This is so sad. Does your DH have any children of his own? He is this way in general? Have you suggested any group counseling?

My brother is 6' 2". I've never heard him raise his voice except at a sports event. Real men dont have to shout to be heard. I would try to talk to DH that sometimes when you want people to listen to you shouting doesnt help.

I agree with kkny, size and height have nothing to do wiht bullying little children. every men in my family is tall and athletic and yet it does not mean they have to bully children. this is unacceptable. does your son have a father? what does the father say? is he tolerating this?

closetdiva,

You need to talk to your husband and try to work out a way that he can help raise your son without being overbearing. It will be tough because he will probably think you are being overly protective.

This is a real tough one because a lot of people end up having to choose between their children and their spouses. A cousin of mine remarried while her kids were teenagers. One went off to college but the other was 14 or 15 at the time living with them. The husband moved in to their condo and started bossing the boy around and trying to set limits in what had been their home before him. His father was still very involved so the boy did not consider my cousin's husband his father, just her husband. After many confrontations, my cousin had her husband move out to relieve the stress. I'm not saying that's what you should do, but take steps before you get to that level.

You husband's behavior is unacceptable and counter-productive -- but you know that.

Do you know WHY he is doing it?
Because that could be the key to changing it.

My first thought was that he is jealous of your closeness to your son, and of the time and love you lavish on him. (My sweet Hubby had some of this...)

But Maria's 'toughen him up' theory could also be it given Hubby's background.

Or it could be something else entirely --

But whatever it it, you need to find out the reasons and motivations if you want to have any hope of changing them. I'd send your son to a friend's for a sleepover and try talking to Hubby calmly one-on-one first. If he won't open up (or can't - doesn't know?), then haul him into counseling.

It would be a shame to damage your son's budding personality when he seems to be doing so well...

I suspect he behaves this way because he is emotionally abusive. unfortunatelly people who marry abusive men, end up with absuive men in a second marriage. very sad. yes choosing is tough but most certainly choosing children over men makes more sense.

THank you all so much for your words of wisdom. He is a nice guy with a rough exterior in general - but I do think he thinks I "baby" my little boy. I used to but have cut way back.....but isn't that what mom's are for? His mom was never the warm fuzzy type so he doesn't get it. I've suggested counseling and he thinks its stupid. He ALWAYS apologizes about 24 hours after acting like an idiot....but you can only hear so many apologies without them sounding hollow. My ex (the biodad) has recently moved nearby and does spend every other weekend with him. His first 8 yrs didn't spend much time with him as we divorced when he was a baby. So far they hang out and play video games....... as long as he doesn't try to manipulate my son (emotional abuse etc) I'm not concerned. I haven't mentioned anything about my husband's temper to anyone other than this forum. He's just a big crab that can be a real sweetheart too.

I don't know if I mentioned it, but he doesn't like the idea of counseling. If anyone has anymore ideas, I'd really appreciate it. It's breaking my heart because I don't want this to fail, but, want my son to grow up to be all that he can be without feeling stifled in any way. thanks everybody :0)

Perhaps you could talk to a counselor about helping you deal with this. I think people will keep acting the way they want unless you make it clear it is not acceptable. Perhaps the next time DH starts yelling, take your son to the libary or a friend. let dh get his own dinner. Dont let DH intimidate you into not being a good mother, it sounds like you have a done a great job.

I say go to the counselor alone. If your hubby wants an explanation tell him YOU want to come to terms with his style of parenting, having a counselor help you understand him :)
I bet my bottom dollar he will not be able to stand not knowing what the counselor is talking to you about. He'll start out asking in a "casual" way "so what did you talk about today"...tell him a snippet, but nothing to inflame him. I mean that part, no matter what the counselor says in agreement with your concerns it is NOT to come from you. (and it will be extra hard not to, but this is important)
After a couple of sessions it's almost a guarantee your DH will be at the counselors with you, just out of sheer curiosity if nothing else.

While your DH may not like the idea of counseling, your son probably doesn't like the idea of being his verbal punching bag. Tell the man to grow the hell up and get a handle on his anger NOW, or get the hell out! No child should have to walk on eggshells because his step father has a hair up his ass!

my husband yelled at me one time for no reason except for his bad mood after we were married a few months and i set him straight right then. i told him our marriage was over if he yelled at me again. he never did again except one time when he was into Alzheimer's. no telling how bad he would have gotten if i had not stopped it.

wanted to add to the above post. my husband's son yelled at his wife all the time and at his kids. i had witnessed it myself and wasn't going to live the rest of my life being verbally abused.

Closetdiva,

Isn't apologizing the next day what all abusive people do except they forget all about the promises made during those apologies then next time something irritates them? Apologies without changes are just hot air and add to the problems to me.

Some one told me once....."Just because you raise your voice at me doesn't mean that you are getting your point across any clearer." I have never forgotten that.

I was raised in a home where my mom yelled and cursed. Hard habits to break for me when I had my own home. It creates such tension and that stress is bad for everyone. Your health situation is fragile. My SIL has lupus.....so sorry to hear that you have to deal with that but glad that it is in remission for you.

I think what your husband is doing is really damaging to the entire family but especially heart breaking for a young child. I hope that you can convince him to tone things down and to not have your son be the whipping post for his frustrations. It sounds like DH is using a defenseless child to pick on. No disrespect intended towards your DH but that isn't very "manly". That is being a bully and abusive. I could understand if once in a great while DH yelled over something big but this is way to much for you and your little guy to take.

I have a saying with my kids that they don't even listen to me unless they see the veins popping out in my neck! LOL I have a DD20, a DS16 and a SD10 all at home. I have yelled at SD10 for a couple of things in the 3+ years that DH and I have married. I confess. I won't go into the circumstances now but I have done it.

Some truly wonderful advice, all of which I agree. Thanks for being here. I'll keep you all posted :0)

"He ALWAYS apologizes about 24 hours after acting like an idiot"

That's what abusers do, along with
"scaring everybody even the dog",
using threatening body language & physical size to intimidate & bully & frighten,
refusing to go to counselling (they don't have a problem, it's everybody else who has problems!), etc.

don't know what you've found to "love" in this terrifying individual, but it isn't worth it;
This is abuse, & abuse *always* gets worse;
your son is the chosen scapegoat & victim...
& you're the only mother he's got.

Get him & get outta there.

What about getting in his face and telling him to stop behaving that way with your DS. There is no way in hell I would allow my husband to speak with my children that way. No matter what the cause of your husbands behavior whether it be of ethnic or other origin the fact is you don't like it...so speak up and tell him that you won't tolerate it anymore. sometimes you have to speak the language folks will understand.

When DS was 3, I met and married a man that had two children of his own EOW. His personality was a lot like your husband's but did not come out so much until after we were married or I just managed to make excuses for him even then. It took me 8 years to quit making excuses for him and leave him. The breaking point was not over issues with my son but it was one of the reasons that I decided that I needed more than a separation this time. He had a different set of expectations for my son compared to his own kids that he only saw EOW. He was so hard on DS and believed that every word out of DS mouth was a lie. It was not until I left that I realized from talking to DS how this had been affecting him and how angry it made him for a long time afterward. I always tried to relay the apologies and make excuses for his upbringing that was completely different than mine or what DS had been used to from me or his father. But I found out later that all of the excuses in the world would not make a difference as to how he was affecting my son. I say that you either need to get your husband in counseling and let him know that your marriage depends upon it or you need to get out before he scars your son as emotionally as my ex did mine after eight years.

As some have advised here, I also began to yell back at my ex like he did at my son but then I began to realize that I was not like that. I did not like the person I became when I was with him. I did not want to have to resort to yelling and screaming to be heard. You should not have to change who you are because your husband will not truly listen to you. He is the one that needs to work on change as he cannot continue to jeopardize the emotional well being of a young boy--look at how that life has continued to affect him after all of these years. Counseling will help if you can get your husband there and stick with it but your son will also need someone to talk over with his own feelings about his SF and how he is treated.

almost...I didn't say that she should change her personality and become a yeller and a screamer...I just suggested that she put a stop to the behavior by being more assertive about the situation that is damaging her son...and sometimes the way to do that is to directly and firmly let her feelings be known.

I have a feeling that this man grew up with being yelled at and he will not respond to her yelling at him like that. A dose of his own medicine so to speak is exactly what he is used to which is why he is doing it to begin with. He grew up that way, sees nothing wrong with the way that he is now, and will believe that the only way to raise a child is exactly the way that he was raised--especially a boy that he thinks is being babied by his mother too much. He thinks that he is the only one there to toughen him up because everyone else in his life babies him and lets him get away with everything. The next morning SHE will feel bad and be the one apologizing because SHE is now the one yelling and she knows that is not her personality. At the end of the day, she will be the one that is constantly changing herself to be heard but yet she will not change him because she is doing things exactly the way that he does and has grown up with. She will be changing herself to fit into a lifestyle that he is already comfortable with.

she can get her point across to this man not by Yelling but by being firm and assertive...there's a difference. Not by stooping to his level but by calmly and firmly stating that she will no longer put up with this bullying behavior. There's a difference between being aggressive and assertive.

He is emotionally abusive. He apologizes the next day because that's what abusers do. You should not make excuses for his bullying. Some of the biggest bullies are the "nicest" of guys, except behind closed doors.

This is not fair to your son at all. He sounds like a great kid with a lot going for him. It's sad that he has to walk on eggshells around his stepfather.

My 10-yr-old has developmental delays and behavior problems. My partner doesn't understand all of my parenting strategies and my son's behaviors can be quite disruptive at times, but my partner actually helps me out. He never yells or raises his voice. He will even listen to my son's very long and rambling silly stories.

My husband is a little mexican guy and he is the same way to my son who is half Latino he's all the time yelling at him and punishing him. My little boy is almost 2 and doesn't really know better but I feelike he hates him. I am also pregnant and due in April . The worst part of the situation is that if I say anything it causes my husband and I to fight he says he loves him and has told me he doesn't wish for the real dad to be in my son life. I don't want to choose but I don't want my son to be treated bad what do I do?

The questions are
Why do you stay with someone who mistreats your son?
Why did you get pregnant to someone who already mistreats one child?
Why does your husband think he gets to choose if your son has contact with his natural father?
Your husband sounds like a controller and if you were my daughter I would suggest you get out of that relationship before it gets any worse. If he starts off being horrible to a tiny baby as you son must have been when you first married I doubt he will get better. Unfortunately now you are having a child with this man you will never be entirely free of him.

"I don't want to choose but I don't want my son to be treated bad what do I do?"

You cannot just decline to choose, you have to act.

Your son is being abused, & you're his mother.

Get out of there & protect yourself & your child.

I wish you the best.

I have two sons from a previous marriage. And i raised my boys on my own. and they are great Growm boys. One is 31 and the youngest is 29. And there step dad hit them from day one. I tryed to control that, that he isn't allowed to touch my kids.Well my youngest and my husband fight all the time, the cops are here now and then, and my husband can't get along with him, he thinks that i spoil my son, but i don't i am just a good mom that can listen when he needs me to listen,but he can't understand that. He gets so jealous when we laugh and have fun play yard games. we try to get my husband involed but wants no part of it. Every morning i am getting ready for work, i am trying to get dressed he gets in my face and starts yelling at me about what my son didn't do around here, and that he needs to move the f-out. i said that you have a serious problem why can't you get along with people. I am a people person, and he even gets mad at me for talking to others, i can't even have my girlfriends over, he says i don't like her and so forth, i lost half of my family cuz of him. and my friends, and he wants my kids out of my life to,i really want to leave but i am affraid of starting all over, i have a house, and most of all i have a pet dog, that i love so much. alot of places will not take dogs. I have been physically abused by him. and every day mentally abused by his mouth and actions.please give me some advice, i can't afford to see a counseler, nor do we have insurance.Thanks for reading. So affraid of what is going to happen in my life.

If my DH hit my son from Day One, I would have been gone on Day One..How Long have you been with this beast Sharon? Are you saying the 29 and 31 year old still live at home?????? Time for them to fly a long time ago...You re still calling yourself a good mom and playing yard games? You may be a bit unrealistic on what a good mom does, which is encourage some independence...Not keep grown men at home and spoil them...Therapy for you and an exit plan...Dont waste another minute...

Leave him!!

Hope this is resolved by now, if not: Don't wait until your son is out of the house. Speak up for him - calmly and firmly - no justifications, just the facts; "You need to stop right now. I will not permit you to speak that way to my son, it's demeaning". Say it to the bully in front of your son.

Children can actually suffer more due to the lack of protection from the 'nice' parent than from the identified abuser. You may not enjoy hearing this, but it's true.

A note of caution, if you think that speaking up directly for your son in a clear, firm, respectful manner will cause your husband to escalate his violence, just take affirmative action on your son's behalf and leave the house with your son when the bully screams. Get counseling for yourself and for your son. Leave the marriage if necessary.

I'm so sorry.

You already know the answer; it's right there in your words.

If someone else had written that post, what would you tell her?

You've married into a cruel, angry, disfunctional family, & you can't do anything about them;

you can do something about your own life & the lives of your dear son & daughter.

Get those kids & get out of there.

I wish you the very best.

In the 6 years since this post was written, I hope you've gotten yourself and your son out of this mess. Time is fleeting and, without intervention, he's bound to have serious behavior issues by now from being treated poorly at home.

weird. My post was a reply to a new message that is no longer here.

Now that you have read all of the feedback, you now have two choices: You can choose to protect your son from this ABUSER-- NOT a "big teddy bear" and NOT a "nice guy"-- or, you can bury him because you wouldn't.

Kathy, the OP was nearly 7 years ago.

And he is probably still abusing the child.

or worse, the child could dead from suicide, because the mom decided to choose the abuser over her child, since he was such a "nice guy"...

Sharon, you should have left years ago! You saw what was happening and chose to ignore it. You did nothing to stop the hitting -- you could have called the cops.

I am having the same problem , i know my husband for 7 years but married a year and half my son was 7 when we met, he decided to call him daddy but he was okay and he started treating my son badly, i left in 2019 for him to get help, he did and we got married in 2020 he was good to my son in the entire 2020 till our marriage in dec 2020 my son got on very well with him then we moved into a house he bought and then the nonsense started he shows no love and reprimands my son all the time and we have to walk on egg shells with him, he treats my son badly and says i dont shout at my son or reprimands him which i always do and give him the rope to discipline him, but nothing my son does or say is right in his eyes, i left in may 2022 and he still is picking on my son ,but even he did go for counselling but nothing has changed i cannot expose my son to this, because i choose my son all the time, and i will always, my son is 12 now, and he does not want to ever see my husband again and he said he will never ever call him dad he has damaged my child and therefore i will never go back, he is toxic and a narcissist, he has uprooted my son and my life so many times and i have had enough and i am done, i love my child too much to allow him to treat him this way, i love my husband as well, but at the end what is the sense in having a house but not a home.My son is my life and i will not allow anyone to treat him that way, i dont deny my son does things and is naughty as well, but to be treated like you always wrong is not on, my son talked about suicide as well, so that we can be happy and that pushed me over the edge,i wont lose my child to a man, i also have cancer and he is the one that is aggravating my cancer because i stress so much what is he doing to my son, we are emotionally abused by this man, he walked away from 2 marriages because of the children and by the way it way his own so there is no way he will tolerate mine. any advise for me

You have done the right thing. Divorce this jerk, move on and live well.

I wish you the best, and hope you are sucessfully treated for your cancer.

Hu, Good for you !!! putting your son first is the right thing to do !!!! Good luck !!!!! Also i cant believe some of you are still out there !!!! Thanks to all you SMs that have helped me over the years !!!! Still married and have worked out my SM difficulties How did SM life turn out for anyone still here from years ago ?????