"My bofriend dont want to argue with any one so he wont say anything."

We can do nothing for you if your boyfriend doesn't want to act like a man and stand up for you and his family.

There's no way to help someone who doesn't want to be a parent to his children, and nothing that you can do. In essence, you have a choice--to accept or not accept his behavior. It is unlikely to change because people just don't grow spines overnight. You cannot change him--you can only decide to live with it or not.

Dear steph4491,

Your feelings of not really liking to be around when all the kids are there. I am sure you are a good mom to all these children and what is happening now is you feel like nobody appreciates what you have done and what you are doing for these kids - espcially his kids.

It is a fact that there are alot of kids around your home and it is a fact that even though they are not ''blood related'' there will be jealousy, friction and so one between them. Thats what kids do biological or not.

The problem however is when others start telling you how to raise those kids, what should be better for them, etc. etc. etc .when in fact you are the one who is holding the fort here for all these kids, including your boyfriend.

I have been a stepparent for 18 years and I too heard comments from by hubby's family as to how I was raising his kids. What business is it of his family whether or not his kids have their own room when they come over every second weekend. Thank the lord they even have a room to sleep in when they come over. I totally agree whit you when you say its not like they don't have their own room at their mom's and that's the way it should be because that is where they live. When they go to your house, they are visiting!!!

It reminds a few years ago when hubby and I moved into a three bedroom house. I figured one for us, one for the kids and one will serve as an office room. I needed the office room to study and to do some freelancing. Well, you can just imagine how the kids reacted when they saw there was only one room for them and they would have to take turns using it. One weekend it would be my stepson and the other weekend it would be my stepdaughter. The oldest stepdaughter hardly ever stayed over for the night. And that was alright with me cuz God know's where we would have put her. I really didn't care what anybody said. For years, I put those kids first in our life but this time I had decided that I was going to put my needs first. And guess what, nobody died from the situation. In fact, my stepson started enjoying having to sleep downstairs in the family living room when his sister got the '' one bedroom" which had no TV''. My stepson started enjoying the basement so much since he could watch movies and eat chips as long as he wanted, that he soon told his sister she could have the ''one bedroom'' every time they came over to our house every other weekend.
According to the grand-parents, your boyfriend's kids should have their own room when them come over to your place!

Well, first of all, they say that so that these kids will feel they are treated the same way as your kids are! But what about Christmas, did they treat your kids the same way they treated your boyfriends's kids. No! So, there you go. When they make comments like the kids should have their own bedroom's, just remember where these comments come from! Why don't you suggest they buy you a house with lots of bedrooms so then everybody will be happy! Try suggesting that to them! It will probably put them in their place for awhile and isn't that what we want!

As far as the kids mother saying lies about you....ignore her, ignore her comments, her lies, everything about her unless you truly have to discuss the kids! Otherwise stay away from her. Don't talk about her. Don't react to her lies or what someone tells you she said about you. You have enough stress in your life! Be good to yourself.

Finally, please don't feel guilty about finding excuses to leave the house when its the kids weekend at your house!
It's perfectly normal when one feels like there generosity is being abused. Believe me nobody is going to die while you are gone during those weekends! It's not like your boyfriend can't take care of the kids while you take a little bit of time for yourself and find the strenght to go back to the house and deal with all these people! Sometimes, I used to count the hours to sunday night when the kids would be leaving. It's not that I didn't love them, but holy macaroni, you truly have to live the situation you are living as a stepparennt to know what I mean when I say i wasn't sorry to see them leave after spending the weekend with us!

Funny thing though! About an hour after they had left, their father and I would always look at each other and say ...''Isn't it strange without them around"! We miss them already the little buggers!

Talk to your boyfriend about your feelings and tell him how you feel and tell him again and again and again and during all this time, remember to be good to yourself and to take time for yourself when his kids are there!

Keep posting.

steph,

Your situation sounds quite typical of a blended family. Even if you marry, don't expect DH's parents to buy the same gifts for your kids as they do for their blood grandchildren. They might if your DH insists, but it doesn't sound like he's the type to confront them about it. The ex will likely always say evil things about you. I'm sure biomom still refers to me as *the whore* after more than 17 years. As Vivian so wisely said, people don't change. You just have to decide if you want to deal with it.

When they go to your house, they are visiting!!!
I made the mistake of saying that to my DH about 15 years ago (one stressful weekend when I was counting the hours until Sunday night). It resulted in one of the biggest fights we've ever had. He was already feeling guilty about his marriage failing, he certainly didn't want his children to feel like visitors in our home. IF your boyfriend wants each child to have his/her own room, he needs to get a big enough house to accomodate them - either his own small place or a giant house for all of you. If he's unwilling or unable to do that, then ignore the comments from his family. You'll never live up to their expectations so don't stress yourself over it.

My kids feel like his kids are being treated better...
That worries me. I don't have children of my own but it seems as though this problem will only get worse as time goes on if your children are punished for things his kids get away with. You mentioned he doesn't like to argue but maybe you can talk him into following dad's rules at dad's house? For example, smoking is okay at biomom's but not allowed at dad's.

There is nothing wrong with giving yourself a break on a weekend with 5 kids in a small house, don't feel guilty about that! His children would probably enjoy some alone time with dad anyway.

steph, you say "His family thinks his kids should have bedrooms". Does this mean that they share a bedroom, or that they don't have a bedroom at all? If they don't have a bedroom, where do they sleep when they are at your house?

Also, when you say that your kids feel like his kids are being treated better...Does he punish your kids, or do you? If you do, then I say that you are doing the right thing by your kids and that they will learn what is right and wrong and grow up better off than his kids are, and you should explain that to them. If he is the one doing the punishing and punishes your kids and not his, then you should talk to him about the difference he makes between the kids.

"I have a small house when they moved in we did our best to fit every one in. His family thinks his kids should have bedrooms"

So you now have all these people in your home?
the home that belongs to you?
& his ex & his parents dare to open their mouths to *complain* about the accomodations???

Maybe you could nod your head eagerly & agree & hold out your hand for the cash to add on to the house...

Really, it sounds like your boyfriend is comfortable, he has no problems, you're taking care of him, & of his children when he has them, &, even if you aren't being treated right, nobody's bothering him (which sounds in character, given that he won't even deal with whatever trouble his own daughter is having.)

Meanwhile, you & your children are absorbing a bunch of conflict & trouble *that does not belong to you*.
It belongs to *him*.

If his parents wanted to give their own grandchildren more presents (& maybe they feel like you're "just" the girlfriend, not family), they should have given each of the 5 similar presents & then made arrangements for their grandkids to stop by for the rest of the presents on their way back to their mother's house.

If your boyfriend absolutely won't take up for you, your children, & your relationship, what does he bring to your life?

*You* have *your* 3 children to raise, that's your responsibility & your goal.

It may be time to move on & let this guy deal with his own mess.

I'm sorry.

I wish you well.

sylvia

ps: I once knew a guy who said he "raised" the daughter of an old girlfriend. The little daughter adored him, but this guy was a lightweight. He couldn't even take care of himself. The little girl loved him because he was just like a giant kid, just another playmate.

Children don't necessarily get a good parent because the person is "good with" them.

Its been a while since Ive wrote. Thanks for all your help! It seems never ending. my boyfriends kids told me stories about there ex-step mom how she spanked them with a spatula and cursed at them and his family told me the same stories. we've been together for 2 years and i found out none of those stories are true there mother and them made them up. i asked my boyfriend why he let them tell people awful stuff like that. he just said i haven't heard them say that in a long time. I just recently found out they are telling people stories about me and my children. I am trying not to dislike his children but lately i don't want to be around them. What should i do?

Do not marry this man!!!! I am telling you now...it WILL NOT work. If you do not believe you deserve better, then you should start thinking about your kids. This will be a disaster...this BF does not sound like he will change. Obviously the ex and kids destroyed one marriage of his...and you can bet your boots they will/are destroying your relationship. Have respect for yourself. This guy is not a "man" in my eyes, especially if he can let his ex wife and his kids destroy a marriage already. What makes you think you are going to be any different? Please do not put your kids through this.