This is my whole point. BM's who do these things are all about control and what they think they are "entitled" to in the name of the kids. "Kill them with kindness" is all good and fine for some but I've discovered that taking away their "control" is what really works. No BM should be calling DH b/c of something that happened at her house. It's not your DH's problem anymore. He doesn't live there. At the same time, what happens at DH house is none of BM's business. The parents should be able to call and speak to kids no matter where they are if it's within reason. In our case, it wasn't so we chose to add $10 a month to our cell phone bill and get the kids a cell phone. Believe me it was $10 well spent. We got the 7 yr old a "migo" cell phone which is age appropriate and prevents him from running up a bill. There are always ways to deal with these ex's properly, you just have to put some thought into it sometimes and make it happen. Most of them are not about the DH or the kids but getting to the woman who replaced them. Most of the time it works until it's you squash her like the roach she is. As SMOMS, we are not powerless and even though a lot of people say (and I HATE this), "It's not YOUR problem, don't let it bother you". Well it becomes our problem. Not only b/c we are human and have natural protective instincts, but also b/c it feels like an overstep of boundaries and an invasion of privacy and NO ONE has a right to that. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, "What if this person were a stranger?" Would you allow such behavior? If the answer is "no", do something. It's time for us SMOMS to stop feeling like and being treated like a 3rd wheel in our own lives! There! Sermon over! LOL Sorry if I got a little carried away there. : )

Thank you, thank you, thank you to Silversword and lamom. You get what I am saying. I was not trying to "goat" anyone into anything or stir up the pot. I really was posting my deep thoughts, kind of like a journal to myself while at the same time trying to explain the situation. The reason I wrote the stuff about the BM being proud of being 'white trash' was because I was trying to explain about what I am dealing with here. That is all. I am the furtherest thing from someone who is all high and mighty and I don't think I am better than anyone else. In fact I am more of the black sheep in my family partly because I am not so judgmental and I am the rebel. I have tattoos, moved out at 17 on my own, don't like people to tell me what to do, etc. And yes I freely admit I am a control freak. That is something I am working very hard on. After the first post I was just adding details and my mind and thinking were changing. I am glad that my tune has changed since last Sunday. I am feeling much more optimistic now. Honestly I didn't think I was even going to come back to this site and I told myself today ok just go see what was said but don't post anymore. I am glad I did come back because both silversword and lamom made feel better and realize that not everyone here is so judgemental. I can take criticism and I was really thankful for the first few posts that told me to grow up because that is exactly what I needed to hear. And I do not get off on or enjoy writing inflammatory posts. I am sorry I was just writing my story and the quotes that sylviatexas posted that I wrote on the first day I registerd were written because that is what was said. I was not making anything up, that is my story and I am sticking to it, lol. My DH did not graduate but I don't hold that against him. I still love him very much. He also had a drug addiction in his past but you know what he is stronger for it and has proven how he can overcome almost anything. People do change and I do not hold their past on them forever. When I say he went through a bad period that is what I was referring. There is, of course, way more to the story and lamom is right you can not describe it all in one post, or even probably in 100. But what matters most is that this site did help me. I got a change to write my thoughts down and try to figure out what in the world I was really feeling. The more I wrote about SS and what HE has to deal with the more I found that I do care about him. I really do. It is still going to take time to build a relationship but I think it is all going to be ok.

All I have to add after the last couple postings here is: be extremely detailed on what you (whether it be you or husband)exactly want. Be ridiculously specific leaving no room for a need of clarification...even if you/he now may believe there is no need to go to such extreme aka outlining even the simplest things which may have no monetary valve in the thick of things (personal items). --"The greed will cause many of the children to worry about what they will inherit from their parents"--(Shakti) It broke my heart for some of my mother's SO's heirs as I watched what the one daughter did and what she put them all through. SO only had two children, one had become deceased a number of yrs before SO passed. This daughter automatically assumed then everything should be hers. SO wanted his deceased child's three children to have the deceased son's share. He also left a portion of his estate to his two stepsons from his 2nd marriage. This part was due to the fact their mother (wife #2 married 15 yrs, and she was now deceased 20 plus yrs) had invested in building the house...it was a return of their mother's investment. Something SO had promised wife #2 when she died that he would honor. And he did. What shut daughter down at her every attempt was that iron clad overly detailed will and his immaculate record/bookkeeping. Oh, but it was not just the items of valve that this daughter made noise over. She screamed, yelled and totally made a stink over every last little item. She then proceded to drag up countless items that gentleman himself had given away over the yrs while he was still very much alive. Seriously, for example SO gave so and so (a grandchild) a china set 15 yrs ago so according to daughter so and so should now have this count towards a portion of the division. Then daughter tried the old 'this or that is missing, where is it'. What she was squealing about on this one was SO had (without informing and/or consulting with this daughter because it was none of her business) sold his mother's wedding rings (something that had been left to him by his mother). Daughter claimed they were in the safe and somebody has them hidden and Daddy said she could have them when he died. In reality the gentleman sold them all on his own. What was actually in the safe fortunately was the reciept from the sale of the item ...so that shut her up for a few minutes, well, until she came up with the next item to acuse and scream over. As I mentioned earlier, SO loved his daughter with his whole heart, but he never ever even yrs before his death underestimated the lady. Clever old man kept quite detailed records of what had been done and/or given away or sold over the years and is will was detailed and solid. The daughter got exactly what the SO had desired her to have as far as possessions and division as did each and every other heir...but in the end they all got less actual money than they would have because two lawyers (the daughter's and the estate's) got a larger chunk than should have happened if she'd have just abided by her father's wishes. Now there is anger amongest the heirs at the daughter over this sad ending. Final checks were cut last week, but I have no idea what will happen as far as any kind of personal relationship between that family now. So much anger and fighting. I can't imagine the family has much of a chance of ever reuniting and being a 'family' again. I'm just glad my mother is finally clear of them all now that the job of closing the estate is over and can walk away from them.

Mommy08, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have also known my stepson since he was 2, and for years I tried to love him and take care of him like he was one of my own (my husband and I have 3 children together.) He was always surly and ungrateful but I put it down to bad raising on his mother's part. That woman is crude, vulgar, mean, a compulsive liar. Anyway, once he got near his teen years he actually became blatant in his disprespect. He would grin at me as I told him he had been rude and needed to apologize. He was being reprimanded on a constant basis at school (my husband would never call the school and get a meeting, that should have warned me just how far his head was stuck in the sand.) I finally could no longer deal with him. Like you, I would begin to dread his visits a week in advance. Worse than you, we actually had him for 2 weeks at a time AND my husband travelled for work so it was me and my kids alone with him. Actually, I doubt it would have mattered in the long run. My husband isn't going to admit that his son has a huge attitude problem, his being here would have just meant more frustration for me. Finally, I decided I could no longer have SS visit. This nearly broke apart my marriage. My husband accused me of turning my back on "our" son. Now this kid wasn't "my" son when I wanted him disciplined or when I thought my husband should call the school and request that they paddle his 12 year old behind instead of putting him in in school detention twice a week. Nope, then it was none of my business and I "hadn't raised a preteen yet." Guess what? Neither was my husband, to me "raising" denotes actually being involved. Anyway, I digress, since then SS only comes around when my husband is home. I try to make myself scarce and my primary care doctor gave me xanax so I wouldn't be so tense and anxious when he's around. He is now almost 16 and he is worse than ever. He is getting in fights at school, we took him on vacation with us (9 days of an ungrateful, whiney teenager is NOT fun) and he actually was going out of his way to "shoulder" people and almost knock them down. Seriously, he was stepping over a good two feet and ramming them so hard they spun halfway around. My husband insisted that he was only making his way through the crowd, that those people were walking on the wrong side and were in SS's way. Whatever, if you have to move 2 feet to your side to hit them....they aren't in your way. He is a big kid (not fat, just BIG and solid) and the day I saw him do that to a guy who was probably all of 5'5 and 150 lbs I knew I was done. I will never go anywhere with him again, he made my vacation miserable. To everyone who has suggested she do this or that - it may not be that easy. If I refuse to pick up SS or whatever and want my husband to do it as it's "his job", I get yelled at and threatened with divorce. I've since learned that is a smoke screen. He just wants to try to "make" me do this for his kid, and (to be honest) if he wants to divorce me because I won't put myself out for a kid who is rude and disrespectful to me then LET HIM. But I do hate the drama it causes and that my kids notice that Daddy and Mommy are fighting. They are big kids themselves (youngest is 7) and they know when things are super tense. I am weighing my options now and trying to decide how to get away from my SS and my husband's family (who seem to have my husband's misplaced sense of loyalty - never admit the kid needs his attitude adjusted, it's always someone else's fault.) The thing is, also like you, when SS isn't around we have a lovely family dynamic. For whatever reason, my husband feels disloyal to his son if he feels the same way I do about this kids bad attitude. I think he feels like his son will feel "ganged up on". Uh, it's called UNITED FRONT and many parents do it, and it's not "ganging up" if the kid is truly in the wrong. Please start looking around for ways to get SS out of YOUR life. Let your husband see him all he wants but you shouldn't be subjected to abuse by a nine year old. It won't get better, it WILL get worse. Right now I'm mad at MYSELF because I've sunk 13 years into this marriage and I don't even get a say in how my life goes. I have three kids to support, but if I didn't (or if I had a job that paid enough to support them on my own) I would be gone yesterday :( I love my husband but he is like Jekyll and Hyde when his son is around.