Stepson won't move out.......I'm ready to blow up!

18 years ago

This situation has been going on for 2 and a half years now and I've had enough. My stepson has been living with us since he was 17. He is now 24. Two years ago him and his girlfriend had a child together. When he told my husband and I about this my husband asked what his plans were going to be regarding getting his own place and providing a home for his child. We also told him that him and his girlfriend created this situation and needed to be responsible about it and that we were not going to be responsible for their decisions. He said he needed a year to save up some money and then he would move out. We said ok. Well, that year came and went. During year 2 him and his girlfriend broke up. She's living with her parents and has no plans on moving out. He told us that since they broke up his plans got messed up and he needed another year to plan on moving out on his own. Again we said ok. Well, that year came and went also. In the meantime, we told him he could have his child here one night during the week and every other weekend, which he said was fine. After a while he wanted more days and we said no. Now instead of getting his own place, he carts the child back and forth most of every week from our house to his Mother's and his Brother's just so he has somewhere to go with his child. When we told him this was not fair to the child, he blamed us because he can't have the child here more. It's gotten to the point where his Brother said he can't come there anymore because it's disrupting his family time with his family. This past February my husband told him he has until June 1st to move out and he's not getting anymore time. My husband and I did some research and found several apartments available in our area that he can afford. My stepson said he looked at a few but for some reason is waiting on one that is still occupied until the end of May. Instead of going for one that is available now he's waiting on this one. I think it's to buy time and then he's going to tell us that something came up at the last minute and he can't get it now and again he will need more time. He has about 2 and a half to 3 weeks left and hasn't even packed anything to be moving in such a short time. I don't think he's planning on moving and I am fed up with the lies and games we've been getting from him and I want him out now. He doesn't even pay rent here, pitch in for groceries, clean up his room, or help around the house. I'm ready to blow!!!! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!!!! Thanks!!!!!

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Comments (12)

cawfecup
18 years ago
Be thankful your husband supports you in this ...

I would be heading down to Uhaul buying some boxes put them in his room. Give him two choices ... pay room and board or move out.

On my brothers 23rd birthday, My mom picked him up at work with all his "things" in the car (he had lost his license) drove him to an apartment house and said "happy birthday I got you your own apartment within walking distance to work I also paid 3 months rent. Good Luck!!"
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leanza
Original Author
18 years ago
Thanks for your advice cawfecup!
My husband does support me on this issue but he can also be a pushover at times. I'm just hoping he stands his ground this time and doesn't wind up giving his son anymore time.
I can see his son giving him some feel sorry for me story
and my husband giving in. That's when we argue about the situation because I feel he's had plenty of time. We have also argued about him paying rent. My husband says if he goes to school he doesn't have to pay but if he's not going to school he has to pay. Well, my stepson thinks 2 hours a week is going to school and apparently so does my husband.
I don't see it that way. If he was going more than that then I would agree. If it were up to me, I'd put all his stuff on the front lawn and change the locks.
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Dear steph4491, Your feelings of not really liking to be around when all the kids are there. I am sure you are a good mom to all these children and what is happening now is you feel like nobody appreciates what you have done and what you are doing for these kids - espcially his kids. It is a fact that there are alot of kids around your home and it is a fact that even though they are not ''blood related'' there will be jealousy, friction and so one between them. Thats what kids do biological or not. The problem however is when others start telling you how to raise those kids, what should be better for them, etc. etc. etc .when in fact you are the one who is holding the fort here for all these kids, including your boyfriend. I have been a stepparent for 18 years and I too heard comments from by hubby's family as to how I was raising his kids. What business is it of his family whether or not his kids have their own room when they come over every second weekend. Thank the lord they even have a room to sleep in when they come over. I totally agree whit you when you say its not like they don't have their own room at their mom's and that's the way it should be because that is where they live. When they go to your house, they are visiting!!! It reminds a few years ago when hubby and I moved into a three bedroom house. I figured one for us, one for the kids and one will serve as an office room. I needed the office room to study and to do some freelancing. Well, you can just imagine how the kids reacted when they saw there was only one room for them and they would have to take turns using it. One weekend it would be my stepson and the other weekend it would be my stepdaughter. The oldest stepdaughter hardly ever stayed over for the night. And that was alright with me cuz God know's where we would have put her. I really didn't care what anybody said. For years, I put those kids first in our life but this time I had decided that I was going to put my needs first. And guess what, nobody died from the situation. In fact, my stepson started enjoying having to sleep downstairs in the family living room when his sister got the '' one bedroom" which had no TV''. My stepson started enjoying the basement so much since he could watch movies and eat chips as long as he wanted, that he soon told his sister she could have the ''one bedroom'' every time they came over to our house every other weekend. According to the grand-parents, your boyfriend's kids should have their own room when them come over to your place! Well, first of all, they say that so that these kids will feel they are treated the same way as your kids are! But what about Christmas, did they treat your kids the same way they treated your boyfriends's kids. No! So, there you go. When they make comments like the kids should have their own bedroom's, just remember where these comments come from! Why don't you suggest they buy you a house with lots of bedrooms so then everybody will be happy! Try suggesting that to them! It will probably put them in their place for awhile and isn't that what we want! As far as the kids mother saying lies about you....ignore her, ignore her comments, her lies, everything about her unless you truly have to discuss the kids! Otherwise stay away from her. Don't talk about her. Don't react to her lies or what someone tells you she said about you. You have enough stress in your life! Be good to yourself. Finally, please don't feel guilty about finding excuses to leave the house when its the kids weekend at your house! It's perfectly normal when one feels like there generosity is being abused. Believe me nobody is going to die while you are gone during those weekends! It's not like your boyfriend can't take care of the kids while you take a little bit of time for yourself and find the strenght to go back to the house and deal with all these people! Sometimes, I used to count the hours to sunday night when the kids would be leaving. It's not that I didn't love them, but holy macaroni, you truly have to live the situation you are living as a stepparennt to know what I mean when I say i wasn't sorry to see them leave after spending the weekend with us! Funny thing though! About an hour after they had left, their father and I would always look at each other and say ...''Isn't it strange without them around"! We miss them already the little buggers! Talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and tell him how you feel and tell him again and again and again and during all this time, remember to be good to yourself and to take time for yourself when his kids are there! Keep posting.
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Hi, We are having a similar situation with our 18 1/2 year old Son, except for the pot smoking. He got tired of school back in 2006, and it was fight to get him to go to his classes. He quit and we made him get his GED right away and told him that if he wasn't going to go to college then he would have to get a job. We didn't want him bumming around. Well, he has worked all of 4 months in the last 2 yrs. He is out all night, sleeps all day, and plays around like he's still a carefree kid. He is a very talented musician in a band (not making money yet) and he has alot of potential but NO motivation to get things on his own (work for them). His friends buy him cigarettes & food. His girlfriend drives him everywhere. He doesn't have a car, no license, and he refuses to walk or ride a bike to find work. Says all of his friends parents buy their kids cars, pays for their college, etc. We have dangled numerous carrots in front of him to try to motivate him (what we can afford-since we are poor), including finding him a job where I worked so he could drive with me. It lasted 2 weeks before he didn't like it anymore. We have tried the opposite too, by taking cancelling his cell phone and getting a land line for everyone instead (cheaper), but he always seems to adapt. He see's us work & he see's us share one old car and my Husband rides a bike & bus to work (for the last 3 years). He watches us struggle and he continues to act like he's entitled & selfish. We wouldn't mind him staying if he would grow up, contribute, and not be a mooch. I have been a bit more understanding (because of him being a musician & trying to support him on a creative level) but my Husband has been fed up for over a year. We both are now on the same page & decided to take a stand on it. This is the contract we came up with. We have all signed it. Mabye this will help someone else out. What do you think? I ____________ agree to do the following: 1) Find & Get a paid job (looking doesn't count-must be working by deadline). 2) Be respectful & courteous to others living under this roof. 3) Clean up completely after self & friends. 4) Keep back porch clear of cigarette butts, cups, food, soda cans, etc. 5) Keep own room & house clear of soda cans, cups, food, etc. 6) Follow rules of house. 7) Help without arguing or ignoring when asked to do things around the house, such as cleaning cat box, taking out trash, bringing up trash cans, etc. from time to time. 8) When paychecks start coming, give $25.00 a week to Mom & Dad to put in account to be held until we move or you move out. If you abide by the rules above all the money will be given back to you at that time above. If you do not abide by the rules at certain times then everytime a rule is broken and we have to clean up after you or listen to rudeness or disrespect then portions of the money will be deducted at our discretion. (example 1: you take Moms soda because you drank all of yours-you will be charged and the money will come out of the money saved) (example 2: you decide to make a mess & not clean up after yourself in your room, porch, livingroom, computer area, kitchen, etc. - I will charge a clean-up fee to be taken from the money saved) The amount you save will be up to you and your attitude. __________________________________ If the 8 requirements are met you will be on your way to gaining independence, earning respect, becoming mature, & saving money. __________________________________ On the other hand, if these 8 requirements are not met and kept up with by Saturday Oct 4th, 2008, you must pack your things up and move out. If there is an argument at that time we will move things out to the front yard & change locks if need be. Signed by ________________________ Date ____ Son Signed by ________________________ Date ____ Mom Signed by ________________________ Date ____ Dad
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Hello End... I'm not a step parent, but one of my children was not motivated to continue his education either...I gave him a deadline to either get back into school or get a job. Because no one is allowed to retire at the age of 17 in our household. The date rolls around and I find him packing his things... I know he thought I'd cave, possibly extend his deadline or ignore it. He stayed with a buddy and his mother for a month or so and then ended up sleeping in the forest for a month or so!! I had to keep my mouth shut. Can you imagine? When I told my child he must move out, my mind played crazy games...I imagined him as a 5 year old pounding on the door telling me he was scared and hungry. That was 15 yrs. ago. He is doing just fine, not a rocket scientist (but I'd already known that:)) yet he lives in his own place, works and is a productive kind human being. You said "He just keeps getting worse and worse, and more spiteful..... even when his dad tries to discipline him he will come out and say, it is your responsibility to support me so you have to let me stay here and feed me and clothe me...." Providing a SAFE place to rest his head is your ONLY responsibility. Years ago a friend asked me to attend a Tough Love seminar...eye opening to say the least! Many insightful suggestions, (although some too rigid for our style)but one that resonated was that as long as you provide an under aged child with an address (friend, shelter, family member) to go to, your legal obligations as a parent are fulfilled. So, if rules are being broken, simply tack a note with the address of the safe house of your choice and lock the door. We are NOT obligated to fulfill their every anticipated desire or whim. And I'm just as guilty as the last/next parent of my generation by spoiling our kids into this self absorbed mess some of them are in. I'm not an advocate for the totality of Tough Love, because the authors were dealing with much, much more than an unmotivated child...but some of the ideas are interesting to say the least. Here is a link that might be useful: Tough Love
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cawfecup
18 years ago
Read Vistaspdf's posts same subject basically.

Adult "child" won't grow up ... and take responsibility for themselves. If you don't help them become independant in their 20's will you still allow them to live with you in their 30's?? 40's??

Some posters think children should never be "forced" out into the real world ....but the real world isn't lining up to help them and it won't.
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leanza
Original Author
18 years ago
I think they should be forced out to learn to make it on their own. How will they survive when Mommy and Daddy aren't around anymore? Even a Momma bird knows to kick the babies out at some point and make them fly.
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vistajpdf
18 years ago
Oh, honey. Can't we fix up your SS and my SD and throw them to the curb???

I feel for you, but at least your husband is on your side. I have tried everything in my case and my DH is just burying his head in the sand. W/ us, I was taken advantage of so badly by his son, who lived w/ us for a couple of years at the end of H.S. and for breaks from college. Then, these SDs started crashing in on us during college, always w/ a crowd. Now, this older SD moved in for "3-4" months. It'll be 6 mo. in the end of the month and I'm just sick of it as it's very disruptive to my 3, almost 5, and 7 y.o. boys.

Anyway, your situation stinks. Your SS CHOSE to be an adult when it was convenient for him to be an adult, but when it's easier for him to play the "poor son", he reverts back to being a child. I feel for this poor baby he fathered. I actually commend him for wanting to step up and be a father, but he needs to first recognize himself AS AN ADULT! My parents have had issues w/ my brother. My dad is calm all the time, but once just lost it and asked my mother how she'd have felt if he were in his 40's and still totally relying on his parents for food, money, etc.

I would simply tell him that you're proud of the hands on father he is trying to be, but that the first step is for his child to respect him. Does he want the child to see him as an overgrown teen? (I have huge issues w/ so many of today's adult men who still view themselves as 16 y.o. boys!) Of course he should be able to see his baby whenever possible, but you and his father don't need to go through that stage again. Say you'd love to extend to them a standing invitation for Sunday dinner - tell him to come over early, let you both play w/ the baby, eat, then he can GO HOME! It's time. He's made adult decisions so it's time to be an adult.

And, I'm w/ you - the technicality of being in school is a joke. Come on, being in school means you are taking enough classes that you are prevented from holding down a real job! He needs to grow up!

Good luck, keep posting,
Dana
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leanza
Original Author
18 years ago
Thank you so much for your reply vistajpdf! I feel for you with your situation. You have other children that are young dealing with this also. It must be very hard. How old is your SD? Is she also an adult? I would love to set the two up together. I'm at my wits end with my situation. I have considered leaving this relationship on several occasions because of this issue. I love my husband very much, but cannot deal with the stress of this anymore. I knew when we got married that he had children and I was fine with that knowing the fact after they were grown we would have our privacy and alone time together. So far, that has not happened. It's like his son thinks we are going to provide for his child now and I'm not and won't. I'm sick of the lack of respect my husband and I get from him, even more so because he doesn't even pay rent or lend a hand around here. My husband has been a real pushover at times in the past and his son knows this. I have finally gotten my husband to the point where he is right now with the situation and hope in the end he stands his ground. I have told him that we have been more than fair with his son since he has lived with us and it's time for him to move on. No more Favors!
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eandhl
18 years ago
He might be more inclined to go out on his own if he was forced to take adult responsibility. Charge him rent, insist he help.
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Jonesy
18 years ago
My friend had the same problem and her husband supported the son. She packed her bags and went to a hotel for a few days. Then got mad at herself for wimping out and went home told the son to leave and this is not a step son. He did. There is no simple solution if the husband wants the kids to stay. I have been a step situation for 33 years. I told my husband no, the first time one of them wanted to move in with their spouses and babies. I told him they need to live with their mother. If they get mad at her they will get over it, but if they get mad at me they won't.
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leanza
Original Author
18 years ago
Thanks to all of you with your advice. I am hoping and praying this is it. Looks like a few boxes are being packed.
Don't know if it's for real or a game so we'll think he's doing something. I am keeping my fingers crossed.
Thanks again!
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wendy_sullivan
18 years ago
I am in a similiar situation. This is my first post ever on this forum.

My SS lives with us. Has since he was 11. He is now 19 and does NOTHING. No job, no school, no helping around the house (unless we bribe him with actual cash) What he does do is Play guitar, smoke pot (outside) Play video games, smoke pot, hang out with his girlfriend doing nothing, smoke pot....

He hasn't had a job since last October when he used to work at KFC. Of course he did work for a temp agency for 2 weeks in Feb if you can call that having a job, but they didn't want him back so now he sits and complains about being "laid off"

What do we do? We have two other children 9 and 18 months (our kids together not Step children) and my SS lives in the basement and I want him out. He doens't bother to hide his drug use or his smoking cigarettes. He throws them all over the lawn and driveway...

We want him OUT. We have considered many things to having him pay rent to us (totally unrealistic, he owes us lots of money from the past and we haven't seen a dime in over a year)

He got his GED and has been arrested and in treatment for drug use.
We considered getting him an apt and paying first and last months rent and dumping him off.

Any suggestions?????
Wendy
PS StepSon's mom is not in the picture. Hasn't been since he was 11 and came to live with us so having him live with her is not an option.
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vistajpdf
18 years ago
Wendy,

You may want to start a new thread here to get your situation more attention.

I think you must think about your other children and what kind of example this SS is setting for them - not to mention health risks if his smoking of anything is being breathed in by the others.

I think you simply tell him that he has TWO WEEKS - PERIOD! Can he go to a halfway house or anything? He'll never improve having a roof over his head and no bills, meals, and comes and goes as he pleases. I'm sure you both have tried. Just be sure your DH is on board w/ you and set a time limit for him to get out - maybe pay something towards an apt. and drop him off as you mentioned. However, he will probably be back at your doorstep when the free ride at the apt. is over.

There are legal channels you could follow - serving him an eviction notice, etc. But, I'd try giving him a couple of weeks, then change the locks and hopefully be done w/ it. Is there a treatment center he could go to or doesn't he want help?

Dana
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wendy_sullivan
18 years ago
Dana
thanks for your message. Two weeks sounds good to me. And yes my husband is on board with me. We probably don't want to do anything legally... yet.? He hasn't been in treatment for a couple years and it was just something the court ordered. A real joke, more of a babysitting service.
He is on "probation" for an arrest last fall. The terms are NO drug use or alcohol use and he has to get a job....
So far all he does is tell the probation officer where he has "applied" for a job this week. A real joke.

I'd rather not bring them into it. He can get in trouble with the law without our help that's for sure. We just want him to get a job, get a life... and do it out of our house.

thanks
Wendy
ps I st arted a new thread.... thanks for the suggestion.
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Stepson won't move out.......I'm ready to blow up!

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