I can see why you'd be irratated.Your wife sounds like my sister. She does pretty much the same thing with her son.It's gotten to the point where he doesnt listen to her at all anymore,and when were together she looks at me and says,"cant you do something?"
I'm thinking,he's not my kid! Yet,I DO say something to him,only because he is annoying me too.Then she turns around and lets him do what he wants anyway.

I think you should tell your wife that you simply think the boy knows he can kind of get away with more with her.That if she actually was CONSISTANT with him when saying no,maybe you wouldnt feel so critical of him. But that,no means no...and I'm assuming the other children listen when told no,so that he needs to as well.
Good luck~

doc9, My husband and I have gone through something very similar to your situation. My youngest (9 yrs-was 4 when my husband and I got together)has older siblings that are 24 and 20 so he is my "baby". It will be difficult to help your wife see that what she is doing is actually hurting more than helping. I am in charge of discipline with my son, and I was NOT consistant. Any time my husband would correct my son, or remind him that I told him to clean his room, feed the dog, do his homework, ect ect, I would get very upset, thinking that my husband was picking on him. Well, my husband did have small talks with my son. Nothing long and drawn out, no lectures, didn't raise his voice, just talks. He would ask my son things like, didn't your mom just ask you to do your homework? He would wait for an answer and of course it was yes, then sternly tell him he needed to do it. End of conversation. He wouldn't ask my son if he thought is was a good idea to do his homework, no choices were given, just a serious "get it done". At first my son didn't like it and came to me a lot whining that my husband was being mean. But I got tired of the whining and started telling my son that if he was told to do something by my husband he better do it. If my husband heard my son talk back to me he would tell him "do not talk back to your mom" EVERYTIME. When my son gets his homework done, my husband tells him tells him "good job", doesn't make a huge production out of it. It took a good while, but now my son and husband have a great relationship. My sons' attitude has turned completly around. We were justalking about it the other day, what a difference we've seen in him. I think that if you are a bit stern with him, don't give him choices when he is told to do something (or not do something) and give him little compliments, he will warm up to you. Your wife will appriciate the compliments and hopefully see a positive change in her "baby" and follow your lead. Reassure your wife that you're not picking on him and that you care about him very much. I hope this will help. Best of luck

One of my pet peeves with hubby was the giving in ... they ask for something xx number of times he would say no each time go through that battle and then on the umpteenth time they would ask he would say ok you can do "it" ... I would get so frustrated by this ... I said to him why put yourself through all that if you are going to say yes then just say it ... why put up with the nagging and disrepect if you are only going to give in ...it teaches then if you bug enough you get what you want and thats not how life works... when my kids whine for something I whine back "I want a million dollars" if I whine long enough will I get it?

It has solved lots of problems it has taken quite a while for them to learn NO MEANS NO but they are understanding it ... and so will yours.

Its not picking on its reinforcing what she has said.

This makes me think of something my mother-in-law told me...she had 6 kids and when they started whining and wanting, she would start singing a song...you all may know it: "For the nine months I carried you....no charge" - I think by Tammy Wynette??? :):) and she said it worked everytime....put a little "guilt" in them for asking!! My husband swears by it! Of course I try it and my daughter and she looks at me strange..then says "why thank you" doesn't work EVERYTIME! :)

oops....I just realized this may not work with step kids...DUH!! :)

This living situation would drive me insane. I also have a problem with people who think that steps shouldn't "punish" or "discipline" stepchildren. I think those words make people think of spanking the kid, when that's not what's at issue here.

I avoided telling my SS anything negative for the first few months after I got married. I didn't tell him to brush his teeth or do his homework. I told him positive things like we're going to the pool or let's play a game. But that was just for the first few months!!! After that, it had to become more balanced.

You have a right to be treated with respect in your own home. You have a right to request certain rules be set in your home (with your wife's agreement since it's her home too). And you have a right to enforce the rules that have been set. Furthermore, I believe you are partly responsible for teaching this child to be a good person, to show common sense, and general life skills. This includes things like "don't walk on the laundry".

I think it helps a great deal if punishments are set beforehand. For example, if you don't do your homework, you lose electronics privleges for a week. Period. That's the rule. So if he doesn't do it, he knows the rule. It does not matter if I'm the one that points out he didn't do his homework, or if his mom or dad points it out - the punishment has been agreed and will be enforced by all. If he's whining for something and asks over and over again, he's told that if he asks again, he'll lose electronics privleges for a day if he asks again. If he delibrately did something that he was specifically told not to do I would make him repair any damage he's done (re-wash the laundry and put it away), and apologize.

To me, being a step-parent doesn't mean you are powerless just because you are not a parent. Kids know that there are a lot of adults that they have to listen to and obey - from parents to teachers to policemen to the lifeguard at the swimming pool. Each of these people has authority over kids in certain situations. They set the rules, they enforce the rules, and they have certain punishments they can inflict - just as you should by virtue of being an adult in the house he lives in.

jenathegreat....I agree

I know I can be a "mama bear" and it is sometimes hard for us to see our children's wrongdoings. However, it is even harder to teach them consequences when they are older and know how to be more manipulative ( I think all kids have that ability). We say frequently to our kids that what is good for one is good for all. We may also tell them that when they are doing something they hope to get away with that they are special but no more special than any of the other kids so therefore they will have consequences just like the other children would.

Now that is all easier said than done especially when both parents disagree on the child's behavior or whether they want to take the time to discipline the child. In my first marriage ( I have only been married twice but I had three kids when I was young and unmarried, with the same man, and my first husband adopted them and then we had one together and dad one was never in the picture) but anyway, after we had the one child together, my ex started treating the older three who were not his biologically very bad. In fact, the youngest child NEVER did any wrong in my ex's eyes. The oldest three got blamed for everything by my ex and it was a continuous battle between us. The worst part of it was that the older three came to resent the youngest and the relationship that was once close because he was their baby brother was now very distant. They knew he was the favorite of their dads and to this day they are not close (he is now 12). He also has had alot of emotional problems due to many circumstances but I know part of it was because he never really fit in with his siblings. It is amazing how much damage an adult can do when they think they are being a good parent by not using proper discipline or by giving in all the time. Parents are meant to be the parents of children not their friends. My husband now and I work very hard to make the kids all feel as if they are treated equal (even though they don't always think so) but my ex didn't do my son any favors by playing favorites to the him. I think when it comes down to it that kids do feel loved when they get disciplined because they know their parents care enough about them to want what is best for them and making good choices is always in their best interest.

Anyway, I was thinking that maybe you could approach your wife by pointing out that she may be playing favorites because he is her baby. Assure her that you don't want division between the children and that you most certainly don't want for any of them to feel picked on and that you consiously make the effort to make sure that what is good for one is good for all. I don't know exactly how sensitive she is to the topic of you "picking" on your SS but you can always tell her that you want to be on the same page as her and that you feel she is too lenient with him and that maybe when she feels that you are "picking" on him that she could talk to you privately later about it and the same goes for her when she is giving in. Tell her you can work on this together and provide a united front to your child.

I think I'm going through kind of the same thing we have custody of my stepson because the ex threw him out of her house 4 times. this was before we got married I got my brother in law who is an attorney fight for custody. He has been living with us for two years and I get treated like crap. I dont have kids my husband also has a daughter living with the ex. They both disrespect me and feel as though this isnt my house because i have only been living in it for 4 years and they lived here since they were babies. ss is 12 sd is 13. The mother tells them they dont have to listen to me because i'm not their mother. Well lets see i'm pretty much raising the son. He told me that he can act the way he wants and that I get mad because i cant hit him. what is wrong with kids these days. If I said something like that to my stepmother my teeth would be down my throat. the kids have no respect for either parents, what are the rights for discepline for stepparents? I know all parents should work together and not against each other if the child is punished in one home for bad grades the child should be punished in the other home as well. The problem I see is that each parent is afraid to repremand because they feel the child will move back with the other parent and the kids know that so they run the show and it makes me angry. I'm sorry I had to vent the lack of communication between the parents doesnt help either.