I'm reading a relationship book right now that basically says:

"Probably the true reason why people divorce is due to one or both partners not being able to accept that they married a HUMAN BEING."

It sounds like your wife is having a hard time accepting that you are a HUMAN BEING; complete with lumps, bumps, hair, bad habits, and gasp....baggage, a history, problems, issues, character, individuality; whatever the heck you want to call being human and living an authentic life.

Tell her that her "one upping" attitude towards you is disrespectful, hurtful, and not the kind of behavior you expect from her as a wife, and not the kind of behavior you deserve as her husband.

With consideration that you are not hiding things from your past; it sounds like there are some strong shifts and changes in your marriage right now. She may be having a hard time adjusting and may not have the appropriate coping or behavioral skills. Encourage her to sit down with you and talk about her concerns with these changes. Encourage her to talk about her fears regarding these changes.

If this is not the case, then I would say she has her own "baggage" with being a self-righteous score keeper.

Is the issue 'baggage' or is the issue about a wife that is sharing some private stuff? You are saying that there are differnt kinds of baggage--the obvious, and the not-so-obvious. Of course, we are at a disadvantage of having to read between the lines.

What is it that you want to talk about?

I wanted to talk about to her about saying the phase that "I have more baggage and she does". Reason being; because I have been married twice and have 2 children from both marriages. She could be right... but the reality for me is that she hasn't shared enough of her life stories with me (says it doesn't matter because she hasn't been married before) or I haven't asked enough questions...

hogixp,
Isn't baggage something that someone hasn't 'let go of' that hinders them, prevents them, etc. Bringing something into a relationship like the fear of sharing ourselves with another in an honest way, like the fear of being wrong, like the fear of not being in control, like not knowing why we attract abusive and hurtful people...all kinds of baggage.

Just because a person has been married before and has children--doesn't mean that person has baggage. The reasons for a divorce, or reasons that prevented communication with a spouse, etc. may have been resolved and a person could be without baggage. It's when a person doesn't know what happened in their marriage and they have lots of unresolved concerns, and perhaps lots of faults they didn't/can't overcome that will cause problems in the future.

Who doesn't have baggage? On the surface, lots of people don't seem to have baggage--but if you get close to people, then you know everybody has got some kind of baggage. Some folks have been hurt so much that they have turned numb. They not only don't have baggage--they don't have feelings either. You could do almost anything to them and they would still manage a smile. OK--so now I'm rambling--sorry.

What bothers me about your post is what you mentioned about your wife talking to others about your baggage. What is that all about? Are you concerned that your wife hasn't shared enough of her life's stories with you? That she may have as much or even more 'baggage' than you have, and yet she is talking about YOUR 'baggage'?

You are offended and rightfully so. What does it mean when someone tells us that we have too much baggage? If someone told me that, I would ask them to translate that for me. What does that mean to them?

Now, if a spouse is going around talking about my baggage--that has got to mean something. I wouldn't like it, and it certainly doesn't promote intimacy between partners. Sounds to me like your wife thinks she has got it all together but hasn't been around long enough to recognize her own 'baggage'.

Yes, you have some very valid points. I was separated from my ex for ~ 6 years and divorced for 7 months when we got married. We have been together for ~ 4 years and "my baggage" comes up at the beginning of the year fueled by a series of arguments around step families and what is "normal".

She believes a family unit consists of only the members under the immediate house or residing at a particular address, so we have had numerous arguments about my children (because they dont live with me) regarding pictures and her viewing them as just an extension of me and not part of our family Very disappointing I feel that I have let my children down in many ways and now this, I am in a marriage where my spouse has some resentment towards my children and I was suppose to field this before! See my previous posts for a better understanding.

However, we are working towards resolution. She has promised not to share our issues with others and realizes that she has said some hurtful things to me and I have to let her explore her feelings towards my children while working on our marriage

This is tough work! Thanks for your honest response, she may review responses on this web site so helpful comments are appreciated.

hogixp,
Thanks. It helped me understand more by reading your post of 4/17 'Father/Husband Troubles'

Well now--your wife has the baggage of thinking that life has to go according to her plan--no diviations. It was easy and sweet of her to be so supportive of you when you couldn't be with your son because he lived out of the country. Now that your son is living in the country your wife isn't so supportive. Yes, she has some thinking to do and if I understand her--she has to psych herself out.

And yes, you have reason to be disappointed. If you can put that aside (resolve the fact that she isn't so perfect after all, and that you were led astray by default) and practice patience with your wife and your son, you will glad. You know that we don't often get what we want when we want it. We have to wait on others, darn.

So I hope that it is resolved that the extra room in your home will be your son's room all the time. And I hope that you give your son a lot of your undivided attention and spend time alone with him. If your wife gives you some mumbo jumbo about how you all should be together (like a family--pardon me?) when you want to be alone with your son, remind her that you and her spent a lot of time alone when you first started out--and you and your son need a lot of time alone too.

Just remember--don't have your wife being the one who spends time with your son instead of you.

Also remember to not create a cituation where you and your son see yourselves separate from the rest of your family. I know that isn't what you want--just don't let your wife bait you into that kind of bunk.

Forget about the son being interested in your little girl. He shouldn't have do the family thing right away. He'll do that in his own good time. Your wife should understand that, right? Until your wife can come around and recognize your son a part of you and her family--let it be that way. Give her the space she needs. Your son will need some space too.

You already went through the compromising thing to see how that goes. Lots of folks have spouses that are jealous and insecure and have to hide the love and affection they feel for their kids. That's bunk. Just put yourself in your wife's shoes and let her put herself in your shoes. If that kind of compassionate understanding doesn't work--well, there are then some serious issues with your wife's baggage. Don't be bullied.

Hi, I am the wife. Unfortunately, my husband and I are not talking right now. He won't listen to what I have to say, so once again I resort to communicating through the computer. This time, with feedback from others. I am totally open to discuss all my husband has shared on this site. Some of what he shared I agree with and some we feel differently about. I can go back to the beginning, but that would be a lot of typing. However, if clarification is needed, I will elaborate. The issue today and it has come up many times, is that my husband wants me to spend indivdual time with his son. He is still developing a relationship with him and I am even further behind. I have spoken to him about wanting to do famly things, but he is only interested in me going out solo with his son. He hasn't even asked his son if that is what he wants. I believe my husband views me spending individual time with his son, to be the maker or breaking of our marriage. I feel he is trying to dictate how and when I interact with his kids. He feels me spending individual time with his son will prove that I accept him. I feel he is trying to control me and I have told him that my priority right now is our marriage of less than one year that is falling apart. I have no problem with my husband spending time with his son. I have not made an issue of this. He just seems to be obsessed with wanting me to spend one on one time with his son. I beleive that will come, once my husband and I stabilize our relationship. When his son visits, he now only comes for one night. My husband picks him up every other Fri after school. I get home around 6pm and then he takes his son home around 10am the next morning. When he is here, I am polite and friendly with him. I admit our interacitons are short, but so is his time with us now. My husband will say that I had more time before his visits were shortened, but we have been going through so much in our relationship, whether his son is here or not, sometimes I just want to run and hide. And of course, I have a 2 year old daughter to think of. And of course when he is feeling stressed, he hides in the basement, but life goes on for me and I end up being the only one caring for our daughter during these times. I can go on and on, but I will leave it at this for now. My husband seems to get a sense of support from this forum, so I am trying to meet him half way by joining in.

Trying,
Your marriage isn't falling apart. Your husband and you want everyone to be happy and there are some bumps in the road that the two of you are trying to fix. It's the folks that have to have everything just perfect before they can go onto something else that don't get much accomplished.

You feel that you need to stabalize your marriage before you can spend time alone with your son. How does that sound to you? Kind of dumb? You need to get rid of your stubborness. Your husband is asking for your cooperation. Your husband is asking you to have a heart. Your husband is asking you to change your attitude.

Basements are wonderful places.

Actually, if I were your husband, I think that it is not time for you to be with the son--because you are just too angry and don't want to. Your husband is going to hold this attitude against you--it will be a point of reference for the future. That's the way things go. Let go of your "everything has to be according to 'trying' for 'trying' to play".

Your two year old little girl is ok, right? So little kids are demanding of our time. Well, it sure must not be much fun for the visiting son to come for a visit and have the adults scurrying around after the little one. It's his time to have the attention.

This is all about attitude and heart. I think you know what your husband would like to see from you.

I have been asking my wife to reach out to my son, just like I reach out to your family and they reach out to me. Spend a little time on your own with him, I wasnt asking for much 10-30 minutes over the whole weekend! (he just started staying over 1 night over the last 3 visits) I have been asking since last September! Not to mention that the last interesting conversation or interaction with my eldest daughter was 2 years ago.

Control?, it's my disappointment keeps me coming back to this issue. But the reality is that we can all expect to grow at the same rate, so like I mentioned above I have to let her explore her feelings towards my children. My disappoint grows as the gains in this important issue to ME are very little since she still is confused about "what a family is" and what my children are to her. This question is 8 months old, will you seek and answer and share the results?

What are my real fears? My son will pick up on her resentment (now or even up to 7 years from now) and then he may start to act out against her. This is even tough with natural children under the same roof and will be even tougher for me seeing how my wife has said a lot of hurtful things against him (unfortunately very hard for me to forget), views him as somewhat an invasion to her life and is less than interested developing a relationship with him (makes it hard for me to bring him home every other weekend). Especially since she works with children/families in her profession (i.e. she is paid to help support other children, is loving to her own relatives but what about her husbands child, very disappointing for me)

Will my wife expect me to make a decision between the 2 of them? My gut tells me one things and the other part of me says see what happens, trust her give it time and it will all work out I hate these feelings and it makes me very bitter at times inwardly, and towards my ex (regarding timing and my wife for her attitude). And everyone friends, family, including ex can see my unhappiness.

My wife has asked me to give her some space (unspecified time) regarding the step family issues, and sort out her own feelings Im going to give her that space I do realize and understand that this is all "NEW" for you. In the same breath "this is equally if not more FRUSTRATING for me"

Unfortunately as pointed out in the previous message our unwilliness to work out a mutal resolution to our issues can leave the other bitter and sometimes unwilling to do simple favor's or harbor resentment(s). This is what is happening to me.

Hides in the basement? Im not going to comment

My marriage is falling apart, because my husband it trying to control me and like most people (including him), I put up a wall. I have full intentions on getting to better know his son, but I do not want him dictating how and when. My fear is that he will then always be keeping score and this is not a game. When we were first dating and planning a future together, he had said that he wanted four children. Two he already had and two with we. His son and daughter have lived out of the country since I met him. I even asked him if he would change his mind about having another child if his son moved back to Canada. He said no. He wanted to have his son visit with us every other weekend and for longer periods during holidays. No problem with me then or now. Then we had a daughter, bought a house and got married in a very short period of time. For as long as I have known my now husband, his ex has said every year that she is moving back and didn't. Then two weeks after we get married, they show up unannounced. Then two weeks after that with my husband naturally emotionally overwhelmed and wants his son to cme live with us. I questioned too much happening too fast. That was the beginning of world war 3. That was last year July. He now can say that it would not have been in his son's best interest to uproot him from his mom, but that took a lot of time. So here I am and yes, his son is here to stay, trying to manage all this and work and take care of my daughter and watch my husband struggle with his emotions too. It was really tough for me, because yes, my dream was shattered. Things got ugly and we both said mean things. I was restentful of his son arriving two weeks after getting married. My first year of marriage has been a disaster. He also told me that we would not have another child until I accepted his son. He has been married twice with two children. I was never married and had no children. I also was raised by both of my biological parents and have two full siblings. Not that family can't look different, but this is new for me. My husband's parents are not together and he has a half sibling. Plus he has been dealing and adjusting to his marriage break ups and separation from his children. He has had many years to adjust and I know he wanted to just go crazy as all these changes happened in his life. Again, I accept my husbands's son and recognize that they need eachother. His son and I just need to develop our own relationship. My husband will have to be patient, as I have had to and still have to, as I adjust to my new life. He has trust issues and control issues and I have control issues too. I only had myself to worry about for 35 years. I am just being honest, I did resent his ex moving back at the time they did. I wasn't even married for two weeks. I know that is selfish, but it is my feelings and I have to work through them. At this point I am wanting us to do something together as a family. My husband keeps harping on me not knowing what family is, I just have a different experience than him. I have also had to let go of the idea of having another child. I do not know if you "brass tacks" are a man or woman, but my feelings are real and my husband ignores the fact that I have feelings. And yes, I know now is not the time to have another child. I feel our marriage is conditional on my husband's perception of my acceptance of his son and I can't let him control me. There needs to be a compramise and I am asking to do family things first. But that is not good enough for him. I know this is his son and he loves him dearly, but I have and will have a different relationship with his son. I admit this is very difficult for me and maybe some of my actions are selfish. But they are my feelings and nothing can happen before it's time. He will have to trust that my relationship with his son will grow and not force it. The only thing I am asking him to choose, is betweeen continuing to push this issue, or to let it happen naturally. I am sorry it is not happening as fast as he would like, but it is happening and I have to take care of myself too and feel good about our relationship. I know I have growing to do and my husband and I were seeing a counselor, but now he is refusing to go, because he feels this is all on me. The issue is about our relationship, whether it is his son or something else. This is just a big one, but we will have more challenges and we need to work on our communication. He feels he has no issues, but if I am feeling our marriage is falling apart, does that not involve two people. He will say I said there is nothing he can to do help me and that is in regards to his son and I developing our relationship. In the big picture, I need him there to work on this marriage with me, but he says it is all on me. So, that is why I feel my marriage is falling apart. I have work to do, but I need him to participate if we are going to improve our marriage. How his ex views this is not my concern. Sse did not want his daughter around when they were married. It is not that I don't want their son around, I just need to develop that relationship naturally. I know I need to let go of what I can't control, but I just wish my husband could take a risk to trust me and not control me either. I am trying to communicate and work through this, but if my husband chooses to shut him self down in the basement, until I have a date set for individual time with his son, we will continue to drift apart. I know his son is huge, but there will be something else and I can't do this every time.

trying,
Seems that you think your husband is trying to control you. I don't know what that means. Your husband is at your mercy. Did you ever think that he is good and serious? He wants and needs your co-operation--not your pacifications. Instead of being happy for your husband, you want to feel sorry for yourself. You want to think about your feelings. You want to take your good old time. Sounds like you are using your passive behavier to see to it that you come first and you are willing to wait. With that kind of manipulative attitude, you are giving your husband every reason to realize his fears.

If you work with children, then you know what people do when they get fearful--so you are setting your husband up.

You say, the family things first. Does he know what that means? I mean, do you mean the family things that exclude our young boy? If that's what you mean--then you are not taking your husband serious. He's serious. His son is his family as much as the little girl in your home.

You are setting yourself up for a fall. If you want to be liked, respected and trusted, then you need to let go of some of your beliefs and attitudes. You need a heart. Hopefully you will not have to learn the hard way. Stubborn people never learn, not even the hard way.

Will the two of you STOP DRAGGING YOUR BAGGAGE OUT FOR STRANGERS TO PAW OVER!!!!!!

If you are serious about making the marriage work, GET COUNSELING. Get it from a local family counselor.

But do not expect to get quality advice from some anonymous people on the internet.

Bravo, Lazygardens. You're 100% right.

Brass Tacks,
You sound very much like my husband. I am not looing for pity, I am looking for understanding and to feel like I am being heard, not dismissed. I think both myself and my husband have some growing to do. I refer to my husband as controling, because he wants to call the shots. I have spent time with his son, watching and talking to him while he plays playstation. I have even tryed to help him with his homework, because my husband gets easily frustrated with him. But, he told me to stay out of it. I have also gone to the park with his son and our daughter. But that is not good enough, it has to be only with his son. When I am talking about family time, of course I mean with his son too. I do have a heart and if my husband thought I did not, why would he be with me still and why would he want me to spend individual time with his son. I know my husband is serious, but so am I. My feelings are very real too and I have to work on them, but it does not happen over night. If feeling dismissed means feeling sorry for myself, then I guess I do. I am very strong headed, but the difference is that I can at least label my faults and realize I am not perfect and that I will continuously grow.

And Lazygardens and vivian31,
We have been seeing a counseler, but my husband is now refusing to go now. I think he struggles with the counselor validating both of our feelings. He is looking for someone to just say he is right and I am wrong. It is not my first choice to share on this site, but my husband feels it is helpful for him, so I thought I would meet him half way, since we have not been able to communicate lately. Maybe he will consider your comments.

I am totally lost on this post just having read a few but you are upset that your wife is discussing personal issues with others? that is what we as women do....we discuss and discuss and vent to feel better...men want to keep it in and would learn to smooth things over more if they talked like women do to get other perspectives and advise. If your wife is talking disrespectfully of you I understand the hurt and frustration but women need to vent and I have children and my husband has children from a previous marriage and believe me this stepparenting is not easy whether she has kids of her own or not!

ok...now I have read everything and get the picture and I hear where you are both coming from...your husband wants you to love his son like he does..I know when my husband cuddles with my 8 year old I sit back and watch and smile..it warms my heart...what your husband has to realize is this doesn't happen overnight though..it is a long journey and it takes more time when you don't see him alot (he isn't living there yet right?)I also agree that your marriage needs to be a priority...an issue of mine actually...because young eyes are watching and learning about what a relationship is to be like...your husband needs to listen and validate your feelings..you will carry this resentment as long as he is dismissing your needs. As long as you are carrying resentment you shouldn't be forced to spend one on one time with the child...do it as a group..you can interact when YOU feel comfortable and the child won't feel like you are being forced on him either..after all our kids didn't ask for us to get divorced and they didn't pick our new partners for us..the child could be having a hard time with this too..intersting..neither of you have given the opinion of the child and that is something that should be a priority..the boy should have an open relationship with his dad discussing likes/dislikes fears etc...and it is YOUR husband's resp. to wean you into this relationship and to ensure that it stays positive..like a buffer that hears you both out. My husband and I have been together 5 years..we saw his girls every other weekend...we had issues with me feeling like I was forgotten..still do...but a WEEK before we got married this past August we were told we would have custody given to us by Social services and that would happen directly after our honeymoon which we all went on together...I pushed with my husband to get his girls to a safe home and was thrilled to see the happiness in my husband over the fact that they would be with us and some of the manipulative game playing of the ex would end...love is wanting to see your partner happy but marriage also consists of love, honor and respect and right now your hubby needs to respect your feelings and insecurities. We went to disneyland on our honeymoon.I rode 2 rides with my husband and he spent all hsi time with his eldest daughter and his younger daughter wanted and needed a mother so she was glued to me..did I have resentment, yeah some..this was my new husband, my honeymoon, but i knew the greater picture was of being a FAMILY and with a 62% or higher divorce rate we all have quirky families now (extended maybe a better word). Some days are worse than others but I find that when my husband validates my feelings and we are getting along...I resent his children less...and if you look at your daughter which I understand is both of yours...look at her and ask yourself how you would feel if your hubby didn't show her love and compassion..the love he feels for his daughter, he feels for his son...I remind myself of that often when I look at my 3 sons and love them to pieces..I understand that my husband loves his girls just the same...hope I helped.

All, thanks for your advise. All I have been looking for is an honest opinion to problems that we are facing. Honestly, you are all right (of course Ive got A LOT of differences with trying, her story is quite different to mine), but my decision to not see a councilor is for exactly the reason pointed out by brass_tacks. "Sounds like you are using your passive behavior to see to it that you come first and you are willing to wait". When she has dealt with her issues then I am willing to sit down with a councilor. It appears that she is willing to multitask with us and leave my children out. Additionally I dont have control, never had and never will.

Message to lazygardens & vivian31, I didnt want this brought out for everyone. But to set in front of a councilor and hear both our feelings are valid with out knowing what is "normal" is killing me. All I really wanted is a Dr. Phill response...

How's our young boy! Are you guys talking yet?

You wouldn't believe all the stuff I got done today--sprayed with Neem oil, watered my citrus orchard, watered the three Queen palms, cut the grass, washed the lawn mower & bag, spread the iron, watered the grass, took two showers, had some homemade apple pie (made my day), helped hang some laundry, did my daily hanging of nets over stuff so the deer don't get to have a feast. Today went by too fast!

Callmerae said something very sweet--she said "....love is wanting to see your partner happy..." Callmerae is committed to being happy. She knows that being generous with herself is the way-to-go.

In marriage, it takes two people giving of themselves. That's the way we get functional families.

Trying, you are not participating in resolving the big difference that is the crux of the problems you and your husband are needing to resolve. You have not answered what the definition of a family is. That difference is affecting your thoughts, feelings, actions, and re-actions. This one question is the crux of your discussions. Instead, you are concentrating on the idea that your husband is trying to 'dictate' to you.

Working together toward a common purpose and allowing your husband to decide what is best (or take the lead) is not the same as dictating. It is not the same as being controlling or controlled.

Thank you all. Your comments have been helpful. Callmerae, your feedback has been suppotive and also given me more to think about. My husband and I are talking now and things are calm. My goal to to keep it calm, so it is easier to move forward. Brass tacks, you have also made some good points, but I still don't feel you are considering both our feelings. I will move on embrassing my step-son, but I also still have to deal with feelings of not having another child of my own agian someday. That is very real and sad for me and if you are a man (as I suspect), I don't expect you to really understand. I want to see my husband happy, and I want to be happy too. Unfortunately, just seeing my husband happy, will not fullfill all my happiness right now. Marriage is about both parties giving and taking to also meet their own happiness. Family to me once meant one thing, but I am learning that there are many types of families and that different does not mean bad. I have had this dicussion with my husband again and I believe he understands me more now.

"I will move on embrassing my step-son, but I also still have to deal with feelings of not having another child of my own agian someday. That is very real and sad for me and if you are a man (as I suspect), I don't expect you to really understand."

Why not? What's not to understand? Both men and women can have those same feelings. I don't get the separation...

I truly HOPE that things are better for you two, but I STRONGLY SUGGEST that you get yourselves into local family therapy and do what is best for your children. Perhaps putting yourselves and your needs aside for a while will help you reprioritize (which is what I think needs to be done here).

These children that you ALREADY HAVE are what is most important right now--whoever they biologically belong to. It is no longer about you and your husband. It is about YOUR FAMILY and what benefits the FAMILY.

I urge you absolutely to seek counseling.

Trying,

I think you had dreams of what your life and marriage would be like. The child has come and upset your dreams. Are you perhaps grieving for the second child you may not have? Sometimes our dreams and expectations have to change and we suffer loss for those we love. New dreams can be built and achieved together.

Best wishes to you both and your children.

Trying and Hogizp,
Let's have a toast!!!

Trying...I would love to have an African Grey bird, but giving a long-lived bird like that is taking on a big commitment. By the grace of God, I'll just be thankful for what I have, and pray my prosperity continues.

Prosperity to you all