I typed in "can't stand my stepson" and found all these postings. I too can't stand my SS. He is 11 yrs old, an only child and can do no wrong in his fathers eyes. I have 3 children of my own ages 5,9,12 (2 girls and 1 boy). I have been with my BF now for 2 years. When I came into the relationship my SS was sleeping in the same bed with his dad. He was 9 yrs old at the time. He is very spoiled(4wheelers,dirtbike, snowmobile and so on). His mother is in the picture and she has him everyother weekend and a few nites a week. Here is the problem....My SS is very jealous of me and my children. He lays on his dads lap and hugs and kisses him on the lips all the time. It is no exageration he does this all the time. It makes me and my kids uncomfortable. My SS is a bigger boy and he weighs about 165ibs. My BF allows this. My SS is also very mean to my children when my BF is not around. He is very sneaky and manipulative and my BF does not see this. I have tried so many times and many different ways to approach and talk about this to my BF but he gets so so so defensive and tells me that this isn't going to work and he chooses his son over me and my kids and I need to go and move out. So now I feel I can't talk to him so I hold everything inside and so do my kids. I have a fair amount of resentment towards my BF and my SS. Im angry and frustrated. My son is a year and half older than my SS and he is so frustrated with him. My son is outgoing. He is in all the sports and is one of the star players. He is also an honor roll student if not high honor. My BF came down on me so hard a few weeks ago saying that his son is coming to him complaining that my son gets to go skiing every weekend and do stuff for all his sports and its not fair. He told me that since me and my F____ng kids moved in his son has taken backseat. This killed me. Im so hurt. My son tried to help teach my SS how to ski and even snowboard but he didn't like it. He gave up very quickly. My son does go skiing most every weekend because it is good exercise, he likes it, and he is not in front of the tv, ipod or laptop. My son too is a bigger boy like my SS. When my son does all these things, i take my girls to the movies, go sliding, let them have a friend over and so on. I also do the same for my SS. My SS is so manipulative also. When its time for him to visit his mom and be with her, he cries to his dad and says he doesn't want to go so my BF lets him stay home. We have it set up so that all the kids go visit with their other parents on the same weekend so we have every other weekend to ourselves. We agreed that we needed this time to be togethter to make this blended family thing work. My SS will go in the bathroom and secretly call his dad and ask to come home from his moms. And most of the time he lets him. My children have a great relationship with their dad and so do I. I'm just so frustrated. He never says no to him. When my SS calls he asks what we are doing and my BF won't tell him the truth because he doesn't want to upset him so he lies to him and just tells him we are home doing nothing. I feel like a nothing. Im so mad and angry. Even my BF's friends don't like the way my SS treats and has treated their kids. They complain to me all the time and no one dares to say a thing to my BF. What do I do? I love my BF and have a fair amount of like for my SS. My children do love my BF and can do without the SS. I'm fed up and need a little advice. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so negative about my SS. I get a lot of anxienty around him and Im trying to help my kids too. I tell them to ignore him and point out that someday things will change. I believe very much that my BF's and SS relationship is a little unhealthy. My BF is treating him like a baby and not letting him grow up. I feel he is so needy of his son as his son is so needy of his dad. I always try to take my kids and leave them alone to be together because it was expressed to me several times by my BF that he wants a fair amount of time with his son alone. When I do leave and give them this time, I am treated poorly when i return. I just don't know. Please I will take some advice.

My 2 cents suggest you back off a bit more. This is husband's relationship/s to make or break. If these younger siblings are adolescents (one going to college soon) they are old enough to focus on building ''bonds' with their brother without having to have Dad and SmIL always in the middle. If one is always busy with sport events, take advantage of that. Hubby can go to an event now and then and show some interest in what little sister is doing. Maybe invite the younger one along on occassion...event and a pizza afterwards. Give them all a chance to just meet up and hang a bit without pressure or agenda. A phone call now and then to the sisters or a text. Simple things. "I saw you won your event, congrats". "Good luck Saturday on your _______, will be thinking of you". One does not necessarily always have to be in someone's face, so to say, to reach out and just say 'hey'. Summer is approaching, maybe one afternoon plan a backyard BBQ, no special reason to gather, no pressure just "we'd love for you to join us". You really can't compare how things are in your own family to how things are in husband's family. Each family is different and do things in different ways. You can't force yourself in and expect them to be or even want to be exactly the way your own family is. What ever dynamics buildup husband's family have been in place likely a long time. it's very likely who they are, so to say, and how they desire to function in their family role. You've not noted how much time husband spent with his father and SM while growing up. For instance was husband a 50/50 visitor, a three weeks in summer and Christmas break blah blah. Whatever it was, however closeness and amounts of it could all be playing roles in what and how the relationship is today. They obviously love their son. They helped toss the wedding and do show a willingness to share companionship...they just don't seem to be doing it up to your preset standards and expectations.

Mother2008: I responded to your "Terrified Of Stepson" thread and I urged you to leave. Even though you didn't mention it in that post, I am glad that you DO NOT live in the same house with SS because it really sounds like a dangerous environment, especially for your disable D. I have been reading many of the archived threads posted in this forum and I have come to the conclusion that Step Families, for the most part, are challenging. Even intact families have their moments, but I think that the degree of difficulty increases when families merge or when an outsider who has no children enters the existing family unit. It's not always negative, but it's also not always easy. For most of the people posting on this site, it is downright stressful a fair amount of the time otherwise this forum wouldn't exist. Clearly most of us choose to stay with our Divorced Spouses/SO's and accept the stresses that comes along with these relationships because we really love that person, but I haven't read anyone state that they are "FRIGHTENED". Who knows why he won't understand? Maybe seeing his son in the manner which you describe makes DH feel like a failure as a parent. Perhaps he feels helpless and guilty or he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he is tired of dealing with all of his S's screw-ups. Maybe it's a pattern of enabling: SS mooches off of Grandparents; Grandparents allow it; Grandparents raised your DH; DH enables your SS. It could be so engrained in their family dymnamics that no one even sees it as a problem. It doesn't matter because you state that you are "FRIGHTENED" and not protected. These people are not going to change. You will have to change. I know it's hard to hear, but I really think that you should leave. Is staying in this marriage worth either you or your D being molested by SS? And don't forget the 300+ pound, gun wielding son-in-law that you mentioned in your initial post. This marriage probably took its toll on your self-esteem. Work on that with the counselor instead of trying to convince DH to see it your way. Perhaps when you value yourself more, you will realize that your instincts were right all along. STAY SAFE.

I think you'd better get out of there before you end up with criminal charges filed against you, & the whole family will chime in to 'support' the accuser; you're the outsider already, & you'll be the scapegoat. This is a deeply disfunctional, very disturbed family, & your husband not only enables it, he's very solidly a part of it. You can't make it better, & it'll get much much worse. I'm so sorry, & I wish you the best.