff, almost all teenagers would be out on the street."

    I have spent a lot of time around children step, bio, friends who are messy and rude and HEY, not really a big deal. You can work with them to coach them into being more responsible in those areas.

    BUT, when you get a REAL HIT of VENOM from any person including a stepchild you will vividly remember it. It is obvious MotherTheOther you have never experienced that kind of vicious attack or you wouldn't say what you say. And make no mistake, because you haven't experience that venom has nothing to do with your belief that you are a better mother.

    And more importantly are you going to tell me those children are just mysteriously hateful and that it has nothing to do with biomom's head games? Because if that is what you think boy do I have some stories to tell you.

  • june0000
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    BUT, when you get a REAL HIT of VENOM from any person including a stepchild you will vividly remember it.

    Yes, I agree!

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    All of these supposedly venomous stepchildren have just as many paternal as maternal genes, and most of them have been at least partially raised by their fathers. You wouldn't buy a dog or a horse whose previous offspring were vicious or displayed other major negative traits - why would you marry a man under the same circumstances?

  • plasticgarden
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thank you June for explaining for me.
    No I did not kick out my SD.We were going to have her move in.We were giving it a trial run for the summer a year or so ago.
    It was during that time that my SD started hitting my daughter.I was also the sole person left in charge of her,as Dh works.
    I became scared for myself and my daughter when her behavior became abusive.
    I never suggested Dh disapline her,but do something more then just "talk to her" about it.
    Dh's hands were tied as far as getting Sd help,as he was not yet Legal guardian.There were too many loose ends in the legal aspect keeping Dh from getting her help.Including the fact that Sd's uncle had legal Power of attorney over her.
    So it was my wish that she not move in at that time.

    As far as the venomous stepchildren belonging to both parents...Two loving stable people can have a disturbed child without it coming from either parent.And sometimes if there are negative traits in a mate, people dont generally see it right away until it's too late.

    Such is the situation with my Dh's ex.As he found out his ex's mom had severe mental illness.

    Furthermore,the post isnt about kicking anyone out.It's about preventing an adult from moving in and causing problems.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Mental illness doesn't come from nowhere. While it is true that two "normal" parents can have a disturbed child, there is usually a genetic component - often recessive. One would think from reading here that it is always the mother's fault - either genetically or due to her child raising techniques. It is just as often the father's fault - though fault doesn't really apply when you are talking about genetics.

  • imamommy
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    thank you for explaining that to us...

    it changes my entire opinion of you and explains a lot. Thanks

  • colleen777
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "There were 111 children killed by their genetic mothers, 86 killed by their genetic fathers, 16 killed by their stepmothers, 62 killed by their stepfathers, ...

    Give your head a shake TOS. Look up the stats.

    Being a stepmother is a raw deal. The myths are true; you are the evil one and even if youve never had a history of biting the heads off of baby birdies, you will be pigeon-holed until you develop a taste for blood.

    LetÂs all ignore the fact that 55% of convicted child murderers are the biological mother and thatÂs not taking into account infanticide.

    ThereÂs really no mention of a stepmother abusing her poor little stepchildrenÂunless, of course, you read fairy tales, view Disney and Little Golden Books as serious scientific studies. Then, weÂre screwed.

  • colleen777
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I would love to see you accept that there are some real nasty biomoms out there who have noone elses interests in their hearts other than their own.

    You are addicted to "having to be right." If you have to be in control, learning and intimacy are impossible. If you have to be right and arrogant, then partnership is impossible. If you have to be pessimistic, then innovation and creativity are difficult. Your have to be's, which some would call ego, keep you from living fully and are also the source of your discontent.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think TOS is a hardworking woman doing a great job raising kids on her own.

    As to murderers etc., I think severe mental illness, such that would result in murder, is very rare. As evidence by the numbers. I think more common is where people just dont like each other, etc.

    And if we want to start attacking people, why are you so angry Colleen?

  • plasticgarden
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "One would think from reading here that it is always the mother's fault - either genetically or due to her child raising techniques."

    Of course one would think that from reading these forums! because it is mostly stepmothers who are having problems that are posting here.People who arent having problems with the biomom or step kids obviously dont feel a need to ask for advice.

    While I dont have a problem with you or KKNY posting here,I'm still not sure any of us understand WHY you do because you arent in a "step" situation and dont need help or advice.
    Of course you are going to think a certain way about the stepmoms posting here,because you are only seeing them from ONE ANGLE,which during hard times may not seem very flattering.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Because so many here see things through one angle -- the perfect stepmother. Even is she is dating dad while he is still married, she is still so perfect. And moms care about chldren.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    plasticgarden,

    The point is not that I am surprised that the posters here are having problems - I agree that if everything were hunky-dory, they wouldn't be posting, but that they invariably blame the mother or the child for the problems, never themselves and only rarely the father. And when they do blame the father, it is not usually because they thought he did a bad job raising them, or because they inherited some kind of pathology from him, but merely because the father fails to discipline because of guilt - though they never explain why the fathers would feel guilty because it is almost always the mother who left the marriage, if you can believe what is posted.

    colleen,

    I have no idea why you are discussing murders by stepparents, because as far as I know that topic had not been discussed in this thread. However, if the numbers you quoted are true, that doesn't look so good for stepparents, especially stepfathers. Even though children spend far more time with their biological parents, and many, many children don't even have stepparents, the ratio of murders by stepfathers to murders by fathers is very high - 3:4. Even the ratio of murders by stepmothers to those by mothers is quite high, considering children spend even more time with mothers than with fathers, on average, and considering the fact that many of those murders by mothers are perinatal, which typically have very different causes than do murders at a later age.

    The statistical risk of murder and physical assault by a stepfather is disturbingly high, especially the risk to infants and toddlers. The risk by mothers' boyfriends is even higher.

  • imamommy
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    plastic,

    I'm sure that their goal in being here, even though they have no idea what it means to be a step parent, is to represent the bio parent. What they don't realize, is that by their bitter, angry or jealous attitude that is within their messages, they are supporting the point of the step parent's that come here to vent, complain or seek advice about the evil bio parent in their life.

    When I read a message from either of them, it only reinforces that bio parents can be bitter, angry and jealous. I know not all of them are, but the ones on here that represent them are really doing them a disservice. What they fail to realize, the majority of step parents are also bio parents as well.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    How many threads start with "would you do it again [the answer is generally no]" " i hate my SD" etc.

    It seems that many SMs want respect, but no responsibility. I think that is wrong.

  • plasticgarden
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I dont think all step mothers think they are perfect.I know I'm not.It may seem that way to you when alot of posts are about how hard a stepmom feels she has tried and that either the step kid(s) or biomom is still giving them a hard time.
    Put yourself in the position.Let's say you had a relationship with your ex husband's wife.We all know that will never happen,but let's just say.And let's say you tried so hard to be nice and accomadating and she was only rude and manipulative and deceitful to you.

    Would your posts here maybe come off as you have done nothing wrong but that she is the mean/bad one? Of course.

    Well,since that is mostly what we have here,then that is why you see it that way.But that doesnt mean that is true.
    I'm sure there are things we all know we could have done differently.That is why we come here for help.

    I think the reason there are so many posts about "would you do it again" and "I hate my SD" are because alot of people here maybe didnt realize it would be this hard when they signed up for this gig.To be honest,it's not something you hear about that often.Unless as Colleen mentioned it's in a Disney movie only depicting the evil stepmother.
    I think if more people were aware how hard it was going to be,maybe they would exersice more caution before taking the plunge.I see those posts as a more cautionary tale warning.

    Not sure what you mean KKNY about stepmoms wanting respect but not responsibility? All adults should be resepcted,that is how I was raised.To respect your elders.
    Doesnt mean you have to like them.Doesnt mean you have to do everything they tell you.But they should be treated cordial and given the same consideration any common stranger off the street would get.
    A also dont see how the stepmoms SHOULD have any responsibility.After all,they didnt bring these kids into the world.yet so many care for them as if they did anyways.
    If you ask me,that is the definition of what responsible is.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I dont think all SMs should be respected. There was a thread that just started with a woman who was dating man still married. And then she says she doesnt cheat or help someone who does. To me thats denial. Being civil doesnt equal respect.

    A lot of inconsistencies. Marriage to DH means partnership -- but that only extends as far as SM wants it to. No adult SC moving back in.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    The stepmothers CHOSE to be in the position they are in. If they did not realize how hard it was going to be, it is because they didn't do enough research, and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love. On the other hand, the biological mother who is now forced to deal with her child having a stepmother had no choice in the matter, especially in those many cases where the father, not the biological mother, chose to divorce.

  • plasticgarden
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I think that is a grey area,and in that particular post,I dont believe that poster was wrong,because she was under the impression the marriage was indeed over.She didnt willingly act as the other woman.
    If you are referring to a home wrecker not deserving respect,that is whole nother topic altogether.I doubt many step moms on here are home wreckers though.

    For the record,I'am not against giving it a try for a step adult/child to move in.What I'am against is a step child/adult thinking it is ok to sponge off the parents and not offer anything to the household,be it money or keeping things tidy or whatever.
    I also think they should be greatful and respectful since the parents do not have to let them do anything.

  • plasticgarden
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Are you serious? How many people do you know who would actually do "research" regarding their relationship to someone and who ISNT blinded by love or infatuation?

    Isnt that why most marry the first time because they are "blinded by love"? Sometimes it is hard to see past the rose colored glasses.I wouldnt fault anyone for not doing "research".
    I agree with you it sucks if you are the biological mother and didnt want your child having a stepmom.I cant say I'd be happy about it either if it happend to me.But I guess as long as my child wasnt abused or treated poorly then I'd have to accept it.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    First of all my children ARE treated poorly, and some of them have been verbally abused by my husband's current wife.

    If you don't get married too quickly, you are a lot less likely to get blinded by infatuation/love. The chemical changes in the brain associated with the "in love" feeling only last two years or so. After that the love either disappears or matures into a more permanent, if less high-inducing, emotion.

    Yes, of course you should do research, especially if you are marrying into a potentially difficult situation - one that involves stepfamilies, interracial issues, religious differences, cultural differences, etc.

    A lot of churches require premarital counseling - one potential source of research.

  • imamommy
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    if your children are treated poorly, it's your exH fault because he has a responsibility to expect that his wife treat his children are treated with respect by his wife, and likewise, he is responsible to ensure they treat his wife appropriately.

    The majority of divorces I see (I'm a process server) are less than 5 years and have young children. Not all marriages last 20+ years and I'm sure those marriages began from that infatuation you talk of. Marriage, whether a first or second or third, needs WORK. and lots of it.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    And why are you sure those marriages (I am not sure whether you are referring to the 5 year or the 20 year marriages) began from infatuation? I knew my exH for over 5 years before we married.

    Why would anyone choose to be a process server??? Nobody wants to see you arrive at their door, and it's potentially very dangerous. I wouldn't do it for any amount of money. Do you have a license to carry?

  • june0000
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I'm not sure I understand why Ima is being questioned about her choice in career. She has a respectable occupation.

    No one ever asks a proctologist why they chose their line of work and it is doubtful their patients are excited about seeing them, either.

  • imamommy
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love."

    those are YOUR words. You apparently believe that the step mom's allowed infatuation/love to blind them from the problems of second marriages. I think most relationships begin with a good amount of infatuation, whether it's a first or second marriage. You may have stayed with your husband long enough to get past that "rose colored glasses" phase but if it never existed, then I doubt that you would have wanted to be with him. and if you spent five years getting to know him, twenty years married to him and it still didn't work, then how can you criticize anyone else?

    How can anyone predict from the beginning what is going to happen in a marriage? There are BM's that don't seem to have a problem at first (and are even friendly & supportive) and over time, they begin to have a problem with things. It may have to do with what is going on in their own life. The feelings of the kids can change, depending on everything from lifestyle differences to changing schedules. The "honeymoon" phase isn't something that only adults go through. Kids sometimes also go through a period when they just love and adore the new step parent, but that can change if the bio parent gets upset, jealous, angry or it can change if the step parent does something that upsets the child, like implementing rules or saying no. Unfortunately, when a divorced parent is dating, they might spend more time with the kids, taking them places , having fun (with the new step parent/partner) but when they get married and settle down into a routine life, the kids are not so happy and excited because it's not Disneyland anymore. They want to come to their parent's house but not have the new step parent tell them what to do. Then it's no longer fun. That is definitely something (potential) step parents and dating single parents should think about before they get married or work on after they get married if they're already married.

    and my company provides legal support services to attorneys (as well as individuals) and process service is one of my jobs. I chose to do that because I got burnt out working in social services. I started my company so I could have more flexibility in my work schedule. It's not as dangerous as I had thought at first and often, people don't mind that I'm there. Some know it's coming and I have even been able to call some up and arrange a good time. I've rarely had a problem. I don't carry a weapon and I don't do it for the money. I make more money doing document retrieval and court filings. I believe in the legal process and when I approach someone that doesn't want to be served, I let them know that they have a right to know about whatever action is being taken against them and they have a right to be notified of any hearing so they have plenty of time to respond with their side. Why would anyone NOT want to know what action's being taken against them. Hiding isn't going to stop it or make it go away. That's ridiculous. I began my company so I could be home more for my kids (I home school my daughter) and it was my goal to go into law school when my youngest daughter turned 18. She will be 18 in May and I don't know if I will have time for law school because my business has done much better than I expected. (and I enjoy it more than I thought I would)

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I did not marry my husband until past the "infatuation" phase. It is inaccurate to say the marriage "didn't work" - that implies that there was something inherently wrong with the marriage. My marriage ended because of my husband's depression and resulting affair. It was in no way my choice.

  • imamommy
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    if it worked, you'd still be married.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Marriages don't work or not work. They are not automobiles to be disposed of when they no longer "work" or when it is too much effort to fix them. A marriage is a commitment and a contract. If you contract with someone to build you a house, and they run off with your money to Tahiti, you don't say that the contract "didn't work." You say they violated the terms of the contract. There was nothing wrong with the contract just because one of the signers violated its terms.

  • plasticgarden
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Word it however you want TOS,your marriage still didnt work.
    I'm getting tired of arguing semantics on here.

  • mlly
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I would absolutely LOVE to hear TOS ex's version of events

    His side
    Her side
    The truth usually somewhere in between

  • watcher-2009
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    My SD and GD moved in one year ago. When I got the call I was in may car. I got a beer and sat by the side of the road. It has been Hell Hell Hell, I left for 2 weeks only to have everyone more uptight. My relationship with my then 1.5 year marraige now almost 3, has been and is on the brink of extermination. I only have time to write briefly now but you will be heartbroken at my lifestory this year but maybe encouraged that you can make it. Except lately H has pulled away emotionally which makes more pain for me. I do not get alone with SD, infact she wont even talk to me, not good, we still have to share the same air, I call her the "phantom" What I need is encouragement today to stay, to love, to leave??? thankx

  • disengaging
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    watcher,

    This thread is over 2 years old, but I'd love to hear the rest of your story.

    I have 2 SDs and we've had plenty of problems, which pretty much all stem from BM. At this moment I'm the one who is not talking to my oldest SD, but if she wanted to move in tomorrow? Oh, no problem! Just as long as she brings grandbabies with her! My husband and I gave a lot of thought to the possibility that one of his kids, our parents, or another relative might want to move in one day--so we've already made preparations.

    We have a large "family room" in the back that we don't really need or use, so we closed it in, put in a full bathroom, kitchen facilities, and turned it into a complete studio apartment. It even has a compact washer/dryer. Not only does it have a separate entrance, but a separate driveway as well. With 1 door, we can close it off completely from the rest of the house.

    We did the work ourselves and got almost all of the materials from rummage and liquidation sales. The total cost was under $1,000.

    My husband and I value our privacy, but we'd never have the heart to turn anyone away--and this way we'll never have to.

    Any possibility at all that you and your husband could restructure your house in a similar fashion? At least partially?

  • stargazzer
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I beg to differ with you, mental illness can come on all of a sudden. Some have severe problems that are obvious to everyone, most of the time. In others it's not noticeable until there is a real crisis that brings out the problem. When you take an adult child in, you need to set rules before hand and set a date for them to move out. We let my boys move in with us while in transition from another state, my boys respected me and liked my husband. we had no hard feelings at all.

  • watcher-2009
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    thanks, my towels are back in the drawer. Hey this whole thing has taken me to a place of depression, which makes me even madder that I am "sick" because of their behavior. I really need a big pity party but it wouldnt help, I just need to know some tips on living this way (refresher-23yr SD and GrandSD move in, H and I were newlyweds, SD rebelious,lazy,silent, filthy and more. 2yr GSD was hard to be around always crying, Now its just me I dont want them here.) ml SAYS COMPANY IS LIKE FISH, A DAY OR TWO AND ITS GREAT BUT AFTER THAT IT STINKS, ?POINTERS?

  • watcher-2009
    15 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    are these dates on your postings, my calendar says it is 2009.
    Anyway I will tell you-run while you can and make a plan to meet when your wifes life is as when you found her. Sounds bad I know, so does the arguments the being put in a lower respected place. You will say often, "where did my home go?" I have this situation but I stayed. I have suffered belittleing by my husband, seeing the 23 yr given prefrence over me. As my situation continues a sence of depression haunts me. I left for 2 weeks and oh I missed him like heck for 3 days, we started dating and I felt so right in my new home. moved home out of marital duty???? GL

  • Janet Davis
    7 years ago

    This may be a HELLA OLD post, but I stumbled upon it after doing a search about what to do with my very difficult, spoiled & entitled acting 20 yr old step-daughter...normally, I'd never reply, but a post from "theotherside" really caught my attention.

    It was this:

    "The stepmothers CHOSE to be in the position they are in. If they did not realize how hard it was going to be, it is because they didn't do enough research, and because they allowed themselves to be blinded by infatuation/love. On the other hand, the biological mother who is now forced to deal with her child having a stepmother had no choice in the matter, especially in those many cases where the father, not the biological mother, chose to divorce."

    Theotherside, not only do you sound very much like you are CHOKING on sour grapes, you sound INSANE.

    Yes, step-mothers choose to marry a man with a child, but they DO NOT chose to be disrespected in their home by your brats. Which is the feel I am getting for any child you have, I'm almost 100% certain you have done you're best to "poison the well" against your kids stepmom because by your own admission, you didn't want a divorce so I'm positive that you weren't thrilled when your ex-husband remarried.

    It's not exactly hard to see why your husband left you, you keep going on & on about you not choosing a stepmom for your kids or wanting a divorce, you quote statistics, spout nonsense facts, all without facing up to your part in the dissolution of your marriage. It takes 2 to fall in love, but unfortunately it doesn't take 2 to fall out. There are usually signs before it happens, but you have to pay attention. Not bury your head & try to ignore it.

    Your husband divorced you, get over it. Or was the divorce no fault of your own? Were you so perfect that you can be considered blameless? I doubt it... Face up to the realities of your situation & your shortcomings and more than likely, share of personal responsibility for WHY the divorce happened & you might begin to understand the HOW of why you divorced in the first place.

    The only thing you got right? Yes, stepmom choose to fall in love, even to men with kids, even to men that have a painful history, with a POISONOUS ex like you... One cannot "do enough research" on love or raising kids...it's not possible, these types of situations are learn as you go, like on the job training...there is no way to train to be a perfect parent or wife, but you can try to be a better person, which is advice I wish you would take.


    Because you sound like a miserable, awful human being. I do feel very, very sorry for your children's step mother I'm certain you make her life absolute hell.

  • sylviatexas1
    7 years ago

    I don't know what happened to theotherside;

    it seems like she just vanished several years ago.

    don't know if you still can search for posts by a particular person since gardenweb is now part of houzz, but if you can, there's some interesting reading on this forum.

  • wecu
    7 years ago
    last modified: 7 years ago

    Forgive me; I am resurrecting a dinosaur - as a newbie no less. I stumbled onto this website when looking for advice online (not really advice, I am old enough to know better). My comment will probably go into limbo, never to be seen again. But anyway . . .

    Two people make a child. A mother and a father, who presumably at one time at least liked each other enough to be in the position to procreate. The child did not ask to be born or to have those two individuals as parents, much less all the other step this and that and half this and that . . . So here we are - congratulations, you are a parent or a step parent - ACT LIKE ONE! Your DH, his EW, your DW and her EH LOVE their child! They have a right to, as well an obligation. And frankly, the child (regardless of age) is ENTITLED (yes I said it) to expect that! You got divorced or married someone who did - they DIDN'T!

    Get over your piddly (sp) jealously, rivalries with children and former spouses/ new spouses, your pie in the sky ideas of the perfect life and how you can achieve it if only _____ (insert fall-guy) will stop being a problem . . . your faux idea of what a step parent/step family is, etc, etc, etc (I could go on forever, I have been all of these things and more) and try (d*mnit, try) to remember why you supposedly found yourself in this position to begin with! LOVE - it goes a long way - try it! Life is short and you will be dead soon! Try to understand that your spouse (or ex) loves his/her child and that child (again regardless of age) NEEDS them!

    I say this as a former teen single parent, a married parent, a divorced parent, a step parent, parent of a disabled child, a genius child, an over forty parent of a newborn, a parent on welfare, a millionaire, a grandparent, etc, etc, etc (again). I have been all of these things and more and certainly will experience even more before my life is over. The only thing lacking in EVERY situation is the right amount of love. Let go of your ego and just prove your love. Your kid/step kid wants/needs to come home? Let them come home - you will have done something special and valuable in this ever darkening world - you will have made a difference. Love - You will never lose with love; it is not possible. . . God bless you all - peace

  • wecu
    7 years ago
    last modified: 7 years ago

    For the record, if the health of Thurman's marriage hinges on a limited (even permanent) visit from his step daughter, he is already in serious trouble

    Thurman I seriously would love to hear the current situation between you and your ex. . . I mean wife . . .

  • Kim Aves
    7 years ago

    Uncalled for: 'Thurman I seriously would love to hear the current situation between you and your ex. . . I mean wife . . .' Doesn't sound like: "God bless you all - peace."

  • wecu
    7 years ago
    last modified: 7 years ago

    Kim, it is a situation I am currently dealing with and I am trying to figure out how to leave. The bottom line, this is my child and another person is threatening to do serious irrevocable harm to that relationship. You may find it uncalled for, but as inconvenient as you may find it, it is the truth. Nothing unkind or unloving in that. Thurman may well find himself in a situation very different than what he hopes for. There are clues in his OP - for example the one that says he feels like the family he wants when it is just he, his wife and their son . . . Then he should not have married a woman with a child. He has no right to his "dream family". That is NOT what he bought into.

    When a step parent starts getting between the step child and parent and limiting (sometimes even destroying) the relationship, it is a deal breaker. That indeed is making a spouse choose between their spouse and their child. Sophie's choice much? It's an a** hole move.

  • Kim Aves
    7 years ago

    I find this entire argument off: “You knew he or she had children, so you have
    to deal now.” Like, anyone’s expectation
    when they marry someone with children should be that they are going to be relegated
    to the back burner and lit on fire, so suck it up and take it. Sure wasn’t my expectation. Personally, when I married my husband, I
    expected us to be husband and wife, just like many other married couples, and
    yes, I knew he had children from a previous marriage.

    I have never seen anyone insinuate being married = you have
    to take adult children into your home whether you want to or not, other than in
    a step-situation. When you are married,
    two homes become one. I would hope that
    if there was a decision that would gravely affect the household and income,
    etc., both husband and wife would have equal or at least some say in that. If I signed on the dotted line to be a
    servant vs. a spouse in a marriage when I married someone with children, all I
    can say is, news to me?!

    My parents are both older and I thought about asking them to
    come live with us. The first thing I
    did, before even asking them, was ask my husband what his thoughts were about
    having them come into OUR home. I told
    him—you are not related to them, and I know it will be tougher on you than
    anyone else. His response was, he could
    see one of them living with us, but it would be too much to have both of them
    here. I respected his decision. And, my mom has leukemia and my dad has early
    signs of dementia.

    No one should be forcing an adult-live-in situation against
    their partner or husband or wife, regardless of the situation. Being a step-, has nothing to do with it. Once you are married, the home is no longer
    just your territory. AND, to act like
    your spouse is “making you choose,” just like Sophie’s Choice, hey, if that is
    the out-of-this-world type of spin you want to put on it, go ahead.

    Because, I could have just told my folks to move into our
    home, and told my husband he was an ass for not accepting it, and that he was
    putting me through hell and making me chose.
    But, I didn’t because my DH and I are partners, and our marriage is not
    a competition. And, no it is not marriage vs. my child, anymore than my above example was marriage vs. my parents.

  • sylviatexas1
    7 years ago

    Thurman hasn't been on the forum for a long long time; his posts became more obsessive & vindictive toward his wife's daughter.

    He blamed her for, if I remember rightly, bringing her half-brother a present at graduation, slouching on the couch listening to music, etc, as well as the fact that he didn't have complete symbiosis with his wife.

    maybe symbiosis.

    maybe absolute control.

  • HU-696990845
    5 months ago

    Keep her out! shes an adult and needs to grow up!

  • HU-696990845
    5 months ago

    Keep her out! shes a grown adult! Time to act like it!

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